Disclaimer: Monkeys are funny
Chapter 9 We're going to party like it's 199... Hey is that Tuna?
Usagi Tsukino was a happy woman. Well she wasn't quite a woman yet. Happy as a kid in a candy store teenager would be more like it. Kid on a sugar high kind of thing. Her boyfriend and herShe and her boyfriend were going out on a romantic type date. Now this wasn't their first date by a long shot. It was their 4.2353 date. (The decimal is the rounded up percentage of their 3rd, 5th, and 6th dates that were rudely interrupted by some enemy attack or some other circumstance.)
Now if she could just figure out something to wear.
Of course since Luna was conveniently at the party and the rest of the girls were doing other things she was left up to her own fashion advice. Sadly as is the case with all girls getting ready for an important date.
She had absolutely nothing to wear.
In this sort of situation she would usually turn to Luna or better yet Minako for advice. Luna was probably wasted right now and chatting up Artemis and Minako was at her home doing something or another. So it was up to her to come up with something.
What stepped out of her bedroom was Usagi in a white mini dress. She had a wide loose belt which hung off her left hip at an angle. She had loose hoop bracelets on and red nail polish on fake press on nails. Her hair was not in it's its traditional twin meatball and trailer style. Instead it was tied with a single scrunchie at the back of her head and allowed to run loose behind her. She had some light eyeshadow on, light pink lipstick, some blush, and glitter. The glitter was on her cheeks and running through her hair. The glitter was for effect of course. In the right kind of environment it would sparkle and twinkle catching the eye of anything male with a heartbeat. That was the idea of course. Tonight was going to be a magical evening damn it even if she had to transform into Sailor Moon to do it.
As she passed the bathroom she noticed Chibi Usa putting something in her hair. She decided to do a little investigation. Putting on her best sneaking face she crept up, surprisingly quiet and agile for one who is usually so clumsy, and was about to startle the little spore when something caught her eye. Chibi Usa's roots were showing. So she did take after her mother after all! That annoying pink hair was just some form of preteen rebellion or something.
She crept out of the room without Chibi Usa even noticing. Of course the fact that Usa had earplugs in her ears to prevent the dye from getting in them helped Usagi's move silently check greatly.
Usagi had left her house with plenty of time to make her date. For obvious reasons she needed quite a bit of extra time for things such as monster attacks, youma attacks, and klutz attacks. She had long since admitted (at least to herself) that she was not the most coordinated person in the world and as such would require 'touch up' time from any spill she could take. Also that little bit of extra time would allow her to dust any low level monsters that might show up and still allow her time to get to her date. Of course the only thing that could ruin her date was if a youma or something else decided to show up in the middle of it. It had happened too many times for her to count which was the reason she was praying that nothing happened tonight.
She was supposed to meet him in Hasigawa Tomiya park at 8 pm sharp. It was only 7 right now so she had over an hour to get there and it was only fifteen minutes away. She was walking slowly and carefully so as to make sure she didn't trip. Surprisingly it only took her 20 minutes to make the trek and she only stumbled once.
It was a beautiful night out. The sun had yet to set fully but already there were a couple of stars peaking peeking through the vale of the twilight. The wind was mild and gently ruffled her hair as she walked flinging her long locks gently behind her and to the left. Her shoes made a soft 'tak tak' sound as they hit the cement sidewalk. Somewhere in the park a bird twittered it's last as it set up roost for the night and some guy cried out as his energy was drained away.
All in all it was a perfect night for a date.
As she rounded the corner she saw that Mamorou had already taken a seat on a bench that faced the park. Apparently he'd gotten here even earlier than her she and was content to just wait for her to show up. Well if that was the way he wanted it then she'd show him. She put a mischievous smile and slipped into Usagi the ninja mode. If Ranma, Makoto, the old one, and Setsuna could quietly sneak up on somebody she could do it too, right?.
Akane sneezed as somebody took her line.
She hunched over and took up a standard sneaking stance. Her arms were bent at 90 degrees and kept close to her body. Her wrists were kept limp so her fingers pointed down towards the ground. She carefully raised herself to her tiptoes and carefully crept towards the unsuspecting Mamorou. Of course she didn't have any of the above mentioned martial artists training in how to conceal her aura (not that Mamorou could detect it anyway) nor did she have any kind of grace of movement that the others had. That combined with the fact that she was a major klutz all conspired against her in her quest to surprise her boyfriend.
Mamorou had been waiting in the park for Usagi. He decided that he should get to the park at least an hour before their date just in case Usagi was miracle of miracles early for once. The night was fairly nice so he didn't mind the wait. Sighing he turned his mind to other pursuits like that cute brunette with the huge rack walking down the path with the huge rack. Just because he already had a girlfriend didn't mean that he couldn't at least look. Of course he couldn't do it when Usagi was around as she threw a hissy fit when he showed even the slightest interest in anything female that wasn't her. Honestly he was a guy he was supposed to look. Touching was optional and generally discouraged as a rule.
As the brunette passed out of sight behind a copse of trees his mind turned towards another brunette that he knew. Well, blond now. Just thinking of Makoto really got his juices going. She was taller than most girls her age and better filled out too. This wasn't to say Usagi wasn't coming along but she still looked like a little kid trying to be a grownup. He loved Usagi he really did but the comments of pedophile and cradle robber were starting to get to him. If he didn't already know that everything was going to turn out fine in the future just him, Usagi, Chibi Usa and their modest sized castle with white picket fence he'd dump her and go out with somebody his own age. Love could only take you so far when the authorities were watching you to make sure you didn't stat rape her.
Getting off that train of thought he let his mind wander again into one of his favorite pastimes, putting Usagi together with her friendsfriends' parts. He would close his eyes and visualize Usagi as she was now and then sub in her friends various different assets. He even tried to do this once with his computer and pictures but the result just weren't the same.
