Chapter 11
A Baby Named Fuck, Manhood Lost, and Many, Many Tootsie Rolls
Severus awoke to the smell of Mudblood. He sniffed, his nose wrinkling, then opened his eyes.
"GAH!" he yelled. Hermione rolled over, grinning.
"What's the fuss about, honey?" She asked cutely.
Severus grimaced. No one called him honey. No one. Not even Mrs. Norris…well perhaps, but that had only been one night, and….he had been…well, desperately horny to be perfectly honest, and there she was, just standing innocently in the broom closet, licking her asshole….
Ah. Off track.
"Yeah! That's fucking depressing isn't it? You have no life and just watch south park 24/7 don't you? You have absolutely nothing to do in your life besides watch south park because it's your god right? You worship it don't you? You fucking slave, of course you do. Fuckin piss off. Go jack off to some fat kid singing about fat bitches. Because that kinda stuff just sets you off doesn't it? Slut. That's all you are. A slut in this world. A Korean one, at that. You don't even use a fork to eat food, you fucking Asian. You Asians think they're so smart when in reality, how smart can they be when the eat with two fucking wooden sticks? Good job, dumbass. Go eat some spicy shrimp rolls at the fucking Japanese restaurant. Oh, I'm so sorry, your not Japanese, how dare me. How the hell would I know. I can't tell the difference between you fucking slitty eyed bitches. God stop moaning about every thing I say. Fuckin oriental. Go back to your homeland, and suck on Buddha's fat belly button. You fucking whore, I know you want to. Your dying to. But you can't, because your parents are on life support aren't they? Yes, they are fucking Schiavo clones aren't they? Fucking vegetables. You know the real reason why they're on life support? No, it's not because of that so called "car accident", oh no, of
course not, its really because they both smoked a fuckload of crack cocaine. Yeah, that's right, soak it in you fat Korean nerd slut. Soak in the facts. Let the facts pour down on you like fucking miso soup. God, I hate those green little shits in the miso soup they give at Japanese restaurants. Fuckin seaweed. Without the sea." Severus hollered. He gasped for breath while Hermione looked hurt and extremely disturbed.
(A/N: Thanks to one of my lovely reviewers for that inspiring and disturbing flame The flame is the outburst that Snape just emitted to Hermione, if you didn't catch it. It's so lovely to have a way to recycle flames, don't you think? Thanks again!)
"But…I'm not oriental." Hermione whimpered, her lip quivering. Snape looked down, ashamed.
"No, you're not. I'm sorry. I really don't know where that came from. What I was going to say originally is that you have a bug on your nose." He pointed. She flicked it away.
"Okay. Well, want to have some sex?" she asked, grinning.
"No, I'm hungry. Let's go downstairs and get some of those Tootsie Rolls that Muggle boy had." He beckoned, helping her out of bed. As they walked to the door, he felt her up, and immediately regretted his suggestion about the Tootsie Rolls. But it was really too late to ignore. "Granger, why didn't you tell me you had a third breast?" he asked randomly.
"Oh, not many people know. Especially since it's located on the back of my neck." She explained. "It's so small, most people think the nipple is a mole."
"Wow. Anyways…" They went out into the hallway. The sound of a baby crying was carrying through the door of the room next door. Curiously, Severus went over and burst through the door, still tired enough to not think about the scene on which he could have walked in on.
Draco was sitting there with a baby in his arms, and Dumblewhore was looking unusually green. Extremely green.
"Dumblewhore, what happened to you?" Hermione asked.
Dumblewhore vomited, then looked up at them. "Oh, just got careless with the hair dye. And Draco gave birth. God, that was something I'll never –" he vomited again, weakly. "-forget."
"Girl or boy, Draco?" Hermione asked casually, almost forgetting it was her child as well.
"Hermione," Draco beamed, swelling with pride. "It's a transvestite!"
Severus was nearly knocked over suddenly as Hermione fell limp in his arms.
Hermione awoke to the sounds of oohs, awes, and Oh-my-fucking-gods. A crowd of people stood around Draco and his baby, intrigued, repulsed, and, in Neville's case, turned on. It's a goddamned baby, Hermione thought. At least wait until it's ten, you child molester.
"Oh, you're awake." Snape said. He had his hand on the back of her neck and was rubbing it.
"Ow, stop it, it's tender." She said, shoving his hand away. "I think I'm getting my period."
"Oh, me too." Draco spoke up. "I think I need some drugs. And chocolate."
"Aye aye, cap'n." Hermione replied, sounding rather butch for a second. Then Snape saw the lines of her thong under her robe and he felt better.
"Oh my gawd, it is soooooooo cute. What'll you name it, sweetie?" Ron asked, running his fingers through his blonde hair. Viktor was giving Kaozi a munchkin BJ in the corner, and they were both to busy to notice.
