The Halloweenies
By Semdai Bloodquill
Chapter Two : Mexi-fries, Mix-ups, and Mass Mayhem
(At the Taco Bell across the street from Semdai's apartment, Semdai and her cohorts have gathered and are feasting on supreme chaluppas. Wulfgar and Bruenor have disappeared while searching for the remains of Catti-brie. Having no stomachs for such greasy food, Ivan, and Pikel went off to find Wulfgar and Bruenor. And Regis ran off with several of Semdai's valuables and went off to rejoin with his halfling friends and to barter off Semdai's valuables. Leaving the wannabe funny author, the drow, and Entreri at Taco Bell. Kellindil simply ran away and hid under Semdai's bed. And FYI Semdai gave back Jarlaxle's hat and eye-patch)
Semdai - (Between bites of her half-eaten taco) So what shall we dress up as for Halloween?
Jarlaxle - (finishing his third taco) What was that movie we all went to?
Entreri - (sarcastically) The one where you two were making out the whole time. (unwraps a second chaluppa)
Jarlaxle - That was Lord of the Rings, I mean the one where Semdai and I actually watched the movie.
Semdai - Pirates of the Caribbean?
Jarlaxle - Yeah that's the one.
Entreri - (imitating Captain Barbossa) I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
Berg'inyon - Huh?
Entreri - (still imitating Barbossa) Means no.
Semdai - (shocked) He's quoting.
Entreri - So?
Semdai - Usually I'm the one that does that.
Jarlaxle - (pulling them back on topic) Why don't we all dress up as pirates?
Semdai - (thinks on it) Sounds cool.
Entreri - (jumps up) I get to be Barbossa!
(chirping crickets)
Semdai - Sit down, Artemis.
Entreri - (growls) How many times do I have to tell you not to call me Artemis?
Semdai - (imitates Will Turner) At least once more, Artemis, as always. (reverts back to normal voice) Now sit down, you're attracting attention.
Entreri - (sees that she is right and reluctantly sits down and resumes eating) I still wanna be Barbossa.
Semdai - (speaks as though addressing a five-year-old) You can be Barbossa.
Entreri - (grins evilly) Good. (reaches for another taco)
Dantrag - (balancing a mexi-fry on his nose) Who can I be?
Semdai - (looks at Jarlaxle) What do you think?
Jarlaxle - (throws a mexi-fry in the air and catches it in his mouth) I think Dantrag and Banana would make excellent replicas of Pintel and Raigetti.
Semdai - (obviously agrees) Perfect, my once-bald-but-now-has-nice-silky- white-haired friend! (snaps her fingers) Dantrag and Banana shall be Pintel and Raigetti.
Berg'inyon - Who's Pintel and Raigetti?
Semdai - You were at the movies with us, right?
Berg'inyon - Yeah I was watching you ogling over Orlando Bloom.
Jarlaxle - (slaps his forehead) Oh, not this Orlando Bloom again.
Semdai - What have you got against Orlando Bloom?
Jarlaxle - (raises his fists in the air as he speaks) He steals all the really hot chicks who are just looking for a pretty boy to fantasize about! (drops his head on the table narrowly missing a package of mexi-fries) ow...
Semdai - (worried voice) Be careful, Jarlaxle!
Zaknafein - (concerned) Yeah, you could seriously damage a nerve in your brain doing that.
Semdai - No, I mean he almost squished the mexi-fries. (scoops up the mexi- fries and starts gobbling them down)
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head) I have been replaced by mexi-fires. (drops his head back onto the table in defeat) ow... again...
Drizzt - (shakes his head) Shame on you, Jarlaxle, you lost Semdai's favor to a package of French fries.
Semdai - (throws a mexi-fry at Drizzt) MEXI-FRY! It is a MEXI-FRY!
Drizzt - (the mexi-fry bounces harmlessly off his forehead) Whatever.
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head again) Do you suppose I can win her back, Artemis?
Entreri - (gets very mad) You know what. I- give- up! Nobody is gonna just call me 'Entreri' like I asked!
Jarlaxle - (defeated) Never mind... (drops his head again) ow... for the third time...
Dantrag - Will you stop doing that!
Jarlaxle - (not lifting his head) Why do you care?
Dantrag - (simply) I don't, you're banging is just interfering with my trying to balance this mexi-fry on my nose.
Jarlaxle - (sighs and bangs his head again just to annoy Dantrag) ow... I lost count...
Berg'inyon - Four.
Jarlaxle - (slowly) Thank you...
Zaknafein - (shakes his head sadly) How far you have sunk my friend who was once very cunning but now has lost his charm to a mexi-fry.
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head and says sarcastically) You're very comforting.
Zaknafein - (missing the sarcasm) One tries.
Dantrag - YOU try.
Drizzt - I try too.
Dantrag - (disgusted) You're both soft.
Drizzt - (sarcastically) And you're hard?
Berg'inyon - That sounds wrong, Drizzt.
Drizzt - (realizes what he just said) Oh, this whole conversation has gone wrong.
Semdai - (locks her fingers behind her head) One tries.
Drizzt - (glares at Semdai) This is all your doing.
Semdai - Of course it is, I'm the author.
Drizzt - (slaps his forehead) Did you intend for Jarlaxle to become depressed?
Semdai - No, he does things against my authorical will all the time.
Jarlaxle - Like when I slapped your ass in the last chapter?
Semdai - Yes, like when you slapped my ass in the last chapter.
Dantrag - (drops his mexi-fry) You mean Jarlaxle gets to decide what he does and the rest of us have to follow whatever you write about us? (slightly outraged but trying to hide it behind a sweet voice)
Semdai - (simply as if missing the implications of his tone) Most of the time.
Dantrag - (outraged) That is so unfair!
Semdai - You are a drow male, you should be used to unfairness by now.
Dantrag - Are you making fun of my sex?
Semdai - No, but I am implicating that you are bound in the correct direction for a one way ticket to the residence of The Mob.
Berg'inyon - (coughs under his breath) Thesaurus reader.
Semdai - (flicks a mexi-fry at Berg'inyon) I heard that.
Berg'inyon - (mexi-fry bounces off his head) How?
Semdai - (annoyed) I kinda made you say it.
Berg'inyon - Oh yeah, sorry.
Semdai - No you're not.
Berg'inyon - You're right, sorry.
Semdai - Stop apologizing!
Berg'inyon - (quickly) Sorry.
Semdai - (glares at Berg'inyon)
Berg'inyon - (laughs nervously) I'll be shutting up now.
Dantrag - (laughs at Berg'inyon) You're taking orders from an Iblith! [drow word for excrement or non-drow] (realizes what he just said) I mean-
Semdai - (growing very angry) What did you just call me, Dantrag Baenre?
Dantrag - (trying to find a way out) N-Nothing!
Entreri - Dead drow walking!
Zaknafein - (notes that Dantrag is in full flight) Or rather scrambling.
Semdai - (pelts Dantrag with mexi-fries as he tries to flee) THE ONE TIME I LET YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN WORDS AND YOU CALL ME AN IBLITH!!!
Dantrag - (trying to shield himself with his arms) I'm sorry!
Semdai - YOU WILL PAY, ARROGANT DROW MALE!! I WILL LIBERATE YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS AND TACK THEM TO THE WALLS!!!
Dantrag - No! Not my organs!
Drizzt - (snickers)
Berg'inyon - Is this entertaining for you, Jarlaxle?
Jarlaxle - (sadly watches Semdai beat Dantrag with mexi-fries for a few seconds) no... (puts his head down)
Berg'inyon - Uh oh.
Zaknafein - This is bad.
Drizzt - What's bad?
Zaknafein/Berg'inyon - Jarlaxle is depressed.
Entreri - (after a long pause) So?
Zaknafein - (throws a wadded up wrapper at Entreri) Heartless assassin.
Entreri - (catches the wrapper and throws it back) Stupid drow.
Zaknafein - (catches the wrapper and throws it back) Loaded crossbow.
Entreri - (catches the wrapper again and throws it back again) Stubborn Jackass.
Zaknafein - (catches the wrapper again and throws it back) Smelly assassin.
Entreri - (catches the wrapper blah blah blah) Mindless zombie.
Zaknafein - (you can guess) Atomic mouth.
Entreri - (as above) Barf-o-roni.
Zaknafein - (need I continue) Camel breath.
Entreri - (this is starting to sound like a movie I saw) Dome-head.
Zaknafein - (becomes offended for the first time) Funkoid.
Entreri - (I'm not gonna bother, you know they're still throwing that wrapper at each other) What are we on?
Zaknafein - (thinks) Uh... G.
Entreri - Gack face.
Zaknafein - (still throwing the wrapper) Hose brain.