He closed his eyes and brought up Usagi as she was now. She stood there looking at him with a stunned expression. He twisted the image so she was giving him a smoky look. Of course the real Usagi couldn't do this on her best day but hey this was his fantasy so it was his rules. Next up was her hair. That stupid hairdo was always a sticking point. It was one of the reasons why he kept teasing her. It was just dumb. The question was who'swhose hair could he sub in. Shampoo of course. The image twisted and there was Usagi with a smoky smile and long luxurious purple hair that went all the way down. Of course he really wasn't into purple so a quick switch and it was blond again. Blonds just did it for him. Next up her face. Well it wouldn't be Usagi if he screwed with her face. Besides she was quite good looking already so not much to change. He also left her torso the way it was just trimming her up a bit as she'd been pigging out on ice cream lately. Moving down to her legs he decided a little bit of switching would be ok. The question was who to go for. Sure Makoto had really long legs but he didn't want her to turn out like a stork. That left Rei and Minako. Tough choice. Rei. The image wavered and 'Usagi' was clad in a short skirt showing off Rei's nice legs. The dream Usagi's expression turned from smoky to fiery. Red hot smoking ass.
Next up was a bit more up top. He gave off a grin as he put Makoto's were cheetah breasts on the dream Usagi. The shirt she was wearing suddenly billowed out as a pair of volleyballs suddenly appeared under it. This is where the dream Usagi and the real one had similar characteristics. The dream Usagi started windmilling her arms trying to regain her balance. Unfortunately for her dream gravity is theis the same and she went down into a perfect faceplant. She gave him a murderous glare andglare and flipped him off with one hand as she tried pushing off the ground with the other hand. He briefly contemplated giving her the musculature of Ranma's female form. That way she'd have the power to be able to stand. Finally he relented and switched her up with Shampoo's pair. Oh there we go.
The final completed girl was drop dead gorgeous. She was someone Mamorou would jump in a second if given a chance. It was too bad the real Usagi was nothing like his dream girl. Oh well at least he knew Usagi would be pretty hot in the future. He'd of course seen it himself.
So lost was he in his little fantasy that he could be forgiving forgiven for missing Usagi's bungled attempt at sneaking up on him.
Usagi was trying her best to sneak up on her boyfriend who had his eyes closed and for most appearances looked like he was asleep. Of course this being Usagi, and combined with the fact that she was subscribing to the Akane Tendo school of 'I can do anything never mind if I've never done it before because I am the best', she missed one of her steps and lost her balance. Instead of scaring him she tumbled over his shoulder and landed face down in his lap which of course was a little harder than normal because of his little daydream.
A mother and her young daughter were walking by at this point. The daughter points and asks her mother.
"Mommy what are they doing?" The young girl asks.
The mother is horrified that they would be doing such a thing in a public place no less answers her daughter.
"That's a special kiss that girls give to boys they really really like." The mother explains hoping that her daughter buys it.
"Oh like daddy and Auntie Yumiko?" The young girl replies as she hits her fist into her palm.
"Where did you see Auntie Yumiko kissing daddy like that?" The mother said as her eye suddenly developed a murderous twitch.
Usagi was beyond mortified. Her carefully planned surprise for her boyfriend turned literally ass over teakettle on her. As soon as she regained her wits she pushed off and allowed herself to fall on her back to the ground. Of course this knocked the wind out of her and she had to spend a few minutes getting her breath back. Throughout the entire thing Mamorou never budged. He still had his eyes closed and a stupid smile on his face. Oh yeah and a bit of drool leaking from the left corner of his mouth.
When she'd properly composed herself and dusted off her dress she turned back towards where her boyfriend was sitting and decided to snap him out of his little dream so they could go on their date.
"Hey Mamo-chan wake up!" She shouted as she shook his shoulder.
Mamorou started awake as she started to shake harder. He blinked his eyes a bit and came back to reality. Taking a quick look around he noted Usagi was standing in front of him with her hands on her hips in a classic angry girl pose. He quickly checked his watch and found that he still had 35 minutes to go before their date officially started. Usagi was really early. He looked up to see War, Pestilence, and Death playing high stakes poker near a copse of trees on the other side of the park. Their pale horses were content to just stand there and rot. Famine was of course chowing down on some Mc. Choke and Puke. Ok, so the rapture wasn't upon him. Yet.
He'd have to come up with something romantic like to stall for time without making it seem like he'd just come up with the idea. Of course he was saved as Usagi looked down.
"Just what were you dreaming about mister?" She said as she started tapping her foot on the ground.
"Umm, you?" He responded. It was technically true. He was dreaming about her just not all of her.
"Oh Mamo-Chan!" She gushed complete with the obligatory heart effect of a girl in love.
He winced as she pounced him and squished a couple of things that didn't like to be squished. Of course the kiss on the lips quickly took his mind off a bit of discomfort. He soon lost himself in the kiss.
Just as he was nipping her neck she yelped and hopped off.
"Umm n-none of th-that n-n-n-now." She stuttered out as she tried to get her breathing back under control.
Mamorou opened his eyes quite disappointed that he couldn't go any farther and saw the swarm of hearts that still danced around in the air. He watched as one of the stray hearts cut down a tree before disappearing.
"You know, love, if I didn't know any better I'd say that was one of your attacks there." He said while pointing at the swarm of hearts above her head.
"Oh those?" She said while waving the hearts away. One by one they popped out of existence. "No idea." She shrugged.
"Ahh well how about we go for a walk? Our reservations were for 8:15 so we've got some time." He said as he stood up and walked over to her.
"Sure, why not." She said as she latched onto his arm like a leech on a hapless swimmer.
The night was quite beautiful as stated before. As they were walked the lights in the park came on one by one casting shadows deep into the park. Since it was getting late there was almost nobody around. So it came as little surprise when as they rounded a corner in a remote wooded area of the park that a large shadow jumped out in front of them.
"Raaagh! I am Fultior." The creature roared.
It was roughly 7 feet tall with dark skin that was almost black, vaguely female, claws, spines, gravely voice, and a rubber Richard Nixon haloweenHalloween mask on. All in all your standard monster except for the mask.
"So what are you here to steal? Our life energy?" Usagi said as she rubbed her forehead. These things were all the same.
"Uhh no." The monster said as it scratched the back of it'sits head.
