Series: Snapshots of the Past
Story: Say You Love Me Too
Chapter 22
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Previously: Jed supported Abbey as her therapy session continued; Abbey remembered the attack and stopped the session when she saw an image of Lizzie being hurt
Summary: Susan walks Abbey through what she remembers; Jed and Abbey get some answers and later, open up to each other about the emotional rollercoaster of the past six weeks
AN: Thank you to Amanda for her help and guidance with this chapter and with dissociative disorders, specifically suppressed memories and hysterical amnesia!
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Shocked into silence, Jed lifted Abbey's head off his chest and stared into her eyes. Her emerald orbs were always expressive, and right now, they were clearly showing her panic-stricken emotions.
"What do you mean Lizzie? He was after Lizzie?"
"In my mind, he was. He was after both of them. Lizzie and Ellie."
Susan moved closer to the pair, making herself comfortable in the plush chair to the right of the sofa. "What happened, Abbey?"
Abbey's head snapped around, nervous and hesitant. She looked back at Jed, then turned towards Susan. "I told him I had two young children." The words were soft and slow as they escaped her lips. "He said..."
"What?" Susan questioned gently.
Abbey focused on the center of the room. Her eyes closed after a horrified flinch. "He just threatened them."
"How?"
Jed silently encouraged her by rubbing soothing circles across her back. She shot him an appreciative glance before speaking.
"He joked that he'll have to teach them what happens to troublemakers if they're anything like their mother. And then he laughed."
Jed stiffened with every word. His concern had faded into blind fury and his temper was rising steadily. "Who was he? Do you know who he was? What he looked like?"
Abbey shook her head. "There was a light of some sort and it kept shining on his face. I can't really make it out."
"What kind of light?" Susan sat upright, inquisitive and curious.
"I don't know. A flashlight maybe." Abbey was dismissive, eager to stop the session.
"Is it that a light blinded you from seeing his face or is that just part of your imagination?"
Offended by Susan's implication, Jed intervened. "She said she couldn't see. There was a light."
"Abbey, sometimes when our brain tries to protect us from things we're not ready to remember, we imagine all sorts of obstacles in the way," Susan explained, "...all sorts of obstructions that keep us from seeing what we need to see."
Abbey shifted uncomfortably. It was obvious she was unwilling to entertain the possibility. "I went through med school too, Susan. I remember my psychiatric rotation. I'm telling you, I don't know what he looked like."
"Okay," Susan conceded in response to her cold expression. "When he said what he did about the girls, what happened?"
"That's what I keep seeing." She addressed Jed with the sudden realization. "The night that Lizzie answered the door without asking who it was, the day Ellie nearly burned herself, I got a flash of something. Someone was trying to hurt them and I could picture them alone and afraid and I couldn't get to them."
He wrapped his arm tighter around her shoulder, encouraging her to tuck her head under his chin. "It's okay."
"Is that what you saw that night? Is that what you remember? When he held you down on the grass, you saw your little girls in danger and you couldn't help them," she told her in a direct statement. "Why couldn't you help them?"
"He was going to kill me. I assumed I'd be dead. And he'd go after them. I saw it a 100 times in my head that night when he was on top of me. I saw it in a 100 different ways. He'd grab Lizzie at the bus stop. He's snatch Ellie from the playground. He'd sneak up behind them, just like he did me and he'd hurt them and then he'd laugh when they were in pain. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't warn them. I couldn't protect them."
Susan nodded. "Do you think that could be the moment your brain shut down? Maybe the trauma of believing you were taking your last breath as this maniac was threatening your young daughters forced you to retreat inside yourself to a time before you even had children or a husband, a family who depended on you?"
"Why? Why would I want to forget them?"
"It would have been enough to send you into self-preservation mode. Your emotions were being ripped and twisted and the majority of the mental pain was centered on your daughters. You needed to ward off a potential breakdown so you could continue fighting for your life."
"My life isn't more important than they are."
"But your life is what would have saved them. If you were dead, you couldn't warn them, just like you said. So, the most important thing to you, at that moment, was living through this attack so that you could get to your daughters afterwards and in order to that, you had block out those disturbing images in your mind. The only way to do that might have been to block out your children entirely."
"I don't know," Abbey mumbled.
"I don't either, but it's obvious your trauma wasn't exclusive to physical pain. The thought of Lizzie and Ellie being hurt the same way you were had to be devastating."
That was an understatement. The psychological torture far outweighed the attack itself and for Abbey, the combination of the helplessness she felt to physically remove herself from immediate danger and the threat to her children had struck her with a split-second rush of adrenaline that caused her mind to escape the torment. Her memories were forced into seclusion, packed away in her subconscious as she gathered the strength that would help her flee the situation.
