Chapter Eight:
Small Steps

Joey hurried after Pacey, wondering where he was headed...and wondering exactly what had happened between Dawson and Pacey. She saw him enter the park and slowed as she saw him sit down on a bench. He looked so lost and alone, and Joey felt a pain in her heart so sudden and intense that it scared her. She would do anything to help him. Anything to lessen the pain that he was feeling...Anything to make him smile.

She was falling in love with Pacey Witter...Or was it more than that? She watched him as he watched the kids playing in the snow and made a quick decision. Whatever her feelings were, that didn't matter. He wasn't ready for anything more than what they were...And neither was she. Joey took a deep breath and pushed those feelings, whatever they might be, to the back of her mind. There were more important things to think about right now...Like how to wipe that solemn look off his face and get him laughing again.

Joey saw a smile cross Pacey's face as a little boy threw a snowball at a little girl and a memory returned to her. A mischievous smile crossed her face and she began to sneak up on Pacey.

Pacey sat down on a bench at the park. it had been a long time since he had been there. There was a coat of freshly fallen snow covering the hills and dips of the park. It was quickly being trampled by the footstep of small children...and not so small children.

Pacey watched as a little boy chased a little girl, a snowball poised for flight in his hand. He smiled as the boy loosed the snowball at the girl and he was soon transported back in time.

"Pacey, don't!" Joey screeched, running as fast as her legs could carry her. He was right behind her, with a snowball held ready and a mischievous grin on his face.

"Not unless you say it," he said, laughing. "C'mon Josephine! Say it!"

"I'd rather die," Joey screamed back over her shoulder.

"Well, if you say so," Pacey said, his smile widening.

"What do you mean?" Joey said surprised, turning just in time to get a face full of snow. "Argh!" She screamed in rage. "I'll get you for that Witter!"

Pacey came back to the present as a snowball smacked into the back of his head. He turned to face his attacker, a surprised look on his face. His eyes were drawn to a beautiful brunette who was holding another snowball ready, but was having a hard time aiming through her giggles.

"Why Josephine Potter!" Pacey exclaimed with a tsk. "I didn't think that you were the type to shoot an unarmed man in the back. Whatever possessed you?"

"The back of your head just made such a wonderful target," Joey said with a teasing grin. "Besides, don't think that I don't remember the last time we had a snowball fight in this park! I still owed you!"

Yeah
The sun is shinin' everyday
The clouds never get in the way for you and me
I've known you just a week or two
But baby I'm so into you
Can hardly breathe

Pacey laughed, and Joey felt her heart flutter in her chest. His smile made her knees weak and her chest tighten until it was hard to breath. "Well, I still think that it was a justified snowballing," he said. Pacey bent down and grabbed a handful of snow, patting it hastily into the form of a ball. "You do know what that means, don't you Josephine?"

Joey laughed, starting to back away. "Don't you dare Witter!"

"I dare," Pacey said, jumping over the bench with a laugh. Joey shrieked as she turned and ran.

And I'm in so totally
Wrapped up emotionally
Attracted so physically
Actin' so recklessly
I need you so desperately
Sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
I love you

"You can't escape me Potter!" Pacey exclaimed, hurling the snowball at her and hitting her square in the back. "I never miss remember?"

"What an ego Witter!" Joey exclaimed over her shoulder. She shrieked again as another snowball hit her. She turned and threw the snowball that she had been holding onto and missed his head by a foot. "Damn!" She muttered. She stooped to gather some more snow as she was hit by yet another snowball. "Maybe this wasn't the best idea," she muttered under her breath.

I never knew that I could feel like this
Can hardly wait till our first kiss
You're so cool
If I'm dreamin' please don't wake me up
'Cause baby I can't get enough
Of what you do

Pacey laughed, still advancing. "Now, now, Josephine. You shouldn't start things that you aren't prepared to finish!"

"Would you accept a truce?" Joey asked, still retreating.

"Only if you say it," Pacey said with a mischievous grin.

And I'm in so electrically
Charged up kinetically
Actin' erratically
Need you fanatically
You get to me magically
Sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you

Joey glared at him. "I wouldn't say it when I was ten and I certainly won't say it now."

"C'mon Joey," Pacey said, holding another snowball threateningly.

Joey grinned. "I'd rather die," she said with a wink.

"If you say so," Pacey said, tossing the snowball at her. She ducked and came up with a handful of snow which she threw in his general vicinity before taking off at a run, laughing. Pacey took off after her, a shout of laughter breaking from his throat. They ran through the park, bending over at random moments to grab handfuls of snow to toss at each other.

I can't believe that this is real
The way I feel
Baby I'm gone head over heels

Finally Pacey put on a burst of speed and caught Joey by the waist, throwing them both into the snow. They both burst into laughter as they struggled to disentangle. They finally managed to separate, and rolled over onto their backs, laughing breathlessly.

