Chapter 3

Transfiguration was first. Ron, Hermione, and Harry settled themselves into their seats and waited for Professor McGonagall to come. Kaozi hid under the table obediently.

When he went to go scavenge some old Bertie Botts, Harry noticed Ron was talking to his pocket and giggling. He leaned over.

"Ron, I thought you had gotten rid of that thing." Harry whispered. Ron jumped.

"W-what? I don't know what you are talking about, Harry." He sputtered.

"You know, in your pocket – "

But he didn't need to finish his sentence. The little figurine hopped out of his pocket. It was Viktor Krum, and was talking in the real Viktor's voice.

"Oh, you idiot, look vhat you've done now! You've gone and exposed me!" he shouted. Though he was only about four inches tall, his voice was surprisingly loud. The class went quiet and Kaozi's shuffles stopped.

"Shut up! Get back in my pocket!"

"No! I don't vant to! It's hot in there!" He protested. He jumped on Ron's index finger, which caused Ron to howl with pain. Laughter flooded the classroom, but died as Kaozi approached Ron, standing his full height. He had a menacing glint in his eye that worried everyone. Ron gulped.

"My name is Herpes?" He asked sharply, which probably meant something along the lines of, 'Am I seeing what I think I am seeing?'

"Kaozi, just get back under the desk so you don't have to go up to the tower."

He crossed his arms over his chest. "My name is Herpes." Which sounded like, 'I'm not leaving until you tell me the truth.'

"You don't understand."

"My name is Herpes? My name is Herpes? My name is Herpes?" He said quietly as he bent close to Ron's face, and they guessed that it meant, 'Are you cheating on me, Ronald Weasley? After all we've done for each other? After all we did in bed?'

"Kaozi, it's not like that."

"My name is Herpes. My name is Herpes." He said with a finality that everyone recognized, and they thought it to mean, 'I know how it is. I'm getting us couple's counseling.'

He put Ron in a headlock until he could sign a slip. He then placed it on Professor McGongall's desk and took a seat.

Professor Snape unnecessarily shuffled papers as he prepared for his first client. The square glasses Dumbledore had recommended were making him fuss. He took them off and threw them out the window.

"There, that's better." He muttered.

A knock came to the door. "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Which was Snape-language for 'Come in'. They entered cautiously.

"Professor Snape? We're not late, are we?" Weasley asked.

Oh God, Snape thought. He's wearing pink robes today. Pink. And who's that Chinese boy?

"Sit down." Snape said wearily. He wanted to add, 'before I Avada Kedavra you', but he decided against it. They sat facing him, both looking grave. Then there was an uprising in the front of Ron's robes. Snape turned red and tried to look away, but found he could not. Then the robes popped open and Snape cried out in horror.

But it was not what he had thought at all. A tiny statue of Viktor Krum jumped out and onto the desk. "I vant to be included it this." It said.

"Erm…alright…" Snape said. "Let's begin…I guess. The slip you signed said 'Relationship Problems'. Details, please, Weasley."

"My name is Herpes (My name is Herpes!). My name is Herpes. My name is Herpes. My name is Herpes! My name is Herpes, My name is Herpes! MY NAME IS HERPES!" The Chinese boy yelled. They all stared at him.

"Vhat he's trying to say is, 'I am Kaozi and I ran away from Japan, where I was being forced to marry a woman (ewww!). Ron took me in. He fed me and clothed me. Then he made sweet love to me on a bed of roses! And now, after all that, he cheats on me with his tiny statue from Bulgaria! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!'" The statue translated.

"Er…okay. Right then. Well, not that I really care, but how do you feel about this, Little Statue Person?" Snape asked sardonically.

"My name is Viktor. I feel like a victim in all this. I feel like Ronald took me for granted, and now I am the 'other voman'. I am very mad at Ronald right now." He glared at Weasley.

"Right. Your turn, Weasley." Snape felt a smile pulling at his lips, but ignored it.

"Well, I feel absolutely horrible about my actions towards Kaozi and Viktor. I'm so sorry! I just want us all to get along!" He flung himself in Snape's arms, sobbing. He used Snape's robes as a tissue. Snape tried to ignore the fact that his wand was sitting very nicely in his back pocket, and with one spell Weasley could be wiped off the face of this earth. As he knew he could never really fulfill that daydream, he began to sniff a little himself.

Weasley finally composed himself. He went back to his seat, red faced.

"Do you want to hear what I think?"

They all nodded.

"I think you should all just go be gay together." Snape was being drastically sarcastic, but they did not understand that. He shuddered when he saw them all begin to grin.

"Oh, I'm so glad this is finally solved!" Ron cried, applying lipstick. They left, holding hands and humming a song from The Sound of Music.

Back in his office, Snape began to shudder convulsively.