Bent Chapter Ten, a dawson's creek fanfic

Chapter Ten:
Honestly Okay?

Joey walked out the front door of the B&B and stopped short. Her face took on a look of tenderness and heartache as she looked down at the sleeping form resting on her steps. She took a step closer, her heart hurting at the boyish look of his face. He looked so peaceful. Nothing like the tortured young man that she was growing to love. More like the young man he might have been, if everything had gone differently.

She walked forward slowly and sat down on the steps next to him. She watched him for a minute before reaching out her hand and brushing the hair off his forehead. "Pace?" She said softly.

He woke slowly, his eyelids fluttering sleepily, but when he realized where he was he shot into a sitting position. He glanced at her, embarrassed. "Sorry," he muttered, rubbing his eyes.

"It's all right," Joey said, smiling at him. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Pacey looked uncertain. "I don't know," he said softly. "Fear?"

"Of what?" Joey asked, concerned.

"Today is the first time that my parents will be sitting in on a therapy session," Pacey said softly. "What if...What if they don't like what they hear?...What if I've changed so much that they don't even want to know me anymore?"

"That's not possible," Joey said, placing her hand on his arm reassuringly.

"Why?" Pacey asked. "I have changed. You must see that."

"Not as much as you think that you have."

"Maybe," Pacey said softly. "But more than everyone else thinks I have…"

I just want to feel safe in my own skin,
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore

"You're parents love you Pacey. They do. And nothing that happened is going to change that. You went through something terrible, but no matter what she did, she couldn't change you. Not completely. You are still Pacey Witter. Nothing can take that away from you."

Pacey laughed bitterly. "I wish I could be so sure," he said. "But I'm not. Everything she did, all those horrible things, they're part of me now...and that scares me more than I can say."

"Pace..."

On a different day,
if I was safe in my own skin,
then I wouldn't feel lost and
so frightened

"I'm terrified," Pacey said. "I just feel... I feel so different Jo. What if those years changed me into someone who just isn't worth all of this...What if Mama Sal ruined me, Jo? What if she ruined everything worthwhile about me?"

"Not possible," Joey said.

"Jo..."

But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin,
I just want to be happy again.

"No. I refuse to listen to that Pacey. She did not ruin you. You are one of the kindest, sweetest, bravest people that I have ever met. You are one of the most worthwhile human beings on this planet. Nothing that she did changed that. She didn't ruin you Pacey. She can't, not unless you let her."

"You know, when you say that, I almost believe it."

"You should," Joey said with a smile.

And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore
And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin,
I just want to be happy again.

"I just... I just wish that I could go back, you know. I wish that I could undo everything that was done. All I want...All I want is to be happy..."

"Oh Pace," Joey said, her eyes filling with tears at the pain that was imbued in every word. "I wish that too, but you know what? Who you are isn't such a bad person to be." Pacey just smiled at her uncertainly, not sure of what to say. "Let's go inside and get some breakfast and then I'll walk you to Dr. David's office. What do you say?"

Pacey was silent for a moment and then he smiled softly. "Sounds good," he said. They got to their feet and walked into the B&B hand-in-hand.

LATER

Pacey walked tentatively into David's office. As he had expected, his parents were already there...and they looked worried. "Hey," he said softly.

His parents looked at each other. "Where...where did you go?" Mrs. Witter asked. "We were worried."

"I'm sorry," Pacey said.

"You can't keep doing that Pacey," Mr. Witter said. "When your mother walked into your room and you weren't there..." He paused. "She was very worried, son."

"I'm sorry," Pacey said again. "I just..." He looked down at his hands. "I was scared..." He said, his voice a whisper.

"Scared of what?" David asked.

"Today," Pacey said. He turned his attention to David, relieved to be able to turn away from the searching eyes of his parents. "I... I was scared of what they would think of me...after today."

"Where did you go?" Mrs. Witter asked, studying her son's face carefully. She hated this. She hated that even though they had him back, he still felt a hundred miles away.

A blush colored Pacey's cheeks. "I...uh...I went to see Joey," he said, not looking at anyone.

"To talk to her about why you were scared?" David asked. Pacey nodded. "Did that help?"