Jed's face was red, colored by the stress the session had inflicted on him. "Now what?"
"I think Abbey was right. I think we need to stop for today and meet again next week. But you should talk to the police. They need to know the details you shared with me today."
"I know." Abbey nodded subtly.
Her head lowered once again, overcome by pure exhaustion. Jed cupped her chin one last time. "There's something that wasn't clear to me," he started as he inhaled deeply. "Did you stab him?"
"No," Abbey answered immediately. "He wasn't stabbed. He cut himself. His chest scraped the blade. He did it to himself. My hands weren't even on the knife."
He said a small prayer as he gathered her back in his arms. The man who toppled their lives didn't have superficial wounds as police originally believed. He had been severely injured and his injury would have required medical care, perhaps supplying a trail to his identity.
But there would be time later to dissect that piece of information. Abbey wasn't ready yet. First, she had to recover from the draining session that stretched her mental fortitude to its limit and left her visibly frazzled. The memories she had spent six weeks avoiding may have been brought to the surface voluntarily, but the consequences scarred her heart.
A stolen glance in the bedroom mirror that evening proved just how much. Abbey's face was mapped with the anxiety and stress that consumed her. Small bags under her eyes were smudged with a shade of dark brown, the ends of her lips didn't absently turn up as they always had in the past. Frown lines were more noticeable, her few wrinkles more prominent.
She was wearing a lavender summer dress that flowed when she walked and clung to her when she stopped. Her head was turned to the mirror as she touched her stomach with a flat palm then moved her hand further down, pulling on the fabric to create a tight silhouette.
Not even a tiny bulge. No detectable sign of pregnancy.
There was a baby inside of her, one that was the result of a beautiful interlude the night before she was victimized. Though it wasn't even a real baby on that fateful night, it was still a part of her. And that part of her was a silent witness to a brutal assault.
Jed watched his wife from the doorway as she took a finger to the tear that fell down her cheek. He approached cautiously, well aware that he was intruding on a private moment.
"Hi."
Startled, she hastily whirled around. "Hi."
He picked up the pace and stopped two steps in front of her, his stare focused on her belly. She reached for his hand and placed it under hers. He kept his fingers on her stomach as he walked around and slid his arms to the front. Both his palms lightly pressing against her flesh from behind with her own palms covering them, she was moved by the loving reflection.
Soft, almost soundless sobs disappeared entirely as Jed's head dipped into her shoulder. She turned in his arms and held the sides of his head, her thumbs freely dabbing at the few tears on his face.
"Hey."
He tried to finagle out of her hold but she was unrelenting. "I don't know what that was about."
"You're crying."
"I'm not."
"You were," she countered, loosening her grip only slightly.
"I just love you."
With a smile, she relaxed into his embrace. "But why were you crying? Those weren't tears of love. What were they?"
"Gratitude. Happiness. Relief that you're here, safe and sound." His transparent declaration didn't convince her.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he finally whispered, causing her to pull away.
"What are you sorry for?"
"For everything you've gone through."
"WE'VE gone through," she corrected. "None of this has been easy on you."
"No, it hasn't," he agreed as he walked to her side, his back facing her.
She shrugged and followed. "I need to ask you something."
"Sure."
"Do you blame me for what happened?"
The second he spun around, the denial was obvious. He didn't actually have to say it. "No, Abbey. Never."
"Then why have you been blaming yourself?"
Trapped into admission, he collapsed onto the bed. "I hate when you do that."
"That's why I do it," she teased.
"What makes you think I'm blaming myself?" As if he had to ask.
"You're an open book."
"I'm a puzzle."
"A puzzle I've already solved," she replied, taking her seat next to him. "And I remember exactly where all the pieces go. Answer my question."
"I should have been there...with you...that night. I should have done something."
"It wasn't your fault. You can't be with me twenty-four hours a day."
"I should be," he argued. "I'm the man, Abbey. I'm supposed to protect you at all costs. It's my responsibility to make sure no one harms a head on your hair. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"Jed, you can't do this to yourself. I would never blame you for what happened, Honey. It just wasn't your fault."
"That's easy to say."
Abbey stood and walked over to the small bookshelf beside the dresser. "Starting next week, your attention will be devoted to the summer courses you're teaching and I'll be committed to my studies."
"Your studies?" He squinted in response to the thick medical book she held in her hand.
"I have to re-qualify for residency."
"You're doing that now?"
"Yeah. I want to be back at the hospital by the time the girls start school in the fall." She dropped the book onto the dresser and approached her husband. "My point is you can't be my knight in shining armor, Jed. Something awful happened and it'll take time to get past it, but this wasn't your fault any more than it was mine."
"I'm not convinced, Abbey."
"So it's really your job to keep me safe? That's what you believe? That's what this is all about?"