"Heart Crystals (tm)"
"Nope."
"Pure Dreams."
"No real use for them."
"So what exactly are you after?" Mamorou said finally as he really didn't feel like playing 20 questions.
"Oh yes sorry. ahem. I have come to steal your POCKET CHANGE! Mwa ha ha ha ha." Fulitor roared as it put on a full and menacing display.
"Wait a minute pocket change?" Usagi said as she tried to wrap her mind around the concept.
"Well we're a little cash strapped at the moment. You wouldn't believe the overhead costs to running an evil organization. So just hand it over and I won't have to hurt you." Fultiitor said as it put it'sits hands out expecting money.
"Fiend! I won't let you get away with this." Mamorou shouted as he pulled out a rose.
One quick transformation later and Tuxedo mask leptleapt into battle. Of course Usagi wasn't idle either she took the time that he bought her to transform into her alter ego. She had just finished her last pirouette and had settled into her pose when she saw Fultiitor's foot move in supposed slow motion between her boyfriendsboyfriend's legs. She heard the crack like a batter hitting a perfect home run, and she heard the scream like the souls of the damned had been turned loose on the world.
Everything male within 25 kilometers clutched themselves in sympathetic pain.
At the party all of the males including Ranma grabbed themselves at the same time for no apparent reason.
"Why did you do that?" Makoto asked. She and the other girls she was talking to suddenly stopped when all the guys grabbed their crotches.
"I felt a disturrrbance in the forrrce..." Ranma began.
"like a tortured soul crying out in the night..." Bob continued.
"one who has lost all and has nothing left to give..." Jim carried on.
"and faded away into oblivion." Timothy a young werejaguar concluded.
There was an uneasy silence that descended upon the group until Gina, Jim's twin sister, broke it.
"So basically some guy got the old family jewels jangled and you guys all go philosophic."
There was another silence.
"No." Ranma said. "That's not it."
"Yeah sis." Jim continued. "Whoever it was didn't just get a little bit rattled..."
"They were totally crushed." Bob finished.
"Game overrrr man." Ranma said.
All of the men said a quick prayer for the lost soul then went back to what they were doing.
"You know I've never seen anything like it before." Makoto said with a bit of awe. "I've heard the stories but I never thought I'd actually see male psychic sympathetic pain syndrome."
"Yeah it's usually just the guys within visual rrrrange of the guy who got sacked who do that. Whoeverrr just got neuterrred must have been quite powerrrful." Ranma said as he resisted the urge to make sure that he was still in one piece.
"Yeah but how do you know whoever it was, was was neutered?" Cheryl a cute little snow leopard said as she cocked her head to the side. "I mean how do you guys know this guy whoever he is won't be having any kids ever again?"
"Why do girls always go to the bathroom in groups?" Thantos interjected. He'd been quiet up till now but he felt that he had to make a comment.
"Umm well..." Cheryl strained trying to find an answer.
"Same thing we don't know how we know we just do."
"I don't know about the rest of the guy's here but I really don't want to talk about this anymore." Jim said as he forcefully changed the subject.
"Oh yeah I forgot Mom was saying something about Ranma here having some weird cat martial art or something?" Gina said as she turned towards Ranma. "I just think his rolling of his r's is so cute!"
"It's not like I have any contrrrol over it." Ranma groused. "Stupid old man."
"So what exactly is it called?." Danny a young were lion in his early 20's asked. "And how do you go about leering learning it?. I've only come across some kung fu styles that were modeled after cats, nothing that was built especially for us." He of course was the martial arts buff of the group and was quite interested in learning a new style.
"It's called the Neko ken." Makoto replied for him knowing it was a touchy subject. "It was a technique developed by humans to emulate the ferocity and fighting prowess of a hunting cat." She grimaced at this as she'd never thought she'd ever be glad to not count herself among the fellowship of man.
"Teaching the technique is quite simple you firrrst dig a pit and put a heavy lid on top." Ranma took up the story. "Then you get a whole bunch of cats and toss them into the pit." The assembled group grumbled about cruelty to animals at this. "You starrrve them until they'rrre good and mean. Next you take the trrrainee, that was me by the way, and tie them up with fish sausages and smearrr them with fish paste and then toss them into the pit..."
"That's horrible! What kind of idiot would do that to their own son no less!" Terros interrupted.
"Calling Ranma's father an idiot is an insult to idiots. Ranma here was only six at the time and like me all of his were abilities were locked away." Makoto interjected.
"So you couldn't regenerate? Man that's insane." Jim said as he tried to wrap his mind around the concept. "So what happened?"
"Well afterrr about the fourrth time I snapped. I thought I was a cat and starrrted acting like one." Ranma shuddered at the memory. He may not go cat as often when he was in hybrid or animal forms but it still spooked him.
"Like earlier?" Bob said as he still remembered the crazy catgirl.
"I guess. One of the things is that I don't rrremember anything that happens while I'm in that state of mind." He shrugged. "Doesn't happen very often though. When I'm in my half or full cat forrrm I'm mostly fine. It's just when I'm in my human form that I get spooked. I mean I usually trrry to get away but well... when the entirrre house is full of 'em." He chuckled nervously.
"I was wondering why that one cheetah was acting weird." Danny said as if remembering something. "We usually don't go around in our full animal forms because they don't hold clothes well." He thought a bit more. "I could have sworn that it was a girl though."
"Hey that's right you were a girl then we tossed you in the sink and you changed into a boy." Terros said as he suddenly remembered that happening. He blushed as he remembered how Makoto looked in her wet T-shirt as well.
"Stupid old man." Ranma muttered. "That was anotherrr of the old man's stupid ideas. See he found this old manual with a whole bunch of crrrazy trrraining areas. Problem was it was in chineseChinese and the morrron he is couldn't rrread any chineseChinese. So we ended up at this place called Jusenkyo." He coughed a bit to clear his voice. "Verrrry trrrajic storrry sirrrs." He tried his best to emulate the guide. "Seems that whateverrr falls into the pools takes the form of whatever last drowned in it. Cold water activates the currrse, hot waterrr rrreverses it." He got a cold water shower courtesy Dan.
