Uhm, whatever. Hey. This is me, Vaish, the author of this story.
I've named this story "I think it was the best"
The pairing is slashificious (two males in a romantic relationship with EACH OTHER; maaan, that's just SICK!); Remus/Sirius, so BE WARNED.
Rating: T. Will not increase as this is completed (fourshot?).
Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns them... Yup.
Summary: Remus and Sirius never had an easy relationship.
I think it was the best
It is a few days since Sirius arrived at Remus' doorstep; it's also just a few days until school starts. They are doing fine. But not fine enough. They're having the mother of all fights.
Sirius hates Remus for being so slow, so boring, and his change of mood is worse than a teenage girl in her period.
Remus hates Sirius for being so immature, so violent, and the calling he has: to always try and make him jealous.
They're so different. And difference attracts, but in many ways. A relationship built on such deep love is strong, but a relationship built on both hate and love, is a mess. And Remus' and Sirius' relationship is a mess, and has been since fifth year. The fights were more random at that point, not so often to occur. Not like now.
They use to break up about twice a month.
This time they do too. Sirius leaves, angry. Remus stays, angry.
That night it's full moon.
Next morning Remus wakes up in the arms of Sirius Black, the one person he hates and loves with the same passion. The other whispers apologies to him, promising never to leave again, saying, I love you, love you so much, never leave you, can't live without you, love you. Remus repeats the words, even though both know the words are empty, it feels better.
"I do hate you", Sirius murmurs and stares at the roof, he winces a bit when Remus moves closer.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too."
The storm that has raged the whole day and the whole night has ceased. A fresh breeze is catching Remus' hair as he walks out to get a general view of the storm's destruction. It's bad, but could've been a lot worse, seeing as his house is still standing, thank heavens. Thank heavens also for Sirius, who had chosen the most perfect time to arrive, right in time for tidying up.
A dripping wet Sirius is all I need on a day like this, he had thought last night, but now he thinks it's ok. Sirius will dry up. And help him with the garden, and that big tree that has fallen over and destroyed the fence and blocked the path. Remus grumbles and hearing footsteps inside, "so he's awake at last…", he turns from the minefield that once was his garden, and goes inside.
By all means, Remus does not care whether Sirius sleeps or is awake. And as he comes across Sirius in the kitchen, he has to mentally kick himself to stop himself from demanding him to go to bed again, to get his beauty sleep. Sirius do look terrible.
Not as terrible as last night, luckily, when his messy hair were hanging in front of his face like a curtain, he was soaked and shivering cold. He told Remus, please can I stay- or it's an order from Dumbledore, I mean, he said I should stay, but if you hate me that's okay, and I'll go, I know I just can't barge in like that, when everything is like it this, you know-
It was a lot more. Remus was patient. And pitied him.
What had happened to him this year? He DO hate Sirius, with all his heart and soul, Sirius knows it very well. It is a… confusing feeling that he haven't felt for a long time, and Remus had hurried to dig it deep down - along with the pity - and started caring about Sirius' well being. No use for pity, he'd used to say, if it… if it. Uhm, he couldn't remember, but it was something really clever, as it always was.
So he just let Sirius in, as the other joked about how he was going to get gills if he stayed outside in the storm any longer. Remus had laughed. Gills. Hell, how funny you are, Black. But he didn't say it then, and won't now.
Sirius do look terrible this day also. Remus has always been a person to believe that the morning sun shows everything in a different light. In this case the sight is different, although it's not - Remus concludes - a very favourable change in appearance.
Cuts and scraps everywhere, like he's been sleeping in a thicket of thorn bushes. Which he probably has.
Dark areas under his bloodshot eyes, like he's tried to sleep in those already mentioned bushes, and - of course - not gotten any sleep.
Tangled hair, full of leaves and twigs and - Remus notes with a bit of amusement - thorns.
It is not funny, and Remus hates and loves himself for thinking that it is.
Mr. Black is also thin as a rake, his skin is greyish. Maybe he's sick? Remus has to remember to ask him.
But the smile is ever present. Although Remus thinks the smile is a bit too sad, a bit too false, he smiles back as he's standing in the kitchen door. As the two men study each other for a moment, Remus finds that Sirius' eyes are dull and non-sparkling and empty. This doesn't surprise him, they where like that last time he met him too. But they are even emptier this time.
"Good morning," Remus says and breaks the silence. He walks over to the table and sits down. "How are we doing this lovely morning? You do look terrible, you know."
"Thanks," Sirius mumbles down in a cup of tea. "Thanks for letting me stay, despite the fact that you hate me. Thank you," he says again, not looking at Remus.
Remus is caught off guard. What is Sirius talking about? But, hell yeah, he hates him. He would throw the man out if it hadn't been for the sudden feeling of responsibility. And Sirius is - was - his friend after all. He has to give it a try.
"That's true," Remus replies, he is not a person to hide such things, and Sirius would know that. "I do hate you, and you do deserve it, but-- you're welcome. Will you bring me that kettle? If it's more tea in it, of course."
