Chapter 29: Burdens, Boredom and Bad Luck
It was late January. The new year had begun rather bleakly, with really naught to look forward to. After the excitement of Christmas, came the dreary period of utter boredom, which Roland and I shared so that neither of us would end up completely mad with the feeling. Adam would come along every now and then, but he was busy training with his father. He would be testing to be a Lieutenant in the upcoming months. And his sister, Stephanie, had become quite affixed to Roland, and the two began to be seen as a couple. She'd stop by the house sometimes as well, but it was usually Roland who went to the Locke residence. Needless to say, my brother had healed quite well since his torn relationship with Alexandra.
Adam's focus on training for a position as Lieutenant only worked to Stephen's advantage. Thankfully, I hadn't heard from Stephen for about a two months and I was glad that he wasn't around to visit me anymore. But all that came tumbling down.
On precisely January the twenty-eighth, in the afternoon, an unexpected knock came from the front doors, and the doorman answered it. I was out in the gardens at that time, reading more about the British Navy, and Roland was not in the house, he having gone off with Stephanie to have a "good" time. It was a sudden surprise when the doorman came out into the gardens, calling my name.
"Miss Turner! Miss Turner!" he cried, poking his head about in the greenery to find where I was. Lifting my head from my book, I stood up from the bench I sat on and revealed myself to the doorman.
"Yes, Peter?" I answered.
"Miss, you have a visitor," he stated, and I simply shrugged my shoulders and followed him back into the house, my book wedged under my arm.
As I walked in, I predicted that the visitor was probably Adam or some person wishing to see Mum and Dad. But my postulation was entirely incorrect. After having two months in peace without Stephen, I found him standing by the doorway, a smile on his well-molded face and three boxes in his arms. I gulped and approached him with much caution. "Good day, Miss Turner," he said, bowing to me.
"Good day to you also, Mister Westley," I managed, curtsying through my quaking limbs. "I trust that you had a fine holiday celebration."
"I did," he replied. "My family and I took a ship to my Uncle's estate on the Hispaniola Island. It was a fine trip actually. But things could have always been better."
"Of course they can," I said courteously, but his smile had not lifted and he was beginning to make me feel very uncomfortable. "Any reason in particular as to why you are here?"
"Oh, yes," he said. "I almost forgot. I came to deliver some… belated Christmas presents to your family." A thin smile happened to surface my face anyway. What his family was doing for us was very thoughtful.
"Thank you, Mister Westley," I said softly, hoping not to seem too excited at the gifts. I took a step forward and he handed the boxes to me, saying which one was designated for who. The last box he handed to me was mine.
I called for Peter to take the other boxes and place them in the living room where Mum, Dad, and Roland would be sure to see them. When Peter had gone, Stephen insisted that I open the box. "Here," I said, keeping my hand from prying open the lid. "Why don't we open this outside in the gardens? I can sit down then, and opening the box would be easier than trying to open it while standing," I suggested, without even thinking about how Stephen interpreted the situation.
"Of course, my lady," he replied, and he offered me his arm to take. I looked at it with uncertainty in my eyes. I had made the mistake of being too friendly with him before, and Adam was very disappointed. I would not let it happen again.
But Stephen had done no wrong to me. All he had been was polite, considerate and formal whenever he visited me. It would be wrong to deny any of his reasonable requests. I took his arm with an awkward smile, and out to the gardens we went.
I led him to the bench I was sitting on when I was interrupted from my reading and together we sat down, side by side. I placed the book that had been lodged under my arm beside me, and laid the box in my lap. "What could it possibly be?" I asked, perhaps too teasingly. He laughed and laid his hand over mine.
"Why don't you go on and see for yourself?" I looked at him, trying so hard to decipher what he could possibly be thinking, but it was useless. The man had a brilliance about him that prevented any mind from figuring out who he really was. I sighed and slipped my hand away from his, regardless of the fact that his hand on mine was very comforting. I remembered my Adam.
Filled with doubt and worry towards where my connection with Stephen Westley would take me, I took off the lid and stared impassively in the dark cavity of the box. A soft gasp found its way out of my mouth and I was overcome with joy.