"Um….how about Finch Ulysses Candace Kilmer?" He smiled.
"Well, the problem with that is that its initials will spell out FUCK." Ron said.
"That's not a problem, that's brill." Blaise said. "A baby named FUCK. Everyone'll love it! Especially Madame Pomfrey, she's a Dominatrix you know."
"Really?" asked Harry. "I'll have to check that out for myself." He smirked, ignoring the glare McGonagall was giving him.
"Alright then. I christen thee, Finch Ulysses Candace Kilmer, or FUCK for short." Draco said, holding the baby up.
"You know, FUCK is such a versatile word. I think it's a sign that FUCK will be sexually versatile." Goyle said stupidly.
"Nice try for smart, Goyle, but you just missed it. FUCK being sexually versatile was noticeable from the start, since it's a transvestite." Harry pointed out.
"Yeah Goyle, go get stoned and have sex with Ginny again, that's always entertaining." Snape smirked. Harry looked over at him, surprised he had been quite through all of this. For once, Snape had actually impressed him.
"Harry, I really have to take a piss. Where's the bathroom?" Hermione asked.
"Down the hall, to the left, third door." He pointed, and Hermione ran off, clutching her vagina. Snape smirked again.
"Stop smirking, it makes you look like your wanking off." Dumblewhore said.
"What? But I –"
"Have a Tootsie Roll." Dumblewhore hurled the bag at him, and it hit him square on the nose, causing it to swell up, rebel, and jump off his face. Snape clutched the empty socket where it had been.
"You bastard, you made my nose run away!" Snape cried. Dumblewhore laughed, noticing Snape's usually velvety voice was horribly slurred by the absence of his nasal instrument.
"Oh, don't be a bitch. Have some cocaine. Oh, that's right, you can't snort it!" Dumblewhore jeered, and the whole group erupted in laughter. "Oh yeah, I said it, twenty points to the house of Gryfinnwhore!"
"You call me a bitch." Snape muttered mutedly. He took a Tootsie Roll and shoved it up Dumblewhore's ass. He had hoped the man would howl with pain, but as it happened he did the exact opposite and begged for more.
"You disgust me." He snarled. "Ever since you took those Youth Potions you've become a complete and total arse."
"And I like it in the arse, too." Dumblewhore grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.
"What's all the fuss about?" Hermione asked. She had returned from the lavatory and now stood at Snape's side.
"He's a fucking imbecile." Snape said, pointing at Dumblewhore.
"Now, why would you say such a thing, Severus? I think we have some repressed anger that we need to deal with." Dumblewhore insisted, making a steeple of his fingers. He stared at Snape for a good five minutes while the room was so silent you could have heard a pubic hair drop. Then Snape cracked.
"Daddy didn't love me!" he cried as he burst into tears. He blew his nose (or rather, where his nose used to be) in his hair, and the group shuddered. "I-I never got any hugs!"
"Um….Severus? I didn't really care about any crap you had with your dad…I was just trying to fuck with your mind." Dumblewhore admitted. Snape immediately tried to stifle the sobs.
"Oh….yes, of course, I knew that! Just – just leave me alone! Waaaah!" He cried dramatically as he ran from the room, weeping. Hermione looked turned off. Really, really turned off.
"He's fucked up." Harry said.
"Yeah. And he runs like a girl." Roger Davies pointed out.
"That's because I cut off his balls and penis last night. Hope he didn't notice." Came a voice from behind them all. Footsteps echoed in the dark hallway, and a tall man with graying chestnut hair and smirking brown eyes emerged into the light.
"Professor Lupin?" the group cried in unison and shock.
"Yes, I have returned. I have returned to announce that I stole Severus' manhood in the night, because I was jealous that he fucked Hermione. So now it is in a jar that I keep under my pillow for those long, cold nights." He cocked a gun that he had. His wand appeared to be inside of his ass along with a number of other things, including carrots and screwdrivers. The crowd flinched at the sound of the cock. "Of course you all understand that."
"Yes, Professor." They answered in unison again, all staring at his gun. Though most were wizards, they knew of the power he held in his hands, and didn't question it.
"Now," he said, rubbing the barrel of the gun. "Who has the Tootsie Rolls?"
Dumblewhore flung them his way, and Lupin caught them with one hand. He unwrapped one with his tongue and ate it. Ginny began to stare, mesmerized by what his tongue could do, but Goyle, however stupid, knew of the possible consequences and grabbed her possessively by the crotch. At first she gave him a weird look, but then she merely smiled blissfully.
"I have what I want." He said, gesturing to the bag. "I'll be going now. Thank you all. And not a word about me holding Severus' manhood hostage, alright?"
"Yes." They all said. Then Lupin was off into the shadows again, Tootsie Rolls and all.
"He used to be such a strapping you lad." Dumblewhore sighed, and then all was silent. Until Goyle farted.