"Drowned girl right?" He said as he tried to contain his laughter.
Ranma growled at him. "Yeah that's rrrright." He said as he stood up to go to the kitchen to change back but not before giving Dan the mother of all rasberrysraspberries.
"And he's you're your fiancee?" Jim said as he sidled closer to Makoto in an attempt to console her and maybe get some sympathy action.
"Fiancee?" Gina and Cheryl shouted as they were suddenly beside Makoto gushing about how cute he was and how lucky she was to have found somebody like him.
Gina of course was definitely lacking in the boyfriend department. Some girls at school were picking on her and throwing her into the lockers. Neither Bob nor Jim were around so after one particularly brutal hit she changed to her hybrid form and tossed that girl that had just hit her down the hall like a ragdoll, breaking her left arm in the process. The administrators ruled it as self defense and no charges were pressed however that didn't stop the boys from avoiding her like the plague. Of course after their big secret came out Jim started lounging around in his hybrid form at school. The girls all thought he looked dreamy and really exotic. It didn't help him score though because they all knew under that cool exterior was a slime ball.
"Yeah and his other one was pretty cute too." Bob said as he remembered Shampoo. He had to shove tissue up his nose to prevent another reccurancerecurrence of his nosebleed when Shampoo and Makoto kissed.
"His other what?" Cheryl asked.
"Fiancee of course." Jim said as he once again cursed fate that would give such an undeserving man like Ranma two hot babes like that. Life wasn't fair.
"Fiancee!" Cheryl and Gina shouted as they rounded on Makoto.
Makoto winced at the outburst but quickly composed herself.
"More like wife actually." She admitted in a very small voice.
"WIFE!" The assembled group shouted blowing back Makoto's hair a bit. The adults looked over to where the kids were then shrugged and went back to what they were doing.
"It's complicated." Makoto said as she tried to come up with some sort of logical explanation of their situation.
It was then that Ranma reappeared from his sojourn to the kitchen to get some hot water. He was of course in his male form and his shirt was a bit damp. He was carrying two trays with food from the snack bar. The trays contained mostly shrimp but there were a couple of pieces of sashimi on there as well. He ignored every bodiesbody's eyes as they tracked his movement and set the plates down on the end table next to where he and Makoto were sitting. He then sat down and put his arm around Makoto and drew her closer. Makoto of course blushed at this because she still hadn't answered the question about why he had more than one fiancee.
Unnoticed by most were Luna and Artemis jumping up onto the table and digging into the food. Most every bodiesbody's attention was focused on Ranma so they could be excused for not noticing two small cats.
"So what'd I miss?" He asked, clueless as ever.
"How the hell can you be so lucky to have a wife already and a fiancee!" Danny raved at the unfairness of it all.
"You two timer!" Gina snarled as she unsheathed her claws.
"Wait a minute what the hell did I do?" Ranma said as he pressed back into the couch to try and gain a few extra centimeters away from those claws.
"You already have a wife and now you're stringing along poor Makoto here!" Cheryl swooned in a classic over dramatic way. "To toy with a girlsgirl's heart in such a callous way you are an evil, evil man." She punctuated her statement by unsheathing her claws on her left hand and pointing them at him in what she thought was a cool pose. "In the name of the Moon I'll punish you!"
At this Makoto broke down laughing. Ranma was only kept in check by the fact that he had two dangerous sets of claws pointed in his direction and not much room to maneuver. The shear stupidity of Cheryl's mimicking of Usagi's traditional battle speech and posing routine almost made him break down in hysterics too. Well, either that or help her with her posing as he'd seen Usagi do it so many times before that he could point out the mistakes in the routine instantly.
"Oh wait a minute now I remember. Makoto was from an arranged marriage, and that other girl Shampoo was from some weird tribal law of hers." Jim said as he hit his fist into his palm as if just remembering it.
"What?" Gina said as she stumbled and fell forward.
"Yipe!" Ranma said as he flipped over the back of the couch just narrowly missing becoming a she without the assistance of dihydrogen monoxide in it'sits thermally unexcited state.
"Hey watch it I need that!" Makoto shouted just before she slapped her hands over her mouth.
"An arranged marriage? Who still does that in this day and age?" TimmothyTimothy asked as he scratched his chin. He, like the other four guys, werewas just itching to ask about that marriage law.
"My mom and her parents." Ranma said as he peeked out from behind the couch.
"But why?" Gina said.
Makoto decided to field this question as she was one half of the equation.
"Well as you know we were cheetahs are not the most prolific race out there. So auntie arranged this to make sure that the species continues." She said as she unconsciously reached over to where Ranma had set the plates to grab a piece of shrimp. "I mean yeah it's really old school stuff here and I was against it originally." She grabbed something fuzzy and unconsciously was lifting it towards her mouth.
"But he's got other qualities that really make up for it. For example he's really great in b..."
"Hey!" Artemis shouted as he was about to become a snack.
Makoto started as she looked down to what was actually in her hands. She eeped and dropped him into her lap. He just glared at her while swishing his tail back and forth.
"Ahh sorry about that Artemis. Wasn't thinking." Makoto said sheepishly as she tried to placate the angry cat.
"First glow in the dark goldfish, now talking cats! Wow you Japanese have everything!" Timothy said as he looked over to where Luna was sitting. She had her paw on her forehead wondering how things could get worse.
"Oh how cute!" Cheryl gushed as she rushed over and scooped up Luna and squeezed like she was a stuffed toy. "Do you talk too kitty?"
"Yes I do. Now let me go or I'll have to claw your eyes out and use them for ping pong balls!" Luna said in an eerily quiet voice. Of course that could be because she was currently having the life squeezed out of her and nothing to do with the fact that she has a violent personality.
"Uhh Cherrryl you might want to let herrr go." Ranma said as he moved to save the nice, but totally clueless of her own mortal peril, were snow leopard.
"But why? She's so cute." Cheryl responded by squeezing a bit more.