Contained in the cube were an atlas and several maps of the Caribbean and also the World. With it also came a handful of new and very fine navigating tools, including a golden compass that had its own gold chain to hang from. "Thank you, Stephen!" I shouted, already jumping from my seat. "How… how did you know I desired these?"
"You think that when you spoke to me during my visits that I was never listening, Astrid?" he answered, a dash of the all too apparent egoism in his voice. "You are not the only one fascinated by the sea. Your dream of having your own adventures out on the raging blue main intrigued me. I thought that these materials would help prepare you for such a voyage." I was speechless for a moment, still gawking at the wonderful items that I could now call my own.
"These are wonderful, Stephen. Thank you, oh so very much!" I had lost touch with decorum once again and was flouncing about in happiness. Maybe Stephen was intent on winning my heart, but I knew he never would. I was already very content with Adam. I had no desire to—It occurred to me then that he was watching me with that eerie twinkle in his eyes again and I stopped my celebrating and tried to act like a lady again. "Sorry," I muttered.
"Oh no, Astrid. Express your extreme gratification. I would not want to be the one who restrains you from doing so," he said earnestly, standing up to face me. Now that he stood in front of me, I knew I had grown a bit, for now I was not at his shoulder any more. I was a good two or three inches above it now.
"You really don't mind?" I questioned, remembering that ladies were advised not to express their deep feelings so openly, especially in front of men. It allowed us to be manipulated too easily, and for me, that would not be a good thing, for I was already very green as it were.
"Not at all," he responded. "You really must be more like yourself around me, Astrid. I'd hate to keep you caged in that body of yours because you are expected to act like a fine lady, which you are, but do I not know you well enough to see that you enjoy what freedom is given to you?" He had his way with words, I had to admit. Was it a bad thing to ever be too charming?
"There are many things you do not know about me, Stephen," I said, too stupid to realize where the conversation was going. If only I knew what would happen next, perhaps I would have kept my mouth shut.
"When will you tell me all your secrets, Astrid?" he said softly, stepping all the more closer to me. Stricken dumb and frozen in place, I looked straight into his mesmerizing eyes and must have had the more whorish side of me activated.
"When you tell me all yours," I replied with the same mysteriousness, again without thinking. It surprised me how stupid I was in the most dangerous of situations.
"Where would you like me to begin?" he said, gently stroking my jaw line with his thumb. I tensed at his touch but was very close to surrendering to his spell. Be a good girl, Astrid. Don't let him do anything to you that is beyond friendship. It was too late though; my mind was getting clouded because of the flighty feeling rousing in me, and I felt his face coming all the more closer to mine.
Betrayal was what I would have been guilty of if I hadn't had a flash in my mind of Adam's piercing and concerned blue eyes. I pulled myself out of my daze and opened my eyes to meet the very intent stare of Stephen Westley. "I can't," I whispered, pushing his nearing lips away from mine with a finger. "I'm promised to Adam, and he's been very good to me. Please, understand." His eyelids hooded his blue eyes for a brief moment before he looked back at me. By the look on his face, I knew his pride was far from being punctured.
"Very well, Miss Turner," he said. "I respect your wishes, and I bid you farewell." He stepped away and bowed down. I thought he was going to take my hand and kiss it as usual, but he didn't. And he left without a double glance.
"You are in a very bad mess, Astrid," I said to myself, as I sat down miserably onto the bench again. I buried my face in my hands and thought long and hard about what on earth I could do to protect both Stephen and Adam from undeserved pain.
The months flew by very quickly, and before I knew it, we had reached magnificent March. And everyday that passed, I missed another chance to run out to sea. Of course, as Dad said some fine September ago, the opportune moment would come. He just failed to mention whether it would come soon.
Needless to say, after my refusal to kiss Stephen, our relationship somewhat crumbled. He came by less often, but he still seemed oddly intent to be with me. At times, I would think that he had forgiven me for resisting his advances, but he never was as carefree or considerate around me anymore. His guard was never down, nor did he ever take the chance to seem less proud. I presumed that nothing would ever dampen the man's hubris.
