Here we go, chapter two!
This chapter might be confusing to some. I apologize for that and any mistakes in this Fic
It's only 3 o'clock in the morning, and I'm not asleep.
The voices are yelling,
I'm going in deep.
I'm not falling
I'm not spinning
I'm just running fast.
Not running to safety
But to a danger up a head
Its a red brick wall-
I know if I hit it…I'm dead.
My shoes catch on fire.
Sweat runs down my face
My heart is beating
But not in a steady pace.
The wall is coming closer
The fire spreads to my back
Who will save me?
Its not a who
But it is a what.
Its shinny and sharp
And its used to cut…
Water is poured over me
The fire Is doused
I am knocked of the track
And into the house
I fall on a nice soft bed
I am happy and free
I look at my bleeding leg
It wasn't five cuts
But only three….
I glance at the small clock the was hanging right about the desk, the light from my lamp barely making is visible so I had the squint to try to read the time.
It had just turned 3:35.
Its now 3:35 AM and I still can't sleep. The voices in my head won't leave me alone. Yea I said voices…as a plural. There is more then one. Well, I guess there is.
Sometimes it's a men male voice, other times it's a lady with a voice that could make anyone shiver. Luckily she doesn't come out much. She makes me act…bad. I don't know any other way to put it. She tells me to hurt other people, and myself as well. But, I fight her as good as I can…
"Ponyboy? What cha' doin' up?" A groggy voice broke through my thoughts and I turned to see the slightly visible Sodapop sitting up.
"Just can't sleep, Soda…" I whispered. I knew if Darry heard us, he'd be in there in just little more then a second.
"Hmm, what's wrong baby?"
'Would he still call you, his little brother, "baby" if he knew what was wrong with you? If he knew what you did?'
" That's all. Can't sleep." I looked down at my note book, writing one last thing:
No, they wouldn't call me baby, if they new my secret.
Then I shut the book.
Soda got up and came towards me draping his arm around my shoulder. "Something else a' matter," He touched my forehead, I was starting to hate that. "You know you can talk to me, right Pon?"
"I know." I mumbled. You're wrong Soda…you're wrong.
"Soda?" I said quietly, I had to ask him a question it was killing me.
"Hmm?" He pushed me out of the chair and towards the bed, once settle in, I turned to look at him.
"Is it my fault ..that Johnny and Dally are dead?" 'That was smart, be blunt why don't ya!"
"Ponyboy! Heck naw!" I couldn't see him, but I knew he was staring at me wide eyed. "We've told you before it isn't. Is that what's bothering you?"
"Kinda…" I mumbled again. I didn't believe him, I didn't believe him at all. "Just forget it, lets go to sleep."
He said something, but I had stopped listening…selective hearing or something.
I might have said "Lets go to sleep."
But, I didn't sleep at all.
****
"Dang kid, you look like hell warmed over twice." Steve was staring at me.
Monday, two days after my "dazing" incident, It was barely 7: 30 and he was already picking on me.
"You look a corn dog…but just the stick!" He pulled on my sleeveless black shirt, which was very loose.
I guess he was right, I haven't slept for two nights and I didn't eat much to began with, but now I don't even remember eating at all.
Darry came in and handed me my jacket, his eyes looked me up and down, and he creased his brow in concern. "Maybe you should stay home today-"
"I can't!" I snapped, I honestly didn't mean to. "I mean…we have tryouts today during first and second block. Ya know for next years track team!"
Darry probably didn't know all that much about me, but he did know how much running meant to me…didn't he? "Alright. But if you feel sick or anything, You know mine and Soda's work numbers."
"Yea, yea." I waved my hand after pulling on my jacket. "I better g. I wanna do some early laps and stuff."
I was gone before they could respond.
*
I stuffed my hands in my pocket, feeling the bulk of the gauze bandage wrapped around my right thigh.
I knew what laid under the gauze…semi- fresh cuts.
That poem I wrote early Saturday morning wasn't just for fun, it was true…
After getting home Friday night and going to bed, I woke up, maybe an hour later, and everything just hit me like bomb.
I had to cut again…but it was only 3 cuts…I felt guilty about doing the other two that day. I wasn't sure why…I'm not sure of anything anymore.
I've been cutting more, a lot more.
Later on Saturday, counting the 3 cuts from that morning, I had cut a total of 9 times…10 if you count the small nick I made.
(1)On Sunday…maybe 8-13. That day was completely wiped out of my mind. Maybe it was 13...Steve and I fought on Sunday, I do remember that…not fist fight, but we had our share of words.
And this morning…just a few small nicks. Nothing that would open a spew blood during tryouts.
But I had to do something-
It helps me concentrate - honest it does!
I can push back all the other things that are and have happened and focus on my goal.
But you almost destroyed everything, didn't you Idiot?
I winced but continued to walk the familiar path towards my school. The voice was right, I almost messed up big time. It was Saturday, the day after the "dazing" incident:
Flashback:
I didn't get more then hour of sleep that night, so I was kind of…slow. I waited until Soda woke up and got out of bed before I moved.
I threw my legs over the side of the bed, and forced my legs and arms to help the rest of me stand. Once I was up, I slapped my self -good and hard- trying to get just a bit of pain to help me concentrate for just a few minutes.
I had cut earlier, before writing in my note book…
…I don't like calling it a journal or diary. It seems that those words can draw people to it like magnets…so its just my note book.
…so the small tingling sensation helped as well.
I slowly, dragged my feet out the door and to the kitchen where I heard the familiar voices of the gang…or what was left of it.
And remember, that's your fault… The voice had said.
When I entered the kitchen everyone seemed to go on mute. I stared at them for awhile, " 'Sup?"
Then the talking slowly began, Two-Bit offered me some of his chocolate cake "Sorry took the last piece." But when I looked at the dark brown mass, that was rested on a light blue plate, my stomach began to churn. "Urg...no thanks."
There was that look again. I had either grown two heads, or they though I have went insane. Darry was about to say something when Steve cut in- "Pony, what's wrong with you leg?" I looked down and saw that blood had socked through my dingy faded blue jeans. It wasn't really big, but big enough to notice. The stain was about the size of a silver dollar or maybe a little bigger.
I guess, a few of the cuts have opened up.
No Idiot! You're just on your rag! The "regular" voice said sarcastically, C'mon idiot use your brain for once!
"Golly, I didn't even notice that. Dun' get work up or a nothing. I just fell last night. That's all."
I didn't give them a change to argue or anything. I was gone…
..I went into the bathroom and I cut five times…I had to.
…Then before going to bed that night I cut only once. This time, I wrapped it with gauze form the First Aid Kit.
End of Flashback
I cursed myself softly, I had been doing a lit of running lately.
Not even sure what I'm running form anymore.
I guess you can say its habit.
~*~*~
End of chap. 2. Yea I know this chapter sucked…but give me a break. Next chapter will be post either tonight or tomorrow bye
1. I'll write a side story for the fight, if you guys want me to.