And I'm in so totally
Wrapped up emotionally
Attracted so physically
Actin' so recklessly
I need you so desperately
Sure as the sky is blue

When their breathing had calmed, they turned their heads towards each other. Pacey reached out his hand and brushed a stray strand of hair out of Joey's face. "I like being here with you, Jo," he said softly, his voice serious. "You make me happy to be alive."

Joey reached out her hand and touched Pacey's face gently. "You make me happy to be alive too, Pace," she said softly.

And I'm in so electrically
Charged up kinetically
Actin' erratically
Need you fanatically
You get to me magically
Sure as the sky is blue
Baby I love you
Baby I love you
Do you love me too
Baby I love you

They stared at each other silently for a moment, lost in each other's gaze. They moved closer to each other unconsciously, not even realizing that it was happening until their faces were inches apart.

It was a surprise to both of them when their lips first met, but at the same time it felt so right that neither pulled away. It was a cautious kiss, searching, but at the same time achingly tender.

They pulled back slowly and Joey could see uncertainty spread across Pacey's face. He scrambled quickly to his feet. "I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Pace..." Joey said slowly, getting to her feet. "There's..."

"I'm sorry," Pacey said again, looking down, his hands clenched tightly by his sides. "Can we just...I don't think..."

Joey reached out her hand and laid it gently on his arm so that he would look at her. When he did, he found that her eyes were shining with understanding. "It's okay Pacey. I...I understand. You're still getting used to being here. You feel pressure from every side. There is no pressure here, okay? We'll...We'll just forget about this for now, okay?"

Pacey nodded slowly, a sigh of relief breaking from his throat. "Thank you Joey." The friendship that he had with Joey meant so much to him. He didn't want to do anything to jeopardize it. The kiss...It was dangerous. There was nothing in the world that he wanted more than he wanted to kiss her again... And nothing in the world that he needed more than her friendship.

"I'm going to be here for you no matter what," Joey said. "Remember that."

Pacey smiled. "C'mon. I'll take you home."

"Okay," Joey said, smiling slightly. She held out her hand and Pacey only hesitated for a second before taking it. They smiled at each other and then walked out of the park, their minds alive with feelings that they weren't ready for.

Next Day
David's Office

"Hey Dr. D!" Pacey said, entering David's office and flopping down on the couch. "How's it hanging?"

"Um, well," David said, unable to keep a smile from crossing his face. "And you?"

"Not bad," Pacey said with a shrug.

"Do anything interesting yesterday?"

Pacey shrugged. "Snowball fight with Joey."

"Really? Who won?"

"Moi, of course," Pacey said with a cocky grin.

"Ah," David said. "So what happened after the snowball fight." He became more attentive as Pacey's expression changed.

"Nothing," Pacey said, his expression dark.

"Really?" David said. "Are you sure that you don't want to talk about this nothing?"

"Naw," Pacey said, shaking his head. "Let's move on."

"Sure," David said. "What do you want to talk about?" Pacey shrugged. "How's everything going with your parents?"

Pacey's expression became even more dark and he shrugged again. "They're trying," he said softly.

"And you?" David said. "Are you trying?"

Pacey sighed. "I'm trying."

"Trying to try?"

Pacey laughed shortly. "Yeah. Trying to try."

"What's getting in your way Pacey?"

Pacey was silent for a minute, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Six years," he said softly. "Six years with a manipulative, psycho bitch. That's what's getting in my way."

"How is she getting in your way? Things she did? Things she said?"

"Both," Pacey said slowly. "There are so many things, I wouldn't even know where to start."

"Why don't you start with whatever comes to your mind first. What is the thing she did or told you that sticks out the most in your mind?"

"She..." Pacey stopped his face uncertain. His voice dropped. "She...she told me lots of things. Things to make me distrust my parents...She...she tried to make me think that my parents didn't want me anymore."

There was something so young about Pacey's voice that David felt again the pain of what the boy had been through.

"She told me that they could have gotten me back if they truly wanted. That she offered...and they said to keep me."

"What?" David exclaimed before he could stop himself. He inwardly cursed himself as a look of uncertainty crossed Pacey's face and the walls started to go up again.

"Look, I don't know," Pacey said. "I...I tried not to believe anything that Mama told me...but after a while...those truths were hard to hold onto. Do you understand?"

"Explain it to me," David said.

Pacey sighed. "I knew that my parents loved me. They may not have said it often...but I knew. I tried so hard to hold onto that, no matter what she said. She told me that if my parents had truly wanted me back they would have paid a ransom. That she offered but they told her to keep me...Even though it wasn't true, it shook my grasp."

David could hear the uncertainty in Pacey voice and knew that it had done more than shake his grasp. It had left him questioning everything. As much as he wanted to believe in his parents, deep down he wasn't sure if he could. He took a deep breath and decided to take a chance. "Pacey, you might know all this already, but bear with me okay? I just want to make sure that everything is clear." Pacey nodded. "Soon after your kidnapping, your parents received a call from Mama Sal, though they didn't know it was her at the time. They were told that you had been taken to hurt your father. For revenge against him for something that he had done. There was no offer for ransom, only a promise that when she was done you would hate your father as much as she did. That was her goal, Pacey. To make you doubt. To make you hate. To hurt your father."

