The Answering Machine Messages of KH: Part II

This is Sora and Kairi's phone. We're not here right now, but…uh…the phone is!

Hi, this is Sora. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Cloud Strife. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.

Hello. You are talking to Riku's machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

2: Yeah, nobody but us Heartless!

1: Right, just us heartless, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...

2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!

1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

2: ...unless of course, Sora comes in here with the Keyblade!

1: I didn't expect a Heartless.

2: Nobody expects a Heartless.

1: Our chief use is to get your heart…I mean name. And your phone number.

2: Our three chief uses are to get your name, your message, and your phone number.

1: Oops! And your Heart!

2: Our four uses are to get your name, phone number, Heart, and message.

1: And time you called.

2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.

1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

Hi, this is Yuffie. Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached...TA-DAAAAA! the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

If you are calling for Leon, press 1. If you are calling for Aerith, press 1. If you are calling for Yuffie OR Cid, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...

Hi, this is Wakka, ya. The good news is that, ya,my power is back on. The bad news for you is, ya, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message, ya.

Hello. My name is Yuffie Kisaragi, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!

Hi, this is Sora. To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! As you can see, I'm off making Destiny Islands a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye! (POW, BIFF.)

This is Riku. Sora's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Sora entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.

Hello, you've reached the phone of Malificent. I can't come to the phone right now because the Riku has turned me into a giant newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

E'llo. My name is Leon Leonheart. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

Thank you for calling the Hades' Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.

Welcome to the Kairi's Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Hi, my name is Cid. What type of people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Thank you for calling Riku's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Leon: Gee, Yuffie, what do you feel like doing tonight?

Yuffie: Same thing we do every night, Leon... Try to take over the world!

(Both Sing:)
They're Leon and the Yuf,

Yes, Leon and the Yuf,

One is a confusing asshole gunblademan, the other's a teenage ninja.

They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow,

Leave a message- for Leon and the Yuf, Yuf, Yuf, Yuf, Yuf!

("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background) You've reached the residence of Sora and Riku. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.
Cloud: Hello. Cloud and Aerith aren't here right now, but if...

Aerith: Cloud, what are you doing?

Cloud: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.

Aerith: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.

Cloud: No, I'm sure it's my turn.

Aerith: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.

Cloud: I know it's... Wait... Aerith... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)

Aerith: Cloud is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

Hi, this is Yuffie advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.

Hi, this is Cid, and I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don't have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the Professor gets stranded here, we'll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll get right back to you.

Hi, this is Sora. I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Riku's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) Oh no, FIRE IN MY HOLE! WAHHH! We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place.

Hello. This is Yuffie and Sora. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

This is Clayton. G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this Chameleon Heartless. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

Hi, this is Kairi. I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Sora's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb.

Hi, this is Yuffie. I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

Leon, Aerith and Cloud can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next!

Hi, This is Riku. I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

Hi, you've reached Kairi's room. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, but my waveform has temporarily collapsed, so leave a message, and I'll call you when I've pulled myself together.

Ansem is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...

Hello, This is Sora and I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet after the old one, Bob, swallowed a cherry bomb. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

Hi, this is Captain Hook's answering machine. I am walking the plank. Any messages you leave will be deleted.

Good evening, this is Jafar. I'm sorry, but Aladdin can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free.

Uh, hello, Kairi and Riku aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

Hello! This is Cid. I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?

Hi, you have reached Sora. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.

This is Cloud. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...

Hi, this is Aerith. (Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal music:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

Hello, this is Leon's voice. Leon's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

Hi, this is the Enigmatic Man. I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

Hi, this is Ansem. If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.

Hello, you have reached Merlin's Magic Hotline of Transverse Town. I am currently seeing into the future, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the "Alacazam!", I will contact you when the stars align properly.

Hello, you have reached Merlin's Magic Hotline of Transverse Town. This is the fairy Godmother. If your keyblade hit you on the head during the Genie summon, press 1. If a love potion went awry and made your best friend fall in love with you, press 2. If your best friend is male, press 3. If you're calling to request a memory wipe, press 4. If you're trying to sell me something, press 5, and the summons will be down to get rid of you shortly.

Hi, this is Axel's answering machine. Commit it to memory.

Hello, you have reached honorable Yuffie's residence. I, Sora, will go and get honorable Yuffie. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Yuffie will call back if house still here.

Hi, this is Cid. I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

Introducing Yuffie's all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Disclaimer- I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts 2, or the characters contained within. And if you try to sue me, I do something to you so bad I can't even think of it yet! No! Ew! Not that kind of bad!