I lie on my bed, staring at the ceiling, my hands bandaged from being lacerated as I pounded on the stone door. Wakka, Tidus, and Selphie cut class and came looking for me when I never showed up at school. Why didn't it open? Why?
My mother says I don't have to try to return to school again until next week. For the first time in my life she stays home from work instead of calling on a neighbor to take care of me.
The linen on my bloodied hands is rough, restraining the movements on them. They ache, but I don't feel them. The pain would be worth it if I could just open the damn door. Even trying is better than being confined to my room. At least I'm doing something. Not just sitting around waiting.
A knock on the door sounds and my mother enters without my permission. I don't look at her. Right now, I'd rather be alone. Still, she comes and sits at the foot of my bed, smoothing my sheets. I sit up and draw my knees to my chest as if trying to get as far away from her as I can.
"Kairi, dear," she says, ignoring my actions. She reaches and picks up a stuffed animal off of my dresser, holding in her lap. It's Momo, my favorite toy when I was younger. It takes me a moment to realize it wasn't a cat as I had thought when I was younger. It's a moogle doll. Proof that we aren't from this world after all. Then why doesn't she just tell me about life before Destiny Island?
She doesn't take notice, as if pretending the white plush in her hands is just an overweight cat. I resist the urge to tear it from her, demanding the truth right there. Her normally young looking face has lately been creased with worry and trouble. The ratty old thing comforted me when I was younger, and it seems as if mother hopes for it to do the same for her.
"Kairi," she tries again after I don't answer, still stroking the plush. She seems to be drawing out the silence, not knowing what to say. "Honey, you have to realize they're gone. A freak accident. All I want for you is to put the past behind you."
"I can't," I say softly, wishing I was five again and could crawl under the bed whenever I was upset. "You have it wrong. They'll come back."
Mother gives a small frustrated sigh, placing the plush in my lap. Putting a hand on my shoulder, she is silent for a second as she thinks. "They're gone. In a different place now," she says. "All that you claim, the…other worlds and heartless, they must have been a dream."
It's like she is trying to convince me I am wrong. But she hesitated when she mentioned other worlds. Does she know or doesn't she? It's all too confusing. They did mention that they adopted me when I was found on the beach, so maybe they don't know.
"Mom," I ask suddenly, "Where did you get Momo from?" She looks confused for a moment. Did she know?
"I found it lying on the floor in the living room the day after we brought you home, honey. You were playing with it and we just assumed you always had it." That didn't answer my confusion. If she was telling the truth, she didn't know about other worlds, but she could easily be lying.
Hugging the plush to my chest for a moment as I try to think back, I give up. I can't remember if I had it or not when I came to Destiny Island. Can't remember anything about my past, just as I told Riku and Sora hundreds of time.
My mother gives a little sigh, patting my leg under the blanket and stands up. "Do you want some soup for lunch, Kairi? Chicken noodle," she asks me out of the blue. "I can even bring it up here for you if you want." Change of subject or honest offer for food? I don't know.
"Sure," I say, forcing a smile. I don't know why I am suddenly suspicious of everyone, but I am. Maybe it's because it seems as if secrets have been kept from me all my life. Sora and Riku, did they know? Did they know about their destinies? Was that why they were always practicing sword fighting?
I scratch that thought from my mind, knowing they couldn't have. I was in Sora, and though asleep, I could feel his confusion, his unsure ness. He was in the same boat as I was. They were, are my best friends. They would never keep secrets from me. Would they?
"I'll see you in a bit, honey," she says as she leaves. I feel a small wave of relief as she closes the door, leaving me alone to my thoughts. Now I don't have to be suspicious of her, or at least until she returns.
As soon as the lock clicks, I throw my blanket off and go to my closet, moving a pile of clothes away until the floor boards are visible. Clumsily digging my fingers under one, I lift it to reveal a secret cache I have used over the years. Inside are small mementos and a few pictures, all reminders of Sora and Riku. My parents don't know about this. When they talked to me to remove at least some of the pictures of the boys in my room after I unearthed them from the basement , I returned the cardboard boxes to their place filled with old clothes instead. The pictures I hid in the floor. My parents aren't the only one with secrets.
