Oh I have been a bad bad bad person making my poor readers wait so long for the final chapter. But please believe me when I say it's not entirely my fault, I was grounded because of a bad grade in english. You'd think I'd be steller at english. Maybe I'll write a mini-halloweenie about being grounded.
I've noticed that when I'm writing, I tend to forget that Kellindil is there. I'm not sure why.
A reviewer also asked me why I hate Catti-brie, to which I started to wonder that myself. I don't have a legitimate reason for hating Catti-brie but she really irritates the (crude word) out of me. Why won't she just come out and confess that she wants to (crude word) Drizzt! WHY!
For those wondering why (crude word) is in here, two of my buddies got in trouble for swearing in Ancient Civ so they starting saying 'Crude word' instead of curse words.
Chapter Five - Curses, Crunch Bars, and Cow Tipping
(Our troup of brave heroes, decked out in their costumes, walks aimlessly down a street at night. Other trick or treaters are out as well, but they are mostly little kids with their parents. They stop in front of a building made up stalagmites and stalactiteshanging from the sky no less.)
Semdai (as Grim Reaper) - Look! Up in the sky! (points)
Drizzt (as Aragorn) - It's a bird!
Zak (as Lucian) - It's a dragon!
Dantrag (as Viktor) - (flatly) It's a floating stalactite castle.
Semdai - (disappointed) Well you're not very dramatic.
Jarlaxle - I swear this house looks familiar.
Entreri - This is House Baenre, Jarlaxle.
Jarlaxle - Oh yes, now I remember.
Semdai - Let's go in and see if Matron Yvonnel has a Cursed Crunch Bar... that's a long phrase.
Jarlaxle - Let's summerize it!
Semdai - Yes, we'll call it CCB!
Entreri - (blandly) Sounds like a street drug name.
Semdai - (dramatically) It'll be coded. C-C-B!
Kellindil(as Legolas) - Shall we get this over with already, we only have until dawn you know.
Semdai - (coughs) Yes, you're right. Onward!
(They all run and leap over House Baenre's web fence. Everyone except Drizzt makes it over. He hangs from the top of the fence by his foot.)
Drizzt - Please help me.
(The others line up in front of the fence.)
Dantrag - I don't suppose we could just leave him here, can we.
Drizzt - (frantic) Don't leave me!
Entreri - (picks up a rock) Hold still Ranger boy, I'm gonna knock you loose! (throws the rock at Drizzt. Rocks hits him in the face.)
Drizzt - Ow!
Dantrag - (picks up a stick) You're doing it all wrong. (whacks Drizzt with stick) You gotta do it like this. (Drizzt remains stuck to the fence)
Drizzt - What do I look like? A pinyata?
Dantrag - (ominously) It's no use. (leans on the stick) the only way down now, is to cut off your own foot with a pocket knife.
Entreri - (reaches into pocket) Hey Drizzt, you're in luck. I have a pocket knife on my person. (pulls out a very dull swiss army knife)
Berg'inyon - That pitious blade could barely cut paper.
Entreri - (evilly) I know. All the more entertaining for us while he has to cut his foot off with it.
(Evil grins.)
Drizzt - I don't wanna cut off my own foot!
Semdai - (walks to the base of the fence and chants in dark voice) Az Naz Gimbatuul.
Drizzt - (falls from fence)
Semdai - (scratches head in amazement) Wow. It worked. I thought Drizzt was gonna blow up for sure.
Drizzt - HEY!
Semdai - Well, anywhose, what are we waiting for? (runs toward House Beanre)
Jarlaxle - We're going to need a plan to get past the house's defenses.
Semdai - Have no fear, I have a plan.
Berg'inyon - Don't be afraid...be very afraid.
(The troupe takes up spy positions behind mounds, all start singing the Mission Impossible theme music as they dart and roll randomly behind piles of dirt)
Jarlaxle - (dramatically) Up ahead are the minotaur guards.
Semdai - (calculating) We'll need a distraction. (looks at Drizzt)
Drizzt - (fearfully) Why are you looking at me like that?
Semdai - (throws Drizzt out in front of the Minotaurs)
Minotaur #1 - (grunts and points at Drizzt)
Minotaur #2 - (roars retardedly)
Drizzt - (screams and runs away)
Minotaur #1 - (stupidly) D'ya think we should go after him?
Minotaur #2 - (roars retardedly and runs after Drizzt)
Minotaur #1 - (follows)
Semdai - Now, while they're distracted. (rushes past Minotaurs)
Dantrag - (suave, sexy James Bond voice) Next will be the laser room. We can't get by until the lasers are triggered by some disturbance.
Drizzt - (stumbles in out of breath)
Semdai - (looks at Drizzt, grins, and resumes MI theme music)
Drizzt - Not again... (is thrown into the sensory lasers and zapped mercilessly while everyone sneaks by)
Kellindil - (dragging badly singed Drizzt behind him)
Berg'inyon - Lastly is the High Preistesses' Bathing Chamber.
Entreri - Now how are we going to get through that?
Dantrag - Once all those naked females see us they'll be furious.
