Chapter Eighteen: Wash Away Those Years
It was harder than he had expected to walk out of the visitor's room. Not because he had anything more to say to Sally Anderson. That was over and he had meant every word that he had said to her. She hadn't beaten him and she never would… It was just… What now?
Knowing that she hadn't beaten him didn't take away the years of pain that he had endured at her hands. In reality, it didn't change much of anything… At least not about the past. Those years were still there… and so was the pain.
Pacey stood outside the door to the visitor's room, silent and still, his mind hundreds of miles away… He wished sometimes that he could be hundreds of miles away… And alone. Sometimes he wanted nothing so much as he wanted to be alone.
That didn't change how he felt about his family, or his friends… Or Joey. It was just that sometimes everything was too much. Sometimes the love he felt for them hurt so much that all he wanted to do was get as far away from them as possible… Or hold onto them so tightly that nothing would ever again be able to separate him from them…
He didn't know which of those things scared him more… The need to get away, or the absolute dependence he had on them… On her…
"Pacey?" His mother asked, her voice full of worry.
Pacey looked up and managed to smile reassuringly at his mother. "I'm okay Mom."
"What did she say…?"
"Nothing that can hurt me anymore," Pacey said reassuringly. It wasn't quite a lie. Her words were meaningless now, though her actions still tore at his soul. "Where's Dad?"
"He's talking to the FBI," Beth said, looking at her son uncertainly. She could tell that there was something wrong, but she knew better than to push. "How's your arm?"
Pacey touched his bandaged arm absently. "Fine," he said vaguely. "Dougie?"
"He drove Joey home. She said to tell you that she and CJ will be waiting for you when you're ready."
Pacey nodded, his eyes unfocused, his expression blank. "Okay."
"Pacey…"
Pacey continued to stare straight ahead. "Yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
Pacey nodded, his expression remaining blank. "Yeah. I'm fine."
"Pace…?"
This time Pacey could hear the fear in his mother's voice. He shook himself slightly and looked at her, smiling slightly. "I'm fine," he said, his voice steady. "Don't worry about me so much Mom. I'm a survivor."
"I know," Beth said, her smile bittersweet. "You're a Witter."
Pacey stood silently for a minute and then took a deep breath. "Look, I'm gonna go for a walk. Is that okay?"
"You want some company?" Beth asked hopefully.
"Umm, next time?" Pacey questioned uncertainly. "I just… There are some things that I need to work out in my head."
"Oh…" Beth said, fighting to hide the hurt in her voice. "Sure… Call if you're going to be too late."
"Okay," Pacey said softly. "Bye." He stood still for a moment and then turned abruptly and headed for the door.
"Pacey?" Beth called. Pacey stopped and turned to look at his mother questioningly. "I love you," she said. Her voice intense with emotion, conveying all of her love and worry in the only way that she could right now.
Pacey smiled, his eyes shining with warmth. "I love you too, Mom. Don't worry." He looked at her for a second more and then turned and walked out into the night.
DAVID'S APARTMENT
She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
Pacey banged insistently on David's door. "Dr. D! You in there?" He knocked a few more times for good measure.
"I'm coming, Pacey!" David yelled. "Hang on!" He threw open the door, his face barely registering any surprise at the sight of Pacey standing before him, stressed and out of control. "I thought you might be stopping by." He motioned for Pacey to come in and shut the door. He led him into the living room and they sat down.
"So you heard about Larry, then, huh?" Pacey said, looking at David uncertainly.
David nodded. "I was going to come down to the station, but I decided that confronting Sally Anderson was something that you had to do on your own. I told your parents to let you know that I was here if you needed me."
Pacey nodded.
"So, how did it go?" David asked.
Pacey shrugged. "I don't know. It felt good to confront her. To tell her that she couldn't beat me, no matter what she did to me… And to walk away from her… To walk away… Show her that she didn't break me."
"That sounds like a pretty good ending to me…"
Pacey shrugged again.
"What's wrong?"
Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's all right
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
"It doesn't change anything!" Pacey said, the words bursting from him almost angrily. "All of that… it doesn't mean anything! It doesn't… It doesn't take away all those years. Nothing can take away those years!"
"You're right," David said gently. "There is nothing that can take away those years, but to say that the realization that Sally Anderson can't hurt you doesn't change anything… well, that's not true. It changes a lot. You can't live in the past Pacey. You can't let those years destroy your future."
"It's just so hard," Pacey said softly.
"I know," David said. "Life is hard." Pacey was silent for a minute. David watched him for a minute puzzled by the look on his face. "What?"