Spreading a few pictures out with awkward movements, I examine them closely. They are all pictures taken in the secret place. Some are just the walls and drawings made over the years, others with me and my friends in them. The ones of only the walls interest me, especially a shot of the stone door.
Moving the other pictures out of the way, I look for any clue on how to open the door. I scrutinize every inch of each image, searching for anything. If my mother hadn't confined me to my room thinking I needed to rest, I would search the cave walls themselves, but I can't. This is the best I can do for now.
Careful to not crease the photos with my thick lumbering hands, I study the drawings on the walls. Not all of them were drawn by us. Some were there before we could even remember. Could they hold the answers I seek?
What catches my interest are a few drawings on one side of the cave, a castle, some odd, non-human figures. In fact, a couple look like rough drawings of Sora's companions, the duck and the…I'm still not sure what he was. Weren't talking animals proof that things weren't what they seem? Maybe telling about them is what has people skeptical of my stories not.
The secret place isn't really a secret, just a cave passed from one child to another, but if it is a portal and the drawings do depict what lies on the other side, maybe someone else also made it through in the past. Which means they must have found a way to open the door. Now to find that way.
Chapter 7
"Kairi, you've been so well behaved lately," Mary comments, wheeling my lunch in. I don't answer, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. Too many thoughts are running through my head about the memories from the hypnosis. The only reason I've been so well behaved is because I've been quiet. I've been quiet because I've been tired lately, and I've been tired because I haven't been able to sleep, fearful of reliving the memories in nightmares as I used to when I first returned. Already, every time I've drifted off, I wake up gasping for breath and crying.
Mary uncovers the tray as she ignores my lack of response, cutting my meatloaf into small bits as if I were a child. She seems different as well, happier. Almost smug to see me not causing trouble. I think she believes my change is because of her. So big headed and dimwitted.
Abandoning the food, she comes to my bed and dugs on my sleeves, hauling me into a sitting position and leads me to the table. I don't make it hard on her, though I don't make it any easier. After a little dragging, I am seated, staring at the food as if I have forgotten to eat.
"Now this time, honey, try to eat something like a good girl, okay?" Mary tells me. "I am so proud of you, giving up your bad behavior. If only you would stop starving yourself." Great. I've actually done something Mary is proud of. That can't be a good thing.
Giving a little sigh as she stands at the door for a moment behind me, she says, "After you eat, you can go to the common room for a little while. Doesn't that sound fun?" Fun, right. Fun is playing on a beach in the sun with friends, building a raft and dreaming of adventure. Fun isn't watching other patients go about in their strange ways as someone annoys you to death with offers of things to do that only a preschooler would enjoy. When I don't say anything, she sighs again and walks out.
As soon as she is gone, I go the bathroom, scraping the meatloaf into the toilet. It has started to occur to me that they may be sneaking medications into anything processed, especially since they've given up trying every day to administer the medicine to me, only coming once or twice a week now. I need my head clear to think, not clouded up by drugs.
Settling on the bed with the apple and the carrots that are left, I eat, ignoring the gnawing in my stomach for something more filling that fruits and vegetables. It isn't too often I get meat that doesn't seem tainted or a boiled egg, not scrambled since there is a chance they can drug that as well.
Suspicious of even food now, Kairi, a little voice in my head says. First it was your parents, then your friends, then now a piece of meatloaf. You really are losing it. I sigh, agreeing the voice. But my suspicion of my parents was right. I just suspected the wrong thing. I never thought they would betray me like the day they had my suitcase packed, saying we were going on vacation and instead some men came and grabbed me, dragging me to this hell hole. Why didn't I see something wrong when I noticed they weren't packing as well?
My stomach aches from the little food I've been eating, a dull pain that almost echoes the one from when my heart was taken. I don't want to be reminded, but at the same time, I need the pain to remind me. I don't want to forget that it was all real, that it really did happen.
