The Halloweenies
By Semdai Bloodquill
Chapter Three Part Two : Pink Floyd, Pregnancy Tests, and Puzzling Problems
(At the doctor's office in the waiting room, Semdai has gone into the back room [after many frustrated cries of, "why can't I own FR?"] to receive her rabies shots. The rest of the troupe occupies the waiting room as they await her return.)
Entreri - (hums Rob Zombie while polishing his dagger)
Drizzt - (approaches the counter and addresses the receptionist) Excuse me ma'am.
Receptionist - (looks up from her paper work) Yes? (bats her eyelashes flirtingly)
Drizzt - (nervously) Do you have a pencil and paper?
Receptionist - (scribbles something on a note-pad then hands it and a pencil to Drizzt while she flashes him a flirting smile) Sure, tall, dark, and handsome. (sexy grin)
Drizzt - (very nervous) Erm... thank you... (hurries back to his seat and sits down)
Zak - (peeks at what the receptionist wrote) Drizzt (slyly) you lady killer.
Drizzt - What?
Zak - She gave you her number. (nudges Drizzt in the ribs) Stud.
Berg'inyon - (has been watching the whole time, shakes his head slowly and returns to his magazine)
Jarlaxle - (sulking in a chair by the window) I miss Semdai.
Entreri - (looks up from polishing) Quit whining, drow, Semdai'll be back before you know it. Then you two can run off together and screw around 'til your heart's content.
Jarlaxle - (sighs dreamily)
Nurse - Mr. Zaknafein Do'Urden!
Zak - (hops up) Yes.
Nurse - Follow me please.
Zak - (does so)
Entreri - (without looking up) Dead Drow Walking!
Zak - (gives Entreri the finger)
Entreri - (still doesn't look up) My house or yours!
Zak - (gets herded into the other back room before he can respond)
Drizzt - (shakes his head slowly and resumes drawing)
Berg'inyon - (rolls his eyes)
(The 'Jurassic Park' tune starts playing)
Jarlaxle - Ooh! I've got a call. (pulls out his cell phone which is the source of the Jurassic Park music)
Berg'inyon - Why would you set your cell phone to play Jurassic Park?
Entreri - Where did you get a cell phone anyway?
Jarlaxle - (answers the phone) Hello?
Semdai - (on the phone) Is that you Jarlaxle?
Jarlaxle - Yeah.
Semdai - I've got news.
Jarlaxle - (excited) You're cured!
Semdai - Actually it's bad news.
Jarlaxle - (crestfallen) What's that?
Semdai - Give the phone to Drizzt.
Jarlaxle - Why?
Semdai - I'm gonna scare the living crap out of him so play along.
Jarlaxle - Drizzt, it's for you. (throws the phone to Drizzt)
Drizzt - (catches the phone and puts it to his ear) Hello?
Semdai - That you Drizzt?
Drizzt - Yeah, Is that you, Semdai?
Semdai - I don't have a lot of time left.
Drizzt - What do you mean?
Semdai - They can't cure me.
Drizzt - (voice rising) What are you saying?
The others - (stare at Drizzt)
Semdai - I borrowed my dad's shotgun.
Drizzt - (frantic) What are you doing with a gun?!
Berg'inyon - (confused) What's going on?
Drizzt - (panicking) I think Semdai's gonna shoot herself!
Entreri - (jumps up, dropping his dagger) What! (grabs the phone from Drizzt) Semdai, don't you dare shoot yourself! You can't leave me stranded in this screwed up place alone!
Drizzt - (grabs the phone back) Give me that! Semdai!
Semdai - I've got the gun to my head now, it's loaded and cocked and everything.
Drizzt - Don't do it!
(Huge gunshot sound from over the phone)
Drizzt - (drops the phone) Holy Meilikki!
Entreri/Berg'inyon/Drizzt/Jarlaxle - (dash for the phone) No Semdai!
(Silence on the other end)
All - Semdai!
Semdai - (laughs her ass off)
Drizzt - (faints)
Berg'inyon - (panting) Lloth have mercy.
Jarlaxle - That was an oxymoron!
Semdai - (mocking) No, Semdai, no. Don't do it, Sem!
Entreri - (leans back) That's an evil girl.
Jarlaxle - (regaining his breath) That was a good one, Precious.
Semdai - (still giggling) Had you going there, didn't I?
Jarlaxle - (to the other guys) She's right proud of herself.
Entreri - (stressed) Of course she is! (slowly) Evil girl...
Jarlaxle - (regains the phone) Hey, Precious, didn't something like this happen in a movie we say?
Semdai - The deleted scenes from The Boondock Saints?
Jarlaxle - Yeah that's the one. Why are you parodying that movie? None of the readers have probably seen it, or even heard of it.
Semdai - I couldn't resist. I love that scene. (pause) Oh crap!
Jarlaxle - What?
Semdai - Looks like I caused a stir with that shot. There's a bunch of people coming out. Well I'll see you guys in a few minutes. Granted I can escape this damn crowd.
Jarlaxle - (smiles) See ya later, Precious. (hangs up)
Meanwhile...
Zak - (strapped to a table) What are you gonna do to me?
Doctor - (holding a needle) You're only getting a shot.
Zak - (frantic) Then why am I strapped to this table!?
Doctor - (simply) We have to make sure you don't run off.
Zak - (gulps)
Doctor - Nurse, please remove the patient's shirt.
Zak - Whoa! (scared) Why are you stripping me!
Doctor - Rabies shots must be injected into the stomach.
Zak - (screams) Mommy!
Nurse - (lifts Zak's shirt away from his stomach) Are you an athlete Mr. Do'Urden?
Zak - (nervous) I used to train fighters for House Do'Urden.
Nurse - (touches Zak's muscular stomach) Do you work out?
Zak - (panicking) Why are you touching me there?
Doctor - Hold still now. (sticks a big, scary needle into Zak's belly)
Zak - (screams) MOMMY!!!
Back in the waiting room...
(Semdai has returned ands is entertaining everyone by performing Pink Floyd's The Wall)
Semdai - (singing) We don't need no education!
Jarlaxle - (bobs his head)
Semdai - We don't need no thought control!
Drizzt - (imitates playing the drums)
Semdai - No dark sarcasm in the classroom!
Entreri - (clutches his ears as he tries to shut the song out)
Semdai - Teachers leave them kids alone!
Berg'inyon - (quirks an eyebrow)
(The back room door opens and Zak stumbles out)
Semdai - (stops singing) Zak!
Zak - (looks up, a crazed expression in his eyes)
The others - (stare at Zak)
Zak - (starts screaming 'Another Brick in the Wall Part 3) I don't need no arms around me!
Semdai - (joins) And I don't need no drugs to calm me!
Zak - I have seen the writing on the wall!
Semdai - Don't think I need anything at all!
Zak - No! Don't think I'll need anything at all!
Semdai/Zak - All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall!
Others - (staring in confusion)
Semdai/Zak - All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall!
Entreri - (holding his head) Make it stop!
Jarlaxle - (confused) Make what stop?
Entreri - Pink Floyd and Rob Zombie are fighting inside my head!
Semdai - (scratches her head) How did that happen?
Entreri - (rolls on the ground) Make them stop!
Semdai - SILENCE!!
(crickets chirping)
Semdai - Better?
Entreri - (slowly) Yeah... a little...
Semdai - Good. Let's go save Kellindil and Dantrag! (runs for the door)
Meanwhile...
Catti-brie - (fiddling with the scrying mirror) Stupid, cheap ACME Scrying Device. (kicks it)
Wulfgar - (eating a Big Mac and throwing fries at Dantrag's head) Let me guess, it broke?
Catti-brie - (angrily) Yes it broke. Now I can't spy on Semdai.
(Pounding on the door)
Catti-brie - (scared) Eek! (dives behind the scrying device)
Wulfgar - (calmly) Lay off the caffeine, Catti.
Bruenor - (answers the door) Calm down girl, it's just Ivan and Pikel.
Pikel - Doodad!
