Chapter 36: One More Disaster
The books were closed for the last time. I was free from having a governess ever again in my life.
It was late summer, and Roland still could not go out to sea. His ship, the H.M.S Paramount, was still in need of repair. Rumor around the harbor though, foretold the arrival of the massive British warship to arrive in less than a month, perhaps even in a week's time. Roland would be gone again. I wasn't sure if Adam would be gone too, or Murray, or any other lad I knew for that matter. The only thing I knew was that I would not go with them.
The welcoming party and dinner for Captain Locke had ended about two weeks ago. Adam spoke to me shortly thereafter, and he confessed some astonishing information to me. He told me he still loved me, and the ironic thing was that I was in denial of my attraction to him for so long that I never told him I still loved him when he ordered me to. And yet, he came up to me and firmly said that he still loved me, right to my face, looking me in the eye with grave seriousness and a hint of happiness. Adam had not changed one bit. I had.
It was not long after he confessed to me, did he break his courtship with Meredith. He did not tell me how she reacted, but by the way he put things, she was not happy. Adam was very open about his true intentions to me. One of the first things he said to me after he revealed his deep liking was that he wanted to marry me one day. I laughed when he said that. I called him foolish, but he only smiled in reply saying, "People do foolish things when they are in love, Astrid."
Although he informed me of his love for me, I never said I loved him back. Of course, by the way I lit up at his sight and squealed with joy when he took me around town, I was certain he knew I adored him as well. And therefore, our horrible argument and my almost lethal fall into the ocean resulted in our reunion, which was definitely most agreeable and acceptable. My Adam was mine again. The question now was if I would ever be Adam's.
On one unfortunate morning on precisely September the eighteenth, a visitor came to our home, asking for me. Mother was present, as was Roland, and Dad was at his shop. And so I came from Grandfather's study to greet the visitor, and when I presented myself, the familiar and enchanting smile of Stephen Westley sent the shiver up my spine again. "Miss Turner," he began, "it is good to see you again."
"As I am with you, Mister Westley." He bowed, I curtsied, and he approached me with the growing twinkle in his eyes.
"I came to ask you if you would mind taking a walk with me around the town." I thought for a moment, speechless of his offer and tried to remember what Adam and Daddy had always told me: to analyze my situation before making any rash and stupid decision. If I went with Stephen, Adam might spot us and be angry with me again. But I liked Stephen… as a friend. He was always very good to me and to decline his harmless offer would only make me appear very cruel and heartless in his beautiful blue eyes. I was not an unkind beast, and I would not portray a false image of myself to Stephen. A simple walk was all we'd do. We'd talk with each other, as usual, and I'd keep my distance.
"That would be lovely, Mister Westley," I answered, curtsying slightly again.
"I beg you not call me Mister Westley one more time, Astrid," he laughed. "You know me well enough to address me by Stephen, do you not?"
"I suppose so, Mister—I mean, Stephen." He smiled at me and bumped my chin up so that I faced him better, and in that moment, I realized what a stupid decision I had made.
After receiving Mum's hesitant, but confirmed yes, Stephen and I stepped out of the house and into the wild streets of town. Desperately, I tried to remind myself that taking the walk would do neither of us any harm, but Stephen's constant winking and strangely overjoyed personality were making me awfully uncomfortable. I knew he would do nothing to hurt me, but he always got his way. I was afraid I would submit to his unfathomable wishes whether I liked it or not.
For a while, we just wandered through the streets, talking mainly about the arrival of the H.M.S Paramount. He was nice enough to inform me of some key parts of a ship and life on it. At the harbor, he pointed out the names of each mast on a ship, and categorized a ship based on its size, number of guns, and all the other characteristics, whether it be a large warship, frigate, or a merchant's ship. I grew to admire his smooth way of speaking and how confident and steady his voice sounded every time he came to tell me something. Indeed he was a very smart young man, perhaps too smart, especially for me.
When our scrutiny of the harbor was complete, we did not go back to the streets of the town as I expected. Instead, he brought me to the shore, and led me away from the busy noises of society and to a more concealed area: a part of the white sand beach that was infested with several palms and other sorts of shrubbery. "Where are you taking me, Stephen?" I asked one time, unable to keep the question to myself any longer.