Many times in my head I had come to a decision to tell Mum about my problems with Adam and Stephen, but whenever she asked if anything was wrong, I couldn't spit out what I had tried so hard to say. I wondered why, and I guess it was because I feared that she wouldn't understand, or that she'd get angry with me for having interactions with two different men. Of course, I was only a friend to Stephen. I never demonstrated anything more than friendly affection with him, unlike with Adam. The only problem was that Stephen wanted to break that line, and I didn't, or hoped not to.
I was moping about the house again, thinking, muttering, and sliding down the stair banister. Roland was out with Stephanie, Adam was with his father at the docks, Mum was going out to have tea with a friend, Dad was in his shop, Stephen was at the fort drilling, and I was stuck in this house burdening over my dilemmas. My feet hit the floor in a loud 'clap' and I stood up, sighing unhappily. "Will there ever be anything worth doing in this place!" I yelled, waving my arms in the air. Silence was my answer, and I accepted the reply and stormed off to my room.
Gathering up my navigating tools and maps, I ran back down the stairs and treaded over to the gardens. In a frustrated breath, I dumped the items onto the grass and joined them, lying down on my stomach with my chin in my hand. The day was very fine. Everything was bathed in glorious golden sunlight and the air was not so heavy with moisture and heat. "To think I'm spending such a wonderful day as a prisoner in my own home. Everyone goes off and gets to have fun outside while I'm left here to rot," I grumbled, trying to use a compass properly without getting too discouraged. I was overjoyed when Stephen gave me the gifts, but I never realized how difficult it would be to operate them and I was too embarrassed to ask for help.
The grass brushed its prickly fingers on my bare forearms, and before I knew it, I was scratching my skin repeatedly and pink blotches were on my skin. Even nature was being mean to me that day. I did my best to breathe while lying down on the ground, considering that my corset was still on and it would be very difficult to breathe normally with so much pressure around my lungs. My fellow human society must have thought that women who could barely breathe were attractive, and I begged to differ. At least there were no tiny flies buzzing about to annoy every open space of one's body. That's North, South, East and West. And that is probably all I will ever acquire from these things, I thought. My failure to learn anything or to mystify myself with these things moved me to toss the materials away and I was left to swim in boredom again.
"Astrid!" came a distant call. "Astrid!" I moaned inside and rolled onto my back and then onto my feet.
"Yes?" I returned, dragging my lazy feet back into the house. It made me sad to leave such a peaceful bit of scenery for the dreariness of a house I was all too familiar with. Then again, even out in the gardens the tedium would get to me.
"Come have tea with your mother," it said.
"Mum?" I asked, walking into the house with vague amusement and confusion. She had told me that she was going to have tea with a friend.
"Yes, Astrid. In the parlor." My steps quickened as I searched for my destination and once I was there, Mum sat in a chair, a cup of tea in her hands.
"I thought—"
"Sit," she commanded, and I sat, of course, not without grabbing a biscuit first. I was about to put the pastry to my mouth when Mum spoke again about something that took me by surprise. "Is anything wrong? By the look on your face and your wrinkled forehead, I assumed you were in deep thought wherever you were." My teeth locked onto the biscuit, but Mum's eyes remained on me.
Tell her how bored you are. Tell her how Stephen wants more than friendship from you but that you also do not want to disappoint Adam. For God's sake, ya idiot, tell her everything! "No," I said quietly, and I took another bite of the treat with a disappointed look on my face. Why can't I tell her anything! Why! Why! Mum looked away from me and focused on her own meal, but it was clear that she, too, was irked by some unknown matter, for her smile had diminished and her face was tight.
The room fell into silence and I continued to nibble on my biscuit like a mouse with cheese. For some odd reason, I had lost my appetite, and I drifted off into thinking over the problems that my tongue would not permit me to say aloud. But my own consciousness lost the battle when I nearly choked on my biscuit when Mum slammed her teacup on the table.
"Astrid," she said, seemingly calm after her sudden burst of rage. I faced her, eyes wide and terrified, and I began to wonder how many other secrets my mother had, for her outbursts were an extremely rare thing. "How long do you expect me to believe that everything is positively fine in your perfect world?" I swallowed, the biscuit going down my throat in a sticky and coarse mess.