Ivan - (bows) How're ya doin' King Bruenor?
Bruenor - We're trying ta get the elf outta trouble.
Ivan - Drizzt?
Bruenor - Yeah... Some crazy wench has got him stuck with her and we're aiming to get him out.
Ivan - Pikel an' me saw 'em on our way over here.
Catti-brie - (pops up) You did!
Pikel - Yup yup.
Catti-brie - Where?! (grabs Ivan's tunic) Where?!
Ivan - (nervous) They was heading to the doctor's place.
Catti-brie - (gasps) She's going to have Drizzt brain-washed so that he will forget about us and fight on her side!
Ivan - ???
Pikel - Oi?
Wulfgar - (takes aim at Dantrag's nose) Is that so? (throws a fry)
Dantrag - (annoyed about being tied to a chair and having fries thrown at him) Are you having fun or something?
Wulfgar - Yes, actually I am.
Dantrag - (very agitated) Can't you get your kicks somewhere else?
Wulfgar - Where's the fun in that? (throws another fry at Dantrag)
Catti-brie - Wulfgar! Stop playing around, we have work to do.
Semdai - (from the doorway) Oh let him have his fun.
Catti-brie - (gasps) How did YOU get here!?
Semdai - (simply) I teleported of course.
Catti-brie - (points at Semdai) I command you to release Drizzt!
Semdai - (picks at a hangnail) You shouldn't point at people, it's rude.
Catti-brie - Release Drizzt or we will destroy you!
Semdai - (sarcastically) You and what army?
Catti-brie - (looks around and realizes her army is very small) I will rally all the goodly races against you! Then once you are gone, Drizzt will remember his love for me.
Semdai - (exasperated) Don't tell me you're STILL sore because you didn't get Drizzt in Mirror Me Dark.
Catti-brie - You gave him to some drow slut you just created out of thin air instead of remaining true to the original RAS books and acknowledging how Drizzt and I belong together. (hopeless romantic)
Semdai - (technical voice) Drizzt himself admits in Thousand Orcs that he could never give you children, Catti-brie. It was decreed by RAS that you and Drizzt could never have a family together.
Catti-brie - (holds her head) No! It's not true!
Semdai - (shakes her head) You're hopeless. (she and Dantrag vanish)
Wulfgar - Ah nuts, she took my target.
Catti-brie - (falls to her knees) Oh Drizzt... (sadly) is it true? Did RAS really write such a thing about us? Are we really not meant to be?
Bruenor - Are you Ok?
Catti-brie - (leaps up) I must know the truth! (runs out the door)
Bruenor - (sighs) C'mon, we better make sure she doesn't hurt anyone.
Wulfgar - Or herself.
(They follow Catti-brie)
Back to our heroes and heroine...
(Outside the doctor's office)
Semdai - (reappears with Dantrag clinging to her waist)
Dantrag - (hugs Semdai around the middle) Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you- thank-you!
Semdai - (pats Dantrag's head) It's all right now, Dantrag, Catti-brie isn't gonna get you.
Berg'inyon - (hugs Dantrag) Brother! You're back!
Dantrag - (eyes popping as he clings to Semdai) Organs- (strained) exploding-
Berg'inyon - Sorry. (lets go)
Dantrag - (notices something) Semdai are you getting bigger?
Semdai - (confused) What do you mean?
Dantrag - You seem to be putting on some weight.
Entreri - (looks at Jarlaxle suspiciously) Would YOU have anything to do with that, Jarlaxle?
Jarlaxle - (innocently) Why would I make Semdai eat excessively thus causing her to gain weight?
Dantrag - (still holding Semdai's waist) You know that's not what he means.
Drizzt - You and Sem did disappear for a couple pages in chapter one, Jarlaxle.
Semdai - That can't have happened, we used protection.
Jarlaxle - (deep voice) Trojan Man!
Zak - (pats Jarlaxle on the shoulder) Congratulations Jarlaxle, you might be the father of the first half drow ever.
Jarlaxle - (thinks on the idea) Wow... this is heavy...
Berg'inyon - Wait! How do we know that Semdai is pregnant for sure?
Entreri - Hey Dantrag, feel any kicking?
Drizzt - It's too early for that. The only way we can know for sure is a pregnancy test.
Entreri - (sarcastically) Where are we gonna get a pregnancy test? Thanks to Semdai, we're teenagers, you know.
Berg'inyon - He's right, we can't even buy alcohol anymore, how will we get our hands on a pregnancy test?
Semdai - What say we discuss this WHILE we look for Kellindil?
Jarlaxle - Good idea, Precious.
Semdai - (claps her hands together) Alrighty then, as soon as Dantrag lets go of my waist, we can go.
Dantrag - (lets go)
(They start walking down the street)
Semdai - (in the lead) What were we talking about?
Jarlaxle - (beside Semdai) How we can get a pregnancy test.
Semdai - Oh yeah. Sorry guys, sometimes the hamster falls asleep at the wheel.
Berg'inyon - (shakes his head) Weal... [drow for: Fool]
Semdai - (throws a pebble at Berg'inyon) Bastard.
Berg'inyon - (dives behind Entreri) Pebble! Take cover!
Entreri - Hey! Don't use me as a shield!
Semdai - (not paying attention) I've been wondering something.
Drizzt - What's that?
Semdai - Why do we change the name of an animal after we kill it?
Jarlaxle - That's a good question.
Semdai - A deer becomes venison; a cow becomes beef; a pig becomes pork; a horse becomes... a Whopper!
Drizzt - A Whopper?!
Semdai - Why do you think I hate Burger King. They use horses.
Zak - Here's another one: Why are there ten buttons on a blender? (super fast) Stir, mix, whip, chop, grate, grind, blend, fold, liquefy, mutilate, desecrate, amputate, castrate.
Berg'inyon - (startled) Castrate!?
Semdai - Hypothetically, Berg'inyon.
Zak - (confused) The blades just spin in a circle. Why don't they just tell the truth on the buttons? (really fast again) Kinda fast, fast, faster, really fast, whoa don't put your finger in here now! (lol) Those buttons mean nothing and yet we stand there and wonder which is the right one for the job. (sarcastically) Like someone's gonna spit out there milkshake and scream, 'this has obviously been frapped!'
Semdai - (laughing) Ya know what Jarlaxle, if we do have a kid, we're gonna raise it right. No spoiled brats! (turns to the others) Don't you hate seeing kids like that in public? Their parents are all like, (snotty voice) 'I don't believe in hitting my kids.' (normal voice) Well I believe in hitting your kid, step aside!
(laughs)
Nalfein - You know what's not fair.
Drizzt - What's not fair?
Nalfein - Women get to use sex as a weapon. Men can't do that.
The Others - (they ponder this idea)
Nalfein - I mean what are we gonna say (macho voice) That's it no sex for you tonight. (scoffs) She's probably thinking YES! (the others laugh) I love that expression: Sex as a weapon.
Entreri - (pondering) Could it be used as a weapon to rob a bank? (visualizing) You walk in there naked and yell (yells) Every lie down! (the others laugh some more) Don't make me use this! (pauses while more laughter takes place) Just give me the money and nobody gets laid!
(Laughing)
Dinin - Have you ever walked pass a mirror and sucked your stomach in? (pondering) Then you sigh with relief and say, 'Phew. I almost found out I was fat.'
Semdai - I resemble that remark!
Drizzt - Have you guys ever seen one of those shows where people call up and vote on different issues? They always have 18% I Don't Know. (pause) It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they vote I Don't Know? (imitates an example) Honey, I feel very strongly about this, give me the phone, I don't know!
Jarlaxle - Those people probably call up phone sex girls for $4.95 and say, 'I'm not in the mood!' Click!
(They pass a billboard and stop to read it)
Drizzt - (reading the billboard) New Winston! With no additives.
Semdai - (confused) Who's that for? (sarcastically) The health conscious smokers?
Zak - (sarcastically) What's next? (flamboyant) New heroine with zinc!
Semdai - (looks at the next billboard and reads it) Hank's Big and Tall.