Pacey looked down as if absorbing that information. Trying to accept it. Trying to believe it.

"It's okay if you don't believe that right away Pacey. No one's expecting you to rebound like nothing ever happened. I can't even begin to imagine what was done to you during those years, but I do know that it was painful. No one expects you to ignore that pain. We just want to help you work through it." Pacey nodded again. David looked at him for a moment and then looked down at his watch. "Your time's just about up. Do you want to leave early?"

Pacey nodded, getting to his feet. "See you tomorrow, Doc," he said softly.

"Bye Pacey," David said. He watched Pacey go and then picked up the phone. It was time to have a family session. Pacey needed to talk this out with his parents. David could reassure him until he was blue in the face, but Pacey wouldn't believe it until he heard it from his parents.

OUTSIDE

"Hey Witter!" Joey called.

Pacey turned, a smile lighting his face at the sight of her. "Hey Jo. What're you doing?"

"Had to run some errands for the B&B," Joey said holding up some shopping bags. "Want to walk me home?"

"I'd love to," Pacey said. "Here, let me," he said, taking the bags for her.

"You don't have to..." Joey started, but stopped as he gave her a look.

"Hey, I'm doing the gentlemanly thing here. Let me work my magic."

Joey laughed. "Work on," she said. "So what were you doing here?" She asked.

Pacey's face darkened. "Therapy," he said softly.

"Oh," Joey said. They walked in silence for a few minutes. "Did it help?"

Pacey sighed. "Honestly? I don't know. He asks me things, I talk, but...I just don't know if we get anywhere. I always feel like I end up right back where I started..."

"And where's that?" Joey asked.

"A dark, dank hole in the ground," Pacey said softly, his eyes taking on a faraway look. "With no hope, no peace... no life."

"Pacey..." Joey started.

"A little depressing, huh?" Pacey said. "Sorry to be such a downer..."

"That isn't what I was going to say," Joey said softly. "I want you to talk to me...if you want to. I just don't always know what to say..."

"You don't have to say anything," Pacey said. "Just listening is enough." They walked silently for a while longer. It wasn't long before they were walking up the steps to Joey's house. They carried the stuff into the house and then went back outside, sitting down on the steps.

They sat quietly for a moment before Pacey spoke. "You're worried about me aren't you?" He said softly. "About what I said?"

Joey sighed. "I...It just sounds like you're giving up on life, and that...that scares me Pacey. I...I get scared thinking about what you might do."

"What? You're worried that I'm going to kill myself, Jo? Is that it?"

"No," Joey said quickly. "It's just..." She sighed, deciding to be truthful. "Sometimes."

Pacey got to his feet. "Pace," Joey said, placing her hand on his arm as she followed him to a standing position.

"No," Pacey said softly, his face carefully held neutral.

"Pace," Joey said, her voice desperate.

"No," Pacey said, shaking her hand off of his arm and moving away from her. He winked before climbing onto the railing of the porch.

"What are you doing?" Joey asked, completely confused.

"I'm gonna jump Jo," Pacey said dramatically. "And there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

Joey struggled to keep a straight face. This was too serious of a subject for him to be joking. "You're three feet off the ground Pacey."

Pacey looked down. "I don't know, Jo. It looks like quite the drop to me. I could seriously stub my toe!"

A snort of laughter broke from Joey. "Aha!" Pacey exclaimed. "The lady is amused!" He jumped back down to the landing and took Joey's hand in his. He waited for her to look at him and then said earnestly, "Don't worry so much Potter. Yes I have a lot of shit to work through. And yes sometimes I get depressed. But I would never kill myself. I have too much to live for."

A lopsided smile spread across Joey's face. "That's right, you do."

Pacey smiled at her. "I know you want to save me Jo, but you can't. Only I can do that. All you can do is make me want to save myself, and you do."

Joey grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I'm glad Pace."

Pacey smiled at her. "You know what? I've been thinking..."

"Whoa, alert the media!" Joey joked.

"Smart ass," Pacey said, elbowing her in the side. "As I was saying, I was thinking that maybe..." His voice became uncertain and he looked down. "Do...Do you think that Dawson would be up for a movie night?"

A slow smile spread across Joey's face. "I think he'd love that."

"Yeah?" Pacey said, his voice hopeful.

"Yeah," Joey said. "Let me call him."

"Okay," Pacey said. He watched as she went into the house to call Dawson and then turned and looked out at the creek. No matter what he had said to Dawson and the others, he missed his friendship with Dawson a lot. So much so that it scared him to try and get it back. What if it just wasn't possible?

Pacey smiled as Joey rejoined him. At least he had Joey. And for the moment, that was all that mattered.