Decision

Chapter 18

"Mizuho?" Anna asked, she didn't stutter as much as before, seemed much more sure of the sounds and pronunciation. She tapped the dot on the map, the city, or town rather. Kratos looked over her shoulder, read the squiggle, and nodded. She didn't look up, she knew he nodded, she could feel his hair tickle the back of her neck. She giggled, then after a quick scan tried another town's name. "Ozzettie?"

"Close enough."

"I want to know Kratos, close enough isn't an answer I take anymore, remember?"

"Ozette, no "ie" sound at the end. But it was still very close."

"If it's not right then it's not right. I'll take very close in a few things Kratos, but not reading."

"Now who's PalmaCosta's Scholar?"

Anna whistled sharply, and Noishe came up to Kratos. The mercenary cursed as the protozoan knocked him over, buried him under his weight. Noishe mock growled, jumped up and down, all the while Kratos struggled to get up. Anna leaned against a tree and watched as her husband struggled to sit up. When it looked like he was going to be able to pull himself off the forest floor Noishe ran across the clearing and bowled the Seraphim over in a flying tackle. They rolled around a bit, but Noishe came up on top. Watching Noishe play with Kratos was a treat, and one Lloyd seemed to enjoy. He was a little older now, in the later part of two years in life, and he was beginning to understand that Daddy was very serious. So he laughed with his mommy as Kratos was bowled into a bush. There was no movement for a long time, Noishe's ears slicked back and he walked to the mess of a bush with a whimper. A gloved hand reached out from the darkness and leaves and Noishe was dragged into the ruined flora. He managed a very convincing panicked yalp before vanishing from Anna's sight.

"Bye bye Noshy!" Lloyd chirped, and Anna laughed. Lloyd was talking, a little early, and he didn't alway make sense, but he was still quite the talker. What peace and quiet that Anna and Kratos had savored was now non-existent. Lloyd would make up nonsense songs, ask for stories, and when his parents couldn't talk to him he talked to Noishe.

Noishe was now the official Aurion family pet and its sounding board.

When Lloyd wasn't talking to him Kratos was, even Anna had caught herself unloading to the dog.

Kratos would have sighed, corrected her, told her that Noishe was a protozoan.
Whatever that was...

Oh he had told her the legend of the protozoan before, had told her that Noishe was a being of ancient times, that he had been created on the dawn of the world. But that was impossible! Yes, anyone else could have told her impossibility was no longer a part of the world. After all her husband was an angel. Angels did not exist anywhere but in the scriptures, at least for a rational person they didn't. Rational, normal, these didn't exist in her life. But Noishe, Noishe made sense. He was a dog, he looked like a dog, acted like a dog. What else could he be?

Yalping in terror Noishe ran back to Anna and the clearing, Kratos had either used his magic to douse the dog, or had finally found a stream to chuck their pet into. Kratos came back, a lazy swagger to his step, a smug smile on his lips. His sword on was as always on his main belt, his purple clothes a little worse for wear, but then all there clothes were. Living out in the wilds, occasionally going into the cities every month or so... It was to be expected. He was covered with bits of plant and dust, and seeing Anna, paused to pull out the worst of his play from his hair. Noishe snarled, then sprang forward, Kratos threw his arms in front of him, braced for yet another tackle. Noishe skid to a stop in front of the seraphim, then shook himself out. With a happy bark Noishe ran away, and the now muddy seraphim glared daggers at the fleeing hound.

"I think he got the last laugh beloved. He always seems to keep the upper hand on you."

Lloyd gigged, then totted to his father with a happy smile on his face. He bent, picked up Lloyd with a powerful arm, and swung there son in a circle over his head. Lloyd squeaked, he loved it when Kratos did that. Kratos made a point of doing it often. Life was a rough for them, Kratos passed onto her what he could of his endless knowledge of survival. He taught her how to hunt, to make traps, what plants were safe to gather. He also was continuing her normal education, Anna was a competent reader now, but he was always insistent that she learn more. To better herself, to become stronger. But now he was lessening the time they spent on intellectual studies, he was trusting her to teach herself and come to him when she needed help or wanted to be tested.

"Did your mother do the reading like she was supposed to?" Kratos asked Lloyd. Their son giggled, nodded his head.

"I see you have a little spy on your side Kratos. For shame! You shouldn't use Lloyd like that!" She glared at him over the pot of rabbit stew she was making, and waved the wooden spoon at him like a sword.

"Two, I have two spies Anna."

Noishe padded from the darkness, and seeing that Kratos had forgiven him, barked. The dog wagged his bushy tail, and met Anna's eyes. One of them closed in a sly wink. He always winked at her, winked at Lloyd. Then he'd stiffen up into a military attention stance when Kratos looked his way. Lloyd giggled, reached for Noishe, and both parents rolled there eyes.

"No Lloyd, no Noishe rides today. You have already had your Noishe ride, remember?"

"Noshy!"

