Chapter Fifteen: A Special Talk
The house was silent after I had stopped crying. Too quiet in fact. Roland was gone, and I wouldn't see him again for two years. I got up from my bed, my legs feeling rather weak when they touched the floor. I was still solemn and silent, but I made my way downstairs. I hated being alone. I had already made up in my mind that if I was ever to die, then I would never die by myself.
I poked my head into the living room, and I saw Mum sitting on a couch, reading a book. "Mum?" I squeaked. She looked up from her book, and when she turned to me, she smiled sympathetically. I walked to her and she got up to meet me, but we met in an embrace.
"I'm sorry, Astrid," she said softly. "I should have told you Roland was leaving."
"It's all right," I replied, refusing to let go of her. "I'll find my way to a ship someday. I won't die until I see the ocean." She laughed her beautiful and light laugh, and I smiled.
"Tomorrow the tailor is coming to take your measurements," she said. "I want you to behave," she said, letting go of me.
"Yes, Mum. Where's Daddy?"
"Outside." With that, I ran off to find Dad. I opened the doors into the garden and saw him holding a sword. "Dad!" I yelled. His head turned to me, and he grinned. "I'm still ready for a lesson." There was a brief pause between us, and then he said happily,
"Go pick up your sword again. I'll teach you a few tricks of mine." I went quickly to retrieve my sword off of the lush grass. Once it was firmly in my hand, I grinned in excitement.
"When Roland comes back, I will be able to beat him in a duel easily."
The next morning I realized that I would never be able to challenge Roland to a duel again, and I would never get the chance to show off the new tricks Daddy taught me. No. I would never be able to do anything worthwhile for much longer. My life would be over soon because I found out that morning that I was dying.
The day before was already quite awful, and I wondered why I had to be told that I was dying first thing the next day. Roland had left, and I would have to find other ways to occupy myself. But that would not be necessary anymore. I was dying.
I was scared from the moment I woke up. I did not feel good for one, and my stomach hurt slightly. As soon as I got out of my bed, I realized that my white bed sheet was now stained with a spot of red. I knew what the crimson liquid was. It was blood.
Panic struck me and I grabbed the other side of my dress and pulled it far enough so I could see it. Sure enough, there was a wet, red splotch on it too. I felt my heart sink like a stone and my hands begin to shake. Why was I bleeding? I was perfectly fine the day before other than for the fact that Roland got to go on a sea voyage without me, but I was perfectly fine. How could I get so sick overnight that I would wake up with my bed sheets dotted with blood!
I was too frightened to call anyone for help and I ran to my dressing area quickly after locking my bedroom door. I needed to check if I had cut myself, which would explain why I was bleeding. I searched around, poking at myself and thinking of my life ending so soon. I found no cut. I was definitely dying of some new disease.
Worried and afraid, I undressed quickly and hid the stained clothing, so that no one would need to know I was dying. I didn't want to hurt anyone with the news, especially Mum and Dad. I knew something was seriously wrong with my health, but if I was going to die, I would die having no worry or fear in Mum and Dad's eyes.
I ran to my wardrobe and took out a navy blue dress and some underclothes. I began to dress myself hurriedly, but then I realized I was still bleeding. As I put my drawers on, a drop dripped on my hand, and I only fell back, feeling the tears well in my eyes. I stopped the tears from falling and agreed that maybe washing myself would stop the bleeding. I went over to my washroom and filled the tub with cold water, on account of the fact that I was too worried to wait for any hot water. I took a deep breath and plunged myself in my washtub hoping that the water would cleanse me of the sickness. It didn't.
Seeing that my bathing method did not work, I decided to give up and call for Maggie or Mum. Defeated and depressed, I walked back into my room and looked at the blue dress lying on the floor. I picked it up along with my underclothes and dressed myself. Now the tears were coming. Now I was crying because I would die soon, and I had not gone on a ship out to sea yet.
While I was slowly dressing myself due to my grief, I heard a soft knock on my door. "Astrid?" came a familiar voice. "Are you still asleep? Your governess will be arriving soon for your lessons." I recognized the voice, it was Mum. I was glad that she had come and not Maggie.
"I'm getting dressed!" I yelled back, trying to hide the hiccups from my weeping.
"But Maggie is downstairs. Are you dressing yourself?"
"Yes," I called back.
"Astrid," Mum said with concern. "Open this door. Why are you dressing yourself?"
"I don't want to come out!" I yelled back.
"Astrid! Open this door! Something is wrong."
"No, nothing is wrong!" I yelled back, quite angry with Mum now. I didn't want her to press further into my business. I knew she would be waiting outside for proof that I was fine, so I opened my door, and presented myself; all clad in my silly dress.