"Uhh she likes boys morrre." He hesitated. While it was true that she prefferedpreferred males he didn't know if it was wise to let her loose in this bunch. Things might happen that were anatomically impossible.
"Herrre you can cuddle with Arrrtemis." Ranma said as he picked up the still fuming cat from Makoto's lap and used his speed to switch them.
"I'll hold her then." Jim said as he held his arms out ready to receive a little pussy.
"On second thought maybe Bob should hold her." Ranma said as he handed Luna over to the muscular were tiger.
Bob stuttered for a bit before he seemed to settle down.
"Um I'm Bob. He he he. Bob I am. Bob me is." He stuttered as he eventually degraded into incoherence. If one looked closely they would see a bit of blood leaking out of his left nostril.
Ranma nodded to himself. Bob was just like Ryoga when it came to women. Luna would be kept safe and nothing would happen.
"Hey babe what are you doing later?" Artemis said from his new position between Cheryl's cleavage.
Cheryl on the other hand...
"Well later on I plan on eating lots of food, drinking way too much like I do at all these parties and waking up the next day without remembering a thing." She giggled.
Nevermind.
"So Ranma about those laws you were talking about." Timothy asked as Jim, Danny, and Teros brought out notepads and pens.
Ranma and Makoto sweatdropped at what they were asking.
"Um I don't think that's a good idea." Makoto said as she tried to think of why. It wasn't that easy trying to find a convincing argument since she would be arguing that Shampoo's sisters were a bad thing. Luckily Ranma came to her rescue.
"Watch this." He said as he leaned over. "Hey Walterrr Nairrr and Videl are herrre and boy do they look hot to trrrot!" He shouted at the hired help.
Immediately Walter stiffened and started whipping his head back and forth trying to discern the location of the threat all the while gibbering in terror. The other adults were looking at him strangely.
"See that's why. They arrre all rrreally enerrrgetic, flexible and well constantly crrrraving sex." Ranma finished thinking that he'd made his point.
"Umm I really don't see what the problem is." Jim noted and the rest of the guys except Bob nodded their heads.
"Uhh the problem is that they'll pretty much wearrr you out night afterrr night until you finally pass beyond the veil." Ranma said as he remembered how it was Shampoo not Makoto who was his main source of energy drain. If she wasn't a sailor scout herself he'd have Ami check her out to see if she was a youma or something.
"Yeah but if what you said is right Walter has two of them and you have one plus a smoking hot were cheetah. If we're not greedy we should be able to handle one little girl." Jim said. "Now spill."
"All you have to do is defeat an Amazon in battle and she's honour bound to marry you." Artemis said as he snuggled deeper into Cheryl's cleavage.
"That's it?" Teros remarked. "You beat them up and they marry you? Man Ike Turner would have had like 50 wives."
"That's just the thing they like to trrravel in packs. If you'rrrre not carrreful you could end up just like that!" Ranma almost but not quite shouted. The horror, the horror. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
"Well then that's a risk I'm willing to take. After all the life of a lover is fraught with peril." Jim said dramatically while taking a pose that would make Genma proud.
"Your funeral man." Artemis muttered under his purr.
The conversation degenerated into some meaningless stuff after that.
"I'm sorry but the tests are conclusive." The doctor said to the young couple. "Congratulations you're pregnant!"
"Eeeee Miki how could you!" Asuza squealed.
"But it was only that one time... and we were drunk too, that has to count as a contraceptive!" Mikado Sanzen bemoaned his fate to the heavens.
Usagi and Mamorou were sitting in the waiting room waiting for the doctor to come with Mamorou's tests. After the youma had been dusted she'd tried to heal him. Even though it no longer hurt (phantom pain doesn't count) they thought that they should get him checked out just to make sure the plumbing still worked. Usagi was secretly wondering if she should get Ranma to teach her beau a few things about fighting. Sure he tried but if he knew some martial arts he'd be just that much better.
Finally after waiting about half an hour the doctor finally came out.
"Mr. Chiba I have your tests here. I'm sorry but according to these tests there's no wet in your whistle."
"Excuse me?"
"Your hotdog has no ketchup."
"I don't understand."
"Your commander in chief has no troupestroops." Note that troupe is a group of actors, so no commander in chief.
"Still not getting it here."
"Your revolver is shooting blanks."
"Could you just come out and say it doc."
"You're impotent."
"Quit with the innuendo and just tell me already!"
The doctor turned his head to the now pale white Usagi. Her pigtails standing straight up in the air.
"You explain it to him." The doctor said as he left a copy of the test results with the young couple and went off to write himself a prescription for some medicinal marijuana.
"Umm Mamo chan it means..."
Interlude of Fish
An announcer comes on.
"Welcome to another edition of WHO IS CHIBI USA'S FATHER!"
"Is it Mamorou Chiba her future husband?"
Spotlight on Mamorou.
"Uhh nope I'm as limp as a dead fish."
"Is it Ranma Saotome stud and lover of many women?"
"Hell no. Makoto and Shampoo would neuter me if I ever did that!" Ranma protests as he is dragged offstage by an irate amazon and were cheetah.
"Is it Mikado Sanzenen stud and lover of many women?"
"My life is officially over." Mikado says as he is trussed up at the altar. Azuza's father is behind him with a katana to his back.
"Is it Mousse myopic man of mystery?"
"My beloved Shampoo is now a cat toy! Curse you Saotome!"
"Is it Ryoga the mysterious wanderer?"
"Where in the fanfiction am I?" Ryoga screamed to the heavens bemoaning the fates that I haven't included him yet.
"Is it Rei Hino spunky miko and secret lover of the princess."
"Umm you are aware that I am a girl right?" Rei says just before a glass of instant Nanichuan over her head turning her male.
"On second thought. Oh Usagi I've got something for you." Rei male sing songed.
"Or is it Genma Saotome? Past his prime stud and lover of one woman?"
"He he he... Urgk." Genma's sinister laugh was cut off by a scabbard to his groin.
"It had better not be him if he knows what's good for him." Nodoka said in a calm voice as she removed the scabbard.