"Just to a lagoon I found as a boy. It's absolutely beautiful, and it will also be a superb spot to cool off in the hot sun as well." The thought of getting away from the blasted sun put a smile on my face. My itchy dress was already glued to my skin because of the sweat that seeped through my pores and I felt as if my nose was red from being burnt from the sun. My fan had gone useless a very long time ago, and now I was very eager to finally reach this lagoon of Stephen's.
"How much farther?" I asked, practically dragging my feet through the sand. The sunrays acted as translucent beams of fire that burned your skin and made you sweat like no tomorrow. My throat was dry and my mind was drifting, but I held on for Stephen's sake.
"Not far," he answered, and I tripped over the root of some tree and landed face first onto the sand, and because my face was covered with sticky sweat, the sand easily coated it in coarse saltiness. "Astrid!" laughed Stephen, turning back to help me. "Here. Would you like me to carry you the few steps we need to take to get there?" he joked.
"No, I'm fin—" It was too late. He picked me up anyway and after two large strides through bright green vegetation, I heard the relaxing trickle of water. Gently setting me on the ground, Stephen walked about the edge of the lagoon, as if examining it. While he did that, I took the time to dip my hands in the water and their brilliant cold sent a well-earned shiver up my spine. Not delaying a moment longer, I washed my sand-covered face with the water. It was so deliciously cool and refreshing, I felt like taking a swim, but after learning that it was Mum's dress that nearly made me drown the day I fell from the fort, I decided to stay on dry land. I was too much of a landlubber now.
When I looked up from washing my face, I found Stephen wading in the water. He had taken off his coat, vest and stockings, and was now dressed in just his britches and shirt. My mouth dropped in surprise but I immediately cast my glance somewhere else. It was highly inappropriate for me to gawk at a young man like that, but Stephen seemed far too pleased with himself, for he was certainly very attractive in his loose clothes. I shook away the obvious temptation and just roamed about the sand, trying my best not to look at him. "I think I can go back now," I said to him, my face looking at the ground. He laughed and I couldn't help but look up to meet his stare.
"Nonsense, Astrid," he said. "The cold water would do you good." Indeed it would, I thought, but quickly shook the thought away and just sat on the sand, carefully taking off my stockings and shoes and dipping just my feet into the water. Stephen was still watching me and I saw him shake his head a bit, but I shrugged it off. He was welcome to think what he'd like.
"How did you come across such a nice place?" I asked.
"I found it while taking one of my past suitors around the shore. She said she wanted to look for seashells, so I went with her, and we stumbled upon this place." Oh dear. Did they do anything more other than looking for seashells when they found this place? "Are you sure you are not hot anymore?"
"Yes. Of course. I could very well…" I lost my voice was Stephen waded through the water towards me, chuckling lightly to himself, or perhaps to me. "…I could very well go back to town, with you as my escort of course, and—" Stephen cupped his hands and threw a handful of water at my face, causing me to stop speaking once again. He laughed and I heard a few chortles coming through my nose as well.
"Is that how you treat a lady, Stephen?" I asked, getting up and venturing further into the water with him. "By splashing water on her?" I whacked the surface of the water with my hand and water sprayed onto Stephen's face. He blocked it with crossed arms and I only laughed in reply and tried desperately to get out of the water, for I knew he'd quickly counter attack with more splashes of his own.
"Not with just any lady," he replied, kicking water at my turned back. "With you only."
"Well, I guess that does not give me much incentive to fight fair, now does it?" I said, turning around and kicking the water along with him. My dress was absorbing the splashes like a sea sponge and it began to weigh me down terribly. I had no choice but to get rid of it, for I enjoyed my game with Stephen and it would be a shame to end it because of my stupid dress.
Excusing myself from our fun, I returned to the shore and unpinned the back of my dress, completely and stupidly unaware that I was in the presence of a young bachelor as Stephen. By the time I noticed his eyes on my corseted back, my request for him to turn around was too late. With a burning face, I continued to take off my dress, and Stephen was a good lad and turned around, but he still saw what no unmarried man should have seen. At least I was still wearing my corset that covered my chest and back, and the skirt of my underclothes would keep him from seeing anything other than my feet, the naughty lad.
