Chapter Thirteen:
Sweet Surrender
"Sit down," Jen said, gesturing to the couch. "How're you doing?"
Pacey sat down and Jen joined him. "Not so well," he said softly.
Jen was silent for a minute, waiting for him to speak. When he didn't, she looked at him questioningly. "Why? What happened?"
"It was just..." Pacey sighed. He didn't know what to say...where to start...Or even if he truly wanted to talk... "I don't know where to start..."
"Haven't we already talked about that?" Jen asked, smiling at him gently.
"The beginning," Pacey said, nodding slightly. "But what if I don't know what that is?"
"You had a bad day in court," Jen said simply.
"Well, if you put it that way," Pacey said. He smiled wryly at her, then sighed in annoyance. "I had a bad day in court."
"And?" Jen prompted.
"Mama Sal is a bitch."
"You're very good at expressing yourself," Jen said with a small smile. "Anything to say that isn't painfully obvious?"
"Tons," Pacey said with a sigh. "I just..." He groaned in frustration. "I need to talk, I want to talk, but I can't seem to say anything that means anything! Why can't I talk this out?"
"Because it's not me that you want to talk to," Jen said softly.
Pacey sighed. "But I can't talk to her Jen. I won't."
"Why not Pacey? You need her, she needs you..."
"I just can't Jen!" Pacey exclaimed. "Don't..." He took a deep breath. "Please don't push me on that one Jen. I can't..."
"I'm sorry," Jen said softly. "I don't want to push you Pacey. I just want to help you."
"I know," Pacey said. "And I appreciate that, but I think..."
"You don't trust me..."
"Don't take it personally," Pacey said softly. "I can count the number of people I trust on one hand. And you come pretty close for someone I barely know..."
Jen nodded. "I understand Pacey..."
"Look, thanks for talking to me, but I've gotta go. Okay?"
"Yeah Pacey," Jen said, smiling slightly. "I understand. Anytime, okay? I mean that."
"Thanks," Pacey said, smiling slightly.
Jen walked him to the door. "I'll see you later Pace. Good luck."
"Later," Pacey said. He stepped out the door and waited for it to close behind him before taking a deep shuddering breath.
"Pacey."
He looked up and saw Dawson walking towards him uncertainly. "Hey Dawson," he said softly.
"I've been trying to get in touch with you..."
"I've been kinda busy," Pacey said, inching away. "Look, I gotta get going..."
"This will just take a minute Pacey."
Pacey sighed. "What?"
"I just... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what I said," Dawson said. "I was completely out of line."
Pacey looked at Dawson for a minute before a small smile spread across his face. "She ripped you a new one, huh?" Dawson nodded. Pacey laughed slightly. "Don't worry about it, D. You were right. I would have hurt her."
"No, I wasn't right, Pace," Dawson said, shaking his head. "I wasn't even close, because people hurt the people they love everyday. Over big things. Over small things or nothing at all. Whether they mean to or not. That's just the way it is. I can't protect Joey from that and neither can you. We can only do our best not to hurt her like we are right now. You by pulling away from her and me by being the one that made you pull away."
"Dawson..."
"Just think about that Pacey. There are risks in every relationship... But they're worth it..."
"I'm not," Pacey said softly.
"Joey thinks you are," Dawson said. "And it's her decision to make. She has a right to make it."
"I can't do this right now Dawson..."
"Pacey..."
"No," Pacey said, shaking his head. "I can't think about this right now. I'll see you later." He didn't wait for Dawson to reply, he just took off at a run.
Dawson watched as Pacey ran off into the night and sighed. "I hope you listened Pace, cause this time, I'm right... She needs you as much as you need her. Let her help you."
NEXT DAY
COURTHOUSE
Pacey stood as far from the other people in the room as possible. He was trying to get control of himself... He wasn't getting very far. Finally he gave up and just listened to the DA, Mr. Caldwell. 'Your testimony is very important to the case, blah, blah, blah. We need you to remain focused, blah, blah, blah...' Finally he asked Pacey a direct question.
"The judge has decided to question you herself. Is that okay with you?"
