Unzipping Lips, Sinking Ships

Summary: Ron's a gay ninja, Hermione's a drug dealer, Draco's pregnant, Hogwarts becomes a nudist colony, and Snape is…the school counselor? Is Harry the only normal one left in a world turned upside down?

Chapter 1

"Stupid girl…" Severus said as he graded the last of the essays. Clearly she had not been listening in class. "Well, what else can you expect from a Gryfinndor?" He muttered, annoyed. Then there was a loud knock at the door.

"Enter." Severus growled. He really wasn't in the mood for visitors.

Dumbledore strode in, a strange twinkled in that eye. "Severus? Is this a bad time?" He asked politely.

"No, not at all." He lied.

"Good." Dumbledore smiled. "Then I have a small request."

"What is it?" Severus sighed.

Dumbledore's smile grew. "As you know, the threat of Voldemort has been growing in the last year." Severus motioned for him to continue. "Well, some of the students have been having some problems." He paused.

"Go on."

"We thought it might be nice if they had someone to talk to."

"And that would be…?"

"Well," Dumbledore grinned, his eyes alight. "That would be you."

He froze. "What are you on about?"

"A school counselor, Severus. And I think you would be just perfect for the job."

"What?" he sputtered. Before he could stop himself, he cried, "Man, are you off your rocker?"

"No, I am not."

"But – no, I won't do it!" he yelled in protest. There was simply no way. Severus, a counselor? The man had lost his marbles!

"Yes you will." He replied flatly. "Otherwise, I believe your pay will be at stake."

"You're – You're –" But he couldn't even think of a word. "I can't believe this!"

"Believe it."

"But why?"

"I have my reasons." He smirked. "Now, students can hand in slips to their professors or to me to schedule a session. But that will take place after your training."

"Training?" Severus hissed.

"Yes, training, which will start now."

Severus banged his head on the desk.

"Okay." Dumbledore sat down. "Now, if a student has any violent problems, such as cutting, drugs, murder, et cetera, you will need to report them to me. Or just give them the old Memory Charm. Alright?"

He stared blankly at him.

"Right-o. Er…that's about it."

He was still staring.

"Er…are you okay?"

Severus didn't reply right away. "I'm not doing this. This is insane."

"Oh, you're doing it." Dumbledore said. He smiled and nodded sickly. "You're going to do it.

"You're a sick, sick man, Albus." He replied with a defeated tone.

"Hey." Dumbledore stuck a finger in his chest. "You try having Tom

Riddle as a student and staying normal. It's not a very yummy piece of cake."

Severus gaped at him and tried to forget that he had described anything as 'yummy'. "I hate you."

"Well, I hate you back." He replied. "Now get to work. Pin your hair back and get some square glasses. I'll send words to the professors."

"Yeah, you do that. I'm just going to go hang myself." Severus said sorely.

"Oh, can't it wait until after your first session?"

Severus sighed. "Fine. I'll do it. God knows this could be interesting."

"Splendid!" he cried, clapping his hands together. "I'm off now."

"Alrighty then."