Semdai - But what about that saying that the only reason drow wear clothes at all is to hide weapons and traps?
Berg'inyon - Only in Elaine Cunningham's books.
Semdai - Then I guess there's only one option left to us. (throws Drizzt into the heart of the bathing priestesses) Quick! While Drizzt distracts them. (they run by while Drizzt is attacked by angry female drow)
Berg'inyon - (triumphantly) Haha! We made it!
Drizzt - (comes limping after them) Why me... (collapses)
Semdai - (runs to Drizzt's side) Oh my poor, little, dark elfie paladin! (gently cuddles Drizzt in her arms) Did the nasty icky priestesses hurt you?
Entreri - (disgusted) Oh please.
Drizzt - (whines) Meilikki, what did I do to deserve this?
Semdai - My little Drizzit isn't mad at me, is he?
Drizzt - My name is not 'Drizzit.'
Semdai - But it sounds so cute. (hugs him around the waist)
Drizzt - (squirms in pain)
Semdai - Oh no! Is my Drizzit hurt? Take off your shirt and let me see!
Dinin - (sarcastically) Semdai, you are the queen of subtility.
Drizzt - What!
Zak - Go on, son, it's high time you finally lost your virginity.
Drizzt - How can you side with this?
Nalfein - Wait one Lloth-forsaken second! You're ninety and you're STILL a virgin?
Entreri - (lights a pipe and puffs on it) Is that so hard to believe?
Nalfein - (exasperated) I cannot believe I'm related to you.
Dinin - Ran away from his graduation ceremony, this one did.
Nalfein - You have got to be kidding me.
Zak - Nope. We kid you not.
Nalfein - That's just sad. Semdai, shag him here and now.
Jarlaxle - What!
Entreri - (puffs his pipe again) Don't worry Jarlaxle, there's plenty of Semdai to go around. Think of this as free porn.
Jarlaxle - Good point.
Drizzt - Don't I get any say in this!
Semdai - (has already unbuttoned Drizzt's shirt and is carressing his chest) Oooo! Drizzt has a sexy tummy. (tickles him playfully)
Drizzt - Whoa!
Semdai - (sexily) No wonder Catti-brie was so desperate to shag you.
Dantrag - (pulls out a deck of cards) Anybody up for a game of Bullshit?
Berg'inyon - I'll play.
Dinin - Me too.
Nalfein - Why not?
Jarlaxle - (pulls out his own pipe) Hey Entreri, got anymore mulch?
Entreri - (tosses him a bag of Longbottom Leaf) Swiped it from Regis myself.
Jarlaxle - Nice.
Drizzt - Hey! Guys! Don't abandon me! Zak!
Zak - You're on you're own kiddo. (pulls out a porn magazine and makes himself comfortable)
Drizzt - Kellindil! If anyone will ever stand up for me, it's you!
Kellindil - Sorry Drizzt. (shrinks into a dark corner) but there's no way I could save you from Semdai's ravenous appetite.
Semdai - (now has Drizzt's pants undone) C'mon Drizzt. It's not nice to keep a lady waiting.
Meanwhile... (in the office of Peoticus)
Catti-brie - (barges in as Poeticus is sharpening a sword while sitting back at his desk) Are you the one!
Poeticus - What one? (stops sharpening and picks up the polish)
Catti-brie - The one with information on Semdai Bloodquill!
Poeticus - (thinks for a minute) What's it worth to you?
Catti-bie - I need to know how to destroy Semdai!
Poeticus - Why? She's a nice person. Crazy, but still nice.
Catti-brie - How can you say that?
Poeticus - (scrutinizes Catti-brie with his eyes) You know... you remind me of the babe.
Catti-brie - What babe?
Poeticus - The babe with the power.
Catti-brie - What power?
Poeticus - The power of voodoo.
Catti-brie - Who do?
Poeticus - You do.
Catti-brie - Do what?
Poeticus - Remind me of the babe.
Catti-brie - (very confused) What?
Poeticus - (laughs) Nothing. Just a joke Semdai and I used to do.
Wulfgar - (barges in panting) Wait up Catti. You run too fast.
Bruenor - (trudges in) Dwarven reserves...failing...
Poeticus - Whoa! King Bruenor Battlehammer! In my study!
Bruenor - ?
Wulfgar - ?
Catti-bire - ?
Regis - (entering) Did I miss something?
Poeticus - (runs up to Bruenor and eagerly shakes his hand) I'm so honored to meet you!
Bruenor - ?
Poeticus - You have no idea how much I idolize you, my king!
Bruenor - What are you about, boy?
Catti-brie - Hey! I was the center of attention! (grabs Poeticus) I must know how to defeat Semdai! Tell me! Tell me!
Poeticus - (casually) Just dangle a Jarlaxle-plushy in front of her nose and she'll be immobilized.
Catti-brie - (drops Poeticus and runs out laughing in triumph)
Wulfgar - (grabs Bruenor and jogs after her) Wait for us!
Regis - (shrugs and follows)
Poeticus - (grins widely and starts dancing happily in circles) I met Bruenor Battlehammer! I met Bruenor Battlehammer!