"Thank you," he says as Sirius steps towards him with the kettle and pours tea in the cup in Remus' hands. He sends Sirius a thankful glance, and sips from the cup. He grimaces as he discovers the tea has been standing on the counter for too long time.
It is cold.
The storm that has raged the whole day and the whole night has ceased. It's early morning and just few minutes till sunrise. A fresh breeze is blowing from the mountains, but inside it is warm and quiet. Remus thinks it's wonderful to be up that early. Sirius does not, but he is not up early, he is up late. Meaning not gone to bed yet, and tired as hell. Not the ideal mood.
Remus is pacing back and forth in the Gryffindor common room. Sirius is spread on one of the sofas, and for the last minute he's snored loudly. Remus eventually stops pacing, and walks over to wake him up.
"This has to be done," he says to himself as Sirius jerks awake, "We both know it."
"What is it...?" Sirius groans and sits up. "Did you have to wake me up?"
Remus sighs and stares at the boy in front of him. He don't want to do what he is about to do now. He absolutely doesn't want to do it. But he has to, he is going mad, he is falling apart, and it is all Sirius' fault. Not just his fault, but he plays a quite large part in the destruction of Remus' heart and sanity.
He decides let it out. Now. Or he will never get the courage to do it again.
"This can't go on any longer," he says. Sirius looks at him, bewildered.
"Sirius, Padfoot, my friend, my brother, my love -" Remus stops and looks at him. The bewildered look is fading and suddenly the werewolf understands that Sirius knows what he is going to do. He decides to keep up with it, he can't stop it now, has to finish.
"Sirius, I'm so sorry. But -" Remus blinks away a tear and Sirius, who is slowly getting a frightening blank expression, eyes him closely.
"We have to stop this mess before it destroys us both. We must break up. And not get back together again."
Both boys know this is the right thing to do, yet it comes as a shock to both of them.
Remus can't believe he's said it, and wants to take it all back, apologize to Sirius, and say sorry for being so stupid.
Sirius won't believe what he's just heard, will just wait for Remus to apologize to him; say sorry for being so stupid.
It doesn't happen.
"It is the best for both of us -" Remus begins, no liking the silence, not liking Sirius' expression, not liking his own words. Sirius interrupts him, suddenly very angry.
"WHAT do you MEAN? The BEST?" He jumps up and faces Remus, his fist is clenched, and he can feel how the nails pierce the skin in his palms. He glares angrily at the other boy, who doesn't flinch. Doesn't move. Doesn't talk. Remus just looks at him with sad eyes.
"I LOVE you, Remus. LOVE YOU! How can you say it's BEST? For US? I CAN'T FUCKING LIVE WITHOUT YOU, and YOU- of all people - should KNOW IT!"
Sirius is in denial, and don't know what's better for him. He wants to kiss Remus - because he loves him more than he can ever imagine, he wants to find a girl to make him jealous, he hates him and he loves him. He wants to hurt him, really hurt him, make him cry; make him suffer, because Sirius Black hates Remus Lupin with all his heart.
And suddenly Sirius understands it, he notices what he's thinking, what he wants to do. They love each other. They hate each other. They want each other. They hurt each other.
Sirius understands everything and wants to forgive Remus, but he can't and still he wants to hurt him, to kiss him, to do something, not just nod and say I'm sorry for what I said, I meant it, but I respect your decision, and it's okay. But that's what he does, but both know he's lying, he don't respect the decision, he hate it. Even Remus does not respect his own decision, yet he hates Sirius for not at least trying. He loves Sirius more than he can ever tell, but hates him even more. He's torn apart, and don't want to be.
Remus loves and hates Sirius… And himself for doing it.
Sirius hates and loves Remus… And himself for doing it.
And it is cold.
Its a few days since Sirius arrived at Remus' doorstep, and they're doing fine. Too fine, both Remus and Sirius think, because they both know they hate each other, and the hatred is too deep to forget in just a few days, they think.
But as it sometimes is, love is deeper.
Sirius has changed. His eternal rage has calmed down, he's easier to handle.
Remus has changed. He is stronger; both in body and in mind, he can handle him.
There are still fights. They can't come past them. But they cope with them easier now. As some people grow apart, these two have grown together.
But as they are lying on Remus' bed, entangled in bed sheets and locked in an embrace, never wanting to let go, never, not ever, love you, will never leave, the words were always so empty, can't live without you, they think it through again.
"Remus," Sirius whispers and huddles even closer to the other man, tightening the grip around his chest. "I think it was the best."
"What?" Remus mumbles into Sirius' hair. "Breaking up, or coming together - if that's we've done?"
"Both, I'd say."
"I'm not so sure; I don't know how smart it was to start this mess again. But the cliché is proved; 'There is a subtle difference between love and hate'."
"I hate clichés."
"And I hate you," Remus replies. Sirius doesn't wince, though he knows Remus is not joking. He answers matter-of-factly;
"But you love me too."
"Now, there is the problem," Remus says thoughtfully to the roof. "But it's a problem I can live with. For now."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too."
fin.
Yep. Angsty and with a... well... almost happy ending. What do you think?