Well, sure. Was this a trick question? "Yes."
"Okay, then where were you?" she asked him bitterly. "Why WEREN'T you there?"
Initially shocked by her anger, he stood. "What?"
"You said it's your job to protect me, so why didn't you drop everything and follow me around to make sure no one stepped out of line?"
He wagged his finger in her direction. "See, I hate it when you do this even more than I hate it when you do the other thing."
"I'm just being as ridiculous as you are." Abbey smiled.
"It's not ridiculous. I would give my life for yours." He was barely coherent as he sank back down on the bed.
"That part wasn't included in our wedding vows."
"How do you know? You have amnesia." At least the lighthearted ribbing drew a chuckle as Abbey accepted his hand and allowed him to pull her onto his lap.
"It's not your fault." It bore repeating, though doubtful it would ever sink in. "I never blamed you. Not even for a second."
"Well that's not true. At first, you wondered if it WAS me."
Her fingers playfully twirled the hair on top of his head. "I meant after that."
"I just want you to feel safe." Another stray tear emerged in his right eye.
"I want that too. But I don't think that's something you can give me."
He jerked his head to the side, surprised by the revelation. "Is this that reverse psychology crap again?"
She laughed. "No, this is for real, Pumpkin." He hadn't heard that nickname since before the attack. "I need to feel like I can protect myself and so do the girls. I signed them both up for a course at the community center."
"What kind of course?"
"It's designed for children. They'll be in age-appropriate classes and they'll learn how to defend themselves."
"You want them to learn to fight?"
"I want to know they can get out of a bad situation." She grew nervous when he didn't respond. "You do support that, don't you?"
"Of course. I want that for them too. I'll do whatever it takes to keep them safe."
"Good because they'll probably want to use you."
"What do you mean 'use' me?"
"Well, they'll need to practice the maneuvers on someone." Pregnancy was a wonderful excuse.
"You're encouraging them to beat up on me," he affirmed with smile. "I can see it now. You're going to stand there and cheer them on as they kick my ass."
"Just wait until this next kid is born."
"What, you'll roll out the rope and duct tape so she can make her move? I'll be the only man in New Hampshire beaten up by a toddler."
"Don't tempt me, Love." Leaning forward, she dropped a kiss onto his forehead. "I meant after I give birth, I'm going to sign up for a self defense course myself. And when I do that..."
"Abbey?"
She caught the Freudian slip though he apparently hadn't. "Jed?"
"Yeah?"
"You just said 'she.'"
"What?"
"The baby. You just said 'so she can make her move.'"
Maybe he didn't catch it because he was well aware he had done it. "Does that make you uncomfortable?"
"No. I was just surprised."
"Well you've given me two daughters. Why not expect a third?"
"How would you feel about a son?"
"I'd love a son. But I never thought I could love a daughter as much as I do Ellie and Elizabeth. I'll be thrilled no matter what we have." The inviting tug on his arm didn't go unnoticed. He held her tighter, his lips reaching up to steal another kiss. "Why? Do you think it's a boy?"
"I think it might be."
"Here we go. Women's intuition, right?"
"Hey, don't make fun. It's a real thing."
He allowed for a placating laugh as she tweaked his nose. "How is it you're so strong and together?"
"What makes you think I am?"
"You're joking with me. After what happened today, I just assumed you'd be devastated."
"I guess I'm glad we have some answers."
He nodded. "Yeah."
"That doesn't mean I'm not falling apart on the inside."
He affectionately stroked her hair. "That makes two of us."
"You know, the girls are going to be home soon and you promised Ellie a game of Candyland."
"Oh yeah."
"We should go set it up."
"Promise me we'll talk about everything later? I don't want you keeping this all to yourself."
"You know what?" she asked softly.
"What?"
"I was wrong. You are my knight in shining armor."
It was easy to be a loving couple when everything was perfect and happy, when the biggest problem between them was a dispute over what to have for dinner, when conflicts erupted because her work schedule interfered with family time or his commute back from the State House was delayed because of bad weather.
But as Abbey succumbed to the love held in those baby blue eyes, she realized the true testament to their devotion was Jed's patience and understanding in the face of the extraordinary circumstances of the past six weeks. He never lost faith in her and he never allowed her to lose faith in herself. The trust between them was stronger, the passion was deeper, and their powerful bond could never be broken.
The tip of his finger had circled around a few locks of her auburn hair as he quietly stared at her. She fought for her life on that evening in May. She fought for her physical recovery in the weeks that followed. But it was what she was fighting for now that melted his heart with a warmth he had never felt before. Now, she was fighting for him, for their life together.
He had already told her that her strength was immeasurable. He already said how much he loved her. What he had yet to share was that he cherished her more today than he ever had before.
TBC