Hey everyone! Sorry I took so long to get the next chapter up. Now that school's finally out, I'm back on a normal sleeping schedule and the chapters will be rolling out from here!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, but most notably:
Cede – Thanks for the suggestions, I looked into them and I was very impressed!
Flame girl – This flames fangirls, not Legolas. Learn to read next time. I'm also not saying everyone who likes Orlando Bloom is a rabid fangirl, it's just when they churn out these godawful fanfics that I get suspicious.
Fantail – Nobody's forcing you to read it. Just as you are allowed to write fangirl stories, I'm allowed to in turn write stories making fun of them. I plead the first. :P
Chapter 2, the (mis)adventure continues!
Kaitlin was now dirty, drenched with water, and still hungry, but she still kept up her brainless fangirl optimism that she would soon be Legolas' lover and the princess of Mirkwood. Legolas fangirls are stupid, but they're also incredibly tenacious.
She hobbled, still dizzy from the horse ride and being flung from her mount, across the river and sat down to catch her breath. What an amazing journey it had been, Kaitlin thought. Oh, there were some very minor setbacks, like having no idea where she was, having no food or money, and not being able to find Legolas, but they were only obstacles of her trial! Soon, the power of her love and her godmoding would prevail, and she and Legolas would live happily ever after. Like I'm going to use THAT as an ending for this parody.
She turned around leapt with surprise; four elves were staring at her, bows drawn and arrows held loosely at their sides. One looked mildly curious, the other three looked suspicious.
"A girl?" One of them asked.
"A human girl." The second corrected. "In strange refinery, too. Nowhere in Middle-earth have I seen such odd garments."
"ELVES!" She jumped in delight, and the elves tensed. "You're from Rivendell City, aren't you?"
One of the elves laughed, but the others glared.
"Rivendell is not a city, fool girl." The third elf said dryly. "It is the House of Elrond." He whispered to the second elf. "She bears the stupidity of an ox."
"I heard that!" Kaitlin glared at the elf. "You have no right to insult me! I am the future wife of Legolas, your prince!"
The elves stared at her, and the one who had looked curious now equaled the suspicious glares of the others.
"Girl, Legolas is not our prince." The fourth elf said coldly.
"Wait…I forgot…isn't Rivendell in Mirkwood?" A lot of fangirls get that confused too, y'know.
The elves narrowed their eyes in unison. It seemed Kaitlin was going from bad to worse.
"Mirkwood is miles northwest of here. Your intelligence is low even by the standards of your kind." The first elf seemed to revel in insulting Kaitlin.
"That's not very nice!" Kaitlin said. "I am-"
One signaled to the others and they pointed their bows at Kaitlin, who cut off immediately, eyes widening.
"It is also a great insult to call yourself the future wife of Legolas." The elf continued. "Legolas is an immortal prince of Mirkwood, and you are a human girl…nothing but a mortal."
"That doesn't matter!" Kaitlin persisted. "The power of hope and dreams will triumph, and I will marry him!" I should shut her up now, so I don't bore you all to death with her love and dreams.
The elves tightened their grips on their arrows. "Girl, you are a step away from death." The third elf said coldly. "Do not persist in this matter."
"Where are you from, and what are you doing here?" The second elf chimed in. "There has not been another human here for some time aside from Strider."
Kaitlin thought for a moment, then recognized the name; she had also included some scenes with that guy who was the heir to some throne; he wasn't as sexy as Legolas though. Details didn't matter to her, only how Strider and Legolas were hot!
"Aragorn!" She burst without thinking…well, thinking is beyond Bloom fangirls anyway. "Yeah, I know Aragorn!"
One of the elves roughly shoved her onto the bank.
"How do you know Strider's true name?" The fourth elf demanded furiously.
"Er, I-I watched the Fellowship of the Ring, and-"
"The RING?" The first elf stared at her. "How does she know about the One Ring?"
"The One Ring?" Kaitlin tilted her head. "That's The Dark Lord's or something, isn't it? The Dark Lord is real in Lord of the Rings, you know, in this world, he isn't a fairy tale or anything, that's one of the few non-Legolas scenes I remember-"
"Perhaps she is a human agent of Sauron!" The first stared at Kaitlin with fury. Legolas would not dare mingle with slime like her, she can be swept downriver!"