Entreri - Well good for him.
Zak - Hope he's not packing.
Semdai - Why are these 'Big and Tall' stores always called some big name? How come it's never Percy's Big and Tall (slyly) or Artemis's Big and Tall?
Entreri - (glares at Semdai)
Semdai - You never see a lady's store called 'Bertha's Big Bone Bargain Bin' do ya?
Jarlaxle - You would if Uthegental Del'Armgo ran it.
Dantrag - (snickers)
Entreri - Have you guys ever noticed how awkward people act in elevators? (pause) Everyone faces the front. What I'm gonna do sometime is get in the elevator and face the people. (evil chuckle) I'll act like a psychotic killer.
Drizzt - So, you'll just be yourself.
Entreri - (ignores the comment) I'll get in the elevator of a tall building. Eighteenth floor going down. Press two buttons: eight and seven. Do my act. I get out at the eighth floor and because I know everyone's gonna talk about me, I run down the stairs to the seventh floor. Arrange myself in a menacing position, then when the doors open up I growl in my deep, raspy, evil voice, (deep, raspy, evil, voice) I heard what you said about me.
Semdai - We should do that together!
Drizzt - (trips over the curb and falls on his face)
Semdai - Don't hurt yourself, Drizzt.
Drizzt - I'm fine... just tripped. (sits up and brushes himself off) Hey what's this? (picks up and object from the side of the street)
Entreri - (leans over Drizzt's shoulder) You're too stupid to figure out what it is. (grabs the object from Drizzt) Let me see. (examines the object) I'm not sure what it is. (tosses the object to Jarlaxle) What do you think, Jarlaxle?
Drizzt - (tries to grab the object) Hey! (whines) Give it back! I found it first!
Jarlaxle - (yells) Drizzt in the middle! (throws the object to Entreri)
Drizzt - (whines) Give it back you guys!
Semdai - (picking at her nails) Drizzt, quit whining.
Drizzt - (pouts) You guys are so mean to me. (sits on the curb)
Entreri - Hey Zak, was Drizzt really this bad when he was a kid?
Zak - (heavily) If only you knew. He was born warped I think.
Dantrag - (sarcastically) I wonder whose fault that was.
Zak - Oh yeah, everything gets blamed on the weapon master. The House falls out of Lloth's favor and it's the weapon master's fault.
Berg'inyon - Technically, it was the weapon master's SON'S fault.
Zak - (irritated) I am trying to make a point here if you don't mind.
Berg'inyon - (snobbishly) Well I'm a weapon master too.
Zak - I'm a better weapon master.
Dantrag - You're not even a noble!
Zak - (scoffs and waves his hand) A meaningless title and nothing more.
Dantrag - (pissed off) Why you! (tackles Zak)
(And on the other side of the curb...)
Jarlaxle - (examining the object) I give up. Even with my vast knowledge of other cultures, I can't discover the purpose of this object.
Entreri - (imitates Barbossa) There're a lot of long words there, Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - (testy) I don't know what this stupid thing is. Is that better?
Semdai - Let me see. (takes the item from Jarlaxle)
Nalfein - If anyone knows, it'll be Semdai.
Semdai - (holds back a burst of laughter)
Jarlaxle/Entreri/Nalfein/Dinin - What?!
Semdai - (holding back laughter) You really don't know what this is?
(Lots of head shaking)
Semdai - (whispers in Jarlaxle's ear)
Jarlaxle - (shocked and disturbed) Oh my gods!
Entreri - (wary) What?
Jarlaxle - (whispers in Entreri's ear)
Entreri - (really grossed out) We were touching THAT?! (shudders) That's sick! (wipes his hands frantically on Drizzt's cloak)
Drizzt - (pushes Entreri off) What is it already?!
Entreri/Jarlaxle - (whisper in Drizzt's ears)
Drizzt - (bulging eyes and horrified expression) Oh Meilikki! (runs away frantically waving his hands as if to cleanse them) GROSSNESS!!!
(Pause for effect)
Semdai/Jarlaxle/Entreri - (burst out laughing)
Nalfein/Dinin - ??? [BTW ??? = very confused expression]
Jarlaxle - (rolling on the ground laughing) That was so great!
Entreri - (doubled over laughing) And he fell for it!
Nalfein - What'd you tell him?
Semdai - (sitting on the curb laughing) We told him it was a new kind of vibrator.
Dinin - What is it really?
Semdai - It's just a fancy lighter. (throws it to Dinin) See for yourself.
Dinin - (tries to light the 'lighter' but it shocks him and he ends up dropping it) What the hell? (shakes his hand rapidly in confusion)
Semdai - (laughs) It's a trick lighter. A kid in my health class had one and he was tricking people into lighting it and shocking themselves. (big grin) It was great.
Dinin - (picks up the trick lighter) Coooool. (shocks himself with it) This thing is awesome!
Semdai - I've created a monster.
(Back to the fighters...)
Zak - (pins Dantrag down) Count it!
Berg'inyon - (wrestling referee style) One! Two! Three! Ding-ding-ding!
Zak - I win. (sits on Dantrag's back) you suck, Baenre floozy. (loud and macho-like) I am the mighty Zaknafein! Bow before me weak and pitiful Baenre worms!
Berg'inyon/Dantrag - (give Zak the finger)
Dinin - (comes running over) Zak! You gotta try this thing! (thrusts the trick lighter into Zak's hands) Try to light it!
Zak - Wait a sec! I've seen these things before. (gets an idea) Hold still, Baenre floozy. (uses Dantrag's nose to start the trick lighter)
Dantrag - (screams) Ah! My nose! Stop it!
Zak - (still shocking him) Say it!
Dantrag - (struggles wildly) Never!
Zak - Say it and I'll stop!
Dantrag - (writhing) All right, all right! Zak is the greatest Weapon Master ever to walk Menzoberranzan!
Zak - (lets Dantrag go) Damn right! Semdai - (walks over with Jarlaxle and Nalfein) Whatcha guys doing? We still need to find Kellindil before it's too late.
Zak - What will happen if we don't find him in time?
Semdai - Well rabies is a viral infection of the central nervous system. If left untreated the infected person will experience muscular convulsions, paralysis, and eventually death.
Nalfein - Someone paid attention in health class.
Semdai - (shrugs) First period of the day, not much else to do except talk to my two friends who have that class too.
Entreri - (recovers from laughing exertion and rejoins the others) Shouldn't we get Drizzt and resume our search? (gets an idea) No wait! (eagerly) Can we leave Drizzt behind?
Semdai - Let's go guys. (skips off in the direction Drizzt went)
Jarlaxle - (runs up behind her and scoops her up in his arms)
Dantrag - (yells) Jarlaxle! Remember: She won't get sick if you cover your dick!
Berg'inyon - (scarred for life) Sick bastard! (slaps Dantrag on the back)
Zak - Got any more of those?
Dantrag - (cheerfully) When in heat, package your meat.
Zak/Entreri/Dinin/Nalfein - (laughs)
Semdai - (from Jarlaxle's arms) Hurry up you slow pokes!
(They do so and Dantrag continues to entertain them with stupid condom sayings)
Dantrag - Don't be a loner, cover your boner!
Passing Note: Many thanks to Ryan Enis for allowing me to read the stuff written on his CD case (and for letting me add 'Life's a bitch so fuck it' and 'Bitches in Cream' to it). Thank you Ryan and please don't be mad that I put your condom jokes in here... if you ever read this, which you probably won't... (cough) Yeah. the condom jokes are NOT mine, they belong to Ryan's CD case.
Entreri - (shakes head) You've got some messed up shit in your head, Drow boy.
Semdai - I didn't do it!
(They walk for a few blocks until they find Drizzt hanging upside down in a giant thorn bush)
Semdai - Drizzt, how smart do you have to be to hide in a thorn bush?
Drizzt - That was disgusting! (growls) A vibrator!
Semdai - Drizzt, we were just joking now will you get out of that bush?
Drizzt - I already tried, I'm a little stuck. Wait a minute! YOU WERE JOKING!
