We waited in Doctor Dawn's office until fifteen minutes after my appointments were suppose to have started.
1:15 PM.
I tapped my finger nails…actually my finger tips.. on the arm of the chair I was sitting on.
1:16 PM
Doctor Dawn ran in at that moment, her arms filled with files and a plastic container. "I'm so sorry!" She started and placed everything on her desk. "The place I have lunch at screwed up my order!" She then stuck out her hands towards my brothers. "Hello, I'm Ginger Dawn. Ponyboy's therapist."
Darry shook her hand first. "I'm Daryl Curtis, Pony's oldest brother. "
"And I'm Sodapop Curtis, Pony's second oldest brother. " Soda shook her hand next.
"Its nice to meet both of you. " She gave a quick smile and sat down in her large black leather chair.
"You must be wondering why I called your brothers in here, Pony." She then went into serious mode. "I'm worried about you. Very worried." She then went trough some of the files until she came to a black note book. "When this was given to me," she stopped and looked at me, "When did you first start keeping a journal Pony?"
I let my mouth hang open, "Where did you get that?"
"It's not really the point. Now, when did you start keeping a journal?"
"Depends on what you call a journal. I started writing stuff when mom and dad died." I slid down in my chair and nibbled on my finger nails.
"When did you start writing in a note book?"
"When I killed Johnny and Dally."
"You killed your friends?"
"I was the cause of it…"
"Pony, we've told you-"
"I was the fucking cause of it!" I screamed at my brothers…It was my fault…all my fault.
"Pony," She handed the opened note book to me. "This scared me…all of your poetry is like this."
"Why does it scare you?" I showed my wrist to her, "I've already tried."
"To me, its saying you'll try again. You'll act as if everything is okay, but its not all okay, is it Pony?"
"You're saying my name like she does.." I lowered my head…why wouldn't they leave me alone.
"Who is she?" I looked over at Soda,
"She…she's one of the voices." I stared at the notebook in my hand "She…convinces me to do stuff."
Shut up! Shut up! You weak ass wimp!
"I don't mean to be weak. I just am…!" Tears ran down my face as I stared at the paper. "Why are you doing this to me!" I glared at Doctor Dawn.
"I want to help you," she stayed clam…unlike my brothers who were panicking but trying no to show it.
"Please read what you wrote."
"I can't…I don't want to."
"Pony," Darry was out of his chair and kneeled next to mine, "open up for us, please?"
My voice shook as I spoke…
Don't you open your damn trap!
But I did…
"Teenage Suicide;
Time's rollin' forward
I'm gettin' bored
Layin' on my back
I'm loozin' track
Shifting patterns
And nothin' matters
'Cause there's no one here
And I've lost my fear
Well I've got no place left to hide
I'm running out of time
Moving slowly
The walls are closing
In on me,"
I pause, everyone was quiet, and Doctor Dawn was making notes on her note pad.
"I can not see
Appearing fine, well
That's all a lie
'Cause I am not alright
Extinct inside
I'm runnin' out of time
My brother (mother) says I'm fine
A teenage suicide
No place to hide
Well I've got no place left to hide
No place to hide
I'm runnin' out of time
No place to hide
Ya, I've got no place left to hide
No place to hide
A teenage suicide"
I slammed the book shut and threw it on the doctors desk.
"Pony, how are you feeling now?"
I looked at my brothers, neither of them were looking at me. It didn't matter anyway.
I looked a the doctor right in her eyes. "Well, like I want to die."
*
~_~_~
Teenage Suicide, song by Unwritten Law, I added brother where mother was since…Ponyboy has um…brothers…yea.