"But No chan you're cheating on me so why... Glack!"
"We are going to have a little chat on why it's ok for me but not ok for you." Nodoka said as she changed to her hybrid form and started dragging her protesting husband offstage.
"And that's all for this edition of WHO IS CHIBI USA'S FAAAAAAATHEEEERRRRR!"
END FISH
MMMMM SUSHI
Back at the party Makoto had decided to go outside and get a bit of fresh air. She changed back to her human form as fur, even short fur like hers, tended to trap heat something fierce. She was just glad she wasn't a longhaired or arctic variety. She wondered to herself if she even shed. She blushed as she thought of the embarrassing situations she could get into. She could just imagine Rei complaining that she shed on the couch or maybe they could get her a scratching post or a shudder catnip ball.
She turned her attention back to the yard and noticed something that really shouldn't have been there. Make that 5 somethings that shouldn't have been there. She blinked a few times and then rubbed her eyes to make sure that what she was seeing wasn't an illusion. When they failed to go away she waved them over to where she was.
"Over here! Come here! Nice juicy life energy right here!" She shouted.
The five youma that had been wandering in the area in search of something to do turned and saw the crazy human in the too big clothes begging them to take her energy. Since they left the base without eating anything she would make a nice light snack. Internally they were cheering at their luck.
Internally she was cheering at her luck. Who would have thought that 5 tuna monsters would just come cruising through their yard during the party.
"Ragh foolish human we've come to..." The lead monster started but was cut off by the crazy human.
"You're some of those monsters that have been going around stealing life energy from people right?" She asked.
"Uhh yeah." Tuna 1 responded.
"Do you guys regenerate?" She asked hopefully.
"No our mistress didn't think that would be useful.
"Damn." Makoto said as she snapped her fingers.
"Magic resistance or Damage resistance?"
"Magic resistance of course. I'd love to see some of those stupid senshi try to hurt us!" Tuna 2 boasted.
"Good good." Makoto said as she was making a list of things. Strangely it looked like a menu.
"Do you mind if I go get some more dine... I mean victims for your diabolical scheme? We're having a party here tonight and there'sthere are plenty of people here with lots of life energy."
"Uhh sure I guess. I mean it doesn't really matter how many of you there are as we are still superior!" Tuna 1 said as they got ready for the feeding frenzy of their lives.
Makoto ran up to the house and flung open the doors. "Hey everybody get out here now you've got to see this!" She shouted as loud as she could then turned around and walked back to where the Tuna monsters were waiting.
She didn't have to wait long as the others still in hybrid form walked out of the house in a large group. Their cat eyes gleaming in the moonlight.
"So what did you want of us Makoto dea..." Mrs. Saotome cut herself short as she caught sight of exactly why they were called out here.
"Hey Makoto are they damage or magic?" Ranma asked.
"Magic."
"I do believe this is one time where our full animal forms would be quite appropriate." Nodoka commented.
As one the entire group transformed into their animal forms their clothing sliding off their bodies and ending up pooled on the ground. Makoto at the front took point. The tuna monsters looked like they were about to wet themselves if they hadn't already done so. They were staring at a whole bunch of large hungry cats. This was definitely something they hadn't signed up for.
In some kind of erieeerie synchronization they all licked their chops, left to right.
Then mortal kombat began.
"Mommy"
Censored
Oh that's gotta hurt
Tastes like chicken
Ami in her Sailor Mercury form was sitting on the roof of the mansion. She was still trying to figure out how to crash the party when she noted the 5 youma stalking the yard. Before she could call for help she paused. What would be her reason for being near the mansion? She needed to come up with something good. Her computer had detected them and she came to investigate? Hmm they wouldn't buy that. Her house was farther away than the others. Her computer had detected them and the reason she was here first was she was out looking for some tail. While accurate in both senses she didn't want to go quite that far. There would be plenty of time to figure out a good excuse later right now she was going to need help.
Right before she hit the all call button on her communicator she noticed Makoto in her human form shouting and waving at the youma to come over and take her energy. The youma were fish of some kind. Yellow fin tuna if she remembered correctly. They were not the largest species but quite tasty none the less...
She'd missed the okonomiyaki monster at the park but she'd heard what they'd done. Now she would be witness to an entire feeding frenzy. The question was should she record it for posterity or just go and empty her stomach now before it was too late. Deciding on the former she pulled out her mini computer and connected it to her visor and set it to record.
When the others had come out she'd gotten excited as she saw all the prime maleness that was down there for the picking. She unconsciously licked her lips as she saw the large were tiger that was carrying Luna. She now had a target. Now all she needed was for her chance to strike. She idly noted that Artemis was snuggling into another cat's chest. She couldn't quite tell what species, probably snow leopard or maybe an albino of some other species. He of course seemed to be enjoying himself immensely. She idly toyed with the idea of telling Minako that her cat was cheating on her but decided against it as Artemis had sharp claws and teeth.
She watched as they eerily shifted all at the exact same time and licked their lips in unison as well. Then they descended upon the hapless youma like a pack of wolves... no that wasn't quite accurate. More like a pack of lions on the Serengeti taking down multiple prey and that Luna and Artemis were the cubs picking up the chunks that were thrown their way. Sure she'd seen this sort of thing on the Discovery channel japanJapan, but this was more primal and fierce than anything that they'd shown. She had to dodge as a fin flew past her and impacted the roof turning to dust as it hit like all youma. She suddenly got an idea of how to crash the party.
She silently vowed to never ever eat a tuna sandwich again anywhere near the two cats. It was just too dangerous. Kinda like eating with Usagi.
Back down at the massacre, sorry, failed youma attack, the rest of the cats had finished eating and were now cleaning up. Only Ranma was licking himself clean because that little chow down had activated his cat side and he was now person non grata. After the others had transformed back and had gotten dressed Ranma wandered over and started alternating between rubbing himself up against his mother and Makoto. Rhea a stately 40 something were tigress noticed this and came over to find out exactly why her friends son had suddenly lost his mind.