Semdai - (skeptically) Yeah, honestly Ranger boy, who would leave a vibrator in the middle of the road?
Entreri - And who would make one in the form of a lighter anyway?
Semdai - I saw one online that was shaped like Hello Kitty.
Berg'inyon - (feeling queasy) Hello Kitty?
Semdai - Yep, a Hello Kitty Vibrator. Fun for all ages! Or so said the advertisement.
Drizzt - Hey! I'm like stuck in a bush here.
Semdai - So is the country at the moment. We're all stuck under the rule of Bush. Sorry to any republicans out there, but I do not approve of Mr. Bush. I mean come on, how are you supposed to feel about a guy who insisted on using his middle initial. (retard imitation) It is I, Georrrge Duhbayuh [W] Bush!
Drizzt - These thorns kind of hurt here!
Semdai - Yes, enough with politics. (yells as loud as she can) Politics can kiss my fat, white ass!
Jarlaxle - Over my dead body! Did I say that out loud?
Semdai - (laughs) Yes, Jarlaxle, you did.
Jarlaxle - (sighs and shakes his head, ignoring the snickering from the others)
Semdai - How shall we get you out of this bush, Drizzt?
Dantrag - We could always just drag him out.
Drizzt - (frantically) No!
Entreri - We could walk away and leave him there till the bush dies. He's a drow after all and has a friggin huge lifespan.
Semdai - True... very true... but that would take a long time, we'll shove that idea to the back burner and come back to it later. Any others?
Zak - We could cut him out.
Semdai - (shakes her head) Nothing to cut him out with.
Zak - (shrugs) Oh well.
Dinin - Burning?
Semdai - Nothing to start a fire with.
Dinin - Damn.
Drizzt - Hey! You and me are supposed to be brothers!
Dinin - Half-brothers!
Drizzt - I spared you life in 'Exile!'
Dinin - So what? I got Drider-ized because of you!
Zak - Knock it off, you too!
Dinin - Why should I listen to you? You're not my father.
Zak - I killed your wuss of a father.
Dinin - So?
Zak - He was such a pansy.
Semdai - I second! Rizzen was a major pansy!
Dinin - Hey, lets narc on Drizzt some more.
Semdai - Did you guys know that a pig's orgasm last for 30 minutes?
(stunned silence)
Drizzt - Where did that come from?
Semdai - A friend of mine got this e-mail with lots of weird facts on it and that was one of them.
Zak - (stunned) Damn... 30 minutes...
Dantrag - I wanna be a pig in my next life.
Semdai - And also did you guys know that some lions mate as much as 50 times in one day?
Entreri - Holy shit!
Dantrag - I'd still wanna be a pig, quality over quantity.
Jarlaxle - I wonder if you could combine the two.
Zak - 50 times a day, 30 minutes each time...
Jarlaxle - Oh the possibilities.
Semdai - Actually you'd only be able to get about 40 in one day.
Dantrag - How do you figure?
Semdai - 50 times 30 and divide it by 60 you be having sex for 25 hours, not including the time it takes to get up to an orgasm.
Jarlaxle - She has a point...
Drizzt - Hey! Why are we talking about this while all my blood is rushing to my head!?
Semdai - (ignores Drizzt) Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Dinin - I wonder who was paid to figure that out.
Drizzt - (pouts) I want out of this bush.
Semdai - (grabs Drizzt's collar and drags him out of the bush)
Drizzt - (screams from being stabbed by many prickly, little thorns)
Semdai - (continues) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Berg'inyon - Perhaps that is a good thing.
(They continue walking)
Semdai - After you chop off its head, a cockroach will live for nine days before it starves to death.
Jarlaxle - (snickers)
Zak - (stunned) 30 minutes...
Semdai - (shakes her head) Males...
(They enter a small park with a big field and a few big, tall trees.)
Semdai - Do you guys see that other there? (points to a figure crawling around the trees)
Entreri - (squints) Wow! My eyesight is so much better now that I'm young again.
Drizzt - When were you old? I'm twice your age.
Entreri - (fwaps Drizzt) You're a drow, you idjit.
[fwap - term used for the action of smacking someone up the backside of the head]
Semdai - Paging ego maniacs Drizzt and Arrrtemis, get your minds back on task.
Entreri - (glares) Don't call me Artemis.
Semdai - (ignores him) Do you guys so that thing over there or not?
Entreri - (testy) Yes I see it.
Semdai - It might be Kellindil, let's go look.
(The jog[Gods, I hate that word] over to the figure, now sprawled under a tree)
Semdai - Whatta ya know, it is Kellindil. (nudges him with her toe) Hey, Kellindil, wake up.
Kellindil - (no response)...
Jarlaxle - I think he's dead.
Berg'inyon - He sure looks dead.
Entreri - I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Drizzt - Uh oh, another dead fest.
Semdai - (kneels next to unmoving Kellindil and touches his shoulder) Kellindil? (shakes him)
Kellindil - (moans softly)
Semdai - (cheerfully) He's not dead!
Entreri - (snaps his fingers and punches the air in front of him) Damn, I wanted him to be dead.
Kellindil - (manages to open one eye and give Entreri the finger)...
Semdai - (rolls Kellindil onto his back) Ok, Kellindil, time for your medicine. (lifts Kellindil's tunic and prepares to stick him with huge needle) Hold him guys.
(Warily, the others hold Kellindil down. It wouldn't have mattered if they hadn't' because by now Kellindil can't move much and is starting to look like Frodo did after he was stabbed by the Morgul Blade, except without the sweating and constant whimpers of pain. Kellindil just has really heavy breathing and green hues. Lovely picture, eh?)
Semdai - (sticks the big needle into Kellindil's belly, then starts singing that one elvish song from the Two Towers when Aragorn is floating in the water and he sees Arwen in his head. Yes I know I'm pathetic but I love the elvish songs in those movies. I even have to lyrics written down and memorized. sighs heavily) Wiwenei na wou natha nani na wienwee nei naringi... [elvish lyrics (written in Japanese pronunciation) so don't try to read them unless you have the Two Towers soundtrack and are listening to track 14. I know, I'm a nerd.]
Kellindil - (whimpers but is somehow calmed by Semdai's awful singing. Or maybe it's just the elvish words?)
Semdai - (continues the singing, how the others could stand it, I don't know) ...badon woi nai bai gwa no tha por winbanthii wi pan... (pause for dramatic effect and break in song) ...woi nai wo na weee... (song ends, hurray)
[Quick Japanese lesson - vowels in Japanese make different sounds than they do here in America. An I makes the long e sound, 'eek minus the k' and E makes and 'eh' sound. O and U sound just like they would if you said the letter out loud. O = Oh and U = Ooo.('in awe' like noise) A makes the sound 'ah']
Kellindil - (falls into deep sleep)...(snore)
Semdai - (retracts the needle and looks around. Sees Kellindil, Zak, and Jarlaxle snoozing, lulled to sleep, and the rest lying dazed with swirly marks over their eyes, knocked out by bad singing.) ??? (looks around confusedly then hangs her head in defeat.) I guess my singing really is awful... Dad was right... (sits in the grass and ponders ideas for chapter 4)
To Be Continued...
AN : (waves fingers in order to restore blood flow) that took a LONG time to write. Writer's Block sucks, swallows, and blows. I hate it! So did everyone like? Next chapter they finally go trick-or-treating so this is your last chance to tell me where you want them to go. Review quick if you want your request in there. I've been asking around my social group at school and got some pretty screwy stuff but I still want your opinions so tell me!
Also there is a big controversy over whether or not I actually have a good voice. My dad and others say I suck at singing (it's so nice to have a father that is open and honest with me about my talents and faults) and many of my friends say my voice is really good and just needs to be trained. (maybe that's why they held me down and put choir on my forecasting sheet for next year?)
Well enough about me. Gotta start writing Chapter 4 and planing Chapter 5 (which will be the last chapter but don't freak out since there is very likely chance for a sequel if enough people request it.) Until next time, feel free to flame.