"No!" Kaitlin started to say. "Really, Fellowship of the Ring is a movie, and-"
"Movie?" Repeated the third elf. "Girl, if I want nonsense shouted at me by a girl with undeniably low intelligence I shall ask the Istari to brew a Babbling Beverage for you." The elf spat.
With that, he picked up Kaitlin by the scruff of her neck and hurled her into the center of the river. Wondering when she would stop landing face down on the ground, she stood up. "Please!" She begged. "You're making a mistake! I am worthy of Legolas' affection, and I'm not an agent of…whoever you said he was, Sauro, thing! I don't know, I fast forwarded through all the scenes in the movie that didn't involve Legolas!"
"Perhaps she is one of Sauron's low ranking spies." One of the elves said audibly. The others smiled slightly. "She is certainly too insane to perform any of his tasks."
With that, the elves seemed to focus intently on the river and started chanting. Kaitlin continued babbling about how she spelled LEGOLAS in her cereal every morning and talking about the pictures of Legolas in her endless gallery back at home, presumably thinking that any of the elves actually gave a crap. She had a vague idea what this scene was; she had fast forwarded through it because didn't have Legolas; it didn't even have Aragorn.
A rushing sound interrupted her babbling, thankfully silencing her. The elves stood back looking complacent. Kaitlin stared at where the increasingly loud rushing noise was coming from, and her eyes widened when she looked at her feet and saw a wave of water, in the shape of several horses, cascade over her like a tidal wave. Kaitlin managed to gasp a breath before she was swept off her feet into the water and the elves faded from view almost immediately.
Kaitlin felt as though she was being tumbled around like a rag doll. She kept spinning around and around, and she had no idea where she was going; partly because she had read and reread the biography of Legolas in her Fellowship of the Ring scrapbook instead of looking at the Middle earth map.
Kaitlin managed to break the surface of the rushing stream just in time to see an incoming branch hit her full in the face. "YEOW!" She yelled, ducking her head just in time to feel another branch, this one under the water, hit her in the stomach. "OOOW!" She gasped as it drove the air from her lungs. She resurfaced to see a second branch hit in her in the face; she ducked and got another branch in the stomach.
This joyous process continued only for a few minutes (sorry readers, I know it's delightful but I can't have it last TOO long). Kaitlin would repeatedly get hit by various branches and immediately give off an earsplitting "OW!" or "YEEEOOOW!".
Finally, Kaitlin managed to grab a branch that was for once higher than her head and pull herself out of the water. There were several swollen spots on her stomach and a large bump on her forehead, but she ignored the pains to shout out to nobody in particular:
"I've overcome the hardest challenge yet! Those elves were only testing my devotion to Legolas! It can only go uphill from here!"
No sooner had she said these words than a bird on top of the tree above Kaitlin laid its droppings on her head.
"GROSS!" Kaitlin screamed and ducked her head under the river and scrubbed her hair furiously before resurfacing.
"Throw anything you've got at me, Middle-Earth, but I will be with my lover Legolas!" (She's really asking for it by now)
"Now…" thought Kaitlin. "What do I do now? I need to find out where that stream took me so I can get back on track to Legolas again."
Kaitlin marched off singing jubilantly about Legolas. Birds took off screeching loudly once they heard Kaitlin's voice, which sounded vaguely like nails scratching on a chalkboard into a megaphone. You'd think by now all of these setbacks would have sharpened her senses just a little bit, but oh, that's right…the whole "Legolas fangirl" thing.
She hadn't gone far before she encountered another road. "Aha!" Kaitlin cried. "A road! Surely this one will lead me to Legolas!" With that she picked another direction randomly and walked off, apparently having no idea she did not know where the hell she was going.
She hadn't walked far with her stomach still growling from hunger before she encountered a small town. "Awesome, a place for me to rest! Surely they'll give me the best room, as I am Princess Kaitlin!"
In a record breaking two minutes she had been chucked out of the tavern and had landed in the mud.
"You laugh!" She screeched to the laughing men inside the tavern as she wobbily stood up. "Once I'm a queen I'll give all of you lifelong prison sentences!" Someone in the bar replied by throwing a beer flagon at her, then threw the bottle for good measure. She swiftly avoided them by falling back down into the mud again.
"Who needs you?" She yelled defiantly into the tavern, then stalked off.
Before she managed to get herself thrown out, Kaitlin had managed to eat some food. She thought it was some form of meat, but she ate it anyway. That's right folks: What do you with something when you don't know what it is? That's right: Put it in your mouth!