"Lloyd, no." Kratos' voice became firm, and Lloyd stopped arguing. He knew better, even at two, then to argue with his father when he talked in that tone. "No rides until tomorrow."

"Noshy..."

It was a bit of a grumble, a bit of a sigh of defeat. Lloyd knew better then to try to yell his Father down. To try to cow either of his parents with raw volume. Oh, he did try sometimes, but Kratos always took firm steps to stop Lloyd when he carried on for too long. Their son brightened when Kratos set him down, and he tottered over to the fire. Anna saw the panic, saw the harsh retort on Kratos' lips, and saw him relax when Lloyd plopped down a few feet away from the fire. Lloyd was mimicking his parents, was sitting by the fire.

Kratos sighed with relief, wiped his brow, though he could no longer sweat. Well at least he claimed that he couldn't, Anna had her doubts about that, but kept her thoughts to herself. After a moment Kratos adjusted his sword and then joined Lloyd. The youngest member of the Aurion family seemed happy enough, seemed to have forgotten that his father had just scolded him. Lloyd leaned back, lay his head on his father's lap, and looked up.

"Daee big."

"Yep, Daddy is pretty big." Anna laughed, and checked the stew, it was ready to be eaten. "Are you three hungry?"

"Three?" Kratos cocked his head to the side, Lloyd tried to do the same thing, but all he did was squirm a little. Kratos looked down, and smiled. Noishe barked and Lloyd looked at his daee with hope on his face.

"No Lloyd, you must be patient. Tomorrow you can have a Noishe ride."

"Noshy." Lloyd muttered. Kratos' eyes narrowed and Lloyd giggled. "Noshy funny!"

"I guess he is, are you hungry Lloyd?"

"Yup!"

"Anna, look at what you started!"

"Kratos he's what, two and a half? He's not going to be talking well until he gets a little older."

"You are making it worse." Kratos muttered, then as Anna moved to make him a bowl he shook his head. "Not right now beloved, I am not hungry at the moment."

"You need to eat when you can Kratos. Lloyd really looks up to you, I don't want him thinking that he doesn't have to eat because Daddy never does."
A worried look touched Kratos' face, he looked at Lloyd then to Anna. Anna could see him ready to say something. Then Kratos sighed, took his thought, and added it to the many others he carried but never told. There was a point that Anna could never cross, an invisible line that kept them apart. That line is where Kratos kept his darkest secrets, his worries, that line was where the drew curtains so that even his own eyes could not peer into the darkness inside of him.

"I will have to pass on lunch Anna, I will try to have dinner tonight."

"Luntuh!" Lloyd chirped, then sensing the mood patted his dadee's leg.

"Lunch." Kratos muttered, ruffling his son's hair. "You will get it right soon enough."

There were times Anna wished Kratos would keep his thoughts to himself, she wished that the Seraphim wouldn't let her into his fears. But there were times when she hated the barriers he had in his soul. Yet she feared what was behind those inner walls. She was a hypocrite in that, and if she had the nerve to tell him of it, he would have just said she was a normal human.

"They want me to make a report at Derris Kharlan, then they want me to move onto Sylvarant." Anna shivered, she recalled the tomb city, the city with no ambition, the city of angels. She held her son to her, Lloyd was asleep, he had fallen asleep in her lap after dinner. Anna was just glad to be able to hold him while she took in the horrible news. "Now that leaves us with a few options. I could leave you here with Lloyd in Tethe'alla. Set you two up with some small noble family, and you could live here while I..."

"Don't even finish that thought Kratos. We are going with you, no matter what."

"Anna it's dangerous, here at least you will be safe!"

"No we wont, or have you forgotten Meltokio? Or how about the stranger asking around for me in Ozette? Kratos we are still being hunted, I don't know by who, or what, but we can't settle down. We don't dare."

"Damn it Anna!" He stood, turned from her and clenched both his fists. "I want to protect you, but if you stay with me then Mithos will see you. If I leave you then whoever is hunting you will catch you!" He sighed, his hands unclenched. "Maybe if I had never..."

"Kratos Aurion shut up right now!" To her wonder, he did. "Don't you ever ever think that you would have been better off having never met me! Don't ever think that I'd be better off if I never met you! And Lloyd, your son, don't hurt him like that. Don't make him into nothing because times are rough for you."

"Anna this is not about..."

"Yes it is. I told you the second I knew I was pregnant that I would take what ever risks needed to keep our son alive. I would bear him, I would bear all the wraith of Cruxis, I would live my life in flight if need be! I love you, I love him, if I have you both I'm fine. That's all I ever need. Danger, ha! Kratos there is no safe place in any world or place between the worlds, or under, or whatever nasty hide-y hole Mithos made when he went nuts! I'd live through anything, endure anything, just to be with you. Even if it were safe do you think I'd just meekly wait, ten, twenty years for you to stop playing as Mithos' pet and come back. Kratos I may not live that long. You have eternity, me and Lloyd don't."

Agony, her words were ripping into him, making him bleed. She could see it in his eyes. This was one of the things in him he didn't bring forward, it was one of the slivers of darkness behind the curtain.

