A/N: Last chapter... and my own sad attempt to make sense of the ever-changing SGC locker room configurations. Thanks for reading, all. I hope it made you smile.

Ch 5: Hammond's Headache

Daniel blinked as they finished their story. Apart from the blinking, he hadn't moved in many minutes, his face frozen with both eyebrows raised, his glasses slightly crooked, and his mouth hanging open, a forkful of waffles stopped halfway en route to his mouth, now drizzling syrup onto the table.

"I can't believe I missed that," he finally said.

Right on cue, the PA system squeaked on and Hammond's voice said gruffly, "Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter, report to my office, NOW."

A few of the braver officers in the commissary made "Ummmm" and "Oooohhhhh" sounds like the rest of the class when somebody gets called to the principal. Jack didn't even bother to scowl at them.

Jack and Sam got to their feet reluctantly and trudged off to the General's office. "What do you think it'll be, clapping erasers or writing lines on the blackboard during recess?" Jack tried to joke on their way, glancing at his 2IC from the side.

He felt guilty that she had got dragged into this, all because he hadn't been able to leave her stuff alone. One more attempt at humor, then. He pretended to write, "I...will not... take a bubble bath... at work..." in the air, finally getting a laugh from her just as they reached Hammond's office. The door was already open for them. They filed in and stood smartly at attention.

"Feeling the need to suck up this morning?" Hammond asked after he had saluted them back and pointed them into the chairs in front of his desk.

They sat down. Jack started to answer back but stopped himself with great effort.

Hammond sighed. "I am used to any and all manner of strange reports waiting for me in my inbox after all these years at the SGC. There's a scientist on SG4 that always wants to bring back some type of woodland creature from the planets they visit. For some reason the commissary often receives extra shipments of instant gravy instead of coffee. Last week SG9 came back from P6T391 with a green rash and the uncontrollable urge to dance. Badly. I thought I was ready for anything. Then I arrived this morning and had not one, but thirty-two complaints that the locker room is full of bubbles. May I say, for two people who were up so late last night, you both look remarkably squeaky clean." He paused too stare accusingly at them both and added, "I've already seen the security tape."

"If you saw the security tapes then you know it was an accident, sir..." Sam started bravely, inwardly thinking that with the tone Hammond was using, she half-expected him to add an 'and-wait-until-your-father-hears-about-this, young-lady' to the end of his tirade.

"Yes, Major, save your breath. I really don't need another explanation from the two of you that contains the words, 'it's not what it looks like.' The fact of the matter is that however innocent these incidents actually are, they don't appear that way to the outside observer. This is a military base, not the Real World Hawaii. This is also not the first problem the two of you have had in the locker room. In fact, it's only the last in a series. I realize often it's not just you two, that the rest of SG1 ends up being involved as well, but that's not what the rumor mill really cares about, now is it? And since you both keep insisting that these are all 'accidents,' I can only think of one way to prevent these types of accidents and the headaches they cause me in the future. So here's the deal: from now on, SG1 is not allowed in the locker room at the same time. Any of you. Understood?"

"Sir, that's a bit impractical, don't you think?" Jack asked. "I mean, when we come back from those sandy planets..."

"Colonel!"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Dismissed."

They stood up to leave. In the doorway, Jack turned back, carefully sized-up Hammond's real mood, and said cautiously, "Another solution, General, would be to give SG1 our own locker room."

"OUT!" Hammond said firmly.

As soon as the door was shut behind them, Hammond set down his pen and chuckled. He only wished the security footage had been able to show what happened after first Carter, then Teal'c disappeared into the mountain of bubbles. All that it did show were the bubbles quickly enveloping O'Neill, then Carter's slapstick-style, slip'n'slide arrival. After Teal'c joined them in the mass of bubbles, all three quickly emerged and that was that. Still, it was pretty funny by itself. Bubbles... the President would get a good laugh out of this one.

And O'Neill did have a decent point... maybe it was time to give SG1 their own locker room.