"I just don't get it, Dr. D," Pacey said softly, his voice almost defeated.
"Get what?"
"The point. I don't get the point."
"Of?"
"All of this. The pain, the anger, the hatred, the sadness…even the love… Just… life. I don't get it."
My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence
Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone
"I can't explain the meaning of life to you, Pacey."
Pacey laughed slightly. "I know. I mean, you're not the guru…"
"The guru?"
Pacey laughed again. "You know, the guy in those B.C. comics that sits on top of that really pointed mountain and dispenses advice to anyone willing to climb up and see him… Advice that, of course, only makes sense in retrospect…"
"Ah yes, the guru," David said, nodding his head. "No, I'm not the guru, Pacey. All I can tell you is that you're thinking way too much. There's no mystery there. All you really need to realize is that that point of life… is to live."
Pacey was silent for a moment. He stared at David seriously, a thoughtful look in his eyes. "The point of life… is to live?" He repeated. David nodded. Pacey looked at him silently for a while longer, nodding slightly, his face still thoughtful. All of a sudden, he burst out laughing, unable to keep a straight face any longer. "That has got to be the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! Do they teach you these things at shrink school?"
David shook his head with bemusement. "You give a guy good advice…" Pacey looked at him doubtfully. "Just think about it, Pacey."
"I'll think about it," Pacey said. "But I want to go on record as saying that you're insane."
"Works for me," David said. They were silent for a minute. "How's Joey?"
Pacey took a deep breath. "Okay. He hurt her… but she's okay. Dougie took her home…"
"You haven't gone to see her yet?"
"I'm completely messed up, Dr. D. I… I just don't know what to say to her. A psychopath attacked her because of me. How can I…"
"Joey won't blame you Pacey. Nobody will. You didn't make Larry into what he is. And you didn't do anything to put yourself into the situation you found yourself in. It's not your fault. No one blames you."
"Sometimes I know that… Sometimes… Sometimes I even believe it."
"You know what I think? I think that Joey will help you a lot more than I can right now. She's the one you want to see. She's the one you need to see… So go see her, Pacey. There's no one left out there that's going to come after you. Larry and Sally are both behind bars. Go live your life."
Pacey laughed slightly. "Finally the shrink comes through with some good advice," Pacey quipped. "I knew you had it in you somewhere!"
"Funny," David said, but he smiled. "Call me if you need to."
"Will do," Pacey said, getting to his feet. "Thanks Dr. D."
"Anytime Pacey," David said, getting up and walking Pacey to the door. He opened it and Pacey walked out. "Tell Joey I said hi."
Pacey grinned. "I will. Bye Doc."
"Bye Pacey." He watched as Pacey left, smiling softly. They had come leaps and bounds since that first day in the hospital. It was far from over, but he could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. He knew that Pacey was going to come out of this on top. He was going to make it.
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's all right
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
POTTER B&B
Pacey walked around the corner of the B&B and stopped next to the porch. He watched as Joey ran across the grass with the puppy loping along after her. He vaguely registered the distant sound of thunder as a small smile spread across his face. She really was beautiful…
He walked forward slowly and Joey slowed to a walk as she caught sight of him. "Hey," she said softly.
"Hey," he said uncertainly. "How…" He stopped and looked down at his hands, suddenly worried that she would blame him for what had happened despite David's reassuring words. "How are you?"
"I'm fine," Joey said reassuringly. "Just a little bump… I barely feel it…" She paused, looking at him carefully. "Are you okay?"
Pacey looked up and Joey stepped forward in concern at the tears shining in his eyes. "Not so much," Pacey said softly. "No, not really."
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's all right
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
"Pace…" Joey started putting her hand on his arm.
"And it's not anything that happened with Mama Sal," Pacey said, anticipating her question. "She can't do anything to me now… I know that… Even she knows that… It's just…" He stopped, his voice choking off.
"Let's sit," Joey said, taking his hand and leading him to the bench that sat in the yard. "Do you… Do you want me to call somebody. Dr. D?"
Pacey laughed slightly. "I just went to see him… I'm being stupid…"
"No!" Joey said insistently. "What's going on?"
"It's just… I saw you… and it's just… He hurt you, and…"
"And he hurt you," Joey said, understanding shining in her eyes. "But not just today… Pace, you have to stop holding it in. You just have to let it go. Really let it go. It's over. He's never going to hurt anyone again."
For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life, there are many oceans
And I hope I find the mean
"I don't know how…" Pacey said, his voice choking off. He placed his hands over his face and took a deep breath, fighting the tears.
"Just stop," Joey said gently. "Stop fighting it."