"Whatever," Pacey said with a shrug. Like it mattered who was asking the questions. The answers wouldn't change. "I just want to get this over with."
"It shouldn't take long," Mr. Caldwell said. "It's only the preliminary... And there's already enough to send this before the Grand Jury."
"Then why does he have to testify at all?" Mrs. Witter asked. She watched Pacey run his hand over the scar at his hairline. It was habit that she had noticed more and more lately. Whenever he was nervous or upset, he would run his fingers over it... It worried her...
"Because, without his testimony, a lot of the evidence is circumstantial. He gives it weight. We've told the judge what happened to Pacey, now she wants to hear it from him. There are many things that only he knows."
"Will he have to testify in front of the Grand Jury too?" Mr. Witter said.
"If they call him in, but nothing's definite."
"Can we just get this over with?" Pacey asked, a sick feeling in his stomach. When he had imagined testifying against Mama Sal, he had never thought that he would have to do it three times. Once would be more then he could handle...
"Sure," Mr. Caldwell said, looking down at his watch. "It's time to go in anyway." He walked over to the door and opened it, ushering the others out ahead of him. They entered the courtroom to find that Mama Sal was already seated next to her attorney, Peter Samson. Pacey took a deep breath, and sat behind the prosecutor.
"All rise," the bailiff said. Everyone stood as the judge came in. She made her way to the bench and faced the courtroom.
"You may be seated." When everyone had returned to their seats she turned to Mr. Caldwell. "Is your final witness ready to testify?"
"Yes, your honor," Mr. Caldwell said, standing. "The State calls Pacey Witter to the stand."
Pacey took a deep breath and stood. He walked to the front of the courtroom and he could feel her eyes on him, mocking him. It made his skin crawl, but he ignored her. He could do this! He would do this!
He stopped before the Bailiff and placed his hand on the bible. "Please raise your right hand." Pacey raised his right hand. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?"
"I do," Pacey said.
"You may be seated."
Pacey took his seat in the witness stand and looked up at the judge, waiting for her to speak.
"I decided that it would be best for everyone if I conducted the questioning at this point in the legal process," Judge Williams said. "And both the prosecution and the defense have agreed. Do you have a problem with that Pacey?"
"No ma'am," Pacey said.
"How old are you Pacey?"
"I'm seventeen."
"And you have recently been returned to your parents after how many years?"
"A little over six," Pacey said.
"And during those six years you were being held against your will, correct?"
"Correct," Pacey said.
"Can you tell us who it was that was holding you?"
"Mama Sal...Uh, Sally Anderson." Pacey pointed in the direction of Mama Sal, but didn't look at her. The judge noticed and wondered just what had been done to him. She decided that she wanted to find out.
"Strictly speaking, that's all I need to know," Judge Williams said. "But I'd like to question you in more detail. Is that all right?" Pacey looked at his parents uncertainly before shrugging and nodding. They would hear it eventually... "What happened to you on January 21, 1994 when you were ten years old? Please describe it to us in detail."
Pacey took a deep breath. "I walked most of the way home from school with Joey and Dawson... Josephine Potter and Dawson Leery, my two best friends. We split up when we hit the corner of Oaks and Main. They went one way and I went another..." He paused.
"What happened then?" Judge Williams prompted.
"This car pulled up next to me... I turned to look, thinking that it was my dad in his patrol car or something... But it wasn't... Some guy jumped out of the car and grabbed me... I tried to fight him off, but..." Pacey paused, swallowing hard. "I lost my backpack when he tossed me into the car. I just kept screaming... My dad had always told me that if someone tried to make me go with them, I should make as much noise as possible... draw attention to myself..." Pacey stopped. It was so hard to get the words out. "The last thing I saw before the guy who grabbed me knocked me out was her face." He nodded in the direction of Mama Sal.
"You say a man knocked you out? Please describe how he did that."
Pacey looked up at the judge. "He hit me... I don't know what with, but it was heavy..." Pacey heard his mother gasp, but he didn't look at her... He couldn't.
"What's the next thing you remember?"