"I'm sorry, Mum," I said, looking down. "I know that I have been able to tell you about many things, but this… this is different."
"How so?" she questioned. "Having anything to do with Stephen's visits and your desire to still please him while remaining loyal to Adam? Hmm?" she proposed, raising her eyebrows at me with a look that exclaimed, "I am your mother and I know everything." At that, my pastry fell from my hand onto the floor, my body frozen in place and mouth gaping.
"C-Can I ask y-you something f-first?" I stuttered, still baffled that she could analyze her daughter's behavior so well. I knew that when I became a mother that I would never know what went on in my children's minds.
"Go ahead," she replied.
"How did you know and did you ever experience something similar to this?" She took a sip of her tea, looking at me from the rim of her cup.
"I suspected something was wrong for a very long time, Astrid. It never went unnoticed to me how many times Stephen came to visit you and how you would brood about the house after his visits. You never do that unless something very important is on your mind. Sadly, I was never lucky enough to undergo a similar situation in my own life. Nonetheless, you will receive my help. I am your mother and I don't want you to sulk over such matters, Astrid. At least, not so much." She smiled her brilliant smile, and her honest interest in my troubles moved me to finally speak.
After informing her about Stephen's visits, his true objectives and his attempt to kiss me, I looked at Mum with caution, fearing what she would have to say about her daughter being revealed into too much carnality. "Well," she sighed, setting the dainty piece of china carefully onto the table. "Two boys want your hand, but you are only devoted to one but you do not want to hurt the other. Is that true?"
"Yes."
"Very well. From now on you will take daily strolls about the town with Roland, Astrid, after your lessons with Missus DeWitt. You said that Stephen comes by during the early afternoons, correct?" I nodded and she went on. "A good two or three hours you should spend in the town before you should come back. Therefore, if Stephen comes to visit you during that time, you will not be around to speak with him. I am sure he will not be hurt and I am sure he will still manage to see you a few times, but not as often as before. Hopefully that will make his clear obsession over you dwindle."
"What if it doesn't?" I asked, just to spoil Mum's convincing plan.
"It will," she replied, knowing that I posed the question just to annoy her. "Now, is that all you were troubling over?" I smirked in embarrassment and looked at her, tea cup in hand.
"Yes." She shook her head from side to side, her golden hair swaying with her.
"Astrid," she sighed. "You never cease to amaze me. Now, there is something very important I must talk to you about."
"What?" I wondered.
"Missus DeWitt is getting married at the end of April. And you will not have finished your lessons yet." I gulped, knowing where the conversation would go, and the panicky feeling was rousing in my gut. "Because of that, I must assign another governess to you, and the only other governess in the town is—"
"No!" I burst. "Please, Mum. No, no, no, please, dear God, no. Don't employ the witch again. Don't bring Miss Abigail Smith back into my already boring and problem-filled life." I had fallen to my knees, begging at her feet to stop what I knew was coming. "Please, Mummy. I beg you don't. Please, please? Can't I just finish my lessons a month early? Can't you cut it off? It's only a month. Please, please, please?" Mum laughed lightly and motioned for me to get back on my feet. I did, although I still did not feel better.
"I spoke with Miss Smith, Astrid. And she made it clear that she would not want to waste any of her time teaching you again, even for a month. Both of you have the same distaste for each other. But, she will teach you a little bit more, and she has agreed to a final test on your birthday to issue if you have completed your lessons well enough or not."
"What? A test?"
"Yes, a test. She has not explained the whole concept yet to me, but she will as soon as she comes back to teach you. Now, I ask of you, Astrid, to please do your best around her. Many of her pupils have ended up with fine matches to fine men, and I wish that also from you. I do not want you to have to take a few more months of governess lessons after your fifteenth birthday, Astrid. If you do well on the exam, you will never have another governess… ever."
"No governess? Ever again?" I repeated, the thought of good, deserved freedom escalating up my spine.
"No governess." I threw my hands up to the air and mouthed a 'thank you' and fell back onto the couch I sat on, giggling internally. Perhaps the few weeks with Miss Abigail would be worth it. But, there was one thought still on my mind. What test could she possibly have for me?