Chapter 7: Confusione e Bellezza

:female:

Wufei slept some of the day easily away and woke around mid evening. Rising, he wandered the confines of his room in a daze, fingering various objects throughout the room until he ended again at the journal. With a sigh, heavy and deep in his heart, he settled down with it in hand and opened it to the first page. He had to see where things were the same, where they were different.

'The first thing I guess I should talk about before anything else, is how it was when Milliardo gave me the katanas. I didn't cry then, to think of how Treize was dead. I haven't cried yet, but I will. I remember him, even now. I'd thought I hated him and in some ways I still do. But I've loved him as well. It's hard to love someone and hate them at the same time. In fact I have found it to be an impossibility. And now that I can finally say that aloud, I don't find it as complicated as I'd thought it to be. In fact, I can see many …'

Wufei read voraciously. It was an entirely different war here, in this journal. Much like his own in so many respects, but in areas of difference. He had exulted in Treize's death. This Wufei had been glad for the end of a war, but found nothing to rejoice in the death of a loved one, no matter how necessary. And this Wufei had had to come to terms with one of those pilots watching his back, being a woman.

'I've been instructed to speak of my partner today, to say what she means to me. I can say this. I've never been more glad for a friend than I am with Duo. But there was a time I was not glad. Many times, actually, when I saw nothing of value in a woman who had too much life in her and too little care about the world.

I know now, that the Duo I knew as a young man, was mostly a mask. And yet, nevertheless, she let me in to her painful world. The atrocities done against a child, that a child had to do, were like oceans to my puddles of pain. And all I know is that it has been and forever will be, one of the greatest of honors to have worked with someone so selfless, so intent and able, and someone so alive that I've learned to live from her. I only wish I could be more for her, to be enough to heal her. And it breaks my heart to see no one who can do for her what Treize did for me. I sometimes wonder if maybe…'

He hadn't been able to sleep well that night, drifting off while reading still, sometime in the wee hours of the morning. The sharp rap on his bedroom door startled him awake however. "What?" he called.

"Time to get up, Chang," came the distant voice on the other side. He winced. She was still mad.

It was, in some ways, like his marriage. He could already feel the old weaknesses come back just by hearing her anger. She was disappointed in him too.

Grumbling, he raised himself, dressed, and wandered downstairs to enter in and get himself some tea. His blue mug was still there, the morning sunshine broke in over his head and he turned with the mug in his hands and stared at the bent head of Heero.

Should he say good morning? He hadn't said good morning in his world. Heero was the one to say it every morning. It hadn't been much, but it had been something. And here, there was no acknowledgment of his even having entered the room.

Frustrated, Wufei gave in to the sense of oppressive silence and put his tea cup down on the table, pulling a chair out for himself. "Good morning," he tried quietly.

Heero looked up from a cup of tea himself and glowered.

"You know, coffee might work better at waking you up," Wufei tried politely.

"Hn," a grunt as Heero stood and walked to get a jar off of the counter and returned, putting it before Wufei.

Wufei lifted the top and looked inside. Honey. He didn't like sweeteners in his tea. He didn't like anything that sweet. That was Heero's and Duo's line. Heero was the one that Duo had changed, not him. Not in his world.

"How many spoonfuls?" he asked.

"Two," the other expilot said.

Wufei stared at the honey with distaste and then sighed. "If you try coffee, I'll have honey," he stated.

Heero stared at him.

Wufei shrugged. "Duo's mad at me right now. Calling me Chang," and was that a small smile of amusement on Heero's face? "I don't feel like honey. But then, you don't want to wake up properly and I know for a fact that coffee works best." He sounded like Duo for heaven's sake! He flushed and looked down at the teaspoon and the honey.

Heero said nothing but with a soft sound that was either annoyance or amusement, stood up and walked to the counter. A short time later the scent of coffee grounds filled the kitchen and with a groan, Wufei poured honey into his tea.