Pacey slowly lowered his hands and looked at Joey silently for a moment, many different emotions warring on his face. Finally his expression crumpled, a sound of pure pain breaking from him…and he let the tears come.
Joey put her arms around him and pulled him close to her. "It's going to be okay, Pace," She whispered reassuringly. "You're going to be all right. I'm going to be all right. We're going to be all right. All you have to do is believe it."
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's all right
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
"How do I do that?" Pacey murmured. "How can I… I don't know how to believe that…"
"I don't know, Pace," Joey said softly. "I wish I could help you to believe, but... I just… I know that I believe it. It's not always going to define you, you know. Those years? Eventually they'll fade."
"Fade?" Pacey said doubtfully.
"They'll just wash away, Pace. They'll fade away."
As if to emphasize her point, the wind blew the first drops of rain into their faces. They both looked up at the sky. "Looks like we're in for a storm," Pacey said, his voice almost detached.
"Spring cleaning," Joey said simply. Pacey looked back at her and smiled softly. "C'mon. I'll race you to the house."
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's all right
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years
"I don't think so," Pacey said, getting to his feet. He helped her to her feet and swung her into his arms. "After all, you have a head injury."
"And you have 15 stitches in your arm," Joey exclaimed, hitting him on the chest. "Put me down!"
"Tsk, tsk, tsk, Miss. Potter!" Pacey exclaimed jokingly as he started carrying her towards the house. "Hitting an injured man!"
Joey rolled her eyes. "Fine, but I'm not explaining to your parents how you ripped open your stitches!"
"You're a lightweight Potter. You're not even straining them!"
Joey shook her head, but she had to laugh. "You're forgetting your dog."
Pacey laughed. "No worries. CJ knows which side his bread is buttered on. If you'd look over my shoulder you'd see him nipping at my heels." Joey looked and sure enough the puppy was bounding happily after them. He had a little trouble with the stairs, but he was right behind them when Pacey opened the door and carried Joey into the house.
"Which side his bread is buttered on?" Joey asked, fighting back a smile.
"You don't like my analogy?" Pacey asked, feigning hurt.
"Oh no!" Joey exclaimed with a wink. "It's a great analogy! Really!"
"You know, for a concussion victim, you're an awful smart aleck, Potter!"
Joey laughed. "Yes I am. Now put me down!"
"As you wish," Pacey said. He lowered he slowly to the ground, her body brushing lightly against his. As her feet touched the ground, their eyes met and the laughter of the moment before was forgotten. Pacey raised a hand and touched her face gently. He ran his fingers down her cheek before tracing her lips.
"Pace…" Joey said softly, leaning towards him.
"MmHmm?" Pacey murmured.
"Nothing," she said, pressing closer to him. She put her arms around his neck and pulled him close. "Just kiss me."
Pacey hesitated for a moment, looking into her eyes uncertainly. It was almost as if he was fighting a battle in his mind… A battle between the pain and distrust of his past and the hope and trust that would give him a future.
And then he kissed her, giving all of himself… his complete trust, to her.
Joey sighed softly as his lips met hers, accepting what he offered and giving of herself, her own trust, in return. This was what it was all about. This is what she had been waiting for all her life. She parted her lips as Pacey deepened the kiss, warmth spreading through her.
"Jo," he whispered softly, his voice holding so much emotion that it almost hurt Joey to hear it. She leaned back and looked into his eyes and saw what she was feeling reflected there. She saw the love, the trust… the need and she knew what she wanted. What he wanted. She took his hand wordlessly and pulled him towards her room.
Pacey resisted slightly, knowing what she was thinking. "But, Bessie? Bodie?" He whispered uncertainly.
"They went to spend the night with Bodie's Mom," Joey said, her voice hushed.
"She left you alone after what happened today?" Pacey asked, surprised.
Joey shrugged. "Well, technically I'm staying with Dawson, but I wanted to be here in case you came to see me…"
"But still…" Pacey said uncertainly.
Joey stopped and looked at him, her gaze understanding. "I know what I want Pacey, but I don't want more than you're ready for… or more than I'm ready for…" Pacey gazed at her silently, his gaze thoughtful. "What do you want, Pacey?"
Pacey looked down and closed his eyes. He wanted her more than he had ever wanted anything in his life. "I just… I want to be close to you." He looked up, his eyes meeting hers. The force of his gaze sent a shiver of anticipation through Joey. "I want to lose myself in you."
Joey smiled softly. "Then come," she said, squeezing his hand.
Pacey smiled at her and stepped forward. Together they entered her room, closing the door behind them. Closing the door on the past.