Freed at last from my heavy dress, I returned to the water, and Stephen welcomed me with a splatter of water on my face. While I tried to dry my face with the frilly sleeve of my under-dress, he grabbed my waist, put my hand in his, and playfully began to dance a slow waltz with me in the water. I was caught completely by surprise and felt very flattered that he was dancing with me in such a queer situation. "This is very nice of you," I said, a smile surfacing my lips.
"No need to thank me, Astrid. This is all for you." I turned my head to the side, away from his sure to be sparkling eyes, for I was too embarrassed to look at him while we danced.
As we twirled in unison, my foot slipped over a rock in the sand, and I stumbled into him, almost making both of us fall into the water. Thankfully, he prevented me from humiliating myself further and caught me in a tight embrace. "Are you all right?" he asked softly, tilting my chin up towards him. I gulped and laughed nervously as I tried to stand in a comfortable position again. He eased his tight embrace for me, but only enough so that I still remained very close to him. Sly, sly Stephen.
"Yes, I think…" He beamed and leaned his head towards me and kissed my cheek. I giggled like a wee girl, and I almost wanted to slap myself after realizing I had enjoyed his sign of affection. Stop it, Astrid. You have control over the situation. Tell Stephen that you…
"You are divinely beautiful, Astrid," he said, holding my face with his hands. I had no choice but to look back at him and he looked divinely handsome himself.
"Stephen, I—" He cut me off with a kiss that swept through me and left me breathless after he parted his lips from mine.
"You what?" he replied, prepared to kiss me again. His spell had worked. I was mesmerized by his ability to woo me so easily and his glimmering blue eyes made me feel as if I was in a day dream. A very good day dream.
"I…" For some odd reason, I began to feel drowsy, and my closing eyelids were cutting off my vision. My vision was blurring into bright and hurtful fantasies and the last thing I saw approaching me was Stephen's mouth. Something warm wrapped around my lips again and I was engulfed into a dark world of betrayal and impermanent bliss.
"My, my," came a hideous cackle. "This is a splendid surprise indeed, wouldn't you say so, brother?" Dear God. It's Alexandra! I was struck with a lightning rod of brutal reality and regret and pulled myself away from Stephen, ready to spit out excuse after excuse, but I couldn't. When I opened my eyes to meet the pleased and wicked face of Alexandra Westley, I caught the expressionless and rigid visage of Adam. She knew, I thought, burning inside with an urge to lunge at her and tear her apart, but she wasn't the one who needed to get hurt. It was me. Me. She knew… She knew…She knew Stephen would take me here and she managed to convince Adam that I…I…went stupidly with him. Something aroused in my gut and my heart was suddenly twisted in a choking grip of taunting regret. I let out a terrible cry and my legs wanted to sink into the water and trap me in the cool but dark liquid that had only one intention for me, and that was to drown me in my own regret.
"Adam," I yelled. He didn't even look at me and flew off like a freshly fired cannonball and fled swiftly from my range of vision. "Adam! Please!" I stumbled through the water to get my dress and sloppily dressed myself. I only managed to pin the bottom half of my dress over my back, for lack of time. Adam was still running somewhere, but most importantly, he was running away from me again because I had betrayed him. Astrid! You filthy little whore! Why? Why can't you do anything right! With tears already well on their way down my face I sprinted away from that dreaded lagoon, away from Stephen's bewildered face, away from Alexandra's ceaseless laughter, and away from my own wicked infidelity.
I ran as fast as my legs and damned dress would allow me. But I soon found Adam walking miserably on the streets, most likely trying to get home. I ran after him, calling his name aloud and revealing to him my futile pursuit. He heard my voice and spun his head back ferociously, and in less than a second, he was off again, running like a swift bird trying to elude my explanation.
It was certain that the people on the streets were giving me bad looks at my unsightly state, but I cared not. I would lose Adam again if I did nothing. I had to find him and explain things to him, but I doubt he would allow me to explain. But my legs continued to move. I didn't know what my mind was thinking that allowed me to continue moving forward, when I was really getting nowhere. It was clear that Adam hated me to the core, but I still wanted to prove my love to him so badly. Despite the fact that Adam would surely ignore anything I said did not stop me from running after him. What silly hope did I have that he would accept me again? He was getting far from my view now, and I knew he was going to his house, for I recognized the route he was taking. My mind was clear enough of my worries and fears to know a couple of shortcuts to Adam's house. Dangerous they would be, for they would lead me through some indecent grounds, but it was worth it for him.
