Chapter 10

The Perfect Party

"Is everyone ready?" Harry called, standing at the door, ready to fling it open at any second. "Ron, stop that, wait until we open, goddamit!"

Ron zipped up his pants guiltily, and Kaozi stood up off the ground.

"Okay. Here they come." Grinning, Harry flung open the doors.

There was absolutely no one outside, and the chirping/sex noises of crickets were all too apparent.

"Horny….horny…." Ron bounced around. Kaozi whispered to him, and he stopped.

Harry looked angry. His lip was all sucked in, and his eyes were narrow. Why he was hard was a mystery to everyone. "Roger. Did you deliver the flyers?"

Roger Davies looked confused. "What fliers? Oh, no, I shat on them."

"You…you shat on them." Harry restated, looking as though he was trying to understand. At that moment, Kaozi, Ron, and Viktor broke out in screaming laughter.

"Ah – hahaha – that is fucking classic!" Ron howled, rolling on the ground, Kaozi under him.

"Well, this is just great! Now nobody's coming. What the bloody hell are we going to do now?" Harry cried angrily.

"Excuse me, Harry," Dumblewhore cleared his throat, "But if you would like, I could tattoo an equivalent of the flier on my ass and run around Hogwarts naked."

Harry stared at him for a moment. "What the bloody hell do you want in return?"

"A rim job. From Draco." He answered candidly.

Harry coughed. "Whoa-ho-ho….okay…recovering….well, I'll see if he's up for the….the job. Yeah." He looked away. "Justin, get the tattooing needles, and the neon pink ink. I want everyone to see this."

Severus sat quietly in his office, reading a book called Chicken Soup For the Soul. He'd bought it at a Muggle shop out of pure curiosity. That and it sounded like cheap porn.

"What rubbish." He sneered, and threw it into the fire. The flames flashed purple.

Presently, he heard a commotion outside. It sounded like a student screaming. Footsteps pounded above him on the first floor. It sounded quite like a mob was forming.

He jumped as someone began to bang urgently on his door. He swept over indignantly, and suddenly a picture of Voldemort flashed in his mind. His hand froze on the handle.

Oh fuck it, He thought, I'm getting to old for this.

The door lurched open, and in ran a naked young man. He knocked Severus into his desk chair and put his ass in Severus' face. Severus screamed, then read the neon message spread over to wide, luscious cheeks.

FRATERNITY PARTY TONIGHT AT THE SHRIEKING SHACK. WE GUARANTEE FREE SHRIEKS ALL NIGHT. BEER AND DRUGS, LOTS OF GIRLS (OR GUYS). RESTRICTED TO SIXTH YEARS AND UP, PROFESSORS INVITED. BE THERE OR BE A VIRIGIN.

"Well, isn't that juicy." Severus whispered, grinning. How did all of this get past Dumbledore?

"Yes, it is. I just got the implants two days ago. Would you like to touch it?" The man asked, gesturing to his bum. Severus was revolted.

"No, that's disgusting! And just who the hell are you anyways?"

"Why, my name is Dumblewhore. I already know who you are." He smiled.

"Right. I see the drinking has already begun. Two hundred points off whatever house you come from. Now get the fuck out of my office." Severus spat.

"Whatever man." The guy muttered. As soon as he left, Severus grabbed his cape and set off for the Shrieking Shack.

It was a strange sight, the Shack. And it was truly shrieking, just as they had guaranteed. Beer bottles and pipes littered the front lawn, condoms rained from trees as people screamed, and bras and panties hung out of windows. There was loud music coming from the inside.

Hooligans, Severus thought. And he made his way inside.

Dumblewhore was getting nervous. Harry had promised him, and he hadn't seen Draco all night. He popped another X pill. Damn, those things made him fly. He began to jump up and down. He finally stopped when he saw Draco walk through the door.

Wow, Draco's having his first slow-motion entrance, Dumblewhore thought. Everything stopped and a strange, girlish music played in the background as he stopped and smiled at everyone. Then the people turned back to what they were doing and it went on just like before.

"Draco!" Dumblewhore said gleefully, running up to him. "Would you like some X? What about tequila? Oh, and we have shrooms, too."

"Um….maybe some shrooms, thanks." Draco said, patting his stomach. "I want something gentle that won't hurt the baby."

"Alright." Dumblewhore went over to Hermione's drug stand. She already had two full sacks off galleons behind the counter.

"Oh god, Albus. We've got to do this more often." She laughed joyously as she took a sixth year's cash.

"I told you, it's Dumblewhore." He hissed, leaning in closely. "And could we get some shrooms for Draco?"

Hermione's face hardened. Her lips became pursed. "Very well." She said coldly. She handed him the pot. "Ten galleons, please." He handed her the gold and went back to Draco, also grabbing two beers from Pansy Parksinon and Padma Patil, who were having lesbian sex on the couch.

"Thanks." Draco smiled as Dumblewhore handed him beer and pot. "Let's go upstairs, shall we?"

Dumblewhore became quite aware that he was half-up, and would probably get to full mast before they got up the steps. "Of course." He said, knowing this would be a very satisfying night indeed.

"Granger?" Severus asked as he walked over to her. "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"Selling drugs. Want some?" she asked, holding out a bag of white powder.

"Depends. What is that?"

"Cocaine."

"Oh, well I suppose, for old times sake." He said wistfully, and grabbed the bag, remembering when he and Lucius had first gotten stoned. Then they had had sex, and he had only known that because the next morning he was bleeding from his ass. He fished out twenty galleons and dumped them on the counter.

"I think I'll have some myself. I was just closing up shop anyways." With a wave of her wand, she made the selling station disappear. A line of disappointed kids screamed in protest, and began making their way over to the liquor stand. "It's way too loud in here. Let's go upstairs."

"What would people think, Granger?"

"That we're having sex."

"Exactly."

"What, you mean we're not?"

"Goddamn. Let's just go before I change my mind. But I won't have sex with you."

"Fine. But you don't know what you're missing." She grinned. For some reason, Severus actually thought about that statement.

They went up into the dark upper floor of the shack, and finally found a room that was empty, after walking in on three really quiet couples. It's probably the heroine, Severus thought, making them that quiet.

The empty room had a desk with three legs, propped up against the wall, a battered window seat, and a dusty old bed. They sat on the tattered rug in front of the bed and fished their drugs out. They began to snort the drugs quietly. It made Severus almost long for his childhood, which took a lot. He began to wonder why the room was changing colors, and why the desk was dancing.

"Granger, I never told you, but you're a sexy know-it-all." He blurted.

"Snape, I never told you, but you're a greasy asshole."

"Let's make love."

"Right-o."

He picked her up and laid her down on the bed very carefully, which creaked ominously but still stood bravely up. They undressed slowly, lingering in the moment. He laid on top of her, giggling like a horny lesbian schoolgirl, which was really what he was at heart anyways.

"I love you, Granger." He whispered as he approached an orgasm. He realized that even though he was drugged, this was something that he meant. That scared him but it exploded inside of him as well.

Oh no, wait, that really was just his orgasm.

"I love you too." She whispered, biting her lip and fighting a moan. She kissed him passionately, then they separated and fell asleep.

Next door, Draco and Dumblewhore were both awoken by Draco's scream.

"It's coming! The baby is coming!" He yelled.

Dumblewhore fainted.