Meanwhile... (back with our... um... heroes.)
Semdai - (smoothing her hair) Wasn't that fun?
Drizzt - (stares at her) Fun? (he pulls his cloak around himself)
Zak - (looks up from his magazine) You seemed to be enjoying it.
Entreri - (snickers) You lost your virginity to Semdai.
Dantrag - (still playing Bullshit with Berg'inyon and the elder Do'Urden brothers) Two aces.
Nalfein - Bullshit, Dantrag!
Dantrag - How did you know?
Nalfein - (flashes his hand) I have all four of them!
Dantrag - Bane of my existance, you Do'Urdens. (picks up the pile)
Dinin - (puts down the last of his cards) Three twos.
Berg'inyon - Bullshit.
Dinin - (turns the cards over) Read 'em and weap.
Berg'inyon - Oh well. Dinin wins.
Entreri - (puts his pipe away) Can we go now?
Semdai - (slips her sweatshirt back on) Yeah, let's go! CHARGE! (rushes down the hall and runs right into Gromph and Old Matron Baenre)
Jarlaxle - Well look at that.
Semdai - What hit me? (sees Gromph) Oooo! Grouchy old Archmage with the yellow eyes! (squishes him) I want the pretty yellow eyesies!
Old Baenre - (being sat on by Semdai) I command you to get off of me!
Semdai - (notices) Oooo! Wrinkly old Yvonnie! (pokes her in the forehead)
Old Baenre - (angrily) In the name of Lloth, remove yourself from my back!
Semdai - (giggles and pokes her again) Only if you give me a Cursed Crunch Bar.
Old Baenre - (growling) I'll curse you! Insolent Iblith! (attempts to throw Semdai off of her)
Gromph - (tries to sneak away)
Semdai - Wait Gromphie! Don't leave yet!
Gromph - (scrambles frantically)
Semdai - Plushie Touch! (she grabs his legs and her touch turns him into a plushie)
Zak - (scratches his head) Huh. Look at that.
Dantrag - (in wonder) She turned the Archmage into a plushie.
Dinin - Whoa...
Nalfein - Spooky...
Semdai - (to Old Baenre) And the same thing will happen to you, Old Baenre! Unless you give me a Cursed Crunch Bar. (hugs Gromph-plushie) I'll turn you into a plushie just like your grouchy, Archmage son!
Old Baenre - (indignantly) I don't know what you're talking about. There are no Cursed Crunch Bars in my possession.
Semdai - Well then you won't mind if I root through your pockets to make sure. (starts turning out Old Baenre's pockets)
Old Baenre - (enraged) How dare you!
Semdai - (pulls out bag of heroin) Well, would ya look at that. The great Matron Baenre is a heroin junkie.
Jarlaxle - That's interesting.
Dantrag/Berg'inyon - (their jaws hit the floor)
Drizzt - (slowly) Oh my goddess.
Semdai - Hey! That's an Anime!
Zak - I think I saw that one. The one with the geeky college student in love with a beautiful goddess named Belldandy?
Semdai - (secretly pockets the heroin) Yeah that's the one!
Zak - Yep, I saw it.
Old Baenre - (outraged at being ignored) I shall punish you all for this insolence!
Semdai - Oh put a sock in it. (pulls a CCB out of Baenre's pocket) Well lookie here! A CCB!
Kellindil - Semdai, that could very well be a normal Crunch Bar.
Semdai - No, look on the back. (shows it to him)
Kellindil - (reads it out loud) ACME CCB?
Semdai - Gentlemen, our work here is done. (snaps her fingers and they all teleport back to the street)
Dinin - (snickering) I can't believe the great Matron Baenre is a heroin addict! (burst out laughing)
Dantrag/Berg'inyon - (glare fiercly at Dinin)
Drizzt - (oblivious) Hey what's that? (points across the street at a huge, decadent-looking cathedral)
Semdai - (looks) OO! I know that place! That's the Sanctuary of the Clans!
Nalfein - The what?
Semdai - Don't you guys ever play LOK(Legacy of Kain)?
Zak - I have. (grins) It's fun. You can burn people.
Semdai - Thank you Zak. The Sanctuary is where Kain and his five 'sons' hold all their important meetings and stuff. Let's go! (starts toward it)
Zak - Hold up! (grabs the hood of Semdai's sweater to stop her) You really want to go charging into a vampire stronghold?
Kellindil - (scared) Vampire!
Drizzt - (puts his arm around Kellindil) Don't worry Kell, there is safety in numbers.
Dantrag - (groans) Pansy.
Semdai - (whines) But Kain and Raziel are my heros. (slips out of sweatshirt)
Kellindil - (screams in terror)
Jarlaxle - (blushes) Um. Semdai.
Semdai - ? (looks at herself and remembers that she only wears a black bra under her sweatshirt) Oh. That. (blushes bright red) Zak, can I have that back now?
Zak - (hands her the sweatshirt sheepishly)
Semdai - (takes off toward the Sanctuary while putting shirt back on) Hehehe!
Entreri - Here we go again. (the others follow her in)