~ Semdai Bloodquill
Chapter Three Part Two : Pink Floyd, Pregnancy Tests, and Puzzling Problems
(At the doctor's office in the waiting room, Semdai has gone into the back room [after many frustrated cries of, "why can't I own FR?"] to receive her rabies shots. The rest of the troupe occupies the waiting room as they await her return.)
Entreri - (hums Rob Zombie while polishing his dagger)
Drizzt - (approaches the counter and addresses the receptionist) Excuse me ma'am.
Receptionist - (looks up from her paper work) Yes? (bats her eyelashes flirtingly)
Drizzt - (nervously) Do you have a pencil and paper?
Receptionist - (scribbles something on a note-pad then hands it and a pencil to Drizzt while she flashes him a flirting smile) Sure, tall, dark, and handsome. (sexy grin)
Drizzt - (very nervous) Erm... thank you... (hurries back to his seat and sits down)
Zak - (peeks at what the receptionist wrote) Drizzt (slyly) you lady killer.
Drizzt - What?
Zak - She gave you her number. (nudges Drizzt in the ribs) Stud.
Berg'inyon - (has been watching the whole time, shakes his head slowly and returns to his magazine)
Jarlaxle - (sulking in a chair by the window) I miss Semdai.
Entreri - (looks up from polishing) Quit whining, drow, Semdai'll be back before you know it. Then you two can run off together and screw around 'til your heart's content.
Jarlaxle - (sighs dreamily)
Nurse - Mr. Zaknafein Do'Urden!
Zak - (hops up) Yes.
Nurse - Follow me please.
Zak - (does so)
Entreri - (without looking up) Dead Drow Walking!
Zak - (gives Entreri the finger)
Entreri - (still doesn't look up) My house or yours!
Zak - (gets herded into the other back room before he can respond)
Drizzt - (shakes his head slowly and resumes drawing)
Berg'inyon - (rolls his eyes)
(The 'Jurassic Park' tune starts playing)
Jarlaxle - Ooh! I've got a call. (pulls out his cell phone which is the source of the Jurassic Park music)
Berg'inyon - Why would you set your cell phone to play Jurassic Park?
Entreri - Where did you get a cell phone anyway?
Jarlaxle - (answers the phone) Hello?
Semdai - (on the phone) Is that you Jarlaxle?
Jarlaxle - Yeah.
Semdai - I've got news.
Jarlaxle - (excited) You're cured!
Semdai - Actually it's bad news.
Jarlaxle - (crestfallen) What's that?
Semdai - Give the phone to Drizzt.
Jarlaxle - Why?
Semdai - I'm gonna scare the living crap out of him so play along.
Jarlaxle - Drizzt, it's for you. (throws the phone to Drizzt)
Drizzt - (catches the phone and puts it to his ear) Hello?
Semdai - That you Drizzt?
Drizzt - Yeah, Is that you, Semdai?
Semdai - I don't have a lot of time left.
Drizzt - What do you mean?
Semdai - They can't cure me.
Drizzt - (voice rising) What are you saying?
The others - (stare at Drizzt)
Semdai - I borrowed my dad's shotgun.
Drizzt - (frantic) What are you doing with a gun?!
Berg'inyon - (confused) What's going on?
Drizzt - (panicking) I think Semdai's gonna shoot herself!
Entreri - (jumps up, dropping his dagger) What! (grabs the phone from Drizzt) Semdai, don't you dare shoot yourself! You can't leave me stranded in this screwed up place alone!
Drizzt - (grabs the phone back) Give me that! Semdai!
Semdai - I've got the gun to my head now, it's loaded and cocked and everything.
Drizzt - Don't do it!
(Huge gunshot sound from over the phone)
Drizzt - (drops the phone) Holy Meilikki!
Entreri/Berg'inyon/Drizzt/Jarlaxle - (dash for the phone) No Semdai!
(Silence on the other end)
All - Semdai!
Semdai - (laughs her ass off)
Drizzt - (faints)
Berg'inyon - (panting) Lloth have mercy.
Jarlaxle - That was an oxymoron!
Semdai - (mocking) No, Semdai, no. Don't do it, Sem!
Entreri - (leans back) That's an evil girl.
Jarlaxle - (regaining his breath) That was a good one, Precious.
Semdai - (still giggling) Had you going there, didn't I?
Jarlaxle - (to the other guys) She's right proud of herself.
Entreri - (stressed) Of course she is! (slowly) Evil girl...
Jarlaxle - (regains the phone) Hey, Precious, didn't something like this happen in a movie we say?
Semdai - The deleted scenes from The Boondock Saints?
Jarlaxle - Yeah that's the one. Why are you parodying that movie? None of the readers have probably seen it, or even heard of it.
Semdai - I couldn't resist. I love that scene. (pause) Oh crap!
Jarlaxle - What?
Semdai - Looks like I caused a stir with that shot. There's a bunch of people coming out. Well I'll see you guys in a few minutes. Granted I can escape this damn crowd.
Jarlaxle - (smiles) See ya later, Precious. (hangs up)
Meanwhile...
Zak - (strapped to a table) What are you gonna do to me?
Doctor - (holding a needle) You're only getting a shot.
Zak - (frantic) Then why am I strapped to this table!?
Doctor - (simply) We have to make sure you don't run off.
Zak - (gulps)
Doctor - Nurse, please remove the patient's shirt.
Zak - Whoa! (scared) Why are you stripping me!
Doctor - Rabies shots must be injected into the stomach.
Zak - (screams) Mommy!
Nurse - (lifts Zak's shirt away from his stomach) Are you an athlete Mr. Do'Urden?
Zak - (nervous) I used to train fighters for House Do'Urden.
Nurse - (touches Zak's muscular stomach) Do you work out?
Zak - (panicking) Why are you touching me there?
Doctor - Hold still now. (sticks a big, scary needle into Zak's belly)
Zak - (screams) MOMMY!!!
Back in the waiting room...
(Semdai has returned ands is entertaining everyone by performing Pink Floyd's The Wall)
Semdai - (singing) We don't need no education!
Jarlaxle - (bobs his head)
Semdai - We don't need no thought control!
Drizzt - (imitates playing the drums)
Semdai - No dark sarcasm in the classroom!
Entreri - (clutches his ears as he tries to shut the song out)
Semdai - Teachers leave them kids alone!
Berg'inyon - (quirks an eyebrow)
(The back room door opens and Zak stumbles out)
Semdai - (stops singing) Zak!
Zak - (looks up, a crazed expression in his eyes)
The others - (stare at Zak)
Zak - (starts screaming 'Another Brick in the Wall Part 3) I don't need no arms around me!
Semdai - (joins) And I don't need no drugs to calm me!
Zak - I have seen the writing on the wall!
Semdai - Don't think I need anything at all!
Zak - No! Don't think I'll need anything at all!
Semdai/Zak - All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall!
Others - (staring in confusion)
Semdai/Zak - All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall!
Entreri - (holding his head) Make it stop!
Jarlaxle - (confused) Make what stop?
Entreri - Pink Floyd and Rob Zombie are fighting inside my head!
Semdai - (scratches her head) How did that happen?
Entreri - (rolls on the ground) Make them stop!
Semdai - SILENCE!!
(crickets chirping)
Semdai - Better?
Entreri - (slowly) Yeah... a little...
Semdai - Good. Let's go save Kellindil and Dantrag! (runs for the door)
Meanwhile...
Catti-brie - (fiddling with the scrying mirror) Stupid, cheap ACME Scrying Device. (kicks it)
Wulfgar - (eating a Big Mac and throwing fries at Dantrag's head) Let me guess, it broke?
Catti-brie - (angrily) Yes it broke. Now I can't spy on Semdai.
(Pounding on the door)
Catti-brie - (scared) Eek! (dives behind the scrying device)
Wulfgar - (calmly) Lay off the caffeine, Catti.
Bruenor - (answers the door) Calm down girl, it's just Ivan and Pikel.
Pikel - Doodad!
Ivan - (bows) How're ya doin' King Bruenor?
