"No ma'am! I ain't gonna see any shrink." I looked at this Dr. Turner, my eyes locked with her dark brown ones. "I might be a little sick, but I ain't some nut case." I flung the sheet off of me, and threw my legs over the edge, I wanted to go home!

"Where do you think you're going?" She asked when I stood up.

I threw on the rough robe that the hospitals provided and glared at her, "I've been awake for six days now, I'm going home!"

She placed her arm in my way, blocking the path to the door. "How will you get there? Your brothers aren't here and you'll catch pneumonia if you tried going out there."

I growled under my breath.

"Growl all you like, but you're staying in this hospital. Now, I've talked to your brothers about seeing Dr. Griffin, he's the psychiatrist, he-"

" 'evaluates the mental stability of a patient then is able to subscribe medication, unlike a psychologist.'" She was staring at me.

"I go to school, I might be a greaser but I do learn."

"I wasn't thinking that Michael."

I rolled my eyes, "That's my middle name, ya know?"

She sighed, "The final discussion is up to you."

She started to turn and walk off.

"Isn't there a therapist who I'd also see…someone who I can talk to?" I looked at me hands.

"Of course, Ponyboy."

I sighed, "Alright, I'll see them…"

"Good." She came over and placed her hands on my shoulders. "You can get an evaluation today is you want."

I sighed in defeat and just nodded.

~*~*~

My first impression of Dr. Griffin, the psychiatrist, to put it lightly was that he was an old bastard.

Not once did he look up from his note pad to look at me, I'm not sure if he even knew I was a greaser of not!

He asked his questions bluntly, "Why did you attempt suicide?" or "Why do you cut your self?"

I hope I never have to see him again!

I bet he didn't even listen to my responses, he just went 'uh-huh' or 'I see' for the fun of it. Maybe he was just doodling on that pad of his…I bet he was.

He did look up to glance at the clock, then he looked back down and scribbled something. "I'm going to prescribe you Nardil." He held his hand out with the small piece of scribbled on paper. "Just hand it to the girl at the front desk, she'll get it for you."

I walked out without a word.

"How was it?" Darry jumped up the minute I walked out the door. I placed the prescription on the woman's desk and the took it and got up, going to a back room.

I looked at Darry, "I don't wanna see him again." I picked up the clipboard and signed my name on the sign out sheet.

"Dr. Griffin is like that to everyone." The woman said coming back, she handed me a blue bottle with a brown label. "Your evaluation was paid for and there's a sample of the Nardil." She gave me a smile and I returned it, then Darry and I left.

*

The next stop was to the therapist. Actually it wasn't really a drive or anything. Both places were in a building close to the hospital…an easy walk.

Doctor Cera Turner was sitting in the front room when Darry and I walked in.

"Well, that was faster then I had expected." She gave me a smile, I didn't return it- I'm sick of forcing out fake smiles. "Didn't like Dr. Griffin, I see."

"That's the understatement of the century…" I mumbled.

"Oh, don't worry you'll only see him once a month."

I rolled my eyes, "I'd like never better."

"Pony." Darry said as her placed him hand on my shoulder, giving in a squeeze.

"Alright. Let me get this over with."

*The doctor was a woman, she was okay…I mean she looked at me when I came in….but I didn't dare start liking her.

"So, Ponyboy." She gave one of those smiles that didn't look fake but it could've been fake. "I like that name, its very unique.

I didn't say anything, I was sitting there just studying her name plate tat was on the edge of her desk. "Ginger Dawn" it read.

"It was hand carved," She said picking it up and handing it to me. "I went up northwest and in one of the few remaindering Indian tribes, there was a man and he carved it for me. It was amazing really, I didn't tell him my last name, just he put the sun raising about the meadows behind my name...symbolizing Dawn"

"Its beautiful." I said as I ran my fingers over the carvings one last time before placing it back on her desk.

"So, you're fourteen and in high school."

"Yes, I was moved ahead."

"Oh, gut! You like school?"

"I love school actually. Gut? What's that?" I stared at her, maybe she was the one sick.

"Heh, gut means good. It's German. Some times I just start talking in it, habit I guess."

"Oh."

"Well, are you thinking about going to college in the future."

I nodded, "Uh-huh, even if I wasn't Darry would make me go."

"Daryl, you're brother?"

