Finally

I realised the other day that I'd been in love with her for ages.

How long had I known? Why do people fall in love? Do affection and love co-exist happily on some emotional spectrum of warm and gooey feelings? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, all I know is that it's hopeless and…I'm in love with her.

Rikku.

I'm not sure how long I've been up here, hours perhaps, although it feels like days. The deck always was my favourite place on the Celsius. A place to be alone with my thoughts. And these days, I have a lot of thoughts. And I feel very alone.

I hear footsteps behind me. A familiar voice in my ear.

"Hey Dr P, what's with the doom and gloom?"

She hugs me from behind, her strong brown arms encircling my torso. I can feel her chest pressing into the small of my back. She's warm, so warm. And soft. I savour the sensation for a moment and play along, pretending to struggle and break free.

"Someone's about to lose some respect points!" I mutter.

She giggles, and releases me from her grasp. I turn and face her. I drink her with my eyes. She is all exuberance and fire. Long blonde hair waving wildly in the wind as we stand on the deck of the Celsius. Eyes green as the heart of emerald, skin the colour of burnished copper, desert heat. And those long long legs that I can't help but stare at.

She takes my cold hand in her warm brown one. "It's freezing up here, let's go downstairs where it's warm!" I acquiesce and allow her to lead me down to the bar.

It's been three months since we finished that business with Vegnagun and Shuyin. Three months since Yuna got her blonde surfie boy back. That's mean-hearted of me I know; I have nothing against Tidus, he seems like a good sort, just not the sort I'd personally go for.

It's been three months since I've seen Rikku.

I guess I miss the old days a little, when it was just the three of us. Rikku went back to the desert for a while to help her people rebuild Home. Since then she's been travelling around a lot. I doubt any place, or anyone for that matter, could hold her for long. It's just me, Buddy, Brother and Barkeep here now. Plus whoever Brother happens to randomly pick up. They get a free ride, he gets free labour. So I guess everyone's happy.

Why am I still here? I don't have anywhere else to go. For the past two years my life has revolved around finding out the truth behind the Crimson Squad, with a bit of saving the world and plenty of girl-power thrown in for good measure. I'm still sphere hunting and making a decent living out of it…but I feel empty, aimless, adrift. I miss the challenges, although they were often potentially limb-threatening. I miss the camaraderie. But most of all, I miss her. And I guess I stayed onboard because everything here reminds me of her, and of the times that we've shared.

Why her of all people? She is my inverse, my polar opposite. So damned cheerful all the time. Immature. Impulsive. Unpredictable. It's really hard to follow her thought process sometimes, it moves in leaps and bounds. It really got to me at first. I thought it was all an act, a façade. It's impossible for anyone to be that carefree. But I gradually realised that's the type of person Rikku is – someone who has the good sense to be happy in the moment, without worrying what the future may bring. I learnt over time to admire that about her. And wish that I were more like that. She was always there to cheer us up when things went wrong, there to see the humour in any situation and laugh at it. Around her, I became less introverted, more carefree. She made me laugh.

The fierce wind has left her already unruly hair in a huge tangle. It's sticking out at weird angles all over the place. I can't help but smile. Rikku is still Rikku. And for that I'm profoundly glad. Barkeep serves us our drinks and finds an excuse to leave whilst we talk. Questions arise and die on my lips. I want to her ask her why she's here so suddenly, when I haven't seen or heard from her for three months. But I don't know how, so I settle for asking "So how are you?"

Actually, she seems subdued today, not her usual hyperactive self. She looks down into her drink and doesn't reply.

"Is everything alright?" I ask her. "How are things going with Gippal?"

I heard from Yuna that Rikku and Gippal got together a few months ago, after a great deal of not-so-covert flirting from both parties during our sphere hunting days. I wasn't surprised when they did, and I genuinely like Gippal, but I have to admit a serious pang of jealousy at the time. But, I wanted to believe it was a good thing. I shouldn't be crushing on someone I can never have. Someone who'll never see me as anything more than a friend.

At the mention of his name, Rikku's fingers tighten around her glass. Her knuckles are white through her brown skin. "I broke up with Gippal this morning," she says in a low voice.