Entreri - Ow, my shoulder hurts. (pauses to stretch his arm)
Zaknafein - Will you just throw the wrapper!
Entreri - Sorry. (resumes throwing) Bastard son of a caribou.
Zaknafein - (impressed) Nice parry, old man.
Entreri - (fumbles the throw) You're older than me!
Zaknafein - (catches the throw even though it falls short of its mark) Your point, Skirt chaser.
Berg'inyon/Drizzt - (in awe) OOoo...
Berg'inyon - (slowly) Nice one.
Semdai - (comes trotting over) Whatcha doing over here?
Drizzt - Watching Zak and Entreri go at it.
Berg'inyon - That sounded wrong.
Drizzt - I think that's the point of this ramble.
Semdai - It is actually. So what'd I miss?
Berg'inyon - Zak called Entreri a 'Skirt Chaser' and we're waiting for Entreri's response.
Drizzt - Where's Dantrag?
Semdai - (evilly) He's going for a short vacation.
Drizzt - I'm not gonna ask.
Entreri - (has to think for a moment before throwing the wrapper again) Semdai's Boy Toy.
Jarlaxle/Drizzt/Berg'inyon - (gasp)
Semdai - (whistles) That's hitting below the belt if I ever heard so.
Zaknafein - (is very insulted but still catches the wrapper) Lllllllaaaambas bread. (elongating his L)
FYI - I watched the cast commentary of The Two Towers Extended Version and Sean Astin talked about having to elongate his L's when they said Lambas bread and it annoys the crap out of my family when I do it.
Entreri - (his eye twitches) Eunuch.
Zaknafein - (calmly) Llllllllllllllllllaaaaaammmmmbas bread!
Entreri - (twitches harder) Scrawny elf.
Zaknafein - (calmly but with huge grin) Lllllllllllllaaaaaaaaammmbaaaaaasssss bread.
Entreri - (twitching uncontrollably and giving in to the rage) Paladin!
Zaknafein - (longest of them all) LLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAMMMMMMBAAAASSS bread.
Entreri - (gets hit with the wrapper and falls to the ground writhing) No more lambas bread!
Zaknafein - (for good measure) Lllllambas bread.
Entreri - Ahhh! (runs screaming from the restaurant and into the street)
Semdai - Artemis wait! Look both ways before you cross the street!
Entreri - (stops in the middle of the lane) DON'T CALL ME ARTEMIS!!! (suddenly gets hit by a semi-truck) Ahhh! (goes flying)
Semdai - (shocked) Uh oh.
Drizzt - You suppose we should go help him?
Semdai - We have to!
Berg'inyon - Why?
Semdai - (frantically) Because I don't have enough money to bribe RAS into not suing me for killing his character. (runs out to the road, stops and looks both ways at the wreckage around her, then runs to the prone form of Entreri who is sprawled in the middle of the road.) Uh... Entreri?
Entreri's mangled form - (no response)...
Semdai - (gently nudges him with her toe) Entreri, this isn't funny. (very worried by now)
(Berg'inyon, Zaknafein, and Drizzt, dragging Jarlaxle behind them come out and form a circle around Entreri's mangled form)
Drizzt - Do you think he's dead?
Zaknafein - I think he's dead.
Berg'inyon - He looks dead.
Jarlaxle - He's all pale, I think he IS dead.
Drizzt - He was always pale, that doesn't mean he's dead.
Semdai - Oh look! I think he moved, maybe he's not dead!
(They all take a closer look and see that Entreri is indeed still breathing and not dead)
Zaknafein - He's not dead.
Drizzt - You're right, he's NOT dead.
Berg'inyon - I though he was dead.
Jarlaxle - He still looks dead.
Drizzt - He always looked dead.
Semdai - What do we do with him now that we know he's not dead?
Berg'inyon - How much longer will he stay not dead?
Drizzt - You never know with the dead.
Zaknafein - But he's not dead.
Jarlaxle - He still looks dead.
Drizzt - I agree with Jarlaxle, he looks dead.
Some Random Fat Police Officer[SRFPO] - (comes over) Excuse me, people, but do you know this man who looks dead?
Semdai - Yes sir, we know this man who looks dead.
SRFPO - Is he dead?
Jarlaxle - He looks dead.
Berg'inyon - We don't think he's dead.
Semdai - Even though he looks dead.
SRFPO - Why are you all ending your sentences with 'dead?'
Berg'inyon - (points at Semdai) It's her fault, Sir, Semdai is guilty of making Entreri here look dead.
Semdai - (glares at Berg'inyon) The penalty for turning on the author is to become dead.
Berg'inyon - (dives under a nearby car) I don't wanna be dead!
Semdai - There's nothing to worry about here, Sir, we'll take care of Entreri, (pauses to check Entreri's pulse) who is not dead.
SRFPO - Well carry on then. (tips his hat and walks to the donut shop next to the Taco Bell)
Drizzt - Berg'inyon, come out from under that car and help us carry our seemingly dead comrade who is in fact not dead.
Zaknafein - Can we stop saying dead?
Semdai - Why would you want to stop saying dead?
Zaknafein - It's hard to make every sentence end with dead.
Semdai - Ok you can stop saying dead.
Berg'inyon - That's better.
Semdai - (kicks Berg'inyon in the shin)
Berg'inyon - (hops on his good leg) What was that for?
Semdai - You broke the dead chain.
Berg'inyon - (decides not to argue)
Semdai - Now help me carry seemingly dead Artemis back to my place.
Entreri's mangled form - (mumbles something incoherent)
Drizzt - What did he say?
Semdai - He said, "Don't call me Artemis."
Drizzt - How do you know?
Semdai - (gives him a look)
Drizzt - Oh yeah, that author thing.
(They all ban together to carry Entreri up the fifty flights of stairs to Semdai's apartment)
Semdai - (takes Entreri's full weight as they reach the top) Well that was refreshing.
Drizzt - (falls down in exhaustion) Refreshing?
Berg'inyon/Zaknafein - (follow suit and collapse) Asanque! [drow word that means 'likewise']
Jarlaxle - (equally tire but trying to win back Semdai's heart) You all are just out of shape.
Semdai - (is touched by Jarlaxle's performance) Oh my big, strong, Jarlaxle! (remembers the task at hand and adds in a sexy voice) I'll see you after this chapter.
Jarlaxle - Booyah! (jumps for joy) Got my mojo back!
Drizzt - Mojo?
Jarlaxle - Yes, mojo.
Semdai - (dumps the unconscious Entreri on the couch) Now what shall we do with our mangled friend here?
Drizzt - (slowly) Tough question.
Berg'inyon - (mocks Drizzt) Very tough. Very hard. (pause) Sounds very wrong.
Drizzt - (calmly) Berg'inyon, shut up.
Berg'inyon - (equally calm) Make me.
Semdai - (doesn't bother to turn her head) Both of you be quiet, you're interrupting my train of thought.
Zaknafein - (communicates with the drow hand code) Fragile thing, Semdai's train of thought.
Drizzt - (signals back) Noted.
Berg'inyon - (also signals) Gotcha.
Semdai - (taking no notice of the males) I suppose I could shock him like I did with Zak in the last chapter...
Zaknafein - (remembers the incident and involuntarily rubs his ears) Right...
Semdai - (thinking as she speaks) I'll need a stronger charge though... (picks up the TV remote and tosses it to Jarlaxle) When I give you the signal start flipping the TV on and off.
Jarlaxle - (catches the remote) Why?
Semdai - (walks over to the TV) You'll see. (takes her hair out of its ponytail and rubs her head against the screen) Now.
Jarlaxle - (repeatedly presses the on/off button on the remote) Won't this break the TV?
Semdai - No I do it all the time. (pauses for a moment to gather static energy) Stop.
Jarlaxle - (Does so) Now what?
Semdai - (her brown hair now stands on end in several places) Observe. (she rubs her fingers over her scalp and then brings her hands close to Entreri's ears)
Zaknafein - (shifts his balance nervously)
Semdai - (calmly) Clear. (jams her index fingers into Entreri's ears and releases the static electricity)
FYI - Because I have thin, easily magnatized hair, I can actually do this.
Entreri - (leaps up holding his ears) Ack! Not the ears! (doubles over and falls off the couch in pain) Ow!
Semdai - (trying to be optimistic) At least now he's awake.
Zaknafein - I think you've traumatized him for life.
Semdai - Zak, will you go to my room and drag Kellindil out from under my bed please? I believe his elvish abilities could help with Entreri.
Zaknafein - Sure.