"Nodoka forgive me if this seems rude." She began. "But I couldn't help but notice that your son is acting a wee bit strange." She finished as Ranma decided to be friendly and rub up against this newcomer. "Eeep." Rhea squeaked as she leapt back.
"Come here Ranma. Here boy." Makoto said as she called him over.
"Yes I'm afraid that my husband..." Nodoka started only to be cut off by Rhea.
"You mean the fat tub of lard that got you pregnant then took off with your son for 10 years leaving you all alone? That useless piece of trash?" Rhea said.
"Yeah that one." Nodoka confirmed.
"Good Ranma." Makoto said as she quickly grabbed his tail and using her considerable strength tossed him in the general direction of the pool.
"Two points!" Makoto shouted as she pumped her fist in the air after the successful splashdown of her now less than fully crazy fiancee.
"About that Rhea he decided to train my son in something called the Neko ken..." Again she was cut off.
"So that's the Neko ken. What kind of blasted idiot is he?" Rhea raged.
Nodoka just gave her a stare.
"Right sorry forgot."
"Anyway I take it you've heard of it before." Nodoka said with a hit of curiousness in her voice.
"Yes unfortunately. That's the one where they throw kids wrapped in fish into pits with starving cats right?" She said as she massaged her temples knowing where her friend was going with this.
"That's the one. I was hoping that you would have some ideas. He seems to be mostly fine in his hybrid or full cheetah forms, well except for some glitches, he just rolls his r's and is a bit more catty than normal. It's his human form I'm worried about. Even though he knows he's a cat he still freaks out when he sees one of us in our hybrid forms. It is quite disconcerningdisconcerting to know that your own son is afraid of you." Nodoka trailed off. "Well more afraid of you than they are supposed to be anyway."
Rhea took a moment to think. She'd never heard of anybody being stupid enough to actually try to teach that flawed technique to a were cat before so she was not quite sure what she could tell her friend. Although maybe with a few demonstrations she could work something out. She wasn't the best fighter in her tribe for nothing. Now if only her good for nothing kids would only take their training seriously everything would be fine. She looked at Nodoka who was looking back expectantly. She sighed as she'd have to make up something for now.
"Yes it's probably that his cat side and human side were separated during that incident. I'm not sure if we can put them back together again. Maybe a pleasurable experience with a cat or two would help." She said as she struggled to control her emotions.
"I really doubt that's possible. Even when we're together it's always in hybrid or human forms. Ranma still gets scared of me when I'm in hybrid and he's in human. It really is annoying." Makoto jumped into the conversation. She'd been watching as the now female Ranma pulled herself out of the pool and trudged over to her clothing.
"That is not good." Rhea commented.
"Well it does have it's upsides." Makoto said trying to look on the bright side of things. "He has conscious control over the neko ken when he's in his hybrid or animal forms and he gives the greatest tongue baths when we're..." She stopped suddenly as she admitted what they were doing and blushed heavily while averting her eyes to the ground.
"My son is so manly!" Nodoka gushed as a now wet, female and fully dressed Ranma walked up to them. "Even when he's a girl he's still manly!"
Rhea sweatdropped at what Nodoka had said then she noticed a female were cheetah walking up to where they were standing. For some reason she was rubbing her butt at the base of her tail. It was strange because she only knew three females and two of them were here and the third was supposed to be in Atlanta.
"Now I know what that prrreverrrbial dead cat feels like." Ranma grumbled.
"Who are you?" She asked as certain things started to click.
"Umm I'm Rrranma, you'rrre prrrobably going to want an explanation rrright?" She said sheepishly.
"That would help." Rhea said as she remembered several ki techniques for disguising one's self. The only thing they couldn't do was change the sex of your ki. Ranma was definitely male if what her daughter had told her was accurate, but the person infront of her was generating a huge amount of female ki.
"You know I should just have Nabiki prrrint off some brrrochures or something. Maybe an interrractive prrresentation. This storrry's rrreally getting quite old." Ranma said as she grumbled about having to tell it yet again.
"Long story short. Pop's a moron. He took me to this currrsed place called Jusenkyo in the Bayankala rrregion of China. Therrre arrre hundreds of pools and if you fall into one you take on the forrrm of the last thing that drrrowned there. Cold waterrr activates the currrse, hot waterrr turrrrns ya back. Prrretty easy to figure out wherrre I fell into." Ranma said with only a hint of disgust in his voice.
"Hmm I see. Makoto here says that you have control of the neko ken. I would very much like to actually see it in action." Rhea said as she motioned for him to join her in a more open part of the yard.
"It's nothing rrreally special." Ranma said as she rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment.
"I'm inclined to disagree. From what I've read neko ken warriors are quite formidable." Rhea said as she got into a stance.
"Yeah well I still say it's morrre trrrouble than it's worrrth." Ranma said as she got into a non stance.
The others gathered around. They'd all seen Rhea fight before and wondered exactly how badly Ranma was going to get creamed.
Rhea started off by shouting something about a jitsu and then four copies of her appeared. Ranma responded by sniffing the air. Only one of the five Rhea's infront of him was giving off any scent. He smiled as he remembered the splitting cats hairs technique of Cologne's. Only one of them was real and the others were illusions. The copies spread out to encircle him but he paid them no mind as he stared at the only one that was real.
"That's not going to worrrk." Ranma said nonchalantly as he stared at the real Rhea. "I can trrrack yourrrr scent. I know those otherrrs arrre just illusions, they can't actually hurrrt mURK." Ranma was caught off guard as one of those illusions slammed a massive haymaker into the side of his head throwing him 2 meters away.
"Pretty effective for an illusion." Rhea taunted.
"It is at that." Ranma agreed as he got up. He wiped a bit of blood from his mouth. "Well then do you get hurrrt if I hurrrt them?" Ranma asked.
"No they're copies made of solidified ki. I'm controlling them but there is no feedback if they're destroyed." Rhea said impressed that he would think of that.
"Then you won't mind if I do this!" Ranma said as he engaged full speed almost dissapearingdisappearing from view. Rhea almost didn't have time to react as she hastily threw up a ki shield in front of her.