Pacey nodded again. "Yeah, she told me that my parents loved me and that no matter what had happened, what she had done, what I had done, that that wouldn't change...That I hadn't been changed beyond repair." He looked up, a faint smile lighting his face. "She said that who I am isn't such a bad person to be."

"She's right," Mrs. Witter said, fighting to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. "I hope you believed her Pacey, because she was right. Your father and I love you. Nothing will stop that Pacey. I swear."

"But..." Pacey started, but he stopped, not sure if he could say what he was thinking.

"But what?" Mr. Witter asked, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice.

Pacey looked at David, an uncertain look on his face. David nodded encouragingly.

"If that's true," Pacey started slowly. "If that's true then... then why didn't you guys want me back? She said she offered and... and you didn't even try. Was I that bad? I...I'm sorry for letting them take me. For not fighting harder..."

The Witter's looked stricken. "It wasn't your fault, Pacey," Mr. Witter said, his voice catching.

"Then why didn't you want me back? Why...why didn't you do what they asked and get me back? Why did you leave me with them? Why didn't you want me anymore?"

"We never had the chance to get you back," Mrs. Witter said, tears shining in her eyes. "I swear baby. She only called once and that was to tell us that if we ever saw you again, you'd hate us. Don't hate us Pacey. Please. We did everything. Everything that we could to get you back. I swear."

"Really?" Pacey asked, tears filling his eyes. Wanting to believe them. Needing to believe them. "I...Really?"

"Oh Pace," Mr. Witter said. "I promise you that if she had offered we would have done anything that she asked. Anything in the world to get you back. And we tried. We looked everywhere that we could think of. We did everything that we could...and it wasn't enough. We failed you and I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry Pacey."

A sob broke from Pacey's throat. "Why Dad? Why did she do this to me? To us? I don't understand. I don't understand why this happened. And I need to. I need to understand, Dad!"

Mr. Witter reached up and wiped a tear from his cheek. "It's all my fault," he said softly. "She hated me, not you. Sally Anderson believes deeply in an eye for an eye. I arrested her son and he died in prison. She blamed me, so she took my son from me... and I never even knew that it was her. I don't know how to make this up to you Pacey, but I'll try."

Pacey looked at his father, unsure of what to say. There were all kinds of new thoughts racing through his head and he was having a hard time sorting through them. "I..." He started. He turned to David. "Dr. D? I need to..." He bit his lip. "Please?"

David nodded. "All right. Go ahead." Pacey turned and headed for the door. David shook his head as Mrs. Witter looked like she would try and stop him. "He has a lot to think about," David said after Pacey had left the room. "The session went well. He wants to believe you. That's very promising. It gives me a lot of hope for our future sessions."

"Really?" Mrs. Witter asked hopefully.

"Really," David said with a smile. "You're going to get your son back, Mrs. Witter. He might not be the eleven year old that you lost, but he'll be yours again. It's just going to take some time."

LATER AT THE WITTER'S

Pacey was pacing. He didn't know how to deal with all the new information. He didn't know how to believe everything that his parents were telling him. He knew that they were much better sources than Mama Sal, but after six years with her, it was hard to go back. It was hard to believe anything anyone said.

Pacey stopped his erratic movement as someone rang the bell. He took a deep breath and then went and opened the door. "Jo!" He said surprised.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

"Hey Pace," Joey said, walking into the house. "I just wanted..." She stopped as she got a good look at him. "Are you okay?" She asked, concerned. "Did something happen?"

Pacey sighed. "Nothing earth shattering," he said. He couldn't keep still. He lead her into the living room and waved that she could sit before he began to pace again.

"Are you sure that you're okay," Joey asked.

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold-like old job
Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage

Pacey let out another breath. "I will be. I just need to think. I...I can't get it all clear!" He stalked over to the TV and flipped it on, needing some external noise to counteract the noise in his head. He then continued to pace around the room.

Joey sat down tentatively and watched him. She didn't know what to say that would help. She only knew that she wanted to be there in case he needed her.

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want, I want to change
And what have you got when you feel the same

Pacey moved silently around the room, his movements jerky. "I just don't know what to think," he suddenly burst out. "I don't...I can't..." A frustrated sound escaped from his lips. "I just don't know what to think anymore."

