Shifting my position in the paopu tree, I stare out to the ocean as if hoping I can somehow spot a hint of any world or land beyond the vast blue waters. Still nothing. The waves go on and on. So the other worlds aren't out there. How do I start looking then? The door seems to have been sealed, but there has to be other ways.
"Don't think the raft was a good idea," I say to myself, recalling the weeks of labor it took to build it. From the looks of the size of the ocean, it would've taken us forever to reach any place. Still, I would paddle out into it and drift to the end of the world if it meant getting off my butt and looking for them. Too bad it had been destroyed in the storm.
"You would've hated that, wouldn't you, Riku?" I speak to no one. "All the work, well, all the work we made Sora do," I can't help laugh a little at that, tears sliding down my cheek as I shake my head. "All the work to find out it couldn't survive through a storm. Still, you got your wish, didn't you. You're not here anymore."
That's right. Not here, and neither is Sora. It might be selfish, but I wish that both of them didn't have to go. They left me here to deal with everything. "Sora, you lazy bum," I whisper, remembering how I was always calling him that. "Get off your butt and find him quickly," I plead. "Find Riku and both of you can come back to me."
My tears hit the water below, the ripples spreading to distort my reflection. For a moment, I think I see the two of them, smiling. I look away. They promised to take me, said I was going too. Then why am I still in this tree?
Something hard hits my shoulder and it takes me a moment to regain my balance. Looking around, something yellow catches my eye. A paopu fruit. The last one. Staring at it, I recall the old legend about it, how the souls of the ones who share the fruit are intertwined.
Leaning out of the tree, I pick it up, cradling the star shaped fruit in my hands. I stroke the single leaf on it, making a wish on it. It's like a fallen star, plummeting from the tree above. Though I know it is childish, I whisper a wish, a wish to be reunited with Sora and Rikku.
The fruit grows warm in my embrace as if accepting and acknowledging my desires. I wonder if there is more to the paopu than meets the eye. The legend repeats itself in my head. Slowly, I bring the star to my lips, taking a small bite salted with my tears. For a legendary fruit, it's sort of sour, the tartness settling on my tongue. Sweet juice runs down my chin and I wipe it.
Staring at the single bite on the fruit, I look into my reflection. There they are again, Sora and Riku's faces. I swear I can see them flashing in my eyes, inside of me. With a splash, the paopu falls into my hand and into their images, overwhelmed by the water around it. I just want to share the fruit with them, my best friends. I want our souls, our fates to come together forever. Then I won't be completely alone. No one ever said it could only bind two people together. I would never be able to choose between them anyways. This way, I hope I can be with them both.
In the clear water, the yellow fruit disappears, sinking to the bottom. It didn't work. I still sense an empty void in my heart. "Is it a sign?" I whisper. "The fruit vanishing. Is it my fate, my soul destined to drift to the bottom of the ocean alone, never to be with those I love? Does that mean they won't return?"
For a slight moment, I almost scoff the idea, seeing how foolish I was acting and that I should just go home. I'd probably end up with my fate intertwined with whatever fish came to nibble the fruit now lying at the bottom of the water. Ha, soul mate with a guppy.
No, I refuse to give up. I can't. If they can be strong, so can I. I'm not as helpless as they think. Wiping my bitter tears on the back of my hand, I can't help yelling. "I'll find you!" my voice carries out on the wind. "Riku! Sora! Don't leave me!" the words dissolve into nothing, carried away by the breeze. Breaking down, I sob, my face in my hands.
Footsteps approach as I turn around to the bridge. Wakka, Tidus, and Selphie stare back at me. I look away, not wanting them to see the anguish on my face. They're still my friends, but I haven't talked to them much since everything had happened. Selphie's the first to speak up, coming behind me and placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Kairi," she says, almost softly as if afraid of me. I pull away, but Tidus and Wakka appear behind me as well. "Kairi, are you okay?" Selphie asks again.
"Ya, we're a little worried about you," Wakka says, his face solemn.
"Especially if you're starting to talk to yourself-ow!" Tidus's comment was cut off as Selphie kicked him in the shin. Ignoring his hopping around, she pushes him aside.
"What he means is," she tries to fix his inconsiderate blunder, "We're here to help you. We know how hard you're taking this all. It was an accident and you couldn't do anything about it."
"Yes I could, and I still can," I say adding the second part softly. I can go on my own journey, be the one saving Sora and Riku instead of them saving me. I've watched them fighting and practiced my sword fighting that I'm as good as them, even though I've never actually shown them. It will be a surprise to them, and I'll get them back at the same time.
