Chapter Twelve:
Remembered Pain

Joey couldn't tear her eyes away from him. He looked so lonely, so defeated, sitting by himself at the end of the dock. She had never wanted anything more that she wanted to go and sit with him. To keep him company...To be with him through the pain that would be filling his life for the next few weeks...

But she knew that he wouldn't let her. She knew that only too well. It had been over two weeks since the camping trip and he hadn't said more than hello to her since. She could still hear the panic in Mrs. Witter's voice when she had called and begged Joey to come over that first day. Joey, of course, had run straight there...Only to find that Mrs. Witter's call had been without Pacey's knowledge. The teary-eyed woman had met her at the door with a desperate look on her face. When she had begun to speak, her voice had trembled.

"He came in, shut the door and he wouldn't talk. Do you think you could...?"

Tears filled Joey's eyes and she wished desperately that it was yesterday, when she could have. "I can try," she said softly. "But I don't know if it will help."

"But..." Mrs. Witter said, something akin to terror spreading across her face. If Joey couldn't...

"Something happened," Joey said softly, interrupting. "Dawson was trying to look out for me...he said the wrong things and I think...I think that Pacey's running from me now...and I don't know...I don't know if I can catch him..."

"Oh Joey," Mrs. Witter said sadly, gazing at the girl in front of her with sympathy. She knew how painful it must be for Joey to have Pacey pulling away from her after they had become so close...and how painful it was going to be for Pacey... She sighed softly. This really couldn't have happened at a worse time. Pacey was going to need all the support that he could get...

"Is...Is there something else that's bothering you Mrs. Witter?" Joey asked softly.

"We got a call last night," Mrs. Witter said. "Since the kidnapping predates the crimes she committed in Maine...They're trying her here first. She faces the grand jury in a little over two weeks...Pacey has to testify...and soon."

And so there he was, on the last day before his testimony, sitting all alone at the end of the dock. All alone, when she should have been there to help him. To talk him through what he was feeling. To comfort him...

She turned as someone touched her lightly on the arm and her eyes met the worried gaze of one of her friends. "How is he?" Jen asked softly.

"I don't know," Joey said with a sigh. "He won't talk to me. He's..."

"Running," Jen said softly, finishing Joey's thought.

Joey nodded with a sigh. "I wish...I wish that I could do something to make this easier on him..." Her eyes filled with tears. "It's just...He so alone, Jen. Look at him." She pointed to where Pacey was sitting. "It hurts so much to see him like that and not be able to do anything..."

"Do you want me to...?" Jen looked at Joey meaningfully. "Maybe...maybe I can talk to him. Maybe he won't be threatened by someone that he can't hurt...and who doesn't have the power to hurt him..."

"Maybe," Joey said softly. She looked at Pacey uncertainly. She wanted so badly to be the one to help him...but the important thing was that he had someone. "It can't hurt to try...Just remember..."

"I could never forget," Jen said softly. "And you don't have to worry Joey. Neither will he..."

"Wha...?" Joey started, but Jen was already walking away. She shook her head slightly, not understanding exactly what her friend was saying...Or even what it was that she had been about to say.

On The Dock

"Hey Pacey," Jen said, coming to a stop a little ways behind him.

"You can tell her I'm okay," Pacey said, his voice barely audible above the sound of the water.

"Tell who?" Jen asked, her voice innocent.

Pacey looked at her for the first time. He just stared at her for a second, clearly not buying it. Jen gave in and sighed. "Well, if you'd just talk to her..." Pacey's expression darkened and he turned his attention back to the water. "Sorry," Jen said softly. He didn't say anything and Jen got the distinct impression that he was ignoring the fact that she was there. She sighed again. "I'll go..." She turned to leave, but stopped as Pacey spoke.

"It's not that I don't want to talk to her," Pacey said softly.

Jen turned back to him. "Then why...?"

"I'm scared," Pacey said, his voice small. "I'm just so damned scared."

Jen walked forward the last few steps and sat down next to Pacey on the dock. "What are you scared of?"

"That I'll hurt her," Pacey said, still refusing to look at Jen. "That I... I scared her Jen. She...She flinched. I would never be able to live with myself..."

"She doesn't think that you'll hurt her. She believes in you, Pacey."

"How can she?" Pacey asked. "How can she, when I can't?"

"Pacey, I don't think you'll hurt her either. It's not in your nature..."