Joey got to her feet. "Pace, you just need to breath, okay? What happened? Why are you so upset?"

Pacey turned to face the wall and took another deep breath, trying to calm himself. He then turned to face Joey. "I just don't know how to separate reality from fiction anymore. I can't. I just..." He stopped as something on the television screen caught his attention.

"What the..." He muttered stepping closer to the TV.

"Pace?" Joey questioned, turning to follow his gaze. She sucked in her breath at the figure on the screen. "Pace?" she said again.

Pacey ignored her. He was glaring at the screen, hating the fact that his heart raced with fear just at the sight of her. Sometimes he wished that he had shot her when he had the chance. Not that that really would have helped how he was feeling now...well, maybe a little...

He turned up the sound a little, listening as the reporter spoke. "Sally Anderson, known to her followers as Mama Sal, was arraigned earlier today on bank robbing charges in Penobscot County Maine. After she faces trial there, she will be extradited to Massachusetts, where she will face kidnapping charges. When asked about the charges facing her in Massachusetts, she had the following to say..."

"That boy ain't worth all this trouble, I tell ya. A bad seed that one. His parents don't want him. They just gotta take him back, otherwise it'd look bad." She turned her head and looked at the screen, an evil grin lighting her face. "You know that, don't you Sonny boy?"

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was an only son
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was an only son for you

A guttural scream broke from Pacey's throat as he seized the television and heaved it against the wall. Joey flinched at the crash it made as it slammed into the wall, her eyes widening in fear.

"I hate you!" Pacey screamed. "You ruined my life!" He seized the table that the TV had been sitting on and knocked it over. "Why? Why did you do this to me?" There was a table next to the couch that had a vase of flowers and some picture on it. He cleared it with a single sweep of his arm, knocking the table to the floor after. "WHY?"

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold-like old job
Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage

Pacey was breathing hard when he finally came down from the haze of anger that had filled him. He turned towards Joey and was horrified when she flinched at his movement. Joey felt instant remorse at the horror on his face. She hadn't meant to flinch. "Pace," she said softly.

But Pacey didn't hear her. He was trapped in his own world, far from her. All he could think about was the look on her face when he had turned to her. She had flinched. He had scared her so much that she had flinched away from him. He had scared her. She had been afraid of him. Afraid of him.

"I gotta go," Pacey said. He turned and ran for the door, every instinct in him telling him that he had to get away from her, for her safety...and for his own...

"Pacey!" Joey called starting after him.

"No, I have to meet Dawson," Pacey said, barely slowing. "I'll see you later Jo."

"Pacey!" But it was too late, he was already gone. Joey slumped against the wall and let the tears come. That had not gone well. He was running now. From himself, and from her. "No, Damn it!" She exclaimed, pushing herself upright and heading for the door. She wasn't going to let him run away from her. Not now, not ever.

Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage
And I still believe that I cannot be saved
And I still believe that I cannot be saved
And I still believe that I cannot be saved
And I still believe that I cannot be saved

"Pacey!" Joey cried, taking off after him at a dead run. "Pacey! Stop!" Pacey slowly came to a stop and turned to face her, both of them breathing hard. Joey wasn't prepared for the anguished look on his face and it hit her like a blow to the stomach. "Pacey..." She said softly.

"You were afraid of me," Pacey said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I scared you."

"Yes," Joey said softly. "You scared me, but I wasn't afraid of you. I was afraid for you."

"No," Pacey said, shaking his head. His voice broke. "I could see it. You were afraid of me. You thought that I was going to hurt you."

"No," Joey said. "Never. I know that you would never hurt me Pace. I know that you would never willingly do anything to hurt me."

"You do?" Pacey asked doubtfully. "'Cause, you know, I wasn't so sure." His voice broke again and he collapsed to his knees, sobs shaking his body. "I wasn't so sure, Jo. I couldn't control it. I couldn't... Oh God, I never would have forgiven myself..." He looked up at her, an anguished cry breaking from his lips. "Jo." She rushed forward and dropped to her knees before him and he collapsed into her arms. "I'm sorry Jo. I'm so sorry!"

"Shh," Joey said, holding him tight and stroking his hair gently. "It's all right, Pacey. We'll figure something out, I promise."