"Yes…he never got the chance to go, after…" I trailed off and looked away.

"I heard about it, you parents death, and I'm sorry." She cleared her throat thinking about something else. "What do you want to do after you graduate?"

"I dunno, I never thought about it. But I'd like to be a writer someday, other then that I don't know."

"Tell me about writing Pony, what do you write about?" She leaned forward.

"Mainly life." I shrugged, "I like writing poetry and stuff…it's like my secondary relief."

"Oh? What would your first be?"

"I-I don't want to talk about it." I felt dirty all of a sudden…everyone knows, even Darry and Soda. The doctors had found my scars…they told, they told everyone. Now they knew how much of a freak I was.

That you are…

"Alright that's your choice." She took a card out from one of the holders and wrote something on the back. "Here is my home number. If you ever need any help…or you just want to talk. Call me." She smiled.

"You can go now, if you want." She stood when I did "It was super meeting you." Then she hugged me. "Call me for anything.

I was stunned. No one besides my parents and brothers have ever hugged me. I hot forgot how nice it felt to be hugged like that. Not rough…but gentle…like mom.

"Dr. Dawn?" I was finally about to talk "When do I get to see you again?"

"…Well, every two days at one o'clock until you go back to school…then we'll talk about it." She paused, "But, of course you can see me whenever you need to."

I nodded then turned to door knob, "Thank you." I opened the door and stepped out shutting it behind me.

*

Outside of the door, I found Darry sitting with Dr. Turner in a pair of chairs down the hall. They were too involved in their conversation to know that I was there.

"…how he's doing." Darry was saying.

"Well, I'm sure he's fine. Dr. Dawn is very nice and relates with the kids-"

"Yea, she is nice. Can we go now?"

They both turned and looked at me in surprise, Darry was giving me that look he and the guys gave me so often.

I'm-worried-about-you look mixed with the you-scare-me look.

I hated it…

Makes you angry doesn't it…?

Not only did people know I cut myself…they know about the voices…they just don't know that they are still here.

While crossing the street toward the hospital, I remember the first time Soda asked me about the voices…

*

Soda and I were alone in the room just watching TV….or flipping through it.

"Nothings on!" I flipped back into bed, and Soda stood and cut the television off. "Oh well, I wanted to talk to you anyway."

"About what?" I shifted uncomfortably…I hated being alone with only one of them, if made me feel uneasy…cause I knew they were gonna ask me questions or something.

He took my hand in his, but he wasn't looking at me. "You scared me a lot you know…"

"I'm sorry…" I felt ashamed.

"Every time you say sorry…its gonna scare me…" I looked at him, he had tears in his eyes. "Pony…why? That's all I wanna know, if why."

I couldn't answer it…I could, but I didn't want to.

"Is it the voices? You hear voice right?"

"How did you know?" I said in chock, then I mentally kicked myself.

"You…you were havin' a nightmare the day they brought you in. You said something about voices…and a wall…what did you mean?"

I couldn't lie to him, Soda knows when I'm laying. "They talk to me…taunt me…they were the ones who told me to hurt myself." I pulled my hand from his, I didn't want him to get dirty…I didn't want him to catch my disease.

"Pony…"

"Lets not talk about it right now, 'kay Soda?"

He just looked at me, that look everyone gave me….

~*~*~

When we made it back to my hospital room, I folded the gown that I had threw on the ground while Darry dumped my clothes and stuff in bags.

"So, you liked the therapist?"

He asked standing next to me, folding clothes and dumping them in the bags.

"Yea, she's better then that Griffin guy."

That was the end of that convocation…back to uneasy silence.

"Look Darry…I'm sorry." I bit my lip, I knew they hated me apologizing…it scared them.

"'Bout what Pony?" He turned to me.

"I…I" I stopped, what was I trying to say? "We won't be able to pay off this hospital bill…and know I've piled more on us…" Darry grabbed me.

"Stop it Pony! I'm sick of you blaming your self…just stop!"

I looked down, feeling guilty again. I couldn't look at him anymore, he was tired…he was tired because of me. Because I'm stupid…just stupid.

Doctor Turner came in soon afterwards, with the relief papers.

As Darry signed them…I couldn't help but be scared…

What was waiting for me at home?

Pity… Grief ..Worry…Sadness…

…Voices. No, the voices were with me every where…