(Zaknafein enters the next room and peeks under the bed. Sure enough, Kellindil is curled up between the bed and the floor shaking badly)
Zaknafein - Time to come out, Kellindil. (reaches for Kellindil)
Kellindil - (hisses and bite Zak's hand)
Zaknafein - (jumps back holding his hand) Ouch! Oh you asked for it now. (produces a giant globe of darkness around the bed and lines Kellindil with faerie fire)
Kellindil - Eek! (dashes out from under the bed to find a better hiding spot)
Zaknafein - (tackles Kellindil and tries to hold him but gets bit several more times on the arm) You'll pay for that, Faerie! [drow name for surface elf]
Kellindil - (squirms desperately and manages to get away, hissing and biting the whole time)
Zaknafein - (is left on the floor holding his bleeding hand and arm) Damn Faerie. (stalks back into the living room)
Drizzt - What happened to you?
Zaknafein - I think Kellindil is rabid or something.
Semdai - (examines Zak's wounds) Bite marks?
Jarlaxle - (also examines the wounds) Are you sure Kellindil is rabid?
Zaknafein - (sternly) He was crazed, he bit me.
Semdai - (shivers) This sounds like a movie I saw.
Jarlaxle - What movie?
Semdai - Resident Evil.
Jarlaxle - I don't think I saw that one.
Semdai - Well there were these undercover, government scientists who were doing illegal experiments in a secret underground lab and they created this nasty, evil virus that turns the living into crazy, undead monsters and turns the dead into stupid, but invincible, monsters.
Jarlaxle - Don't tell me anymore I wanna go see the movie.
Semdai - But what if Kellindil has somehow contracted this deadly virus?
Drizzt - What happened next?
Semdai - These military guys came in and were investigating the labs where the T-Virus was made and one of them got bit and got the virus and became an evil, mindless zombie.
Zaknafein - (very afraid) I don't wanna be zombie again! (hides his face in his hands)
Semdai - (hugs Zaknafein) Don't worry Zaky, I won't let you become a zombie again, I didn't go through all that trouble restoring your body to lose you to some stupid virus now! I won't allow you to become like the bunny!
Zaknafein - (fearfully) What about the bunny?
Semdai - The scientists injected this cute, little, white bunny with the virus and it became this monstrous bear-like creature that got bigger and uglier as the movie went on and it got to eat people. (shivers) And its organs were on the outside.
Zaknafein - (gulps and falls to his knees and hugs Semdai's legs nearly toppling her over) Don't let them take me, Semdai!
Jarlaxle - (screws up his face trying to hide his jealousy)
Semdai - (reaches down and pulls Zak off her legs) Don't worry, Zak, we'll find the cure. (pats him on the head) Come loyal dog-like followers, we must find Dantrag and begin our search for Kellindil.
Drizzt - What about Entreri?
Semdai - I don't know, I'll ask. (walks over to a twitching Entreri) Wanna come with us?
Entreri - Where're you going?
Semdai - To relocate Dantrag then hunt down Kellindil and find out what's wrong with him.
Entreri - (trying to decide) Go hunting elves and running the risk of further injury or stay behind and be bored out of my mind while I heal from getting hit by a truck. (thinks) I think I'll go with you guys.
Semdai - Good. (snaps her fingers and heals Entreri's wounds) We could use your fighting prowess should Kellindil decide to struggle.
Entreri - When are we going?
Semdai - (offers Entreri a hand up) As soon as you get off the floor and Zak stops bleeding all over the place.
Entreri - (takes the offered hand and stands shakily) Where do we start?
Semdai - Let's look in the bedroom and see what we can find.
(The six of them move toward Semdai's room but Berg'inyon stops them at the door)
Berg'inyon - I think Zak should go in first.
Zaknafein - Why me?
Berg'inyon - Because you're already infected with whatever Kellindil has and he can't hurt you anymore.
Jarlaxle - (thinks on the idea) Good point, (nudges Zak) Go on Zak, we're all right behind you.
Berg'inyon - (adds encouragingly) Yeah, we're just a pain-filled cry away.
Zaknafein - (grumbles but proceeds forward anyway) Kellindil?
(Chirping crickets)
Semdai - (puzzled) I'd like to know where those crickets are coming from.
Jarlaxle - Hey crickets are good luck, right?
Semdai - Right you are, devilishly charming drow with the outrageously plumed hat.
Drizzt - I don't think Kellindil is in here.
Zaknafein - (hears a sound like water dropping) Huh?
Drizzt - (notices Zak's expression) What is it, Zak?
Zaknafein - (looks up just in case) Run away!
(Everyone looks up in time to see Kellindil, who is starting to look like Gollum, staring at them hungrily from the ceiling, drool dripping from his maw.)
Semdai - (fearful) Kellindil?
Kellindil - (hisses and climbs across the ceiling like a spider)
Semdai - Oh no! He DOES have the T-Virus!
Zaknafein - Like I said, run away! (turns tail and runs from the room, the others quickly follow suit)
Kellindil - (snarls and jumps at the last of the group, which happens to be Semdai)
Semdai - (gets tackled by the crazed elf) Eek!
Jarlaxle - (turns and sees Semdai trying to fight off the crazed Kellindil) Oh no, Semdai is being attacked by the virus infected Kellindil. I should save her, but what if Kellindil bites me? Oh damn these heroic instincts! (draws two swords and charges at Kellindil)
Kellindil - (looks up to see the charging dark elf and changes his mind about attacking) EEE! (jumps off Semdai and leaps out the open window)
Jarlaxle - Oh damn! Why is there always an escape route for the antagonists but not for the protagonists? (sheaths his swords and walks over to Semdai, kneeling next to her) Semdai?
Semdai - (doesn't respond)...
Jarlaxle - (shakes her shoulder lightly, growing concerned) Semdai?
(The other four slowly re-enter the room and gasp at the sight of their fallen ringleader)
Jarlaxle - (scoops Semdai up and holds her in his arms) C'mon Semdai, wake up! (growing frantic)
Drizzt - (becomes worried) This does not look good.
Zaknafein - (steps over to Jarlaxle and joins him in his effort to wake Semdai)
Berg'inyon - (worried) Is she dead?
Drizzt - (more worried) Is she infected?
Zaknafein - (shakes his head) I think we lost her, Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - (frantic) No! We can't lose her or the story will end!
Zaknafein - (gently) All things end Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - (wails) Why wasn't I fast enough! Why couldn't I save her!
Zaknafein - (bows his head) We'll miss you, Semdai, you might not have been the best thing that happened to us, but you defiantly weren't on the bad list.
Jarlaxle - (still wailing) We never got to go to Venice like we planned!
Zaknafein - (very sadly) I think all of us will forever remember the time we spent with you, Semdai Bloodquill, and all of us will hold you in some special place in our hearts and minds.
Entreri - (in his mind) Yeah, in the 'Do not enter' section.
Zaknafein - (sniffles) Does anyone else want to say something?
Drizzt - (shakes his head) I never thought it would end like this.
Berg'inyon - (sadly) We should have had more adventures together before the end.
Entreri - (sighs) Such a waste of life.
(Revered silence)
Entreri - (starts humming the Lothlorien theme from Lord of the Rings purly on impulse...oh fine I admit it, I made him do it, now are you happy)
Zaknafein/Berg'inyon/Jarlaxle/Drizzt - (all join in and start singing the lament for Gandalf)
(Song ends after a while and revered silence is restored with lots of bowed heads)
Meanwhile...
Catti-brie - (leaning over the scrying mirror) Can it be?
Bruenor - (who can't see because he is too short) Can what be, girl?
Catti-brie - (hopefully) If this device is to be believed, then Semdai is dead.
Wulfgar - (shocked) Dead? How is that possible?
Catti-brie - (pretending not to know) Apparently, Kellindil has contracted some sort of disease or mutation or something and has attacked Semdai.
Wulfgar - Shouldn't we help her?
Catti-brie - (appalled) Of course not, she tried to kill me. And has in her other stories.
Wulfgar - I think someone flamed her for that story and none of her friends liked it anyway.
Catti-brie - Still, she deserves what she gets, and with her out of the way we can rescue Drizzt.
Bruenor - (slaps his axe across his chest) Well lets get going and rescue the elf.
Wulfgar - (looks over to Dantrag) What about him?
Catti-brie - (also glances at their hostage, who is gagged and tied to a chair) One of us should stay and watch him.
Wulfgar - (volunteers) I'll stay.
Catti-brie - Then Bruenor and I will go collect Drizzt.
(They leave. Wulfgar makes himself comfortable in front of Dantrag)
Wulfgar - So... yeah... How's your life?
Dantrag - (gives him 'the finger')
Wulfgar - (calmly punches Dantrag in the face) Now that wasn't polite at all.
Dantrag - (in his mind) Bastard son of a caribou...
Meanwhile...
Semdai - (sniffles and rubs her teary eyes) That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said about me.
Zaknafein - (sadly) Glad you're happy with it. (suddenly realizes who spoke) Whoa! Semdai's NOT dead!