"When I woke up, I didn't know where I was. Some basement. I still don't know where we were at that point. She was the first thing I saw. She was smiling...This horrible smile. I asked her who she was. What she wanted." Pacey took a deep breath. "She told me that I could call her Mama, cause she was the only mother I was going to have from then on." Pacey looked down at his hands, fighting back tears. "I just wanted to go home. I...I told her that...and she laughed..."
"What home, Sonny boy? You're parents don't want you. We already tried that. Guess you're not worth the ten thousand we asked your parents for. You're stuck here... and you'd better believe that you're going to earn us every bit of that money... I'm gonna make sure of it."
The judge nodded, struggling to keep steady and impartial... It was just that when he looked at her like that, his eyes welling with tears...
"She got every dime," Pacey said softly. "But not in money... She enjoyed it."
"Enjoyed what?" Judge Williams said softly.
"Watching them hurt me," Pacey said bitterly. "Watching me suffer." He looked up at her again, his eyes filled with pain and horror. "They used me as a punching bag... But it got to the point where I actually preferred that to the other things that they would do... It was a game," he said, spitting out the last word. "They enjoyed it. They used me as a damn ashtray!" He pulled up his sleeve. "Look," he said, pointing to the small circular scars that stood out on his arms. "Look!"
"Pacey," Judge Williams said soothingly.
But Pacey was beyond soothing. He was already lost in the past and the pain. "But that wasn't even the worst," he said softly. "I... I... Nothing hurt as much... as much as what she did to Meg... She made me watch as they beat and killed her. Meg tried to save me and her reward was the most painful death imaginable! I'll never forgive myself for that! She deserved so much more..." Pacey reached up and traced the scar that lined his hairline with his finger. It had happened that day... "I was eleven..."
"How did you get that?" Judge Williams asked, her voice carefully controlled.
"Oh," Pacey said, dropping his hand to his side. "Rifle butt," he said simply. "For talking back."
"How often did she have men hit you?"
"Whenever I didn't do what she wanted me to," Pacey said bitterly. "And I just hated doing what she wanted me to."
"With their fists? Guns?"
"Fists, guns, chairs, belts," Pacey said. "I could show you some other scars... I have plenty. The belt ones on my back are especially lovely. Or, how about this one." He pulled back his other sleeve. There was a painful looking scar near his elbow. "Bobby pushed me down the stairs. The bone popped right out of my skin... They had to take me to a doctor for that one... Or this one," he pulled his collar back to reveal a puckered scar on his shoulder. "A knife. One of the men got a little overzealous. He paid for it, but ironically, that didn't make me feel any better." He looked up at her again, his gaze almost challenging, and Judge Williams knew that he was just getting started. "There's a long list, Judge Williams. How much do you want to hear?"
"I've heard more than enough for what I need to do," Judge Williams said gently. She knew that they had barely scratched the surface, but it wasn't her job to try this case. Pacey had been through enough, He didn't need her to make him relive any more of what had happened. "Why don't you go sit with you parents."
Pacey nodded, getting to his feet. As he stepped down from the witness stand, he finally allowed himself to look at his parents. His mother was sobbing as quietly as she could manage. His father was holding her and... he was crying. Pacey felt shock race through him. His father was crying. He had never imagined his father crying.
"Mr. Caldwell?" Judge Williams said.
Mr. Caldwell stood. "Due to the extreme nature of these crimes and her flight risk, I'd like to request that the defendant be held without bail."
Mr. Samson stood. "Your Honor, asking for..."
Judge Williams held up her hand, shaking her head. "It's up to a jury of her peers to decide whether or not she's guilty, but I'm going to make sure that she's there to face them. No bail, Mr. Samson. This will go before the Grand Jury on Monday." She banged her gavel, silencing his protest.
Pacey watched as Mama Sal was led from the courtroom and then allowed his parents to move him out the door. He didn't really look at them until they reached the front steps... and what he saw hurt. So much pain. Their pain, his pain... He had hurt them today, with what he had said. He hated that... He didn't know how to handle that...
"I need to go for a walk," he said softly, not meeting their eyes.