While he dodged left, I changed my course and went through a narrow alleyway and through a couple more. Adam's neighborhood was very close. I could see the large, black roofs of the grand homes around where he lived. I was close. I'd meet him in time.
My heart was pounding and my legs were aching from such a long run. The sleeve of my dress was slipping off my left shoulder, making me appear more of a God damn whore, and all the while, I could not stop my sobbing. I did not want to lose my Adam. I loved him still so much. My eyes were smeared with a layer of shameful tears and they would not stop falling. Every second my feet moved all the more closer to an impossible destination, the more I wept, the more I recalled the dear memories I shared with him: memories that were about to fall from their glass and shatter into a million broken pieces that would never mend. I'm so sorry, Adam. I truly am. Please, please don't leave me. Please…
I saw the door to his house near, and to my dismay, he was still ahead of me. His blond hair glimmered in the sunlight as he trudged closer and closer to his place of sanctuary and farther away from me. I had to stop him from locking himself in his house and leaving me outside to wonder and decay, but it would be impossible for me to catch up with him. But I had to do something! I had to! I had to! "You love this man, correct, Astrid?" I asked myself. "Of course I do. I do. I do. I do. I'd do anything for him." Then run as if he's about to die and leave you behind… forever.
"Adam!" I wailed, picking up speed. Dear God, how I love you. Don't go. I beg you don't go, dammit! His feet were treading up his driveway. No. How I wanted to fall on all fours and kiss his blessed steps! His gentle, loving hand was on the door. No! The doors were parting, ready to close and form an indestructible barrier between us. "NO!" I screamed, as I staggered on his property and ran desperately to him. His body contracted and trembled with my intrusion, but I persisted.
"Sod off my damn property, you filthy whore!" he shouted in reply, turning to me with eyes ablaze and a wet cheek. He pointed an accusing finger at me, his tone merciless and brutally harsh.
"Adam, please!" I pleaded.
"Shut up! God dammit, Astrid!" he roared, kicking at the dirt and approaching me with fierce aggression. "Damn you, you dirty little piece of—"
"Adam, I'm sorry! Please, stop it! Stop, please. I'm begging you! Let me explain!" My knees were failing me, being struck by a pain that could have never been compared to physical pain from the rod. He rushed forward and slapped me hard on my face with the same gentle, loving hand I held so dearly in the past. Memories were too powerful, and I toppled over onto the hard dirt of his driveway, weeping hysterically.
"Why the hell should I let you explain? There's nothing to explain! I saw with my own eyes you willingly locking lips with that son of a bitch, Stephen, as if what I did for you meant nothing! Nothing!"
"It wasn't like that. I… I…" My nose was dripping, my face was throbbing, and in my mind the words echoed incessantly to taunt me until I went mad.
"You what?" he demanded, unleashing the words in terrible rage.
"I'm so sorry," I wept, burying my face in my hands as I knelt on the ground before his feet. "It is never my intent to hurt you, Adam. I just… I—" I reached for his hands, but he shoved me away, nearly kicking me aside with his leg.
"Enough with the damn excuses!" he yelled. "I'm the world's greatest idiot if I will even take the time to listen to your filthy lies any longer! Get up on your feet, and get off my family's property," he growled, hauling me up on my feet forcefully and pushing me away from him with a face of disgust.
"Adam, please…"
"Oh shut the hell up, you God damn bitch!" he screamed. "Go and burn in hell for God's sake!" He stalked off into his house, shutting the door so furiously that I thought the earth would crack and split, but it wasn't his world that shook with an intention to break. Mine was being sawed in half right before my blurring eyes. All I could do was howl uncontrollably as I fought to get myself on my feet again. But I couldn't. All I felt like doing was crying until my eyes were dry and broken, and my lungs could not withhold the terrible sobs any longer. Adam had slipped out of my grasp once again, like sand through my fingers, and I doubt this time, he'd come back to me. Oh Adam, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry… Please come back. Come back. I'm sorry I was so bad. I am. Please… take me back…