Semdai - (simply) Well yeah. If you scroll up a ways you'll notice that nowhere does it say 'Semdai dies.'
Jarlaxle - (relieved) Don't ever scare me like that again! (buries Semdai in a crushing hug)
Semdai - (under Jarlaxle's arms) Zaknafein, that was the best eulogy I've heard in a long time.
Zaknafein - You really thought so?
Semdai - (nods) It was touching. And when you all started singing (sniffles) you guys are the best.
Drizzt - (falls over backward from relief)
Entreri - (calmly) Oh my Gods, you killed Drizzt.
Berg'inyon - (on impulse) You bastard!
Semdai - (attempt to reach in her pocket but can't because Jarlaxle is still hugging her) Jarlaxle dear, you can stop hugging me now.
Jarlaxle - (stops hugging abruptly) Sorry.
Semdai - (reaches into her pocket and pulls out a mexi-fry and throws it at Berg'inyon) I was not born out of wedlock!
Berg'inyon - (dives out of the room and slides under the couch) Flying mexi- fry! Take cover!
Semdai - I think things are going back to normal.
Zaknafein - Wait a second! Semdai, you're not infected are you?
Semdai - (looks herself over) I don't think so. Jarlaxle, how's my neck?
Jarlaxle - (examines Semdai's throat) Soft and silky like always.
Semdai - I mean did Kellindil bite my neck.
Jarlaxle - (embarrassed) Oh. (looks again) There's two blemishes, one on each side, that look like bite marks.
Entreri - (sneers) Are either of them yours from the last chapter?
Semdai - I know the one on the left is Jarlaxle's.
Jarlaxle - (examines the left one) Yeah that one's from me.
Berg'inyon - (grossed out) Eew! That's sick!
Zaknafein - (ignores Berg'inyon) How about the other one?
Jarlaxle - (looks at the right one) Now this one did NOT come from me.
Zaknafein - (also looking) You're right, it's too recent and it's still oozing blood. (simply) Kellindil did it.
Jarlaxle - (angered) Damn that Kellindil for marking Semdai's neck with his bite. (wrings his hands)
Zaknafein - Calm down Jarlaxle, you'll get your revenge. (pats him on the shoulder)
Jarlaxle - (his eyes gleam) I'll get him. (Gollum-like) He'll pay for harming my precious...
Zaknafein - (slowly with darting eyes) O. K. Jarlaxle's gone psycho.
Entreri - Correction, Jarlaxle's gone Gollum.
Jarlaxle - (stands and pulls Semdai up, sadly) This means you're infected too, Precious.
Semdai - (sniffles) I know.
Entreri - (aside to Berg'inyon) Is it just me or does Semdai appear to have the powers of the One Ring?
Jarlaxle - (tragically) And now we can't fool around until you're cured.
Berg'inyon - (aside to Entreri) She's really got him whipped.
Semdai - (dramatically) This is the test of our love, Jarlaxle! (clings to his arm) You have to suppress your male urges until I am cured and not seek out another woman if you truly love me!
Jarlaxle - (equally dramatic) I will never have another orgasm until you are cured of this infection Semdai!
Entreri - (suppresses the urge to vomit) All this love is making me nauseous...
Berg'inyon - (clutching his ears) Make them stop!
Zaknafein - (sighs dreamily) Ah, young love.
Entreri - (disgusted) What do you mean young love?! He's thirty-five times her age!
Zaknafein - True love knows no boundaries of age.
Entreri - (groans like he's going to hurl) I'll be back. (runs to the bathroom and wretches)
Berg'inyon - (follows Entreri) Right behind you!
Drizzt - (gets up and sees Jarlaxle and Semdai dramatically holding each other) Aww... Isn't that cute?
Zaknafein - (sighs) I know.
Kellindil - (sticks his head in the window) You all make me sick! (disappears)
Jarlaxle - (whirls around) Ha! There he goes! After him!
Semdai - (has a revelation) Wait! He spoke coherently! That means he doesn't have the T-Virus!
Zaknafein - (hopefully) So we're NOT infected?
Semdai - Not with the T-Virus.
Zaknafein/Jarlaxle - (sigh with relief)
(Catti-brie and Bruenor enter the living room. They don't see anyone)
Catti-brie - Drizzt?
Drizzt - (sticks his head out the door and sees the pair) Shh. You'll ruin the moment.
Bruenor - (confused) What moment?
Drizzt - (beckons for them to join him in the doorway) Come see.
Catti-brie - (thinking she's going to see a dead Semdai, eagerly complies)
Bruenor - (follows quietly)
Drizzt - (clasps his hands together and rests them against his cheek dreamily) Isn't that cute?
Catti-brie - (sees Semdai and Jarlaxle and is outraged) NO!
Jarlaxle/zaknafin/Semdai - (turn to see the interruption)
Catti-brie - (points at Semdai) You are supposed to be dead!
Bruenor - (scratches his head) Yeah, weird.
Catti-brie - (squints at Bruenor) Let me see that vial. (holds out her hand)
Bruenor - (pulls a vial out of his pocket) The one with the poison you had me slip in Kellindil's drink?
Catti-brie - (snatches the vial) Yes, that vial. (examines it) Bruenor, this is not T-Virus!
Bruenor - (confused) It isn't?
Catti-brie - (outraged) This is extract of Rabies! (throws the vial at Bruenor and stomps toward the door)
Semdai - (tackles Catti-brie, pinning her down) You mean YOU did this to me, Zaknafein, and Kellindil!?
Catti-brie - (glares at Semdai) Yes, I did it! And only I have the cure!
Semdai - (grins evilly) I'll bite you.
Catti-brie - (threateningly) Bite me and Dantrag pays the price.
Semdai - (outraged) What have you done to Dantrag!
Catti-brie - (thinking she has the advantage) He is my prisoner! And until you cease this madness and release Drizzt, then he will stay my prisoner!
Drizzt - (shocked) Why would you do this, Catti-brie?
Catti-brie - (turns to Drizzt) I did this for you, Drizzt, so you could escape Semdai's vile clutches! (pulls a long knife out of her boot and drives it under Semdai's ribs and into her organs, afterwards dashing for the door with Bruenor close behind) I did it for you, Drizzt! (escapes)
(Entreri and Berg'inyon dash out of the bathroom in time to see Catti-brie and Bruenor escape while Semdai falls to the ground, a knife hilt protruding from her ribs.)
Entreri - We sure have a lot of dashing in this ramble.
Drizzt - (being the closest to Semdai, falls to his knees at her side) No!
Jarlaxle - (drops down on Semdai's other side) Semdai, can you hear us?
Zaknafein - (growls) Not again. (rushes to Semdai's side, next to Drizzt)
Entreri/Berg'inyon - (sigh and hurry over as well)
Semdai - (groaning) I'm fine, you guys. (grasps the hilt of the knife) Her powers are far less than mine, I'll survive. (starts to pull the knife out but has to stop from the pain) I don't suppose one of you could pull this thing out of me?
Zaknafein - (moves up) I'll do it.
Jarlaxle - (protests) But I was gonna volunteer.
Semdai - (notices the need for an intervention) But Jarlaxle, I need you to hold me while Zak takes the knife out. (puts on her best puppy-dog eyes) It hurts so badly you know.
Jarlaxle - (loose his nerve and holds Semdai in his lap) Go Zak.
Zaknafein - (slides the knife carefully out of Semdai's ribs)
Semdai - (when the knife is fully out) That's much better, thank you boys.
Drizzt - (kind of lost in thought) Now what?
Semdai - Help me up, Jarlaxle. (he does so) Now we go after Catti-brie and save Dantrag and Kellindil.
Entreri - (whines) Do we have to?
Semdai - (sternly) Yes, we have to. (starts impersonating Aragorn from LOTR) We will not abandon Dantrag and Kellindil to torment and death... (the others look at her with admiration) not while we have strength left! Leave all that can be spared behind...(she slips Catti-brie's dagger into her boot and motions for everyone to collect their weapons) We travel light. (devilish grin) Let us hunt girl.
(The others cheer, totally under Semdai's Aragorn Impression Spell)
Semdai - To the elevator! (dashes off)
Berg'inyon - (shocked) You mean there's an elevator and we still carried Entreri up the stairs!
To be continued...
AN : How very fun this story is to write. Though reading it is fun too. At least for me. Well, coming up next chapter Entreri becomes obsessed with a certain type of music, some new people join the ranks of Semdai, and Catti-brie is gonna get a rude awkening. Until next time, feel free to flame.
