As I watch you every day, there's one word that colors every emotion, every thought, every wish. Regret. So many regrets. And dreams of what if. What if I had made different choices for my life? What if your mom had loved me instead of my brother? What if I had lived? What would your life be like then?

That last one gets me every time. Because if I had lived, your life would not be any better, in fact it would probably be worse than it is now. Ebony wouldn't have stood for the competition for my attention either, from you or your mom, and your mom would have spent all her waking moments trying to leave and take you with her. Your uncle would have encouraged her, while trying to get me to give up all that I had fought for and previously held so dear until you came along: power and chaos.

You would have been at the center of a conflict so big, that none us would have walked away unscathed, you least of all. Which is why, in a way, there is one regret I don't have: living. It's peaceful here, not the clouds and harps that I expected, but I'm much more content here than I ever thought I could be. The anger, pain and self-loathing are gone, replaced by acceptance, serenity and love for you and hope for your future.

There is so much more waiting for you now, with me gone. Even though I see you down there where you are and I so want to be with you, to be there for you, to keep away all the monsters under the bed and to be your big strong, hero, I know I cannot and that it's better for you that way. With me out of your life, you're free to be whoever you want to be. You don't have to be a victim of your circumstances and you don't have to change yourself to be what others perceive you to be or expect you to be based on who I am, or rather was. As it stands now, you get to decide, you're in the driver's seat and the lights are all green, baby.

You can be a politician like your uncle, though I would hope you did not. You could follow in the footsteps of your honorary uncles, being a scientist or a doctor or a general or even a sheriff (though I do hope that this is all you learn from Lex). Or you could be an educator or a conservationist or even an evil dictator, though I really, really hope you don't go down that path to pain and ruin. You could be anything your little heart desires, so long as it's your choice and you don't hurt anyone doing it.

Of all the things that I regret, this is what I regret the most, not being there to ensure that these possibilities remain open for you. To ensure that you decide, to protect you from undue influence from everyone, up to and including your mother if needs be. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm not trying to be. This isn't about her, this is an arrangement between you and me. A trust that for as long as you need, I'll be here, watching over and keeping you safe.

If you're lost you can look
and you will find me
time after time
If you fall I will catch you
I'll be waiting
time after time