What is real? I question to myself. Maybe I'm not really in Cypress Grove Institution. Maybe I'm still dreaming, trapped in Sora? Maybe I dreamed that I've been saved and Sora still fights? Maybe I dreamed everything up including this. I'm just lying in my own bed, and Sora and Riku will be fighting with each other as usual. I can just wake up now and forget everything.
So many questions, so many maybes. For all I know, maybe I'm not Kairi at all, just some girl in a very intricate dream, or just a character in a story. Who am I?
I shake my head, pinching my arm to show it's all real. I can't be doing this. I already have everyone doubting me, I can't doubt myself. "I am Kairi," I reassure myself, whispering. "A princess of heart from Hollow Bastion. One of my best friends wields the legendary Keyblade while the other has been seduced to the dark side and now is trapped beyond the doors of Kingdom Hearts."
I feel silly, talking to myself, but I have to hear the words, to know that it isn't just in my mind, to know it's true. I can trust myself, right? If I can't trust anyone else, then I only have myself to know what is true.
This is confusing, thinking in circles. Do I trust myself or do I not? Am I insane? Is everything real? Staring at the apple in my hand with its one bite, I sigh. I don't know. I don't know anything. My mind is a jumble. I do belong here after all.
Knocks on my door sound as I look up. Damn, it's Mary again with her sickeningly happy smile. At least someone is happy. Why does she even bother knocking when she just comes in anyways? The door is locked. I can't open it myself anyways.
"Finished eating, sweetie?" she asks, clearing the tray. "Good girl. Now finish your apple or give it to me to throw away." She takes it before I can reply, throwing it onto the tray as she collected everything. "I'm so glad you liked your meatloaf. You cleaned your plate so well!" Little does she know what happened to it. She'll discover it in a few days anyways when the toilet clogs with my meals like last week and the plumber unearths old food in the drain again.
Balancing the tray on one hand, she steps aside, a bored looking volunteer walks in. Taking a look at the watch, the girl gives me the same fake smile everyone seems to have in this place and doesn't say a word.
"Lisa here will take you to the common room today, okay, Kairi?" Mary tells me, patting me on the head briefly. Giving a happy sigh as she sees that I don't seem to be in any hurry to make trouble, she adds before leaving, "Such a good girl. Maybe we can talk to Dr. Mason about clothing privileges for you. How does that sound?" Clothing privileges would be great. I'd do anything to get out of these drab greenish hospital clothes. Humming to herself merrily, she leaves.
"So you're Kairi," the volunteer says. She's a real genius, I think but just nod. "Come on kid. Let's go now." It doesn't surprise me at how she treats me. All of the staff here don't care for the patients, so why should I get special treatment?
Instead of trying to tempt me with play dough or watercolors when we get to the common room, Lisa abandons me to sit by the wall with some other volunteers also slacking off from their "Buddy" responsibilities, leaving their charges to just make a mess. Rolling my eyes as she takes out a magazine instead of at least watching for trouble, I go to an empty table and sit.
Painting in a sketch of a paopu fruit absently, I look up with a sigh. It seems as if I'm the only one in the room who knows what I'm doing. A man with scraggly blond hair is talking the wall, yelling repeated at it. A boy a few years younger than me tosses a scrap of paper into the air and watches it float down before throwing it up again. A girl my age paints her arms and clothes with the watercolors before an attendant takes it away from her and leaves her screaming and throwing objects.
Each of the dozen other patients takes no notice of one another, lost in their own world. I shudder to think how lonely that would be. Then again, they wouldn't be able to know how others treat them. For a moment, I envy the truly insane, oblivious to life around them.
Blocking out the sounds in the background, I return to my picture, adding a shadow under the star shaped fruit and mixing the paints to create the right colors when a ball of play dough falls into the cup of water in front of me, spilling it across the table. Grabbing my painting up before it is ruined, I look up to find Anna standing behind me with a wide grin.
"So they do give you free time once in a while," she says, giving me a punch in the shoulder. "First time I've actually seen you out here." I smile a little, glad to see she is no longer mad at me for the incident a few days ago.