PS : Eventually there will be trick-or-treating and I need places to send our (coughs) heros, so please review and tell me where you would like to see them go, suggest as many places as you want and I will try my best to get them there. ~Semdai Bloodquill
By Semdai Bloodquill
Chapter Two : Mexi-fries, Mix-ups, and Mass Mayhem
(At the Taco Bell across the street from Semdai's apartment, Semdai and her cohorts have gathered and are feasting on supreme chaluppas. Wulfgar and Bruenor have disappeared while searching for the remains of Catti-brie. Having no stomachs for such greasy food, Ivan, and Pikel went off to find Wulfgar and Bruenor. And Regis ran off with several of Semdai's valuables and went off to rejoin with his halfling friends and to barter off Semdai's valuables. Leaving the wannabe funny author, the drow, and Entreri at Taco Bell. Kellindil simply ran away and hid under Semdai's bed. And FYI Semdai gave back Jarlaxle's hat and eye-patch)
Semdai - (Between bites of her half-eaten taco) So what shall we dress up as for Halloween?
Jarlaxle - (finishing his third taco) What was that movie we all went to?
Entreri - (sarcastically) The one where you two were making out the whole time. (unwraps a second chaluppa)
Jarlaxle - That was Lord of the Rings, I mean the one where Semdai and I actually watched the movie.
Semdai - Pirates of the Caribbean?
Jarlaxle - Yeah that's the one.
Entreri - (imitating Captain Barbossa) I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
Berg'inyon - Huh?
Entreri - (still imitating Barbossa) Means no.
Semdai - (shocked) He's quoting.
Entreri - So?
Semdai - Usually I'm the one that does that.
Jarlaxle - (pulling them back on topic) Why don't we all dress up as pirates?
Semdai - (thinks on it) Sounds cool.
Entreri - (jumps up) I get to be Barbossa!
(chirping crickets)
Semdai - Sit down, Artemis.
Entreri - (growls) How many times do I have to tell you not to call me Artemis?
Semdai - (imitates Will Turner) At least once more, Artemis, as always. (reverts back to normal voice) Now sit down, you're attracting attention.
Entreri - (sees that she is right and reluctantly sits down and resumes eating) I still wanna be Barbossa.
Semdai - (speaks as though addressing a five-year-old) You can be Barbossa.
Entreri - (grins evilly) Good. (reaches for another taco)
Dantrag - (balancing a mexi-fry on his nose) Who can I be?
Semdai - (looks at Jarlaxle) What do you think?
Jarlaxle - (throws a mexi-fry in the air and catches it in his mouth) I think Dantrag and Banana would make excellent replicas of Pintel and Raigetti.
Semdai - (obviously agrees) Perfect, my once-bald-but-now-has-nice-silky- white-haired friend! (snaps her fingers) Dantrag and Banana shall be Pintel and Raigetti.
Berg'inyon - Who's Pintel and Raigetti?
Semdai - You were at the movies with us, right?
Berg'inyon - Yeah I was watching you ogling over Orlando Bloom.
Jarlaxle - (slaps his forehead) Oh, not this Orlando Bloom again.
Semdai - What have you got against Orlando Bloom?
Jarlaxle - (raises his fists in the air as he speaks) He steals all the really hot chicks who are just looking for a pretty boy to fantasize about! (drops his head on the table narrowly missing a package of mexi-fries) ow...
Semdai - (worried voice) Be careful, Jarlaxle!
Zaknafein - (concerned) Yeah, you could seriously damage a nerve in your brain doing that.
Semdai - No, I mean he almost squished the mexi-fries. (scoops up the mexi- fries and starts gobbling them down)
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head) I have been replaced by mexi-fires. (drops his head back onto the table in defeat) ow... again...
Drizzt - (shakes his head) Shame on you, Jarlaxle, you lost Semdai's favor to a package of French fries.
Semdai - (throws a mexi-fry at Drizzt) MEXI-FRY! It is a MEXI-FRY!
Drizzt - (the mexi-fry bounces harmlessly off his forehead) Whatever.
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head again) Do you suppose I can win her back, Artemis?
Entreri - (gets very mad) You know what. I- give- up! Nobody is gonna just call me 'Entreri' like I asked!
Jarlaxle - (defeated) Never mind... (drops his head again) ow... for the third time...
Dantrag - Will you stop doing that!
Jarlaxle - (not lifting his head) Why do you care?
Dantrag - (simply) I don't, you're banging is just interfering with my trying to balance this mexi-fry on my nose.
Jarlaxle - (sighs and bangs his head again just to annoy Dantrag) ow... I lost count...
Berg'inyon - Four.
Jarlaxle - (slowly) Thank you...
Zaknafein - (shakes his head sadly) How far you have sunk my friend who was once very cunning but now has lost his charm to a mexi-fry.
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head and says sarcastically) You're very comforting.
Zaknafein - (missing the sarcasm) One tries.
Dantrag - YOU try.
Drizzt - I try too.
Dantrag - (disgusted) You're both soft.
Drizzt - (sarcastically) And you're hard?
Berg'inyon - That sounds wrong, Drizzt.
Drizzt - (realizes what he just said) Oh, this whole conversation has gone wrong.
Semdai - (locks her fingers behind her head) One tries.
Drizzt - (glares at Semdai) This is all your doing.
Semdai - Of course it is, I'm the author.
Drizzt - (slaps his forehead) Did you intend for Jarlaxle to become depressed?
Semdai - No, he does things against my authorical will all the time.
Jarlaxle - Like when I slapped your ass in the last chapter?
Semdai - Yes, like when you slapped my ass in the last chapter.
Dantrag - (drops his mexi-fry) You mean Jarlaxle gets to decide what he does and the rest of us have to follow whatever you write about us? (slightly outraged but trying to hide it behind a sweet voice)
Semdai - (simply as if missing the implications of his tone) Most of the time.
Dantrag - (outraged) That is so unfair!
Semdai - You are a drow male, you should be used to unfairness by now.
Dantrag - Are you making fun of my sex?
Semdai - No, but I am implicating that you are bound in the correct direction for a one way ticket to the residence of The Mob.
Berg'inyon - (coughs under his breath) Thesaurus reader.
Semdai - (flicks a mexi-fry at Berg'inyon) I heard that.
Berg'inyon - (mexi-fry bounces off his head) How?
Semdai - (annoyed) I kinda made you say it.
Berg'inyon - Oh yeah, sorry.
Semdai - No you're not.
Berg'inyon - You're right, sorry.
Semdai - Stop apologizing!
Berg'inyon - (quickly) Sorry.
Semdai - (glares at Berg'inyon)
Berg'inyon - (laughs nervously) I'll be shutting up now.
Dantrag - (laughs at Berg'inyon) You're taking orders from an Iblith! [drow word for excrement or non-drow] (realizes what he just said) I mean-
Semdai - (growing very angry) What did you just call me, Dantrag Baenre?
Dantrag - (trying to find a way out) N-Nothing!
Entreri - Dead drow walking!
Zaknafein - (notes that Dantrag is in full flight) Or rather scrambling.
Semdai - (pelts Dantrag with mexi-fries as he tries to flee) THE ONE TIME I LET YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN WORDS AND YOU CALL ME AN IBLITH!!!
Dantrag - (trying to shield himself with his arms) I'm sorry!
Semdai - YOU WILL PAY, ARROGANT DROW MALE!! I WILL LIBERATE YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS AND TACK THEM TO THE WALLS!!!
Dantrag - No! Not my organs!
Drizzt - (snickers)
Berg'inyon - Is this entertaining for you, Jarlaxle?
Jarlaxle - (sadly watches Semdai beat Dantrag with mexi-fries for a few seconds) no... (puts his head down)
Berg'inyon - Uh oh.
Zaknafein - This is bad.
Drizzt - What's bad?
Zaknafein/Berg'inyon - Jarlaxle is depressed.
Entreri - (after a long pause) So?
Zaknafein - (throws a wadded up wrapper at Entreri) Heartless assassin.
Entreri - (catches the wrapper and throws it back) Stupid drow.
Zaknafein - (catches the wrapper and throws it back) Loaded crossbow.
Entreri - (catches the wrapper again and throws it back again) Stubborn Jackass.
Zaknafein - (catches the wrapper again and throws it back) Smelly assassin.
Entreri - (catches the wrapper blah blah blah) Mindless zombie.
Zaknafein - (you can guess) Atomic mouth.
Entreri - (as above) Barf-o-roni.
Zaknafein - (need I continue) Camel breath.
Entreri - (this is starting to sound like a movie I saw) Dome-head.
Zaknafein - (becomes offended for the first time) Funkoid.
Entreri - (I'm not gonna bother, you know they're still throwing that wrapper at each other) What are we on?
Zaknafein - (thinks) Uh... G.
Entreri - Gack face.
Zaknafein - (still throwing the wrapper) Hose brain.