"What if this is a case of nature vs. nurture...where nurture wins?"

"What do you mean?" Jen asked, confused.

"I was raised on pain and hatred Jen. It was all that I knew for six long years. What if all that's left of me is what I learned from her?"

Jen was at a loss for words. She knew that Joey would have had some idea what to say to that, but she had absolutely no idea. "I don't believe that," she said weakly, knowing that it would do little good. "I don't believe that Pacey, and neither should you."

Pacey shrugged. "Easier said then done," he said softly.

Jen was silent for a minute, She didn't know what to say to that, so she decided that it was time to try another tactic. "Are you ready for tomorrow?" She asked softly.

"I guess so," Pacey said with a sigh. "They've made me go over it enough times. I feel like what they want me to say is pretty much ingrained in my memory."

"What about what you want to say?"

"Doesn't seem to matter so much," Pacey said wryly. "They do seem to care...It's just that they just don't really want to know...Not everything..." He frowned slightly. Not that he blamed them. There were lots of things that he didn't want to know either. Things that he would gladly forget, if only he could.

"There's a lot, isn't there?" Jen asked, studying him carefully. "That you haven't told anyone?"

Pacey shrugged slightly. "It's just not so easy to talk about, you know? Especially with people who are essentially strangers..." And even harder with the people who weren't...

"What about...?" Jen asked, turning to look at where she had left Joey.

"No!" Pacey exclaimed, horrified at the very thought. He couldn't tell Joey everything that had happened to him. Everything that he had done. "I...I couldn't... Not..." He couldn't let her see the worst scars that marred his body and his spirit. Scars that were becoming harder and harder to hide...

"It would help," Jen said. "I... I went through a lot in New York before I was sent here...I did a lot and a lot of things were done to me. I know that it in no way compares to what you went through...but once I faced it...Once I talked about it, things got better. Maybe you should try."

"I am," Pacey said. "I really am, but sometimes I don't even know where to start."

Jen shrugged. "That's the easy part," she said. Pacey looked at her in surprise. "Start where every story starts. At the beginning."

Pacey laughed slightly. "You think that'll work?"

"If you have a place to start...well that's half the battle, isn't it?"

Pacey nodded. "That's for sure." He smiled slightly. "Thanks Jen."

"Any time, Pacey," Jen said.

Pacey was silent for a minute. "Tell me truthfully, Jen. How is she?"

"Not so great," Jen said honestly.

"Oh," Pacey said softly.

Jen studied him for a minute and then took a deep breath, deciding to take a chance. "I know that I don't know much about you Pacey, or about what happened to you, but I do know Joey. I know that she cares about you a lot. That she needs to be able to talk to you and see you, so that she can know that you're okay. And I know that this separation that you're imposing on the two of you is hurting her much more than anything else that you could do."

A cold mask slipped over Pacey's face as Jen's words ripped through him. He'd done the wrong thing again. But then, no matter what he did, it would always be wrong. It seemed like there was no course left for him that would be right. "Well, I asked," he said wryly.

"Pacey..." Jen started, but Pacey shook his head.

"I'd kind of like to be alone right now," Pacey said. "Please."

Jen was silent for a minute and then nodded. "Okay." She got to her feet and stood there for a moment. "Good luck tomorrow, Pacey. We'll all be thinking of you." She walked away slowly, wishing desperately that she could have been more help.

"Thanks Jen," Pacey said, knowing that his voice was too quiet for her to hear. He sighed softly. Each day was getting worse and he was beginning to wonder if any of this was worth it...He certainly knew that he wasn't.

NEXT DAY

Courthouse

Nothing could have prepared him for what it was like to see her again. For the nausea. For the fear. For the hatred. Every emotion that he had ever felt towards this woman rushed into him with a force that he wasn't prepared for. The flood continued until all that remained of him was a bundle of raw nerves and emotions.

He kept his feelings pretty well under control until she turned and looked at him, her face crinkling into a mocking smile that didn't reach her cold dark eyes. Pacey's eyes narrowed as she winked at him. Before he even knew what he was doing he was on his feet, flinging himself towards her. His eyes were dark with rage and his arms were reaching towards her, desperate to hurt her as much as she had hurt him.