A short while later, the two men sat drinking their respective drinks with thoughtful looks upon their faces and the door to the kitchen banged in. Duo danced in and laughed. "You guys look like a funeral. Who died?" and just like that, the Duo whirlwind was in the room.

She didn't talk to Wufei and Heero kept glancing at him as if trying to tell him to do something, but he didn't know what to say. He could only watch as Heero was suddenly the subject of major discussion on how coffee was going to kill him, but how he was finally becoming a real human being and would he like two pancakes or six?

Heero barely escaped with his life and shot a reproachful glare at Wufei as he ran out of the kitchen, his coffee finished and his laptop under his arm.

And then, horrible stillness settled over the kitchen. Wufei sat in the silence and wished he'd been offered a pancake, just because it would have made things easier. And he didn't know what to do, but he felt like it was in his hands, in his grasp. He desperately went over the journal. He knew the struggle, from hindsight, that the other Wufei had gone through after finally accepting Duo's gender. But that was when they were kids. This time, they were adults and she was by all rights, very angry with him.

No, there was that word again. Disappointed. She was disappointed with him and it made him feel two inches tall.

"Honey, Chang?" she asked in a cold voice as she reached for the pot.

He looked up in alarm and then away again, noting how cold her eyes were. "No thank you. I've already had some."

She did not seem surprised and he assumed it must mean that he normally had honey in his tea. He wasn't sure he'd be able to do that. He liked his tea plain. He always had.

The misery lasted a short while longer before she stood and patting a stomach well rounded (he couldn't help but notice) from a good breakfast, turned and dumped her plates into the sink and then headed out of the house, making sure to slam the front door for good measure.

Wufei took a deep sigh, stood, did the dishes, and rinsed his cup, letting the tea season the mug. Then he too, made his way down to the garage.

But the problem was, there was only one thing left. A motorcycle. He blinked. It was red, flashy, and looked fairly dangerous. It wasn't that he didn't know how to ride. It was just, well…

After hotwiring the thing and cursing every cotton candy pink fairy he knew under his breath, Wufei made his way across town. This wasn't turning out well. He wanted to go home. It wasn't the same, but he was comfortable there. And besides, there wasn't his Duo and Heero here. These two were like oil and vinegar. Neither very appetizing alone.

He made his way into the Preventer's office and nodded to the young woman at the secretarial box. "Where is Amanda?" he asked calmly. He and Amanda had been slowly making their way toward saying the magic words and going out on a first date. He wouldn't mind having a friendly face around right now.

She stared at him in confusion. "Amanda?"

"Yes, the girl who normally works here? Amanda Moore?"

She shook her head with a frown. "No, Officer Chang. Donna. I'm the only one who works here. We don't have an Amanda."

He stared at her blankly, feeling his face pale. "Oh," he murmured and then turned, swiftly walking away. He'd been wondering about other things, but he'd simply assumed the rest of the world would be almost, if not exactly, like the one he'd left. What if he wasn't even in the same department? What if he wasn't in the same office? He turned, blushing and returned to her.

"Umm, Donna," he ventured.

"Yes, Officer Chang?"

"Oh, please. Just call me Wufei," he really could do with a friendly face.

"Of course, Wufei," she smiled cautiously.

"I.. well, I seem to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Or rather, the wrong side of my life, it feels more like. I've hit my head and I'm a tad dizzy, and for the life of me, I really can't remember where I'm supposed to go. What number is my office?" He sounded like an idiot. He felt like an idiot. She was staring at him like he was an idiot. "Sorry," he mumbled, ashamed.

"N-n-no. No problem, sir." She smiled again, but it was more distant. "You're in number 862."

"Thank you." He fled.

- - - - - -

He found his office rather readily, even seeing a few faces he knew, though he was not certain if even the names would be the same here.

Voices in his office arrested him, however.

"No, I don't care what your gut is telling you. I'm not about to start talking to him just like that."

"Duo.."

