---
"What's been bothering you, Jequimas?" Lylisan asked worriedly as they roamed through Hyde Park. They had been walking in silence for nearly an hour. "And it's no use saying it's nothing, because I'm not stupid."
For the first time in what seemed like years, Jequimas cracked a small smile. "I know you're not," he said quietly. He sighed.
There was another silence, then Lylisan said, "You know, you should really just leave."
Jequimas jerked his head around to stare at her. "What?"
She shrugged. "You should leave." He gaped at her. "It's obvious you want to," she continued, staring at the ground as they walked. "I'm not sure why... I'd think this would be what... what you've wanted." There was a strange note in her voice that Jequimas wasn't used to hearing. She blinked rapidly a few times and looked back up at him, her jaw set. "But if you really want to go, you should."
Jequimas didn't know quite what to say. This was indeed what had been troubling him, but how could she have known? He dropped his eyes, because he suddenly couldn't bare to face her. "It's just..." How could he explain? "This is what I did want," he said quietly, "But... once I got it, I just..." He shook his head, trying to clear it. "It doesn't feel right, Lyli. You said it would take some getting used to. And I'm sure you're right. But I just don't feel... I don't feel right about coming into the tribe, that's all. Nobody here really knows me. I don't really know anyone. It's coming into a tribe full of strangers, Lyli, and that's not what I wanted. I wanted to come home to my family."
Lylisan looked up at him, a slightly pained expression on her face. "This is your family, Jequimas. Whether it feels right or not... they're all you have."
"I have you." He said this so quietly that he wasn't sure at first that she had heard him. He didn't look at her, but saw her face soften out of the corner of his eye and suddenly felt her hand in his.
"That's true," she whispered. They walked in silence for a bit longer and she continued, "But think about it, Jequimas. When I... when we found each other again, I was practically a stranger, wasn't I? But we got on all right."
He shook his head. "It wasn't the same with you. You were..." he struggled with words. "You were the same as ever. I didn't feel like I had to be anything with you, you know? I could just be what I had become. I didn't feel like you expected anything from me."
Lylisan studied him carefully. "What do you think the rest of the tribe expects from you?"
"I don't know." He felt suddenly sullen. "I think they want me to be like I used to be. You know, before... everything. I'm afraid they want me to be a kitten again, and I'm just not."
"Of course you're not," Lylisan agreed, nodding. "But I don't think anyone wants you to be. I think they're just glad to have you back. Just like I am."
Jequimas stopped and studied her incredulously. "You're telling me they don't feel odd, suddenly having me back? For Cat's sake, Mum and Dad have gotten an extra son after two years of not having one. That's got to be strange, Lyli. You can't convince me they don't feel awkward sometimes."
"Well I'm sure they do," she conceded, "But they'll readjust, just like you will." She took his other hand and stared up at him. "I wish you'd stay, Jequimas. I really do. But," she sighed, "You have to do what you think is right. I can't make up your mind for you."
He nodded, lost in thought, staring over her head. Then he focused on her and said, "If I were to leave, would you come with me?"
Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped slightly. "Come - with you?" she repeated, sounding shocked. "What...?"
He gripped her hands tightly. "I want to be with you, Lylisan. No matter whether I choose to stay or go." He stared at the ground. "Say you'd come with me."
She laid a hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes. "I want to be with you too, Jequimas," she whispered. He could feel the "but" coming before she even said it. "But no matter what you feel for the tribe now... they're still my family." He screwed up his eyes, as though trying to shut out what she was saying. "I couldn't leave them."
He nodded, though he didn't really understand.
---
The ball was hurtling toward Jequimas like a speeding train. He had taken to avoiding everyone, even Lylisan. He had been wrestling with himself, constantly in two minds as to what to do. On the one hand, he could not imagine staying with the tribe; the discomfort and awkwardness he had experienced during the first days of his return had shown no signs of receding, and on the rare occasions when he did see members of the tribe, they treated him as though he was a a visiting celebrity rather than an old friend.
On the other hand, he couldn't even think of leaving Lylisan. He had just found her, he told himself, and he was determined not to lose her again. But she wanted to stay with the tribe, and Jequimas seriously doubted he could change her mind about that.
He was sitting in his den, staring at the wall, when he heard his sister's voice. "Tiger?"
"Come on in," he said, smiling at her as she entered. She returned it.
"How're you doing?" she asked, sitting next to him and laying her head on his shoulder. He shrugged, causing Jeniiva's head to rise and fall. "That well, huh?"
He grinned. "Just thinking, that's all."
She sat up and studied him. "Excited about the ball?" When he didn't answer, she looked into his face. "No?" He remained silent. "Jequimas? What's wrong?"
Knowing that his sister was just was stubborn as he, Jequimas sighed and told her what was on his mind. She listened patiently and when he was finished, sighed and concentrated on the same point on the wall at which he was staring. "I know what you mean," she said at length. "I've talked to Mum about it, about how everyone's treating you like some sort of hero. Not to say you aren't," she amended, "but that doesn't mean everyone has to treat you like... I don't know. They're not acting normal, that's all. They're afraid of you."
Jequimas' brow furrowed and he frowned. "Afraid of me? They were afraid of me when they thought I was a murderer. Why are they still afraid even though they know I'm not?"
"Because you're not the same Jequimas that was banished from the tribe two years ago," Jeniiva answered patiently. "They remember you as a kitten, a kitten who was troublesome and obnoxious and -"
"All right, all right, I get it."
She smiled. "But still a kitten. I think they're afraid... well, maybe not of you, but of what you've become. They know you're not the same. They just don't know what you are."
"I'm me," he answered feebly. "How will they get to know who I am if they keep treating me like I'm a step above them?"
"They won't," Jeniiva answered bluntly. He looked at her. "That's why if you want to leave, you should do it soon."
'Trust my twin to know,' Jequimas thought sardonically.
"I could tell them why you left," she continued, "So you wouldn't have to face them yourself." He didn't say anything. "Unless there's something that's keeping you here?" she pressed, a smile playing around the corners of her mouth.
He glared at her and she nodded. "I thought so. She won't leave with you, will she?" It wasn't really a question; he shook his head. "So that's why you haven't left yet." He nodded and she sighed. They sat in silence for a good long while, then Jeniiva said, "So what will you do?"
"I don't know," he replied. "I just don't know." They continued to stare at the wall in silence, then Jequimas stood and walked out of the den.
Jeniiva watched him go and nodded to herself.
---
The ball would begin in mere moments, and Munkustrap - as was his custom - was fretful. "You're sure everything is in order?" he asked Grimterra, who, as Jellicle protector, was in charge of the preparations.
Grimterra sighed inaudibly. "Yes sir," he answered as patiently as he could, "Nothing has changed since you asked 10 minutes ago." From the corner of his eye he saw his father frown at him, but couldn't be bothered by it. Everything was in order.
... Except for the small matter of Jequimas.
'Oh well,' Grimterra thought, 'No need to bother him with that right now. He's nearly ready to keel over as it is.'
This was certainly true, but not unusual. The aging tom was pacing up and down outside the junkyard, his brow knit in concentration. Though this was far from his first time performing the duties as Jellicle leader, he never could quite convince himself that he knew exactly what he was doing.
Grimterra, peering through the darkness into the clearing, saw the first of the tribe members beginning to arrive. He turned to Munkustrap.
"It's time."
---