Entreri - Ow, my shoulder hurts. (pauses to stretch his arm)
Zaknafein - Will you just throw the wrapper!
Entreri - Sorry. (resumes throwing) Bastard son of a caribou.
Zaknafein - (impressed) Nice parry, old man.
Entreri - (fumbles the throw) You're older than me!
Zaknafein - (catches the throw even though it falls short of its mark) Your point, Skirt chaser.
Berg'inyon/Drizzt - (in awe) OOoo...
Berg'inyon - (slowly) Nice one.
Semdai - (comes trotting over) Whatcha doing over here?
Drizzt - Watching Zak and Entreri go at it.
Berg'inyon - That sounded wrong.
Drizzt - I think that's the point of this ramble.
Semdai - It is actually. So what'd I miss?
Berg'inyon - Zak called Entreri a 'Skirt Chaser' and we're waiting for Entreri's response.
Drizzt - Where's Dantrag?
Semdai - (evilly) He's going for a short vacation.
Drizzt - I'm not gonna ask.
Entreri - (has to think for a moment before throwing the wrapper again) Semdai's Boy Toy.
Jarlaxle/Drizzt/Berg'inyon - (gasp)
Semdai - (whistles) That's hitting below the belt if I ever heard so.
Zaknafein - (is very insulted but still catches the wrapper) Lllllllaaaambas bread. (elongating his L)
FYI - I watched the cast commentary of The Two Towers Extended Version and Sean Astin talked about having to elongate his L's when they said Lambas bread and it annoys the crap out of my family when I do it.
Entreri - (his eye twitches) Eunuch.
Zaknafein - (calmly) Llllllllllllllllllaaaaaammmmmbas bread!
Entreri - (twitches harder) Scrawny elf.
Zaknafein - (calmly but with huge grin) Lllllllllllllaaaaaaaaammmbaaaaaasssss bread.
Entreri - (twitching uncontrollably and giving in to the rage) Paladin!
Zaknafein - (longest of them all) LLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAMMMMMMBAAAASSS bread.
Entreri - (gets hit with the wrapper and falls to the ground writhing) No more lambas bread!
Zaknafein - (for good measure) Lllllambas bread.
Entreri - Ahhh! (runs screaming from the restaurant and into the street)
Semdai - Artemis wait! Look both ways before you cross the street!
Entreri - (stops in the middle of the lane) DON'T CALL ME ARTEMIS!!! (suddenly gets hit by a semi-truck) Ahhh! (goes flying)
Semdai - (shocked) Uh oh.
Drizzt - You suppose we should go help him?
Semdai - We have to!
Berg'inyon - Why?
Semdai - (frantically) Because I don't have enough money to bribe RAS into not suing me for killing his character. (runs out to the road, stops and looks both ways at the wreckage around her, then runs to the prone form of Entreri who is sprawled in the middle of the road.) Uh... Entreri?
Entreri's mangled form - (no response)...
Semdai - (gently nudges him with her toe) Entreri, this isn't funny. (very worried by now)
(Berg'inyon, Zaknafein, and Drizzt, dragging Jarlaxle behind them come out and form a circle around Entreri's mangled form)
Drizzt - Do you think he's dead?
Zaknafein - I think he's dead.
Berg'inyon - He looks dead.
Jarlaxle - He's all pale, I think he IS dead.
Drizzt - He was always pale, that doesn't mean he's dead.
Semdai - Oh look! I think he moved, maybe he's not dead!
(They all take a closer look and see that Entreri is indeed still breathing and not dead)
Zaknafein - He's not dead.
Drizzt - You're right, he's NOT dead.
Berg'inyon - I though he was dead.
Jarlaxle - He still looks dead.
Drizzt - He always looked dead.
Semdai - What do we do with him now that we know he's not dead?
Berg'inyon - How much longer will he stay not dead?
Drizzt - You never know with the dead.
Zaknafein - But he's not dead.
Jarlaxle - He still looks dead.
Drizzt - I agree with Jarlaxle, he looks dead.
Some Random Fat Police Officer[SRFPO] - (comes over) Excuse me, people, but do you know this man who looks dead?
Semdai - Yes sir, we know this man who looks dead.
SRFPO - Is he dead?
Jarlaxle - He looks dead.
Berg'inyon - We don't think he's dead.
Semdai - Even though he looks dead.
SRFPO - Why are you all ending your sentences with 'dead?'
Berg'inyon - (points at Semdai) It's her fault, Sir, Semdai is guilty of making Entreri here look dead.
Semdai - (glares at Berg'inyon) The penalty for turning on the author is to become dead.
Berg'inyon - (dives under a nearby car) I don't wanna be dead!
Semdai - There's nothing to worry about here, Sir, we'll take care of Entreri, (pauses to check Entreri's pulse) who is not dead.
SRFPO - Well carry on then. (tips his hat and walks to the donut shop next to the Taco Bell)
Drizzt - Berg'inyon, come out from under that car and help us carry our seemingly dead comrade who is in fact not dead.
Zaknafein - Can we stop saying dead?
Semdai - Why would you want to stop saying dead?
Zaknafein - It's hard to make every sentence end with dead.
Semdai - Ok you can stop saying dead.
Berg'inyon - That's better.
Semdai - (kicks Berg'inyon in the shin)
Berg'inyon - (hops on his good leg) What was that for?
Semdai - You broke the dead chain.
Berg'inyon - (decides not to argue)
Semdai - Now help me carry seemingly dead Artemis back to my place.
Entreri's mangled form - (mumbles something incoherent)
Drizzt - What did he say?
Semdai - He said, "Don't call me Artemis."
Drizzt - How do you know?
Semdai - (gives him a look)
Drizzt - Oh yeah, that author thing.
(They all ban together to carry Entreri up the fifty flights of stairs to Semdai's apartment)
Semdai - (takes Entreri's full weight as they reach the top) Well that was refreshing.
Drizzt - (falls down in exhaustion) Refreshing?
Berg'inyon/Zaknafein - (follow suit and collapse) Asanque! [drow word that means 'likewise']
Jarlaxle - (equally tire but trying to win back Semdai's heart) You all are just out of shape.
Semdai - (is touched by Jarlaxle's performance) Oh my big, strong, Jarlaxle! (remembers the task at hand and adds in a sexy voice) I'll see you after this chapter.
Jarlaxle - Booyah! (jumps for joy) Got my mojo back!
Drizzt - Mojo?
Jarlaxle - Yes, mojo.
Semdai - (dumps the unconscious Entreri on the couch) Now what shall we do with our mangled friend here?
Drizzt - (slowly) Tough question.
Berg'inyon - (mocks Drizzt) Very tough. Very hard. (pause) Sounds very wrong.
Drizzt - (calmly) Berg'inyon, shut up.
Berg'inyon - (equally calm) Make me.
Semdai - (doesn't bother to turn her head) Both of you be quiet, you're interrupting my train of thought.
Zaknafein - (communicates with the drow hand code) Fragile thing, Semdai's train of thought.
Drizzt - (signals back) Noted.
Berg'inyon - (also signals) Gotcha.
Semdai - (taking no notice of the males) I suppose I could shock him like I did with Zak in the last chapter...
Zaknafein - (remembers the incident and involuntarily rubs his ears) Right...
Semdai - (thinking as she speaks) I'll need a stronger charge though... (picks up the TV remote and tosses it to Jarlaxle) When I give you the signal start flipping the TV on and off.
Jarlaxle - (catches the remote) Why?
Semdai - (walks over to the TV) You'll see. (takes her hair out of its ponytail and rubs her head against the screen) Now.
Jarlaxle - (repeatedly presses the on/off button on the remote) Won't this break the TV?
Semdai - No I do it all the time. (pauses for a moment to gather static energy) Stop.
Jarlaxle - (Does so) Now what?
Semdai - (her brown hair now stands on end in several places) Observe. (she rubs her fingers over her scalp and then brings her hands close to Entreri's ears)
Zaknafein - (shifts his balance nervously)
Semdai - (calmly) Clear. (jams her index fingers into Entreri's ears and releases the static electricity)
FYI - Because I have thin, easily magnatized hair, I can actually do this.
Entreri - (leaps up holding his ears) Ack! Not the ears! (doubles over and falls off the couch in pain) Ow!
Semdai - (trying to be optimistic) At least now he's awake.
Zaknafein - I think you've traumatized him for life.
Semdai - Zak, will you go to my room and drag Kellindil out from under my bed please? I believe his elvish abilities could help with Entreri.
Zaknafein - Sure.