He didn't really understand what was happening as his forward motion suddenly stopped. It took him a moment to realize that his father and David had grabbed him and were holding him back. He struggled against them, his mind consumed by his desire to destroy this woman in the way that she had destroyed him. When they wouldn't let him go, he turned his rage towards them.

"Let. Me. Go." He growled, glaring at his father.

"Not like that Pacey," Mr. Witter said softly. "She's not worth it. Let the courts take care of this. This would only hurt you more."

Pacey struggled for a few more moments and then seemed to deflate. His father was right. Attacking her wouldn't help anything. It could only make things worse. He was allowing his father to lead him back to his seat when his eyes met Mama Sal's. She gazed at him mockingly and then winked again. "Weak," she mouthed at him. "Always so weak, Sonny boy."

He was about to fly at her again, but his father and David were one step ahead of him. They already had him on the way towards the door, his mother following close behind them. It took them a little while, but they finally managed to wrestle him out into the hall.

Once he could no longer see Mama Sal the fight went out of him. He moved away from his parents and stood silently, his eyes cold with anger and hatred. Once David was sure that Pacey was content to stay in the hall, he spoke quietly to Mr. Witter and then went into the courtroom to talk to the prosecutor.

"Pacey?" Mr. Witter said. He sighed softly when Pacey didn't answer and decided not to say anything more. They waited in silence until David rejoined them.

"Pacey's testimony has been moved to tomorrow," David said, his voice somber. "Why don't we all go home and get some rest?"

Potter B&B

Joey paced up and down the floor anxiously. It was horrible, waiting. She glanced down at her watch and sighed in annoyance. It was only 5:27. Three more long agonizing minutes before the local news. She could barely believe where a few weeks had taken her. For the first time in her life she was anxious for the news to come on...And that hurt. It hurt because it was yet another reminder that Pacey was shutting her out of his life. She couldn't even call him to see how he was. Because he probably wouldn't talk to her, and even if he would, he wouldn't tell her the truth.

"Damnit Joey!" Bessie finally exclaimed. "Just turn on the damn TV and sit down! You're giving me a headache!"

Joey sighed again and then turned on the TV before flopping down on the couch. She chewed on her lip anxiously as Pacey's face filled the screen briefly before the female reporter began to speak.

"Today was the first day of testimony in the case of the State of Massachusetts Versus Sally Anderson. Under normal circumstances, testimony before the Grand Jury only takes a few hours, but the length of time young Pacey Witter was held prisoner by Sally Anderson, as well as his status as a minor, make this case anything but normal. The prosecution was hoping to finish in one day, but the situation was simply too painful for the young victim. He had to be escorted from the courtroom soon after coming face-to-face with his kidnapper once again. The prosecution presented the majority of their evidence this afternoon, leaving only Pacey Witter's testimony for tomorrow..."

"Oh Pace," Joey said softly, gazing sadly as the news showed video of Pacey being led from the courthouse by his parents, a look of such pain and anger on his face...

"Joey?" Bessie questioned softly, hearing the agonized note to her sister's voice. "Are you okay?"

Joey shook her head. "Not really. Look at him Bess. He needs someone and I...I..."

"You want it to be you?" Bessie asked. He voice wasn't judgmental, just questioning.

"I need it to be me," Joey said, wiping tears from her cheeks. "Because that's the only way that I can be sure that he's all right." She stared at the screen until Pacey's image faded away. "Where are you Pace?" She whispered. "And why aren't you here, letting me help you...?"

Pacey had been walking for a long time. There was nothing else that he could do. If he were to try and stand still he knew that he would go crazy. He sighed softly, wishing more than anything that he could talk to Joey. Needing to talk to Joey. Needing to talk to someone.

Pacey stopped as the front door of a house came within sight. He hadn't even been paying attention to where he was going, but now that he was here it seemed like it was meant to be. He had to talk to someone and after everything that had happened, she was the obvious choice. Pacey took a deep breath and approached her front door tentatively. The door opened even as he reached out his hand to knock. "Hey," he said uncertainly, seeing the surprised look on her face.

"Pacey!" She exclaimed in surprise. She looked at him more carefully and noticed how drawn his face looked. "Are you okay? Do you want to come in?"

"You were going out...?"

"It's not important," she said waving her hand dismissively. "Come in. We'll talk."

He looked at her uncertainly for a moment before a small smile spread across his face. "Thanks Jen," he said faintly. He stepped forward and followed her into the house.