Chapter Seven:
Beginnings
A week had passed since Pacey had 'checked' himself out of the hospital. Things were tense at home, but everyone was beginning to settle into a pattern. Life was achieving a rhythm. Pacey spent an hour every day talking with David. They had yet to discuss anything meaningful. David could sense that Pacey was still working towards trusting him.
Other than that hour, Pacey spent a lot of time with Gretchen and Joey, avoiding most others except for a few moments of weakness. He had met Jen, Andie and Jack and he liked them, but he knew that they weren't quite sure what to say to him. It was hard to meet people when they already knew everything about you.
Right now he was standing on the porch of the B&B waiting for Joey. Patience had never been his strong point though, so he was soon fidgeting. "Josephine, Josephine. Wherefore art thou, Josephine?" He called, rather loudly.
"You do know that wherefore means why, don't you Pace?" Joey asked, exiting the B&B with a grin on her face.
"But of course," Pacey said with a bow. "I was merely asking why you are Josephine because... I know how much you hate your full name." Joey gave him a look and Pacey sighed. "All right, so I was misquoting...but with full knowledge of that fact."
"You know, Shakespeare shouldn't be taken lightly Pace," Joey said, struggling to keep a straight face. "He was a great man."
Pacey placed the back of his hand on his forehead dramatically. "Oh woe is me, I knowingly misquoted Shakespeare. Shoot me now. I don't deserve to live."
"Idiot," Joey said, unable to hold back her laughter.
"I aim to please," Pacey said with a slight bow. "Want to go get a slushie?"
"It's the middle of the winter Pacey. It's too cold for slushies."
Pacey gasped. "Bite your tongue Josephine! Slushies are for all seasons. Besides, I haven't had one in about six years. I think I'm allowed to break the rules."
"Well in that case," Joey said, taking his arm. "Let's go."
"C'mon," Pacey said, pulling her towards the driveway. "I have the deathtrap."
"Your parents are letting you drive even without a license?" Joey asked in surprise.
"Letting is such a strong word," Pacey said with a cocky grin. "It implies that they have some knowledge of the fact that I've absconded with their vehicle. It's more like, what they don't know can't hurt me."
Joey laughed as she let herself be pulled to the beat-up old truck. "I guess that's as good a motto as any."
"You know it," Pacey said opening the door for her. Once she was settled into her seat he slammed the door behind her and went around to the other side of the truck. He climbed into the drivers seat and started the truck.
"So what have you been up to today?" Joey asked as they pulled out of the driveway.
"Oh, this and that," Pacey said in an offhand manner.
"Meaning?"
"Meaning I went to therapy. Meaning I sat and had a serious yet pointless discussion with my parents. Meaning I did my darnedest to start a fight with Dougie and he just wouldn't cooperate. You know, if anything, he's grown even more boring while I was away. He used to at least argue with me."
Joey laughed. "I'll argue with you Pace."
Pacey grinned. "I know you will Josephine. Why do you think I hang out with you so much?"
"And here I was thinking that it was my movie star beauty," Joey said, her tone suggesting that she didn't think her beauty was anywhere near movie star levels.
"Well, that goes without saying," Pacey said with a wink.
Joey just stuck her tongue out at him before changing the subject. "So how are things going with David? Do you like him?"
Pacey looked thoughtful for a minute, barely noticing as a song came on the radio.
Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me...
"I do like him," Pacey said. "But I just...I don't know if we're getting anywhere. He asks me questions that I just don't know how to answer."
"Like what?" Joey asked softly.
"Like if I'm happy to be home."
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
"You don't know if you're happy to be home?" Joey asked, trying to keep the surprise and hurt out of her voice.
"That's not what I meant," Pacey said. "I am happy to be home. Really. I just... Things are so different and at the same time unchanged. Sometimes being here hurts."
"What do you mean?" Joey asked gently.
Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze
Guilty roads to an endless love
There's no control
Are you with me now
Your every wish will be done
They tell me
Pacey stared straight ahead for a minute before beginning to speak softly. "Some things...they destroy everything. I look around and I can see...I can feel the way things should have been. And that's hard...because I know that even if that other life, the one I was supposed to have...even if it wasn't completely happy...I feel like... like at least I could have looked at the world and felt some hope...Some happiness... but because of what happened I don't. I can't. I look at the world and all I see is pain and anger and hatred. I can't believe in happily ever after anymore, Joey. Not when I don't even believe in tomorrow."
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
Joey bit her lip as her eyes filled with tears. She wanted so much to be able to say something to take away the pain that she could hear in his voice. That she could see written clearly on his face.
"If...If it helps at all Pace," she said softly. "I...I'm really glad that you're home... and I'm going to do everything I can... Anything I can think of... to help you believe in tomorrow again."
There's nowhere to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart' body and soul
How can it be you're asking me to feel the
things you never show
Pacey smiled softly at her. "Thank you Joey," he said, his voice husky. "I...I really appreciate that."
"No problem," Joey said.
You are missing in my heart
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
They drove in silence for a moment before the song on the radio pierced Pacey's consciousness. "What the hell is this shit anyway?" He asked, his voice disgusted.
"Backstreet boys," Joey said with a laugh.
"What the hell?" Pacey asked, feeling distinctly behind when it came to music...And as of that moment, glad that he was.