(Zaknafein enters the next room and peeks under the bed. Sure enough, Kellindil is curled up between the bed and the floor shaking badly)
Zaknafein - Time to come out, Kellindil. (reaches for Kellindil)
Kellindil - (hisses and bite Zak's hand)
Zaknafein - (jumps back holding his hand) Ouch! Oh you asked for it now. (produces a giant globe of darkness around the bed and lines Kellindil with faerie fire)
Kellindil - Eek! (dashes out from under the bed to find a better hiding spot)
Zaknafein - (tackles Kellindil and tries to hold him but gets bit several more times on the arm) You'll pay for that, Faerie! [drow name for surface elf]
Kellindil - (squirms desperately and manages to get away, hissing and biting the whole time)
Zaknafein - (is left on the floor holding his bleeding hand and arm) Damn Faerie. (stalks back into the living room)
Drizzt - What happened to you?
Zaknafein - I think Kellindil is rabid or something.
Semdai - (examines Zak's wounds) Bite marks?
Jarlaxle - (also examines the wounds) Are you sure Kellindil is rabid?
Zaknafein - (sternly) He was crazed, he bit me.
Semdai - (shivers) This sounds like a movie I saw.
Jarlaxle - What movie?
Semdai - Resident Evil.
Jarlaxle - I don't think I saw that one.
Semdai - Well there were these undercover, government scientists who were doing illegal experiments in a secret underground lab and they created this nasty, evil virus that turns the living into crazy, undead monsters and turns the dead into stupid, but invincible, monsters.
Jarlaxle - Don't tell me anymore I wanna go see the movie.
Semdai - But what if Kellindil has somehow contracted this deadly virus?
Drizzt - What happened next?
Semdai - These military guys came in and were investigating the labs where the T-Virus was made and one of them got bit and got the virus and became an evil, mindless zombie.
Zaknafein - (very afraid) I don't wanna be zombie again! (hides his face in his hands)
Semdai - (hugs Zaknafein) Don't worry Zaky, I won't let you become a zombie again, I didn't go through all that trouble restoring your body to lose you to some stupid virus now! I won't allow you to become like the bunny!
Zaknafein - (fearfully) What about the bunny?
Semdai - The scientists injected this cute, little, white bunny with the virus and it became this monstrous bear-like creature that got bigger and uglier as the movie went on and it got to eat people. (shivers) And its organs were on the outside.
Zaknafein - (gulps and falls to his knees and hugs Semdai's legs nearly toppling her over) Don't let them take me, Semdai!
Jarlaxle - (screws up his face trying to hide his jealousy)
Semdai - (reaches down and pulls Zak off her legs) Don't worry, Zak, we'll find the cure. (pats him on the head) Come loyal dog-like followers, we must find Dantrag and begin our search for Kellindil.
Drizzt - What about Entreri?
Semdai - I don't know, I'll ask. (walks over to a twitching Entreri) Wanna come with us?
Entreri - Where're you going?
Semdai - To relocate Dantrag then hunt down Kellindil and find out what's wrong with him.
Entreri - (trying to decide) Go hunting elves and running the risk of further injury or stay behind and be bored out of my mind while I heal from getting hit by a truck. (thinks) I think I'll go with you guys.
Semdai - Good. (snaps her fingers and heals Entreri's wounds) We could use your fighting prowess should Kellindil decide to struggle.
Entreri - When are we going?
Semdai - (offers Entreri a hand up) As soon as you get off the floor and Zak stops bleeding all over the place.
Entreri - (takes the offered hand and stands shakily) Where do we start?
Semdai - Let's look in the bedroom and see what we can find.
(The six of them move toward Semdai's room but Berg'inyon stops them at the door)
Berg'inyon - I think Zak should go in first.
Zaknafein - Why me?
Berg'inyon - Because you're already infected with whatever Kellindil has and he can't hurt you anymore.
Jarlaxle - (thinks on the idea) Good point, (nudges Zak) Go on Zak, we're all right behind you.
Berg'inyon - (adds encouragingly) Yeah, we're just a pain-filled cry away.
Zaknafein - (grumbles but proceeds forward anyway) Kellindil?
(Chirping crickets)
Semdai - (puzzled) I'd like to know where those crickets are coming from.
Jarlaxle - Hey crickets are good luck, right?
Semdai - Right you are, devilishly charming drow with the outrageously plumed hat.
Drizzt - I don't think Kellindil is in here.
Zaknafein - (hears a sound like water dropping) Huh?
Drizzt - (notices Zak's expression) What is it, Zak?
Zaknafein - (looks up just in case) Run away!
(Everyone looks up in time to see Kellindil, who is starting to look like Gollum, staring at them hungrily from the ceiling, drool dripping from his maw.)
Semdai - (fearful) Kellindil?
Kellindil - (hisses and climbs across the ceiling like a spider)
Semdai - Oh no! He DOES have the T-Virus!
Zaknafein - Like I said, run away! (turns tail and runs from the room, the others quickly follow suit)
Kellindil - (snarls and jumps at the last of the group, which happens to be Semdai)
Semdai - (gets tackled by the crazed elf) Eek!
Jarlaxle - (turns and sees Semdai trying to fight off the crazed Kellindil) Oh no, Semdai is being attacked by the virus infected Kellindil. I should save her, but what if Kellindil bites me? Oh damn these heroic instincts! (draws two swords and charges at Kellindil)
Kellindil - (looks up to see the charging dark elf and changes his mind about attacking) EEE! (jumps off Semdai and leaps out the open window)
Jarlaxle - Oh damn! Why is there always an escape route for the antagonists but not for the protagonists? (sheaths his swords and walks over to Semdai, kneeling next to her) Semdai?
Semdai - (doesn't respond)...
Jarlaxle - (shakes her shoulder lightly, growing concerned) Semdai?
(The other four slowly re-enter the room and gasp at the sight of their fallen ringleader)
Jarlaxle - (scoops Semdai up and holds her in his arms) C'mon Semdai, wake up! (growing frantic)
Drizzt - (becomes worried) This does not look good.
Zaknafein - (steps over to Jarlaxle and joins him in his effort to wake Semdai)
Berg'inyon - (worried) Is she dead?
Drizzt - (more worried) Is she infected?
Zaknafein - (shakes his head) I think we lost her, Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - (frantic) No! We can't lose her or the story will end!
Zaknafein - (gently) All things end Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - (wails) Why wasn't I fast enough! Why couldn't I save her!
Zaknafein - (bows his head) We'll miss you, Semdai, you might not have been the best thing that happened to us, but you defiantly weren't on the bad list.
Jarlaxle - (still wailing) We never got to go to Venice like we planned!
Zaknafein - (very sadly) I think all of us will forever remember the time we spent with you, Semdai Bloodquill, and all of us will hold you in some special place in our hearts and minds.
Entreri - (in his mind) Yeah, in the 'Do not enter' section.
Zaknafein - (sniffles) Does anyone else want to say something?
Drizzt - (shakes his head) I never thought it would end like this.
Berg'inyon - (sadly) We should have had more adventures together before the end.
Entreri - (sighs) Such a waste of life.
(Revered silence)
Entreri - (starts humming the Lothlorien theme from Lord of the Rings purly on impulse...oh fine I admit it, I made him do it, now are you happy)
Zaknafein/Berg'inyon/Jarlaxle/Drizzt - (all join in and start singing the lament for Gandalf)
(Song ends after a while and revered silence is restored with lots of bowed heads)
Meanwhile...
Catti-brie - (leaning over the scrying mirror) Can it be?
Bruenor - (who can't see because he is too short) Can what be, girl?
Catti-brie - (hopefully) If this device is to be believed, then Semdai is dead.
Wulfgar - (shocked) Dead? How is that possible?
Catti-brie - (pretending not to know) Apparently, Kellindil has contracted some sort of disease or mutation or something and has attacked Semdai.
Wulfgar - Shouldn't we help her?
Catti-brie - (appalled) Of course not, she tried to kill me. And has in her other stories.
Wulfgar - I think someone flamed her for that story and none of her friends liked it anyway.
Catti-brie - Still, she deserves what she gets, and with her out of the way we can rescue Drizzt.
Bruenor - (slaps his axe across his chest) Well lets get going and rescue the elf.
Wulfgar - (looks over to Dantrag) What about him?
Catti-brie - (also glances at their hostage, who is gagged and tied to a chair) One of us should stay and watch him.
Wulfgar - (volunteers) I'll stay.
Catti-brie - Then Bruenor and I will go collect Drizzt.
(They leave. Wulfgar makes himself comfortable in front of Dantrag)
Wulfgar - So... yeah... How's your life?
Dantrag - (gives him 'the finger')
Wulfgar - (calmly punches Dantrag in the face) Now that wasn't polite at all.
Dantrag - (in his mind) Bastard son of a caribou...
Meanwhile...
Semdai - (sniffles and rubs her teary eyes) That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said about me.
Zaknafein - (sadly) Glad you're happy with it. (suddenly realizes who spoke) Whoa! Semdai's NOT dead!