She greeted me with a strict glare and her lips were tight and growing thin from impatience. I only looked away glumly and walked down the stairs. "Astrid!" I heard her call again as I reached the last step.
"Yes, Mum!" I returned, trying to keep my temper.
"Something is wrong. If there is a problem, Astrid, you know you can always talk to me." I turned around, wanting to cry so badly.
"Mum," I said solemnly. "I'm dying. I woke up this morning and saw that I was bleeding… in…well…" I never got to finish because Mum interrupted my confession with a laugh. She laughed lightly and took my hand and walked me back into my room.
"Astrid," she said, smiling now. "You're not dying." My spirit lifted up, but I was still irritated by her laughter.
"Then why are you laughing at me?" I asked. It only made her laugh all the more.
"Go on, sit down. This is going to take a while to explain." I sat down on my bed and looked at her with confused eyes. What on earth could she explain to me that will ensure me that I was not dying?
It seems as though I will not die after all, at least, not so soon. I was utterly shocked with Mum's talk with me, but at least I know more than Roland does. Then again, I do not think he would want to know what I know.
She told me how to treat my bleeding whenever it would come, which she said would be monthly. I was quite content with that bit of information, but Mum went further and explained to me how people were made. I twitched slightly during her speech; the whole thing about baby-making a very new thing to me. When she finally finished her talk with me, I only looked at her with wide and blank eyes. She only replied with, "You'll understand as you get older, Astrid." And the talk was complete.
Lessons with my new governess were boring and useless as usual. I continued to learn what Miss Smith had started to teach me, but Miss Smith did not teach it anymore, to mine and everyone else's relief.
My instructive lessons were ended early, and for the rest of my class time, my new governess taught me how to sew. I found this skill quite boring, but helpful in a way. I would at least know how to repair my clothes if I ever made it out to sea. "Miss Astrid," she said softly, her voice as small and quiet as that of a mouse. I looked up from my sewing. "Your stitches are far too large. This is how they should look." She showed me her own stitches and they were indeed small. They were so small and fine that it was hard to tell where the lines of the strings were.
"They must be that tiny, Missus DeWitt?" I asked.
"Well, I have had many years of experience, Miss Astrid. Try to make yours smaller." I shrugged my shoulders and continued sewing, although I did my best in sewing smaller stitches. The results of my attempts were awful, and my fingertips bled slightly from the continuous poking of my needle. I wondered if I may ever learn how to sew properly.
"Why am I not learning more things having to do with academics?" I asked, as my lessons were close to ending for the day. "I usually did not spend much time on stuff like sewing." Missus DeWitt spoke plainly with me.
"As a growing lady, education will become less important and skills that have to do with helping around the house will."
"Why?"
"No man would like to marry a woman who is more intelligent than him, now would he?"
"That doesn't seem fair to me," I answered.
"That is just the way of life, Miss."
A maid entered the room to lead us downstairs to have tea with Mum. I tossed my sewing aside carelessly because I truly did not care about sewing. I followed behind Missus DeWitt as we walked down the stairs and into the parlor to sit with Mum.
As usual, we were greeted with her hospitable and glowing smile. We exchanged greetings and took our seats and nibbled on freshly baked goods and sipped the hot, sweet liquid. If I wasn't in the mood for some refreshments, I would have fallen asleep during Mum's and Missus DeWitt's conversation.
Their voices droned on and on, seeming to have no end, and I was caught in the middle of it. I had no clue of what they were talking about, but that was the least of my worries. If I was asked a question, I would just smile and nod in agreement, which eventually made them take their attention off me.
I had done the mistake of yawning without covering my mouth or saying, "Excuse me," and Missus DeWitt was able to spot it in a flash. "Miss Astrid," she said strongly, but not quite enough to be mean. She was too nice and boring to be callous. "Please cover your mouth next time you yawn. It is improper." I nodded lazily at her and yawned again, this time following her rule.
"Astrid, do not tell me you are tired," Mum said. "Energy is usually bubbling inside you right about now."
"It's not the same now that Roland is gone," I answered. I stood up and nodded at them both. "May I be excused?" I asked.
"Of course, Astrid," Mum replied. I remembered to curtsy for them before leaving and as soon as I was out of site, I heaved an exasperated sigh and slumped my shoulders.
Life was too boring without Roland. Daddy was not always home early enough to continue my fencing lessons, so I was left to wander around the house or stay in my room. Either way, there was still nothing to do. I could not go outside, because what would I play outside by myself? It was not the same playing with imaginary people, in fact, it felt utterly stupid. I figured that if life continued this way for the next two years (or year and a half, according to Dad), I would be a lazy, pedantic and proper girl. I shuddered at the thought. I promised myself right then that I would not become the formal and spoiled growing girl because if I did, I would be too similar to evil Alexandra Westley. And that would not be a good thing.