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said. And I was. They seemed to be a good match. Equals. "Are you okay with it?"

To my alarm a tear rolls down her cheek and into her drink. This is followed by another tear, and then another, and then she is sobbing outright, her shoulders shaking. Cautiously, carefully, I put my hand on her shoulder. She turns to me and pretty much throws herself into my arms, clinging to my chest as if her life depended on it. I feel the wetness from her tears seeping through my clothing. I'm holding her, I'm holding Rikku. Despite her distress, I savour the moment. However, I'm also really worried – I've never seen her lose control like this ever. I've never even seen her cry. Yuna would know what to do, she always does, but stupid me, I have no idea.

"Shh, it's alright Rikku. It'll be alright." These words I intone over and over again, like a mantra against her overwhelming emotion. After a few more minutes, the storm of weeping subsides. I let her go, reluctantly. She sniffs, wipes her face and grins at me somewhat sheepishly.

"I'm sorry Dr P, I don't know what came over me just then."

"Are you ok?" I ask her again.

"Yeah, I am, but I think I owe you an explanation."

I wait silently. Suddenly she seems fragile, apprehensive. Torn, confused. Her face has always been an open book to me, I've always found it particularly endearing. Today is a day of firsts.

"I really like Gippal," she starts. "He's a really good guy. He's a bit macho sometimes, but really sweet."

I nod and wait for her to continue.

"But I broke up with him. He asked me why, and I said it was 'coz of a dream I had, and that's why we couldn't be together.

I was stunned. "You broke up with him, because of a dream?"

"Yeah," she replied quietly, a sad look on her face. "It was the saddest most painful dream. But it also made me realise something so very important. And that's when I knew I had to end things with Gippal. So I did."

"Poor guy. How did he take it?"

"Well, he was pretty upset at first. But then I told him about my dream. And then he told me that my heart was trying to tell me something and that he wouldn't stop me from finding it."

"Well, what was it about?" I ask. Rikku can be pretty impulsive at times, but surely even she wouldn't break up with someone for just any dream. She looks at me then, and subconsciously I hold my breath. Her are very large and green, and her expression is quite stricken.

"It was about you."

A tear rolls down her cheek. For a moment I fear the flood gates might open again, but they don't. She takes my hands in hers.

"I dreamt you were hurt Paine. No, that's not right. I dreamt you were hurting because of me, and I got there too late and you were gone. And I knew that I could never see you again. When I woke up I was crying…because…because I never got to tell you how much you mean to me…and I knew that if I had, things might have been different. Like maybe I could have saved you."

How much you mean to me? As in... My brain's stopped working now.

I stared at her like an idiot, my mouth open. "What?" I managed. Wow. Great conversational skills Paine.

Rikku's blushing now, even through her tan, she looks down refusing to meet my eyes, but her hands tighten over mine. Her confusion and apprehension are evident, but like the trooper she is, she goes on.

"I think I'm in love with you Paine. That's what my dream made me see. I…I don't know if it's right, but I am. And I had to see you. And tell you. In case I never…but I guess it was a stupid thing for me to do…" She lets go of my hands now, embarrassed.

"Rikku." I put my palm under her chin, cupping it gently. My fingers caress the side of her face, wiping away her tears. I tilt her face upwards and force her to meet my gaze. She does so, looking almost defiant, anticipating rejection.

"You have saved me."

Very slowly and carefully, I bend down and touch my lips to hers. Softly, so softly! She makes a cute sound of surprise, but then my mouth is over hers cutting off any other sound. It is a chaste kiss at first, but quickly I feel her respond, the kiss deepening, hot and passionate, our tongues waging a fierce battle for supremacy. Her arms snaking around my neck, pulling me close to her, while mine tighten around her waist. I feel like I'm drowning, drowning in her. It's the best death ever. But eventually we both have to come up for air. I'm holding her close, so close I can feel her heart beat through my own chest. So vulnerable. So amazing. I would do anything for this girl. Her arms are still firmly wrapped around my neck, and she leans forward to kiss me once more. But just before she does, I'm finally able to say the words I've held close to my heart for so long.

"Rikku, I'm in love with you too."