Bruenor - We're trying ta get the elf outta trouble.
Ivan - Drizzt?
Bruenor - Yeah... Some crazy wench has got him stuck with her and we're aiming to get him out.
Ivan - Pikel an' me saw 'em on our way over here.
Catti-brie - (pops up) You did!
Pikel - Yup yup.
Catti-brie - Where?! (grabs Ivan's tunic) Where?!
Ivan - (nervous) They was heading to the doctor's place.
Catti-brie - (gasps) She's going to have Drizzt brain-washed so that he will forget about us and fight on her side!
Ivan - ???
Pikel - Oi?
Wulfgar - (takes aim at Dantrag's nose) Is that so? (throws a fry)
Dantrag - (annoyed about being tied to a chair and having fries thrown at him) Are you having fun or something?
Wulfgar - Yes, actually I am.
Dantrag - (very agitated) Can't you get your kicks somewhere else?
Wulfgar - Where's the fun in that? (throws another fry at Dantrag)
Catti-brie - Wulfgar! Stop playing around, we have work to do.
Semdai - (from the doorway) Oh let him have his fun.
Catti-brie - (gasps) How did YOU get here!?
Semdai - (simply) I teleported of course.
Catti-brie - (points at Semdai) I command you to release Drizzt!
Semdai - (picks at a hangnail) You shouldn't point at people, it's rude.
Catti-brie - Release Drizzt or we will destroy you!
Semdai - (sarcastically) You and what army?
Catti-brie - (looks around and realizes her army is very small) I will rally all the goodly races against you! Then once you are gone, Drizzt will remember his love for me.
Semdai - (exasperated) Don't tell me you're STILL sore because you didn't get Drizzt in Mirror Me Dark.
Catti-brie - You gave him to some drow slut you just created out of thin air instead of remaining true to the original RAS books and acknowledging how Drizzt and I belong together. (hopeless romantic)
Semdai - (technical voice) Drizzt himself admits in Thousand Orcs that he could never give you children, Catti-brie. It was decreed by RAS that you and Drizzt could never have a family together.
Catti-brie - (holds her head) No! It's not true!
Semdai - (shakes her head) You're hopeless. (she and Dantrag vanish)
Wulfgar - Ah nuts, she took my target.
Catti-brie - (falls to her knees) Oh Drizzt... (sadly) is it true? Did RAS really write such a thing about us? Are we really not meant to be?
Bruenor - Are you Ok?
Catti-brie - (leaps up) I must know the truth! (runs out the door)
Bruenor - (sighs) C'mon, we better make sure she doesn't hurt anyone.
Wulfgar - Or herself.
(They follow Catti-brie)
Back to our heroes and heroine...
(Outside the doctor's office)
Semdai - (reappears with Dantrag clinging to her waist)
Dantrag - (hugs Semdai around the middle) Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you- thank-you!
Semdai - (pats Dantrag's head) It's all right now, Dantrag, Catti-brie isn't gonna get you.
Berg'inyon - (hugs Dantrag) Brother! You're back!
Dantrag - (eyes popping as he clings to Semdai) Organs- (strained) exploding-
Berg'inyon - Sorry. (lets go)
Dantrag - (notices something) Semdai are you getting bigger?
Semdai - (confused) What do you mean?
Dantrag - You seem to be putting on some weight.
Entreri - (looks at Jarlaxle suspiciously) Would YOU have anything to do with that, Jarlaxle?
Jarlaxle - (innocently) Why would I make Semdai eat excessively thus causing her to gain weight?
Dantrag - (still holding Semdai's waist) You know that's not what he means.
Drizzt - You and Sem did disappear for a couple pages in chapter one, Jarlaxle.
Semdai - That can't have happened, we used protection.
Jarlaxle - (deep voice) Trojan Man!
Zak - (pats Jarlaxle on the shoulder) Congratulations Jarlaxle, you might be the father of the first half drow ever.
Jarlaxle - (thinks on the idea) Wow... this is heavy...
Berg'inyon - Wait! How do we know that Semdai is pregnant for sure?
Entreri - Hey Dantrag, feel any kicking?
Drizzt - It's too early for that. The only way we can know for sure is a pregnancy test.
Entreri - (sarcastically) Where are we gonna get a pregnancy test? Thanks to Semdai, we're teenagers, you know.
Berg'inyon - He's right, we can't even buy alcohol anymore, how will we get our hands on a pregnancy test?
Semdai - What say we discuss this WHILE we look for Kellindil?
Jarlaxle - Good idea, Precious.
Semdai - (claps her hands together) Alrighty then, as soon as Dantrag lets go of my waist, we can go.
Dantrag - (lets go)
(They start walking down the street)
Semdai - (in the lead) What were we talking about?
Jarlaxle - (beside Semdai) How we can get a pregnancy test.
Semdai - Oh yeah. Sorry guys, sometimes the hamster falls asleep at the wheel.
Berg'inyon - (shakes his head) Weal... [drow for: Fool]
Semdai - (throws a pebble at Berg'inyon) Bastard.
Berg'inyon - (dives behind Entreri) Pebble! Take cover!
Entreri - Hey! Don't use me as a shield!
Semdai - (not paying attention) I've been wondering something.
Drizzt - What's that?
Semdai - Why do we change the name of an animal after we kill it?
Jarlaxle - That's a good question.
Semdai - A deer becomes venison; a cow becomes beef; a pig becomes pork; a horse becomes... a Whopper!
Drizzt - A Whopper?!
Semdai - Why do you think I hate Burger King. They use horses.
Zak - Here's another one: Why are there ten buttons on a blender? (super fast) Stir, mix, whip, chop, grate, grind, blend, fold, liquefy, mutilate, desecrate, amputate, castrate.
Berg'inyon - (startled) Castrate!?
Semdai - Hypothetically, Berg'inyon.
Zak - (confused) The blades just spin in a circle. Why don't they just tell the truth on the buttons? (really fast again) Kinda fast, fast, faster, really fast, whoa don't put your finger in here now! (lol) Those buttons mean nothing and yet we stand there and wonder which is the right one for the job. (sarcastically) Like someone's gonna spit out there milkshake and scream, 'this has obviously been frapped!'
Semdai - (laughing) Ya know what Jarlaxle, if we do have a kid, we're gonna raise it right. No spoiled brats! (turns to the others) Don't you hate seeing kids like that in public? Their parents are all like, (snotty voice) 'I don't believe in hitting my kids.' (normal voice) Well I believe in hitting your kid, step aside!
(laughs)
Nalfein - You know what's not fair.
Drizzt - What's not fair?
Nalfein - Women get to use sex as a weapon. Men can't do that.
The Others - (they ponder this idea)
Nalfein - I mean what are we gonna say (macho voice) That's it no sex for you tonight. (scoffs) She's probably thinking YES! (the others laugh) I love that expression: Sex as a weapon.
Entreri - (pondering) Could it be used as a weapon to rob a bank? (visualizing) You walk in there naked and yell (yells) Every lie down! (the others laugh some more) Don't make me use this! (pauses while more laughter takes place) Just give me the money and nobody gets laid!
(Laughing)
Dinin - Have you ever walked pass a mirror and sucked your stomach in? (pondering) Then you sigh with relief and say, 'Phew. I almost found out I was fat.'
Semdai - I resemble that remark!
Drizzt - Have you guys ever seen one of those shows where people call up and vote on different issues? They always have 18% I Don't Know. (pause) It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they vote I Don't Know? (imitates an example) Honey, I feel very strongly about this, give me the phone, I don't know!
Jarlaxle - Those people probably call up phone sex girls for $4.95 and say, 'I'm not in the mood!' Click!
(They pass a billboard and stop to read it)
Drizzt - (reading the billboard) New Winston! With no additives.
Semdai - (confused) Who's that for? (sarcastically) The health conscious smokers?
Zak - (sarcastically) What's next? (flamboyant) New heroine with zinc!
Semdai - (looks at the next billboard and reads it) Hank's Big and Tall.
Entreri - Well good for him.