Mrs. Witter felt him drawing away and wanted to reach out and grab him. Hold him tight so that he wouldn't run away from her... But she knew that would just make him run faster. "Okay," she said softly. "Call if you're going to be late." Pacey nodded, still unable to look at them. "We love you Pacey."
"Love you too," Pacey mumbled. He took off at a jog, unable to deal with the heightened emotions any longer. He needed to be alone...
Late That Night
Running can do wonders for a person's soul. Even if the solitude doesn't allow for clear thinking, the exhaustion can sometimes allow you to surrender to what you truly want. And Pacey had been running. He had been running for hours, physically and mentally... And all that he had gotten out of it was an overwhelming need to see Joey. So here he was, standing in front of her window, wondering what she would say if he managed to work up the courage to bang on the glass. Wondering if she would forgive him for pushing her away...
If she was willing to take the risk, wasn't that her right? Maybe Dawson was right... Maybe by trying to protect her, he was hurting her more than he would by letting her be close to him. He lowered his head to his hands. He didn't want to think anymore! He just needed her, and that was all he could comprehend right then. He reached out a hand and tapped lightly on the glass of the window.
It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
From where I can't return
Where every step I took in faith betrayed me
And led me from my home
And sweet surrender
Is all I have to give
You take me in
No questions asked
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me
Are you an angel?
Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won't disappoint you
When I'm down here on my knees
Sweet surrender
Is all I have to give
Sweet surrender
Is all I have to give
And I don't understand
How the touch of your hand
I would be the first to fall
I miss the little things
Oh, I miss everything
It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room
Sweet surrender
Is all I have to give
Sweet surrender
Is all I have to give
Joey groped for her lightswitch, driven out of sleep by a persistent tapping on her window. She walked over to it and threw it open, her eyes widening in surprise as Pacey's head appeared. "Pacey?" She questioned softly.
"Hey Jo," Pacey said uncertainly. "Can I...Can I come in?"
"Sure," Joey said, stepping back so that he could come in the window. She didn't know why he was there, but she was happy that he had come to her. The past few weeks had been torture for her. Wanting to be there for him, but knowing that he didn't want her there. That he was afraid that he would hurt her.
Pacey stepped in through the window and stared at her uncertainly for a minute. He had finally allowed himself to stop thinking and just feel. And what he felt was that he needed to see her. He had never felt more alone then he had this past week without her. He didn't want to burden her, or put her in danger, but he needed her, more then he had ever needed anyone.
Joey studied him as he stood before her, so vulnerable. He looked fragile, as if a single harsh word could break him. She bit her lip and tears filled her eyes at the cautious way that he held himself, as if expecting anger or even for someone to hit him. "Are you okay Pace?" She asked softly.
The concern in her voice was all that it took to push him over the edge. A bone-jarring sob shook his body as he simply shook his head. "Oh Pace," Joey said softly, racing to his side. She led him over to the bed and sat crosslegged on it. He climbed up next to her and curled up beside her. He laid his head in her lap and just let the tears come.
Joey stroked his hair gently, comfortingly. She leaned her head close to his and whispered soothing words as he cried for all the years, all the pain, all the loss. Comforted him as the sobs shook his exhausted body. Held him as he gave into his exhaustion and slipped into a restless sleep.
Joey brushed the hair off his forehead and gazed down at his face, made boyish by sleep. She had never felt this way about anyone. She would do anything to help him, to comfort him, to protect him. His pain was almost physical for her.
She leaned down and kissed his forehead gently, feeling a not completely unpleasant ache in her heart. "I love you Pacey Witter," she whispered softly. She watched as he shifted slightly in his sleep and she sighed. "Now if only I could tell you that when you were awake, maybe we could get somewhere." She stroked his face gently and began to sing softly to him, hoping that her voice would reach him and keep the demons away...if only for tonight.
I have a smile stretched from ear to ear
I see you walking down the road
We meet at the lights, I stare for a while
The world around us disappears
It's just you and me on my island of hope
A breath between us could be miles
Let me surround you, a sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek
But every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot to tell you
I love you
And night's too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the words to say
I need you so
And every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot to tell you
I love you
And night's too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the words to say
I need you so