"Don't Duo me, Heero Yuy! I've been through this with you, he saw it. He knows what a mess I'm in and… ah shit, Heero. Don't. Look. I'm sorry. It was hard. Of course it's hard. It's hard because I love both of you and both of you damned men don't care about anything with tits."

He winced at the crassness of her language. Duo, female Duo, was still that L2 street rat under it all. He would do well not to forget it.

"Duo," Wufei heard Heero try again. "Listen. He's not himself."

"I know he's not himself! He's taken to calling me onna again! That tells me volumes. I told him I loved him. He lost all respect and care for me and he turned back into Mr. Frigid Dragon Queen again."

Wufei didn't know what got into him, but he felt his heart leap into his throat when he realized he'd stepped into the doorway. "I'm not sure queen is an appropriate name," he muttered somewhat snidely, but holding back. He wasn't the type to go out of his way to make Duo miserable. It just was happening that way. "And," he added desperately, "the knock on the head did a number on me. I'm sorry for calling you onna, today."

He didn't wait to hear what she would say, instead he went and sat down at the nearest desk, picking up a report and staring at it. He hadn't a clue what had happened here, he'd never be able to fill out a report.

Silence behind him. Then slowly, "Uh, Chang?" that was Heero.

"I know, I know," he muttered. "She's pissed and I'm an ass. I've already insulted the secretary down at the front desk, I had to hotwire my motorcycle because I couldn't find my keys, and I haven't a clue what I did yesterday on this damned report! Who the hell is Officer…" he stopped and pulled the paper closer to his eyes, "Kah-… kadawalski? What kind of name is that?"

He turned then, waving the report in front of him and stopped, noticing that both of the other officers were staring at him.

"What? What now?" he growled. "Did I cut myself shaving? I didn't shave this morning. I know that. I couldn't find the shaving knife and all there were in the damned bathroom were these stupid electric razors. I haven't a clue how to turn one of those blamed things on!"

A moment of silence and then softly, Duo spoke. "That's my desk. You're sitting in my desk. And Kadawalski is our team leader, the electric shaver is the one I got you for Christmas last year, and your keys are probably in the garage, hanging on the nail next to the door where all of our keys are kept. Are you feeling okay?" And she stepped forward.

"I'm fine, onn-" and he shut his mouth tightly and sighed, rubbing his head. Dammit, no. He wasn't fine. "Sorry," he sighed. He seemed to be doing an impossible amount of apologizing since waking up the day before.

Heero frowned and moved behind him. When the japanese man's hands touched his shoulders, Wufei tensed. Then, slowly he felt the warmth of those hands seep into his skin and Heero slowly began to move his fingers into Wufei's muscles.

The tired officer closed his eyes and tried to keep from crying or from killing something. And Duo hadn't said a word. He opened a wary eye and stared at her.

Was it possible for a woman and a man to look almost identical, yet for the woman to be gorgeous and the man to be nothing exciting? Not that his Duo hadn't been beautiful. It was just a manly beauty and Wufei had no interest in men, not really. He wanted a woman, he needed women. He just hadn't exhibited that need since his wife had died. He'd been almost ready to try to make a go of it with Amanda. Only Amanda was now Donna and didn't look or act anything alike.

But Duo did. Duo was the same here. There were subtle differences but the look she was giving him was the same look his Duo would have given him. One of exasperation and worry. And he didn't want Duo to be worried.

"Look," he mumbled. "I know I'm acting crazy. I'm sorry. I don't even know which way is up anymore. Maybe I should just go," and he stood, out of Heero's hands.

She was before him and she pushed him bodily back into his chair. He went almost willingly, trying to keep from shouting out 'onna' at her and getting himself beat again in the process.

"No, Wufei," she spoke and he knew he was in trouble, but not as big of trouble as when she'd used his last name. That is, if the two Duo's did things the same when it came to names. "No, you aren't going anywhere. Heero is going to get Sally Po, I'm going to watch over you, and we're going to get your head looked at. You've really hit yourself hard and you're acting strange, you're right. But only strange about some things."