Zak - Hope he's not packing.
Semdai - Why are these 'Big and Tall' stores always called some big name? How come it's never Percy's Big and Tall (slyly) or Artemis's Big and Tall?
Entreri - (glares at Semdai)
Semdai - You never see a lady's store called 'Bertha's Big Bone Bargain Bin' do ya?
Jarlaxle - You would if Uthegental Del'Armgo ran it.
Dantrag - (snickers)
Entreri - Have you guys ever noticed how awkward people act in elevators? (pause) Everyone faces the front. What I'm gonna do sometime is get in the elevator and face the people. (evil chuckle) I'll act like a psychotic killer.
Drizzt - So, you'll just be yourself.
Entreri - (ignores the comment) I'll get in the elevator of a tall building. Eighteenth floor going down. Press two buttons: eight and seven. Do my act. I get out at the eighth floor and because I know everyone's gonna talk about me, I run down the stairs to the seventh floor. Arrange myself in a menacing position, then when the doors open up I growl in my deep, raspy, evil voice, (deep, raspy, evil, voice) I heard what you said about me.
Semdai - We should do that together!
Drizzt - (trips over the curb and falls on his face)
Semdai - Don't hurt yourself, Drizzt.
Drizzt - I'm fine... just tripped. (sits up and brushes himself off) Hey what's this? (picks up and object from the side of the street)
Entreri - (leans over Drizzt's shoulder) You're too stupid to figure out what it is. (grabs the object from Drizzt) Let me see. (examines the object) I'm not sure what it is. (tosses the object to Jarlaxle) What do you think, Jarlaxle?
Drizzt - (tries to grab the object) Hey! (whines) Give it back! I found it first!
Jarlaxle - (yells) Drizzt in the middle! (throws the object to Entreri)
Drizzt - (whines) Give it back you guys!
Semdai - (picking at her nails) Drizzt, quit whining.
Drizzt - (pouts) You guys are so mean to me. (sits on the curb)
Entreri - Hey Zak, was Drizzt really this bad when he was a kid?
Zak - (heavily) If only you knew. He was born warped I think.
Dantrag - (sarcastically) I wonder whose fault that was.
Zak - Oh yeah, everything gets blamed on the weapon master. The House falls out of Lloth's favor and it's the weapon master's fault.
Berg'inyon - Technically, it was the weapon master's SON'S fault.
Zak - (irritated) I am trying to make a point here if you don't mind.
Berg'inyon - (snobbishly) Well I'm a weapon master too.
Zak - I'm a better weapon master.
Dantrag - You're not even a noble!
Zak - (scoffs and waves his hand) A meaningless title and nothing more.
Dantrag - (pissed off) Why you! (tackles Zak)
(And on the other side of the curb...)
Jarlaxle - (examining the object) I give up. Even with my vast knowledge of other cultures, I can't discover the purpose of this object.
Entreri - (imitates Barbossa) There're a lot of long words there, Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - (testy) I don't know what this stupid thing is. Is that better?
Semdai - Let me see. (takes the item from Jarlaxle)
Nalfein - If anyone knows, it'll be Semdai.
Semdai - (holds back a burst of laughter)
Jarlaxle/Entreri/Nalfein/Dinin - What?!
Semdai - (holding back laughter) You really don't know what this is?
(Lots of head shaking)
Semdai - (whispers in Jarlaxle's ear)
Jarlaxle - (shocked and disturbed) Oh my gods!
Entreri - (wary) What?
Jarlaxle - (whispers in Entreri's ear)
Entreri - (really grossed out) We were touching THAT?! (shudders) That's sick! (wipes his hands frantically on Drizzt's cloak)
Drizzt - (pushes Entreri off) What is it already?!
Entreri/Jarlaxle - (whisper in Drizzt's ears)
Drizzt - (bulging eyes and horrified expression) Oh Meilikki! (runs away frantically waving his hands as if to cleanse them) GROSSNESS!!!
(Pause for effect)
Semdai/Jarlaxle/Entreri - (burst out laughing)
Nalfein/Dinin - ??? [BTW ??? = very confused expression]
Jarlaxle - (rolling on the ground laughing) That was so great!
Entreri - (doubled over laughing) And he fell for it!
Nalfein - What'd you tell him?
Semdai - (sitting on the curb laughing) We told him it was a new kind of vibrator.
Dinin - What is it really?
Semdai - It's just a fancy lighter. (throws it to Dinin) See for yourself.
Dinin - (tries to light the 'lighter' but it shocks him and he ends up dropping it) What the hell? (shakes his hand rapidly in confusion)
Semdai - (laughs) It's a trick lighter. A kid in my health class had one and he was tricking people into lighting it and shocking themselves. (big grin) It was great.
Dinin - (picks up the trick lighter) Coooool. (shocks himself with it) This thing is awesome!
Semdai - I've created a monster.
(Back to the fighters...)
Zak - (pins Dantrag down) Count it!
Berg'inyon - (wrestling referee style) One! Two! Three! Ding-ding-ding!
Zak - I win. (sits on Dantrag's back) you suck, Baenre floozy. (loud and macho-like) I am the mighty Zaknafein! Bow before me weak and pitiful Baenre worms!
Berg'inyon/Dantrag - (give Zak the finger)
Dinin - (comes running over) Zak! You gotta try this thing! (thrusts the trick lighter into Zak's hands) Try to light it!
Zak - Wait a sec! I've seen these things before. (gets an idea) Hold still, Baenre floozy. (uses Dantrag's nose to start the trick lighter)
Dantrag - (screams) Ah! My nose! Stop it!
Zak - (still shocking him) Say it!
Dantrag - (struggles wildly) Never!
Zak - Say it and I'll stop!
Dantrag - (writhing) All right, all right! Zak is the greatest Weapon Master ever to walk Menzoberranzan!
Zak - (lets Dantrag go) Damn right! Semdai - (walks over with Jarlaxle and Nalfein) Whatcha guys doing? We still need to find Kellindil before it's too late.
Zak - What will happen if we don't find him in time?
Semdai - Well rabies is a viral infection of the central nervous system. If left untreated the infected person will experience muscular convulsions, paralysis, and eventually death.
Nalfein - Someone paid attention in health class.
Semdai - (shrugs) First period of the day, not much else to do except talk to my two friends who have that class too.
Entreri - (recovers from laughing exertion and rejoins the others) Shouldn't we get Drizzt and resume our search? (gets an idea) No wait! (eagerly) Can we leave Drizzt behind?
Semdai - Let's go guys. (skips off in the direction Drizzt went)
Jarlaxle - (runs up behind her and scoops her up in his arms)
Dantrag - (yells) Jarlaxle! Remember: She won't get sick if you cover your dick!
Berg'inyon - (scarred for life) Sick bastard! (slaps Dantrag on the back)
Zak - Got any more of those?
Dantrag - (cheerfully) When in heat, package your meat.
Zak/Entreri/Dinin/Nalfein - (laughs)
Semdai - (from Jarlaxle's arms) Hurry up you slow pokes!
(They do so and Dantrag continues to entertain them with stupid condom sayings)
Dantrag - Don't be a loner, cover your boner!
Passing Note: Many thanks to Ryan Enis for allowing me to read the stuff written on his CD case (and for letting me add 'Life's a bitch so fuck it' and 'Bitches in Cream' to it). Thank you Ryan and please don't be mad that I put your condom jokes in here... if you ever read this, which you probably won't... (cough) Yeah. the condom jokes are NOT mine, they belong to Ryan's CD case.
Entreri - (shakes head) You've got some messed up shit in your head, Drow boy.
Semdai - I didn't do it!
(They walk for a few blocks until they find Drizzt hanging upside down in a giant thorn bush)
Semdai - Drizzt, how smart do you have to be to hide in a thorn bush?
Drizzt - That was disgusting! (growls) A vibrator!
Semdai - Drizzt, we were just joking now will you get out of that bush?
Drizzt - I already tried, I'm a little stuck. Wait a minute! YOU WERE JOKING!