A tapping on my shoulder draws me out of my thoughts, Selphie, Tidus, and Wakka all staring at me. Pulling back, I twist around and jump out of the tree, heading for the bridge and looking determined. The cave. I'll find a way to get that damn door open. The three of them follow behind me, running to catch up.
"Kairi, listen to us!" Selphie demands. "You need to let them go!" That's what everyone tells me. I clench my teeth, tired of hearing those words so often.
"No!" I spin around and yell. "I don't want to! I'm never going to!" The startled look on her face as well as Wakka and Tidus's make me feel slightly guilty. I shouldn't be taking it out on them. Then the guilt fades. They might be my friends, but they're still like everyone else, not believing me. Before they can say a word, I turn around and dive off the bridge into the water.
Letting the cool blue liquid embrace me, I propel myself farther. Beyond the surface, I hear muffled shouts as the three of them call my name, running across the bridge and to the beach. I ignore them. I'm faster than them even if they run. Another little secret I don't tell many people, I'm a strong swimmer.
Shaking out my short red hair, I wade through the shallow water, running to the cave. Behind me, Tidus calls for me to wait. They've heard my stories, they know about my theories of the door. They know exactly where I'm headed.
"Let me go!" I scream as Wakka sprints and catches up, wrapping his arms around me. Damn him and his long legs. He holds me tight, pulling me to the ground as I sit there, crying and flailing. Tidus attempts to hold my legs and I kick him in the chest while Selphie strokes my hair and tries to calm me.
"Kairi, stop it," she pleads. "There's no door. We've checked ourselves!" She looks close to crying as I struggle, though my throes weaken as I tire.
"Come on, Kairi," Tidus says, nursing a couple of bruises as he gives up restraining me. "Aw, don't cry. It'll be okay."
Holding me closer, Wakka doesn't say a word as I finally end up sobbing into his shoulder, his clothes damp from my spontaneous swim and my tears. Tides and Selphie are holding me too now, their arms wrapped around me as I cry. I don't want them to let go, to leave.
"We promise…"
"We're always going to…"
"Be here for you."
I hope their promise is genuine. They're all that I have left right now. I want them always on my side. I don't want to let go. Then I'll be alone again.
Chapter 9
I am in Hollow Bastion, looking up at the floating castle. The clashing of swords ring in the air and hang there like the stones leading up to the castle. Sounds of a fight can be heard above.
Shivering as a mist from the water fall drifts over me, brushing my skin, I look around for a place to begin my climb. I don't know exactly why I want to be up there. I just do. Steadying myself, I lunge for the first rock, pulling myself up to the platform.
One by one, I slowly make my way up, determined to reach the goal of my unknown motivation. My arms tire and I want to stop and rest, but something forces me to go on. Brushing dark red strands out of my eyes as I wipe the beads of sweat on my forehead, I continue until I collapse on the highest platform. Breathless from the effort, I look down.
The height is amazing, everything below looking like crystals. For a moment, I swear I see the ghost shapes of three figures leaping easily from one rock to another and coming my way.
"Sora?" I ask in confusion, catching sight of spiky brown hair, but the phantom doesn't answer, only disappear as it and the other two shapes run onto a platform. I follow and find the platform a lift, falling on my behind as it suddenly jerks, moving up to the castle in the distance.
"Is that where I'm from?" I say out loud. My voice echoes in the air unanswered. The lift slowly approaches the object of my attention, fight sounds drawing closer. I can hear voices now amidst the clashing.
Soon, the lift bumps to a stop. I stand up tentatively, feeling the pull toward the door in the distance again. The area looks empty, the only sound coming from within the castle. The rhythmic sounds of my feet echo as I run to the door. Reaching for it, I pass right through it like a phantom. Suddenly, I'm standing in a great hall, a battle in the middle of it. I forget my confusion of walking through the door when I see who it is.
" Sora! Riku!" I yell, my heart jumping for joy. But my happiness falls when I see they're fighting each other, and not their usual sparring. The two of them don't seem to here me, their brows furrowed in concentration as they slash at each other. I can't take this anymore. One of them is going to get hurt.
"Stop it, both of you!" I plead, a tear in my eye. I've never seen them so angry. They seem serious. "You two are best friends! Quit it!" Without thinking, I run between them when there is a chance.
"Riku, Sora," I try again. They still don't seem to here me, don't even see me. Before I can react, both of them rush at each other, me in between. Their blades crash above me as I cover my head with my arms. Then both weapons move down, slashing through my body. I feel a cold pain rush through me, but at the same time nothing as I fall to the ground. They still don't take any notice of me. Slowly, the scene fades to black as I whisper their names.
