The Answering Machines Messages of KH

Hello. This is the Heartless. But we're not home right now, so leave you're message at the tone, and we'll steal you heart as soon as we can.

Hello, this is Yuffie and Sora. We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmm….I wonder what this button does.

Hello, this is Yuffie and Leon's house. Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, Leon's busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have our asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Hi, this is Sora's answering machine, Riku. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave called Kairi he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

Hades speaking. Who in Hell do you want?

Hi, this is Cid. Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am a gummi engineer. I can do that.

Hi, this is Riku. How do you keep an idiot in supense? Leave a message and I'll get back to you…

Thank you for calling Yuffie's hou…I mean, the Confessional Hotline. Father Kisaragi's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you describe everything in vivid, graphic detail!

Hello, you've reached Cloud and Aerith. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Aerith likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hello. This is Riku's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Hi, this is Cid's machine. I'm out robbing the liquor store. If this is the police I'm just napping.

Hi! This is Sora. I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Boom)

Hello, this is the Strife residence. Aerith and I are in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Hello, you have reached the Kisaragi family and I can't come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone number, short message, social security number, and credit card number, and I'll call you when I'm done shopping.

Hi, this is Kairi. You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering machine; this is…the Twilight Phone.

Hi. This is Riku. If I'm not here, it's probably because I'm saving Sora from his hot pocket. You know the drill.

Hi. This is Sora. If I'm not here, it's probably because I'm trying to stop Riku from eating my hot pocket. Now what…Oh yeah, leave a message!

Hi. This is Sora:
If you're the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you're Mom, please send money.
If you're Riku, you owe me money.
If you're Kairi, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

A is for alcohol, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why Cid's not here. So leave a message.

Hi, this is Riku. Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number and reason you called.

Hi, this is Sora. Can't take your call, I'm hiding from the men in black raincoats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message!

Hi, this is Cid. I am not here right now, but if you are a creditor you can kiss my…

Riku's Suicide hotline…please hold.

Hi, thish ish Cid. Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Thank you for calling Cid's Accessory Shop. If you wish to speak to Cid, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Zephyr, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes me feel like we have a big time phone system.

This is not Sephiroth's answering machine - this is Sephiroth's telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hello, this is Sora. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Hi, this is Sora. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Hi, this is Leon. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

You have reached Yuffie's CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hi, this is Sora. I've been having these weird thoughts lately, like is any of this for real or not? How do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

Hi, I'm a Heartless and I was just about to steal Sora's heart…I mean, answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

Hi, this is Sora. If you are a Heartless, then I'm probably at home cleaning my Keyblades right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, I'm probably not at home and it's safe to leave me a message.

Hi, this is Yuffie. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're Leon, Aerith, Cloud, or from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi, this is Cloud. I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you…What? I wasn't doing anything Aerith…

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Sora can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

Hello, this is Riku. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Thank you for calling Cid's Accessory Shop. Cid can't come to the phone right now, and the moogles are out back barbecuing Zephyr. After the tone, please leave your name, number and message, and maybe we'll get back to you.

President Leon is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

This is Kairi, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

Leave a Message at the beep!

Leave a Message at the beep.

Leave a Message at the beep?

>Beep>

Ok, Disclaimer time. I don't own Kingdom Hearts or the Characters therein. Zephyr belongs to Vulpes Lapis, whose one-shots are much funnier than mine and I demand that you go read them right now!

Now, I post!