"About some things?"

"Well, you found your coffee cup this morning, and you had honey, and you did your morning ritual, albeit at three in the morning, but you did it…" she grinned and his heart quickened in pace. The same, side long grin, but in a face that he wanted to touch. And she was not mad at him anymore. Duo wasn't mad at him any longer.

He reached out and grabbed for her braid. She stiffened and he didn't apologize because he'd never touched Duo's braid. Not while Duo was awake anyway. He knew what it meant and it was as long, as fine, and as beautiful as it had been on her male counterpart. But she didn't pull away.

"Why did you fall in love with me?" he murmured. He understood why the other Duo did. The other Duo loved him, had come to accept him, and had seen a friend in him. But the other Duo was a man, someone who didn't need to see him as something worthy of love, someone able to provide, someone stronger and better than him. With the other Duo, he'd been a man to a man, an equal. To a woman? What did he have to offer a woman, really? And to a woman who was far more alive, more beautiful, more talented, and a better fighter than he? She was just like Meilan. She was better in everything.

"Because you're my friend," she whispered and smiled at him with eyes that pained but did not cry. Duo rarely cried, even as a woman. He could tell because so many things were the same.

He shook his head. "Not good enough," he murmured. "Why?"

Duo tilted her head, confused. "Because you let me buy you an electric razor. Because you eat macaroni and cheese with me. Because you watch stupid Schwartzenegger films after seeing old black and whites with me. Because you listen when I talk and respect me and treat me like an equal instead of like a stupid girl trying to make it in a man's world. Because you taught me to defend myself both inwardly and outwardly. Because of who you are, Wuff-babe."

He felt his heart sinking inside of him. "But," he whispered. "But what if I'm none of those things? If I've done none of those things?"

Duo stared at him, her eyes speaking volumes and after a long moment where Wufei wasn't sure what would happen next, she opened her mouth to speak.

And was immediately interrupted by the door opening. "What is going on here?" Sally walked in with a stern look on her face. Behind her, Heero stood with his impassive face and his arms crossed over his chest.

Duo stood and brushed at some dust on Wufei's pants. "He hit his head the other day."

"I see, and when was this?"

"About oh eight hundred hours," Heero responded.

Sally nodded briskly. "And symptoms? Come on, Chang. We have to get you to a CAT scan."

"What? I don't need a CAT scan! Get your hands off of me, onna!" he snarled.

Sally grimaced. "Same old stubborn ass, I see," she mumbled and Wufei, a little behind on what had been said, breathed an inner sigh of relief. It seemed he was allowed to call other women onna, just not Duo.

"He can't remember various things. He didn't know where his keys were but he knew how to hotwire a vehicle. He forgot who Donna was and she reports he asked her where his office was. He sat at my desk when he entered and he has been calling me all sorts of nasty names!" Duo crowed and Wufei grimaced.

"You are getting too much fun out of this, Maxwell," he growled again. He knew this side of Duo well.

Heero smirked and Duo grabbed onto Wufei's other arm. "C'mon Wufferbub. We're gonna go to get a little, ickle, widdy shot.."

"I'm going to kill you," he snarled.

"That's his line, Wuff-babe," Duo grinned as she passed Heero who took up the rear.

Wufei would have fought harder, only that he knew that Duo acted extra happy, extra giddy like she was, when she was worried, scared to death, actually. And that as soon as Sally was gone, she would more than likely drop the mask. But for now, he could play along.

And only hope that the brain scan didn't give away his secret.

- - - - - - - - - -

- - - -

((Okay, two chapters in a row, but I needed to WRITE today! Hee hee… I'll get back to the bigger fics in a tad bit. Christmas is busy and making gifts seems to take up a LOT of time. We're getting more diverse though and I'm loving it! Heh.))