Semdai - (simply) Well yeah. If you scroll up a ways you'll notice that nowhere does it say 'Semdai dies.'
Jarlaxle - (relieved) Don't ever scare me like that again! (buries Semdai in a crushing hug)
Semdai - (under Jarlaxle's arms) Zaknafein, that was the best eulogy I've heard in a long time.
Zaknafein - You really thought so?
Semdai - (nods) It was touching. And when you all started singing (sniffles) you guys are the best.
Drizzt - (falls over backward from relief)
Entreri - (calmly) Oh my Gods, you killed Drizzt.
Berg'inyon - (on impulse) You bastard!
Semdai - (attempt to reach in her pocket but can't because Jarlaxle is still hugging her) Jarlaxle dear, you can stop hugging me now.
Jarlaxle - (stops hugging abruptly) Sorry.
Semdai - (reaches into her pocket and pulls out a mexi-fry and throws it at Berg'inyon) I was not born out of wedlock!
Berg'inyon - (dives out of the room and slides under the couch) Flying mexi- fry! Take cover!
Semdai - I think things are going back to normal.
Zaknafein - Wait a second! Semdai, you're not infected are you?
Semdai - (looks herself over) I don't think so. Jarlaxle, how's my neck?
Jarlaxle - (examines Semdai's throat) Soft and silky like always.
Semdai - I mean did Kellindil bite my neck.
Jarlaxle - (embarrassed) Oh. (looks again) There's two blemishes, one on each side, that look like bite marks.
Entreri - (sneers) Are either of them yours from the last chapter?
Semdai - I know the one on the left is Jarlaxle's.
Jarlaxle - (examines the left one) Yeah that one's from me.
Berg'inyon - (grossed out) Eew! That's sick!
Zaknafein - (ignores Berg'inyon) How about the other one?
Jarlaxle - (looks at the right one) Now this one did NOT come from me.
Zaknafein - (also looking) You're right, it's too recent and it's still oozing blood. (simply) Kellindil did it.
Jarlaxle - (angered) Damn that Kellindil for marking Semdai's neck with his bite. (wrings his hands)
Zaknafein - Calm down Jarlaxle, you'll get your revenge. (pats him on the shoulder)
Jarlaxle - (his eyes gleam) I'll get him. (Gollum-like) He'll pay for harming my precious...
Zaknafein - (slowly with darting eyes) O. K. Jarlaxle's gone psycho.
Entreri - Correction, Jarlaxle's gone Gollum.
Jarlaxle - (stands and pulls Semdai up, sadly) This means you're infected too, Precious.
Semdai - (sniffles) I know.
Entreri - (aside to Berg'inyon) Is it just me or does Semdai appear to have the powers of the One Ring?
Jarlaxle - (tragically) And now we can't fool around until you're cured.
Berg'inyon - (aside to Entreri) She's really got him whipped.
Semdai - (dramatically) This is the test of our love, Jarlaxle! (clings to his arm) You have to suppress your male urges until I am cured and not seek out another woman if you truly love me!
Jarlaxle - (equally dramatic) I will never have another orgasm until you are cured of this infection Semdai!
Entreri - (suppresses the urge to vomit) All this love is making me nauseous...
Berg'inyon - (clutching his ears) Make them stop!
Zaknafein - (sighs dreamily) Ah, young love.
Entreri - (disgusted) What do you mean young love?! He's thirty-five times her age!
Zaknafein - True love knows no boundaries of age.
Entreri - (groans like he's going to hurl) I'll be back. (runs to the bathroom and wretches)
Berg'inyon - (follows Entreri) Right behind you!
Drizzt - (gets up and sees Jarlaxle and Semdai dramatically holding each other) Aww... Isn't that cute?
Zaknafein - (sighs) I know.
Kellindil - (sticks his head in the window) You all make me sick! (disappears)
Jarlaxle - (whirls around) Ha! There he goes! After him!
Semdai - (has a revelation) Wait! He spoke coherently! That means he doesn't have the T-Virus!
Zaknafein - (hopefully) So we're NOT infected?
Semdai - Not with the T-Virus.
Zaknafein/Jarlaxle - (sigh with relief)
(Catti-brie and Bruenor enter the living room. They don't see anyone)
Catti-brie - Drizzt?
Drizzt - (sticks his head out the door and sees the pair) Shh. You'll ruin the moment.
Bruenor - (confused) What moment?
Drizzt - (beckons for them to join him in the doorway) Come see.
Catti-brie - (thinking she's going to see a dead Semdai, eagerly complies)
Bruenor - (follows quietly)
Drizzt - (clasps his hands together and rests them against his cheek dreamily) Isn't that cute?
Catti-brie - (sees Semdai and Jarlaxle and is outraged) NO!
Jarlaxle/zaknafin/Semdai - (turn to see the interruption)
Catti-brie - (points at Semdai) You are supposed to be dead!
Bruenor - (scratches his head) Yeah, weird.
Catti-brie - (squints at Bruenor) Let me see that vial. (holds out her hand)
Bruenor - (pulls a vial out of his pocket) The one with the poison you had me slip in Kellindil's drink?
Catti-brie - (snatches the vial) Yes, that vial. (examines it) Bruenor, this is not T-Virus!
Bruenor - (confused) It isn't?
Catti-brie - (outraged) This is extract of Rabies! (throws the vial at Bruenor and stomps toward the door)
Semdai - (tackles Catti-brie, pinning her down) You mean YOU did this to me, Zaknafein, and Kellindil!?
Catti-brie - (glares at Semdai) Yes, I did it! And only I have the cure!
Semdai - (grins evilly) I'll bite you.
Catti-brie - (threateningly) Bite me and Dantrag pays the price.
Semdai - (outraged) What have you done to Dantrag!
Catti-brie - (thinking she has the advantage) He is my prisoner! And until you cease this madness and release Drizzt, then he will stay my prisoner!
Drizzt - (shocked) Why would you do this, Catti-brie?
Catti-brie - (turns to Drizzt) I did this for you, Drizzt, so you could escape Semdai's vile clutches! (pulls a long knife out of her boot and drives it under Semdai's ribs and into her organs, afterwards dashing for the door with Bruenor close behind) I did it for you, Drizzt! (escapes)
(Entreri and Berg'inyon dash out of the bathroom in time to see Catti-brie and Bruenor escape while Semdai falls to the ground, a knife hilt protruding from her ribs.)
Entreri - We sure have a lot of dashing in this ramble.
Drizzt - (being the closest to Semdai, falls to his knees at her side) No!
Jarlaxle - (drops down on Semdai's other side) Semdai, can you hear us?
Zaknafein - (growls) Not again. (rushes to Semdai's side, next to Drizzt)
Entreri/Berg'inyon - (sigh and hurry over as well)
Semdai - (groaning) I'm fine, you guys. (grasps the hilt of the knife) Her powers are far less than mine, I'll survive. (starts to pull the knife out but has to stop from the pain) I don't suppose one of you could pull this thing out of me?
Zaknafein - (moves up) I'll do it.
Jarlaxle - (protests) But I was gonna volunteer.
Semdai - (notices the need for an intervention) But Jarlaxle, I need you to hold me while Zak takes the knife out. (puts on her best puppy-dog eyes) It hurts so badly you know.
Jarlaxle - (loose his nerve and holds Semdai in his lap) Go Zak.
Zaknafein - (slides the knife carefully out of Semdai's ribs)
Semdai - (when the knife is fully out) That's much better, thank you boys.
Drizzt - (kind of lost in thought) Now what?
Semdai - Help me up, Jarlaxle. (he does so) Now we go after Catti-brie and save Dantrag and Kellindil.
Entreri - (whines) Do we have to?
Semdai - (sternly) Yes, we have to. (starts impersonating Aragorn from LOTR) We will not abandon Dantrag and Kellindil to torment and death... (the others look at her with admiration) not while we have strength left! Leave all that can be spared behind...(she slips Catti-brie's dagger into her boot and motions for everyone to collect their weapons) We travel light. (devilish grin) Let us hunt girl.
(The others cheer, totally under Semdai's Aragorn Impression Spell)
Semdai - To the elevator! (dashes off)
Berg'inyon - (shocked) You mean there's an elevator and we still carried Entreri up the stairs!
To be continued...
AN : How very fun this story is to write. Though reading it is fun too. At least for me. Well, coming up next chapter Entreri becomes obsessed with a certain type of music, some new people join the ranks of Semdai, and Catti-brie is gonna get a rude awkening. Until next time, feel free to flame.
PS : Eventually there will be trick-or-treating and I need places to send our (coughs) heros, so please review and tell me where you would like to see them go, suggest as many places as you want and I will try my best to get them there. ~Semdai Bloodquill