"Sora! Riku!" I cry, sitting up in my bed. There is no battle anymore. No clashing swords. Only the faint hum of the florescent lights above my bed. Trembling a bit, I pull my sheet up, holding it close for comfort. What had that dream meant? They both never fight each other, or at least not seriously. Only sparring. I only vaguely remember it, watching the scene through Sora's eyes, though closer to the keyhole and my real body, my mind had felt torn between my heart and my body. I know Rikku was possessed by Ansem, but there was a flash in his eyes that was truly him, as if he believed fighting Sora was the right thing. The same flash was in Sora's eyes.
Fighting. Had they been fighting for me? And I was the one who ended up hurt. But they didn't see it. It's like now. They can't see how much the conflicts between them hurt me, and even though they were both fighting to save me, I was left barely hanging on to them.
Leaving the warmth of my bed, I look out my door through the plexiglass, squinting. The clock across the hall is barely visible, but I eventually make out the time. 2:36. Thirty seven now. Sighing, I sit back on my bed, leaning against the wall. I have a feeling I won't be getting much more sleep.
Closing my eyes, a faint pain lingers in my head as I try to recall what I've been doing this week. There have been blank periods occasionally, short but confusing. All I know is that I've had at least a couple more sessions with Dr. Mason. Another one this afternoon, or yesterday I should say, as well. For some odd reason, I can't remember exactly what we talk about, though she continues to tell me my treatment is going well. I walk in, and about half an hour later I leave.
The cold water I splash on my face in the bathroom draws the little sleep I have left away. Absently, I dab a towel at my shirt front, damp with water. The coolness helps a little, keeping me awake. Padding back into my room, I grab my notebook and collapse on my bed, flipping through it. I plan to write down my dream, but instead, I pause and skim through it. For some reason, it looks like someone else held the pen, putting other thoughts into it.
"What's going on?" I whisper. Lately, things have been blurring. At least that nurse Mary seems happier. I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling less energetic, sluggish. When I ask if what I'm feeling is normal, the doctors just nod and say it is. They don't tell me why though. Why is that?
A drawing catches my eye, a little sketch in the corner of a page. Some little black creature, yellow eyes scratched in with a marker. I can't remember ever drawing it. Still, something about it bothers me. It is the same feeling when I think about my dream. I'm not sure where Hollow Bastion is or how I know the name. Sighing, I curl into a ball and close my eyes, hugging the notebook to my chest as if somehow I can absorb the information and remember why I wrote that.
I frown at the thought of what happened. How am I forgetting things? I want to forget, but the same time I don't want to let go of…whatever is fleeing my memories. Quickly, I begin to record my dream, remembering the names specifically. Who was Ansem again anyways? Shaking my head to clear it of the question, I finish writing then flip to the beginning of the notebook. Same handwriting, curved, perfectly neat script that the boys used to tease me about writing.
Dropping it, I rest my head in my arms against my pulled up knees, closing my eyes. Everything seems to be so confusing lately. Thinking back as far as I can to a clear moment, I remember Dr. Mason's face. Her office. It all started there about a week ago. What have we been doing in there? Is she sucking out my memories or something? Scoffing at the idea, I almost laugh at starting to believe some implausible science fiction thing. All those things aren't real. Then why did I think Riku was possessed?
Riku and Sora, why haven't they visited me? I can't recall exactly why I'm in this place, but I'd figure at least one of them would have come by. I worry about how they are, remembering the dream. It seemed so real, their anger genuine and the tension between them almost tangible. I long to see them, to see it isn't true.
They don't like me anymore. That has to be it, the reason I can't recall seeing them for the longest time. They must hate me for being crazy. I don't blame them. Returning to the bathroom, I pull the thin black handkerchief I have hanging on the mirror because I can't stand to see my reflection, miserable without a hint of who I was before. This time, though, I want to gaze upon it and see exactly what they can't stand of me.
It's not hard to see how my friends would turn away. It looks more like a ghost staring back at me, hollow. Is that what I really look like to everybody? No wonder I'm here. If I look like that and with the stories I've been claiming, of course I'd be labeled as insane. Still, if I look closely, I see the shadow of old Kairi, hiding in the mirror. Without thinking, I bash my fists into it, glass biting into my flesh as I try to free my old self from its prison.
The pain jolts me back into the real world, my fractured expression scared and confused. What am I doing? I really must be losing my mind. Slowly, I retract my arm, glancing as drops of blood fall to the floor, crimson flowers blossoming where they splatter. In a way, I welcome the pain, reminding me I'm in the real world, though it is numb, as if I'm feeling it through another person's body. Turning my arms over, a large shard protrudes from one wrist, cutting through the artery. The other wrist is spiked with smaller fragments. Both wounds bleed profusely.