Ranma's ki claws tore into the shield and Rhea had to pump way more ki into it than she normally did just to keep him from getting through but it worked and she was saved for a little bit longer. Her shadow clones however were not so lucky as he had targeted them first which was her only saving grace. They all exploded in a puff of smoke one after another. Seeing that he wasn't going to get through her shield he jumped back to get some room just in case she decided to retaliate. Little did he know that it took almost all her power just to keep the shield in one piece.
As soon as he disengaged she dropped the shield and resisted the urge to drop to the ground herself. The boy was just so STRONG. The stories she'd heard of the neko ken were true and then some. Combined with his natural were strength and ungodly speed he was a force of nature that she doubted that she'd be able to stop if he ever decided to go full out. He was just standing there looking all innocent waiting for her to get her breath back so he could attack again. It was all some sort of game to him. If he thought he could play that way and get away with it she'd show him exactly why she was considered the best fighter in her tribe.
"Holy lance!" She cried as she unleashed a torrent of raw ki at the pigtailed cheetah boy. It was no where near full strength as she was pretty tired. He of course stepped to the side to avoid it.
The holy lance technique is quite draining as the user had to constantly expend ki to maintain contact with the main blast. While quite disadvantageous in certain respects it did have one redeeming quality.
It could be steered.
As the ki blast slammed into his side it tore a huge chunk out of him. Makoto gasped and was about to run to his aid when Nodoka put her hand on her shoulder. She shook her head and smiled. It was then that Makoto remembered that silver and magic thing.
Sure enough the wound was healing right before their eyes as Ranma staggered to her feet. She shook her head once to clear the cobwebs and then found herself on the receiving end of a barrage of punches and kicks. Being a student of Genma he managed to block or evade most of the attacks. A few slipped through though and caused some serious bruises. Since those were caused by her fists and feet not ki they weren't healing anywhere near as fast. Deciding that he'd played enough he decided to disarm her.
Literally.
"I can't believe you cut my arms off!" Rhea said as she looked at her arms lying off to the sides. She had been knocked to the ground with that last attack.
"I used my ki so they'll grrrow back." Ranma said as he held her side where a particularly nasty kick had cracked her ribs. They were healing but just not as fast.
"But still did you have to go that far?" Rhea said. It was going to be a pain not having her arms for the next day or two till they grew back.
"Well I could have cut off both yourrr legs as well." Ranma stated as he remembered that one britishBritish movie. Couldn't remember the name of it for the life of him. "But this was supposed to be a frrriendly match." He smiled as he disengaged his ki claws.
"That was soooo cool!" Gina gushed as she rushed up to where Ranma was standing.
"Traitor!" Rhea said as she scowled at her offspring. "Just for that you're going to help me until my arms grow back."
"But Mooooom." Gina whined.
"No buts missy now help you're poor disabled mom to the house. We've got to dress these before I bleed all over Mrs. Saotome's yard." Rhea said as she used her powerful leg muscles to lever herself to a standing position.
"Disabled my ass." Gina mumbled under her breath.
"What was that young lady!" Rhea said. She had of course heard exactly what her daughter had said using that mysterious ability that all parents have for hearing what their children say.
"Nothing mom!" Gina eep'd.
"That's what I thought you said." Rhea said as she started walking towards the house.
"I have to agree with Gina though." Danny said as he too reappraised Ranma's skills. Rhea underestimated her opponent and got burned. However he wasn't so sure if she could win even if she had started by going all out.
"It's nothing imprrressive." Ranma said as she scratched the back of her head.
"Actually, son, it's more than impressive. Rhea was the best fighter that I had ever seen and you systematically took her apart." Ginae, the werepanther that was with Nodoka, said with a little awe. His soon to be son er daughter was a very impressive fighter.
"Yeah well the cost is kinda high so it should be imprrressive." Ranma said with a little pout. Makoto came up and wrapped her arms around the smaller were cheetah girl.
"Hey what's with all this gloominess. This is a party!" Cheryl said as Artemis jumped back into her arms. "We should be getting drunk and having fun!"
"Yes of course. We should be going back inside now... hey who's that?" Danny replied before pointing at the newcomer in the yard.
Everybody looked over to the house to see a lone female figure standing there with what looked like a pda in her hand. For those in the know, and surprisingly there were more there than you would first suspect, they automatically recognized the figure as Sailor Mercury. Ranma and Makoto just slapped their hand over their face.
"I detected some youma in the area and I was wondering if any of you saw where they went?" Mercury said with a smile, She liked her martini's stirred not shaken.
Deep in the bowels of the earth something was stirring. It was of course magma and it's always stirring deep in the bowels of the earth because that's what it does. Of course it has absolutely nothing to do with this story so we'll move on.
Setsuna laughed long and hard as she set another ewok on fire in KOTOR 2 just to watch it burn.
Yes being the dark side certainly is fun.
Authors notes:
I deny all evidence that I am dead! Really terribly sorry about this. I can't believe I haven't done ANYTHING since last year! Crap. Well there are a few things that contributed to it. None of it matters though.
I went to Tokyo for the month of march. I now understand Ryoga's character a lot more. In Tokyo you need a gps unit, a compass and a map. You need the compass and a map for when the gps unit goes "WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOW?" Also I noticed a lot of differences. For example the only guy with a nice yard is the emperor himself. Everybody else doesn't get a yard. It's very expensive to live there and as such Nodoka wouldn't have been able to have the large yard I'm describing. Oh well it's my story and it's fiction.
A couple of things on the last chapter. No Ranma has not done any of the senshi other than Makoto. Minako was making a joke to peeve off Makoto. Also I don't want to deal with pregnancies or any of that other stuff so birth control is in full effect. I am trying to tone down the sex but quite honestly this is how it is in Tokyo. If your still a virgin in Tokyo when you're 16 somethings wrong. It was really strange.
I will be updating more often now. My poor Clie bit the dust. I worked out the cost of what I wanted and decided to spend a bit more and get meself a laptop.
My new iBook is so iCute
Anyway thanks to my prereaders
Lord Raa, Chi Vvayne, and