"Did you get into too much trouble for the escape?" I ask, curious. I'd been given a lecture by Mary that I had only listened half heartedly to and no desert for a week, though I hadn't really noticed, too busy lately thinking about my last session with Dr. mason.
"Lockdown for a couple of days," Anna answers with a shrug as if it was no big deal. "Just got out today." I wonder if she remembers I'm on a permanent lockdown, though she seems not to notice her mention of it. They think staying in your room was punishment? Then what did I ever do to have such a long term punishment?
I nod as if understanding, moving my chair over as she drags another one over and sits. She seems in a better mood than before, not so grumpy, though maybe that's because she hasn't been scrubbing urinals this time.
Reaching over, she snatches my picture out of my hand, turning away as she looked at it. "A paopu fruit, huh?" she says, pointing out eh obvious. "Legend of two people sharing one and their lives intertwining? Just a bunch of rubbish."
I don't like her looking at my picture, disliking it even more having it taken without my permission. My hand shoots out and grabs her arm, twisting her around as I take the paper back. Anna looks startled for a moment as I smooth the paper out.
"Wow, didn't know you were so possessive," she comments, but I don't see her mad. "Where'd you learn to be so quick?" I don't say anything for a moment, remembering all the times I'd watched Riku and Sora and picked up things on my own, including some fighting skills that even they don't know I have.
"A couple friends of mine taught me," I finally manage a bit colder than I mean to, not telling more than that. Luckily she seems to sense it and doesn't pry too much, taking a piece of paper herself and begins to draw something on her own.
For a moment, the only thing that can be heard between the two of us is me mopping up the spilled water and her pencil scratching out a crude sketches of people. It's not her fault reminding me, I think to myself. She didn't know.
Leaving the soaked paper towels in a pile on the table, I return to my seat, studying my drawing for a moment before remembering her reaction to hearing who my doctor was. Now it was my turn to ask some questions.
"Anna?" I ask, drawing her attention away from her picture. "About the other day, why were you so surprised when you heard I had Dr. Mason? Is something wrong with her?" Was it because she tries hypnosis on her patients or something else? From Anna's answer, it is the latter.
"Nothing," she says, suddenly paying a lot of attention to her picture. "It's just that I had her for a little while, but I don't like her very much, that's all." I wonder why. I didn't know it was possible to change doctors. Something must have happened that made it necessary.
She doesn't seem to want to continue the conversation, so I drop the subject. What do we talk about now? She seems nice. I wonder if I should tell her my story and see if she believes me, but I change my mind. I don't want to scare her away. She already thinks of me as completely normal, and I don't want her to leave. She's the only one I really feel like I can talk to.
After a slight silence, Anna speaks up. "You know," she says, looking up. "You've changed." I cringe at the words. Sora told me the same thing, and right after, our world did change. For a moment, I almost expect the room to be engulfed in shadows suddenly. Instead, nothing happens.
"What do you mean?" I ask, hoping she didn't notice my reaction. I wouldn't know how to explain if she did inquire about it. Luckily, she's looking at her paper again, oblivious to my action.
"Well, you seem quieter, more adjusted to this place. I'm a little worried." So that's what it is. But then again, this is the first time I've seen her since over a week ago. Is the difference that noticeable?
"You shouldn't just accept that you're here, Kairi," she continues. "Then you're going to lose all motivation to get out of here. Like…" Anna trails off. Like who? It seems to me that she's having a hard time saying it. "Like…another friend I had. No names mentioned. She accepted it and began going crazy for real until they moved her to a different hospital." She lost a friend to the crazy system. Is that why she seems so eager to be friends with me? To replace her best friend? How long as she been here to witness things so sad?
"Anyways," she said. "Just try to remember you're sane. Don't let them win and don't leave me here. If I don't have anyone to talk to, I might go crazy too." She's afraid. She isn't as fearless as I thought. But she as a reason.
Giving her a hug, I tell her, "Don't worry. It's just that Dr. Mason did some sort of hypnosis on me, brought back some things that I've been thinking about lately. But thanks. For a bit I've also been questioning my sanity." If only I can remember her words, maybe I have a chance.