Forgive me beloved but you have to understand, you have to see...

"Kratos, I will die, you have to come to terms to that. I will die before you, I don't want to see you become another Yuan, please, don't do that to me."

A tremble wracked him, he still did not turn to face her.

"Kratos I love you, I knew what I was going to have to sacrifice for that love. I would never have a normal life, I'd see things, horrible things, and I'd probably die young. I knew that before I ever saw your wings. I.." She blushed, shifted Lloyd. "I was jealous at first, you'd just disappear for long spans of time, I knew you were doing some of the tasks Forcystus did, but I also knew that they weren't taking as long to do as you were gone. So... so I slipped into your room and hid in your closet when you weren't in there."

"You what!" Kratos looked embarrassed, his face was so red that Anna laughed. Luckily for them both Lloyd kept on sleeping.

"You heard me, I was jealous, angry, I just knew you had another woman. I was just your pet, a pawn, it happened to me before and the symptoms looked the same."

Kratos strangled, his face a rich crimson, and for the life of him he could not get a coherent sentence out of himself.

"I was such a little girl Kratos. Hurt, angry, I wanted a reason, any reason, to be dismissed. I wouldn't be killed I know you well enough you wouldn't have me executed... So I figured you valued your privacy, I'd violate that and maybe get beat then forced with all the other prisoners. Then I'd never have to deal with you again." Anna smiled, a cynical smile. "It would hurt you, and the way I was I wanted you to be hurt because I thought I'd make me feel better. So I hid in your closet, and you came in. Or rather you flew in." Anna closed her eyes. "There was blood all over you, all on your sword, your hands, your wings were dripping with it. I was scared to death Kratos, I had been hiding in that closet for hours thinking about how angry I was with you, and I had just started to realize I was just angry with myself. I was about ready to slip out, then you came in."

She waited, Kratos only stared at her in total disbelief.

"I thought you were a monster, I thought you were a demon, I didn't recognize you at first. I'd never seen you like that before, so distant, so cold." She shivered despite herself. "I though you could see me, I thought I was going to die. I ah watched while you cleaned up..." She blushed, looked to Lloyd and wouldn't lift her gaze. "I felt like I was going to be sick, I wanted to get sick, I'd never seen so much blood, so many scars, in my life... but despite that I was worried, you looked like you had gotten hurt really bad. You know even though I wanted to bolt another part of me wanted to run out and help you? I couldn't make up my mind, so I lay pressed against the wall, watching. I realized that you weren't human, or rather you were a different type of human. I also realized that I didn't care. I still cared for you, and I was going to have to grow up. I couldn't be a little girl anymore Kratos, I had to grow up as fast as I could. I realized that if I wanted to keep caring for you I'd have to do things most people wouldn't have to, I'd have to see more things then anyone else would have to, I knew at that point I could never be normal again. So I know that there is danger Kratos, I knew it the second I saw you come back all battered. I knew that I might die, God you might have to kill me yourself just to spare me greater pain. I knew then, I know now, and I live with it. But don't you ever ever use that as an excuse to separate us, ever! I can't be alone Kratos, I wouldn't make it, I don't have anywhere else but with you, but I thought I told you that already?"

"I wont take you to Derris Kharlan Anna, I can't."

"Then like before, find someplace else that you can get to real fast."

"Not the tunnels, Anna it was hard enough on you the first time..."

"I'll live."

"Damn it Anna, do not make me put you in danger."

"You didn't put me anywhere, I decided where I went, I decided to stay with you. Just think of yourself as putting me someplace a little safer, if I had my way me and Lloyd would be at your house."

"Our house damn it, it is ours, not mine."

"Well then, is it safe?"

"No, Mithos has easy access to it... Bloody abyss!" Kratos whirled away from them. Looked as if he was going to storm out of the clearing. "Give me a little time I will think of something safer."

"Then," She snapped steel in her tone. "we will discuss it, together."

He froze at that, then nodded.

"Yes, we will." He grimaced. "You have pinned me you know, I can not deny you now that you hold my heart in your hand."

"As you hold mine." She whispered, he jerked, his hearing was after all better then her's ever could be. "I'm sorry I hurt you Kratos."
"As am I, it was a stupid idea."

"Try to think straight, or come to me when you aren't thinking straight. If nothing else I can call Noishe on you and he can swat you into a tree."

"As if that would help me?"

"It might." She smiled. "You aren't alone Kratos, you have me and Lloyd, don't forget that."

"I wont."

"Good, now scoot, go do your sulking somewhere else, you're curdling my food."

"Scoot?" Kratos muttered to himself as he left the clearing, his mood hovering between insulted and humored. "Scoot?"

He sighed and did as ordered, sulking and scheming aplenty, and when he came back a few hours later he did something he had never done before. He told Anna everything, he lowered one of the curtains and brought forth a sliver of that darkness, and they talked and worried over it while Lloyd played with Noishe. For the first time in his life Kratos did not work alone, and he found great comfort in that.