Semdai - (skeptically) Yeah, honestly Ranger boy, who would leave a vibrator in the middle of the road?
Entreri - And who would make one in the form of a lighter anyway?
Semdai - I saw one online that was shaped like Hello Kitty.
Berg'inyon - (feeling queasy) Hello Kitty?
Semdai - Yep, a Hello Kitty Vibrator. Fun for all ages! Or so said the advertisement.
Drizzt - Hey! I'm like stuck in a bush here.
Semdai - So is the country at the moment. We're all stuck under the rule of Bush. Sorry to any republicans out there, but I do not approve of Mr. Bush. I mean come on, how are you supposed to feel about a guy who insisted on using his middle initial. (retard imitation) It is I, Georrrge Duhbayuh [W] Bush!
Drizzt - These thorns kind of hurt here!
Semdai - Yes, enough with politics. (yells as loud as she can) Politics can kiss my fat, white ass!
Jarlaxle - Over my dead body! Did I say that out loud?
Semdai - (laughs) Yes, Jarlaxle, you did.
Jarlaxle - (sighs and shakes his head, ignoring the snickering from the others)
Semdai - How shall we get you out of this bush, Drizzt?
Dantrag - We could always just drag him out.
Drizzt - (frantically) No!
Entreri - We could walk away and leave him there till the bush dies. He's a drow after all and has a friggin huge lifespan.
Semdai - True... very true... but that would take a long time, we'll shove that idea to the back burner and come back to it later. Any others?
Zak - We could cut him out.
Semdai - (shakes her head) Nothing to cut him out with.
Zak - (shrugs) Oh well.
Dinin - Burning?
Semdai - Nothing to start a fire with.
Dinin - Damn.
Drizzt - Hey! You and me are supposed to be brothers!
Dinin - Half-brothers!
Drizzt - I spared you life in 'Exile!'
Dinin - So what? I got Drider-ized because of you!
Zak - Knock it off, you too!
Dinin - Why should I listen to you? You're not my father.
Zak - I killed your wuss of a father.
Dinin - So?
Zak - He was such a pansy.
Semdai - I second! Rizzen was a major pansy!
Dinin - Hey, lets narc on Drizzt some more.
Semdai - Did you guys know that a pig's orgasm last for 30 minutes?
(stunned silence)
Drizzt - Where did that come from?
Semdai - A friend of mine got this e-mail with lots of weird facts on it and that was one of them.
Zak - (stunned) Damn... 30 minutes...
Dantrag - I wanna be a pig in my next life.
Semdai - And also did you guys know that some lions mate as much as 50 times in one day?
Entreri - Holy shit!
Dantrag - I'd still wanna be a pig, quality over quantity.
Jarlaxle - I wonder if you could combine the two.
Zak - 50 times a day, 30 minutes each time...
Jarlaxle - Oh the possibilities.
Semdai - Actually you'd only be able to get about 40 in one day.
Dantrag - How do you figure?
Semdai - 50 times 30 and divide it by 60 you be having sex for 25 hours, not including the time it takes to get up to an orgasm.
Jarlaxle - She has a point...
Drizzt - Hey! Why are we talking about this while all my blood is rushing to my head!?
Semdai - (ignores Drizzt) Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Dinin - I wonder who was paid to figure that out.
Drizzt - (pouts) I want out of this bush.
Semdai - (grabs Drizzt's collar and drags him out of the bush)
Drizzt - (screams from being stabbed by many prickly, little thorns)
Semdai - (continues) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Berg'inyon - Perhaps that is a good thing.
(They continue walking)
Semdai - After you chop off its head, a cockroach will live for nine days before it starves to death.
Jarlaxle - (snickers)
Zak - (stunned) 30 minutes...
Semdai - (shakes her head) Males...
(They enter a small park with a big field and a few big, tall trees.)
Semdai - Do you guys see that other there? (points to a figure crawling around the trees)
Entreri - (squints) Wow! My eyesight is so much better now that I'm young again.
Drizzt - When were you old? I'm twice your age.
Entreri - (fwaps Drizzt) You're a drow, you idjit.
[fwap - term used for the action of smacking someone up the backside of the head]
Semdai - Paging ego maniacs Drizzt and Arrrtemis, get your minds back on task.
Entreri - (glares) Don't call me Artemis.
Semdai - (ignores him) Do you guys so that thing over there or not?
Entreri - (testy) Yes I see it.
Semdai - It might be Kellindil, let's go look.
(The jog[Gods, I hate that word] over to the figure, now sprawled under a tree)
Semdai - Whatta ya know, it is Kellindil. (nudges him with her toe) Hey, Kellindil, wake up.
Kellindil - (no response)...
Jarlaxle - I think he's dead.
Berg'inyon - He sure looks dead.
Entreri - I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Drizzt - Uh oh, another dead fest.
Semdai - (kneels next to unmoving Kellindil and touches his shoulder) Kellindil? (shakes him)
Kellindil - (moans softly)
Semdai - (cheerfully) He's not dead!
Entreri - (snaps his fingers and punches the air in front of him) Damn, I wanted him to be dead.
Kellindil - (manages to open one eye and give Entreri the finger)...
Semdai - (rolls Kellindil onto his back) Ok, Kellindil, time for your medicine. (lifts Kellindil's tunic and prepares to stick him with huge needle) Hold him guys.
(Warily, the others hold Kellindil down. It wouldn't have mattered if they hadn't' because by now Kellindil can't move much and is starting to look like Frodo did after he was stabbed by the Morgul Blade, except without the sweating and constant whimpers of pain. Kellindil just has really heavy breathing and green hues. Lovely picture, eh?)
Semdai - (sticks the big needle into Kellindil's belly, then starts singing that one elvish song from the Two Towers when Aragorn is floating in the water and he sees Arwen in his head. Yes I know I'm pathetic but I love the elvish songs in those movies. I even have to lyrics written down and memorized. sighs heavily) Wiwenei na wou natha nani na wienwee nei naringi... [elvish lyrics (written in Japanese pronunciation) so don't try to read them unless you have the Two Towers soundtrack and are listening to track 14. I know, I'm a nerd.]
Kellindil - (whimpers but is somehow calmed by Semdai's awful singing. Or maybe it's just the elvish words?)
Semdai - (continues the singing, how the others could stand it, I don't know) ...badon woi nai bai gwa no tha por winbanthii wi pan... (pause for dramatic effect and break in song) ...woi nai wo na weee... (song ends, hurray)
[Quick Japanese lesson - vowels in Japanese make different sounds than they do here in America. An I makes the long e sound, 'eek minus the k' and E makes and 'eh' sound. O and U sound just like they would if you said the letter out loud. O = Oh and U = Ooo.('in awe' like noise) A makes the sound 'ah']
Kellindil - (falls into deep sleep)...(snore)
Semdai - (retracts the needle and looks around. Sees Kellindil, Zak, and Jarlaxle snoozing, lulled to sleep, and the rest lying dazed with swirly marks over their eyes, knocked out by bad singing.) ??? (looks around confusedly then hangs her head in defeat.) I guess my singing really is awful... Dad was right... (sits in the grass and ponders ideas for chapter 4)
To Be Continued...
AN : (waves fingers in order to restore blood flow) that took a LONG time to write. Writer's Block sucks, swallows, and blows. I hate it! So did everyone like? Next chapter they finally go trick-or-treating so this is your last chance to tell me where you want them to go. Review quick if you want your request in there. I've been asking around my social group at school and got some pretty screwy stuff but I still want your opinions so tell me!
Also there is a big controversy over whether or not I actually have a good voice. My dad and others say I suck at singing (it's so nice to have a father that is open and honest with me about my talents and faults) and many of my friends say my voice is really good and just needs to be trained. (maybe that's why they held me down and put choir on my forecasting sheet for next year?)
Well enough about me. Gotta start writing Chapter 4 and planing Chapter 5 (which will be the last chapter but don't freak out since there is very likely chance for a sequel if enough people request it.) Until next time, feel free to flame.
~ Semdai Bloodquill