A tap on my shoulder catches my attention as I turn around, seeing Lisa again. What, now she wants to do her job? When I'm already talking to someone? "Let's go Kairi, my shift is almost over." I sigh. Nope, she's just thinking of herself again. Oh well, maybe I've had enough company for one day. There are things I have to rethink.
"I'll remember," I promise Anna with a small smile. "You do the same. I need someone to keep me on the sane side." I manage to get a smile from her as well as I leave, neither of us bothering to say bye.
As soon as I am back in my room and Lisa leaves in a hurry, I stand in the bathroom, looking at the mirror. I've avoided it ever since I've arrived in this place, not wanting to see myself and make it seem even more real about where I am.
I want to believe all that Anna's told me, to hold on to it, but my reflection also shows a change. My hair is a bit longer, disheveled from lack of care. My face is a bit thinner, loss of baby fat and looking a bit more mature. Even my eyes seem duller. The same look all the patients seem to have, even a smudge in Anna's eyes. What is this place doing to me? To us? It's supposed to help the mental. But it also turns the sane insane.
"I have changed, Sora," I whisper to myself. "I am different. Outside and in." The old Kairi, the innocent one before everything happened, hides inside of me, scared of my surroundings. I want the old Kairi back, my old life. I have to make a reminder for myself.
Rummaging around my room, I come up with my pen. Where do I write it? I can't write it on myself, the ink would just wash off. And I can't write it somewhere it can be seen by others. After a moment, I return to my bedside, going on the floor on my stomach. Crawling underneath, I write in a large, messy scrawl, "I AM KAIRI." Kairi hidden under the bed, waiting to return. It seems right. I darken the lines, nearly engraving it into the wall. Taking one last look at the message, I know I'll look upon it at least once a day, as a reminder to who I am. There. Now let's see them take my identity away. Let's see if they can change me now.
Author's notes:
Hey! I'm finally finished with the 7th chapter! Yeah, I got preoccupied when I returned from my cruise and didn't get much done the week after, so sorry about that. I'll try to update more often, but I can't promise it. Well, I guess the story will hint of Sokairi just because it's in the game, and with Anna, no! They are just friends! It's not like that! No one better be thinking that! glares at everyone Sorry this chapter is a little less sad. I figured it would be overwhelming if every chapter was super depressing. And I just want to get some promises and thoughts in. Sort of a calm chapter, but that just means that maybe the next one will be a little more exciting.
Review replies: Yes, she will get out of there eventually. She does need to be back home by the time KH2 begins, so don't worry, she's not there permanently. Sora and Riku won't be rescuing her, but she'll find a way out in her own way. There are enough stories with her seeming weak, so I'm trying to show a stronger side of her.
OctoberBreeze- Awww…thanks for the e-mail! Really made my day when I came back a little depressed after my cruise. hugs
Ud the Imp- well, if there are two people there, then there are two responses:
Ed- Anna's story will come up more in later chapters. She's tough on the outside, but there are reasons why she's so hard and against Dr. Mason.
Ud- Naw, I was kidding about taking it as a flame. Don't worry.
Miaku-Astradah- well, I've always thought of the beach as sort of a separate smaller island off of the real Destiny Islands, reason there's a dock and everyone has boats. That might be why there aren't parents. As for how she got there, I decided to just say she was found on the beach and adopted. That way it would give her reasons for having parents around. Better?
SoulofaSparrow-catches waffles and eats them thanks I missed breakfast anyways!
Yeah, I'm in a better mood than normal today. Maybe it is just because I didn't make this chapter so depressing. Oh well, hopefully it will keep up till the next one. So come on, anyone want to finally flame me for anything? Typos, mistakes? It would really help me know what to fix for the next chapter. Glad people liked the Ansem stealing her heart part. I was a little nervous about that. Okay, gotta go now, bye!
p.s. ha, Eki! More emotions! Now you can't say I'm so monotonous anymore! :P