Chapter 2

Harry looked around at his friends. Ron was attempting to dye his hair pink and Hermione was rolling some joints for a first year. He thought about Sirius.

If only Sirius was here, he thought, he would love one of those joints.

"Hermione, did you borrow my Michael Jackson record?" Ron asked. He tapped his head and his hair turned yellow with green polka dots. He frowned.

"Um…no." Hermione looked at him skeptically.

"What about my Rod Stewart? Where did that disappear to?"

"I dunno. Maybe you accidentally stuck it in one of those hats we were making last night."

"You're still making hats for those elves?" Harry asked.

"Yes." Ron said, grinning. "I made a lovely pink and yellow one last night."

"No orange?" Harry asked, trying not to grin.

"Harry!" gasped Ron. "I'm surprised at you! You know pink and orange totally don't match."

"Right." Harry thought. A groan came from under the table. Harry's brow furrowed. "Ron…"

"What? I couldn't just leave him up there all alone while we went to class." Ron said, looking innocent. Kaozi crawled out from under the table, moaning. He was dressed in his black ninja outfit. A samurai sword hung on his cloth belt. Kaozi was Ron's sparring partner…and love slave.

"Ron, you can't keep him." Hermione said. She was now filling needles with heroin. She flicked the needle. A table of fourth years nearby drooled.

"Why not?"

"He's draining my supply."

"Oh, come on!"

"You act like I have an unlimited amount, but I don't." she told him.

"Well what else are the greenhouses for, then?"

"Ron…"

"He can't help it! He has an addition, so what?" Ron said. Kaozi licked his ear loyally. "Oh, thank you Kaozi!" He giggled.

"My name is Herpes." Kaozi said in a monotone.

Hermione and Harry chuckled.

"Er…it's the only English he knows." Ron blushed.

"My name is Herpes." Kaozi motioned for the heroin.

"No, it's mine! Get your own!" Hermione cried, yanking the needle away.

"My name is Herpes!" Kaozi cried. He jumped on the table and automatically went into stance. He would have attacked Hermione, but his foot was stuck in a bowl of cornflakes. An owl nibbled on his ankle.

"MY NAME IS HERPES!" he screamed in pain. He got his foot out of the bowl, tripped on the owl, and toppled onto Hermione. The heroine needle found its way into her neck.

"My name is Herpes!" Kaozi squealed. He watched as the heroin drained into Hermione's veins, then burst into tears. Ron patted him on the back.

"It's okay, Kaozi, there will be more." He said comfortingly.

"My name is Herpes?" he asked naively, confirming it.

"Yes, of course." Ron soothed. "Isn't he cute?" He whispered proudly to Harry.

Harry, who had been watching all of this, merely nodded.

Just then, McGonagall stood up at her seat and began to address the Hall. "Attention students! We have a new school counselor. To schedule your session, turn a slip to any professor with your name, house, year, and reason for a session. Professors may also refer students to the counselor. If the counselor sees that there is a reason for further counseling, it shall be without question."

"Who's the new counselor?" A Hufflepuff yelled.

"Professor Severus Snape." McGonagall said with a bit of a smile. Whispers went around the hall.

"My name is Herpes." Kaozi said in utter shock.

"I agree." Ron said, rubbing Kaozi's back. "I agree."