"Boy band," Joey said.
"Didn't anyone learn anything from New Kids on the Block?" Pacey asked in disbelief. Joey laughed again as Pacey hit the button to change the station. "Much better," Pacey said as Matchbox Twenty began to play. They sat in silence for the rest of the trip to town, just listening to the radio.
If I fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off.
and if I get too tired to make it
be my breath so I can walk
If I need some other love
give me more than I can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded
wait around I'll smile again
shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again
can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
get put back together
you're breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent
If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
could you paint me better off
could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot
I started out clean but I'm jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin
start bending me
It's never enough
I feel all your pieces
start bending me
Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in
shouldn't be so complicated
just touch me and then
just touch me again
LEERY'S FRESH FISH
"Hey Dawson," Jen said, dropping into the chair next to her friend. "What's up?"
"Not much," Dawson said with a sigh.
"Something got you down?" Jack asked, sitting down next to Jen.
Dawson sighed again. "It's just... My best friend is finally back after six years...and I don't even know how to talk to him. What to say. It comes so easily for Joey. They just clicked again. I... I feel like I've lost that connection."
Jen looked at Dawson sadly. "I'm sure it'll get better Dawson. You just need to give him time to get used to being home. You have to put yourself in his shoes. Life went on here without him. That must be hard to come to grips with."
"But why Joey? Why not me?"
"Dawson..."
Dawson sighed and then smiled. "Not to worry. I feel better now that I got that whining off my chest."
Jack and Jen laughed. "Hey, where's Andie anyway?" Jack asked.
"Right here," Andie said, dropping into the seat next to Dawson. "What's up?"
"Dawson's got the blues," Jen said.
"Ah," Andie said. "That I know. And I'm guessing that the reason why is coming in that door." The four of them looked up as Joey and Pacey entered the restaurant.
"I can't believe that not a single place in Capeside sells slushie's in the winter," Pacey said.
"I hate to say I told you so..." Joey said with a smirk. "But I told you so."
"Ha ha," Pacey said. "So, oh so intelligent one, is a milkshake an option?"
"Best ones in town," Dawson said. "Want to join us?"
Pacey looked uncertainly from the table to Joey. Joey smiled reassuringly at him and he nodded. "Yeah, we'd like that," he said softly. Joey took his hand as they approached the table and squeezed it gently. He smiled softly at her before pulling out her chair. She sat down and then he sat next to her. "So, how are you guys doing?" He asked.
"Okay," Dawson said. "You?"
"Fine," Pacey said. There was a tense silence.
"So," Jen said. "What are you two up to today?"
"Well, I was going to buy Joey a slushie," Pacey said. "But this town is totally devoid of class and doesn't have a single place where you can buy a slushie. I must say that I'm shocked at this obvious detriment to life in Capeside. What about you?"
"Oh, shocked," Joey said rolling her eyes. "What about you guys? What's going on?"
"Not much," Jen said.
"Actually Jo," Andie said, looking at Joey meaningfully. "Can Jack, Jen and I talk to you about something...in private?"
"Sure," Joey said slowly. She got to her feet, pausing to squeeze Pacey's hand reassuringly.
"That was subtle," Dawson said with a short laugh.
"What do you mean?" Pacey said, looking puzzled.
"Andie just knows that I've been wanting to talk to you," Dawson said sheepishly. He tensed at the wary look on Pacey's face. "I...I don't mean to back you into a corner. I just wanted to talk to my best friend."
The wary look grew into something akin to anger. "Dawson..." Pacey started.
A pained looked crossed Dawson's face. "I don't understand this, Pace. Why do you feel so uncomfortable around me? Why...Why do you look at me like you're angry with me?"
"Geez Dawson!" Pacey exclaimed. "I don't know!" He rubbed his forehead in frustration. "You act like you still know me...Like I'm still the kid I was six years ago. The sidekick to your hero. Well let me tell you something D. That kid is dead. You can't bring him back. I can't bring him back. He died six years ago, brutally, painfully, completely. So please, stop talking to me like you have any idea who the hell I am, 'cause you don't have the first damn clue!"
"Then why don't you tell me?" Dawson said. "I want to help you Pacey. I want to be your friend. I missed you."
Pacey closed his eyes. "You don't want to know about my demons Dawson... Frankly, I don't know that you could handle them. I certainly can't."
"Pacey..."
"You can't help me Dawson...I'm beginning to think that nothing can."
"Pacey..." Dawson said, trying again.
"Don't be so naive as to think that this story is going to have a 'happily ever after' kind of ending Dawson. There's no such thing."
"I..."
"I gotta go," Pacey said, jumping to his feet. He headed towards the door, but paused a few feet from the door and turned to Dawson. "I missed you too D," he said softly. And then he was gone.
"Pace?" Joey called, hurrying back to the table. She looked at Dawson questioningly. All he could do was shake his head, and motion that she should go after Pacey, which she did.
Jen, Jack and Andie returned to the table and sat down with Dawson, watching as he buried his face in his hands. Andie placed her hand on his arm and he looked up at them, his face tormented. "He's in so much pain. I didn't realize..."
"What did he say?" Jen asked softly.
"He said...he said that the boy I remember, my best friend, died six years ago, brutally, painfully, completely...And I'm scared to death that he's right."