Sinking to my knees at the sight of it, I can already here shouts outside my room, attendants on the graveyard shift rushing to find the source of the crash. Looking up, I see a small dot where the mirror used to be. A bug. So someone is coming, alerted instantly at the sound.
It is amazing how much blood is in my body, pooling onto the floor around me. My head starts to spin a little, and I move to slowly pull out the shards. Each one sends sharp pains through my arm, my hand shaking. Besides me lies a blood soaked towel, and I hesitate moving toward it to bound my wrists. Maybe I should just let it flow. Maybe this is the best solution. I wouldn't have the guts to do this again if I ever decide I want to end the misery. No one would care anyways, seeing as they left me here to die in the first place.
Shaking now as nausea sets in while I grit my teeth and yank out another shard, A face comes into my mind. No, two faces. Sora and Riku. They might hate me, but I want to see them one more time. I can't die right now. I want to apologize and hope they forgive me for being crazy.
"Kairi?" a voice calls from outside. "Is everything fine in there?" I can't open my mouth to answer, staring at the puddle redness as a coldness runs through my body. No, I don't want to die. This was an accident anyways. I didn't mean it.
The sound of keys fumbling in the lock sounds far away, as if the person can't remember which one is which. More voices are heard, frantic ones now, but they seem to be fading as well. No, I have to stay awake, just a little longer. I need the help, but I can't make myself stand. My legs feel like gelatin and black flashes dance in my vision.
Whimpering as I fight to keep control, the door finally opens, banging into the wall as it hits hard. Large hands grasp my shoulder from behind, attendants gasping and hurrying about frantically. My face pale, I waver a bit, feeling the room tilt. Is this how it ends?
"Come on kid, you're going to be okay," someone says, but the voices are a blur by now. Something stings, a towel maybe, as it touches my arm. Someone swears.
"This kid's really messed up," a voice says. "They should have assigned more people to watch her."
No I'm not, I want to say. It was an accident. I didn't know what I was doing. I never meant to cut myself. The mirror wasn't a very good one in the first place. Still, my voice has disappeared, just a barely audible whisper as I try to explain myself.
Slumping backwards into someone's lap, I catch my reflection in a large, blood stained shard on the floor. Miserable. Somewhere in the depths of it, I see faces again, but not mine. My vision is wavering while someone wipes my forehead with a cold towel, and I make out who is in the mirror. Slowly, everything darkens and I wonder if this is death. The sounds fade too until I can just hear my own voice, whispering the names of who I saw. The names echo in my head as I pass out, my call never being answered. "Sora," my voice breaks for a moment. "Riku." Then I'm alone in the dark again.
Author's notes: okay, yeah, writers block and everything. I know this chapter's probably confusing and doesn't really flow very well, but I was sort of feeling guilty for being such a slacker at updating and had to put something. Let's see, things to keep in mind, ECT can cause some memory lost and confusion. In Kairi's case, Dr. Mason is doing other things besides just the normal ECT (find out later!) which is causing her loads of confusion and distorting her thoughts and memories. So far, though, it seems like it's not doing much to help….darn Dr. Mason… No, Kairi's not going to die, she's too important! But as you can see, she really isn't taking to the treatments well. Erm, yeah. Sorry if this chapter really doesn't make sense. I was a little rushed and feeling bad, but at least I updated! Even if it isn't very good….
Review replies:
October Breeze= hehe, yeah, a little short term memory loss and confusion, she'd forget what had just happened. Sorry for confusing you!
Ud the Imp= Ed, okie, yeah, there are other things about Dr. Mason, it's hard to tell whether she's good or bad. Ud? Erm, lay off the caps lock? And thanks Mickey, yeah, I think he really did need that
Shady Fetish=oye, hehe, sorry about the creeping out part!
aliasfan= eh, yeah, trying to stay away from one month XD yay! Flames! Now I have a craving for barbeque for some reason, or maybe something flame broiled…heads to Burger King
Cold-Blade=returns from lunch break experience? Um….not sure. If I did, don't think I can remember
Chibi Trowa B= don't you ever get tired of calling me chit-chat!?
Eki= yeah, little kids are like that sometimes. And your darn question? I WAS THE ONE WHO MENTIONED THAT! It was just something I sort of discovered while skimming over the past chapters and it's sort of how you can adopt something and be all "Aw, it has your eyes!" sighs you're weird…
Kintora=Hope you had fun at camp! Mandatory Fun doesn't sound very fun…ECT is pretty much electroshock therapy. It's pretty interesting if you get the time to read up about it
Okie, that's all folks! At least, I think that's all the reviewers. If I missed something, then yeah, sorry! Feel free to e-mail me with questions or anything! The e-mail's on my profile page since they don't let me put it here so…yeah. Well, I'll try to update soon! XD
I really need to be less of a slacker…