Nicholas Bledsoe & Nicknack: You're both wrong. How could a stooge be the millipede! They are never apart. Besides, I have…other plans for them.

NefCanuck: Why yes, Rei as a leather fetishist does seem wrong. But it's my story and I get to do what I want.

Lunatic9000: Are you psychic! I congratulate you. If I could, I would give you a reward, but can't.

Asuka-chan in Wonderland: Advice from a Millipede

Asuka stared at the millipede. The millipede stared at Asuka. (Jump to five hours later…) Asuka stared at the millipede. The millipede stared at Asuka. Then, the millipede took the beer can out of her mouth and told Asuka in a drunken voice, "Woo ar 'hic' uuuu?"

Not exactly the ideal ice breaker. Asuka stared some more. "WHAT THE FRICKIN SHIT ARE YOU DOING HERE!"

"Waaa ar 'hic' u tolkin bout? 'hic'" Misato hiccupped some more and drank more beer. "Aaaa. Thash the stufsh."

Asuka glared at her in disgust. "Well excuse me, miss 'I'm so drunk I can't get off my lazy fat ass!'"

Misato immediately sobered. (Hey, this is a wonderland people!) "Hey, watch who you call fat, girlie!"

Asuka made a face. She was beginning to accept that this place was some sort of deranged mental institute la-la-land. No one seemed to recognize her. "So, why are you dressed in that crazy bug suit?"

Misato raised herself haughtily. "I am most certainly not crazy! I'm just a unique woman." She indignantly took a long swig of her beer. "And who are you? Normal humans aren't five centimeters tall. Are you some sort of dwarf?"

Asuka twitched. The veins on her forehead began to pop. The flames of hell rose in the background. Misato merely glanced at her coolly and advised, "Keep your temper."

By now, you should realize that Asuka isn't the sort to accept criticism with good sportsmanship. In fact, she accepts it with very bad sportsmanship. So bad, that not even a crazy psychotic killer would criticize her. So, it all looked very bleak for our favorite NERV major. But because I'm the insane writer, Misato is going to live…for now.

"Recite the poem 'You are old Commander Fuyutsuki.'"

Feeling a bit weird, Asuka found her mouth had a mind of its own. It began reciting:

"You are old, Commander Fuyutsuki, the First Child said
And your hair is an ugly gray,
Yet you always stand on your head
Don't others think it's a sight?

In my youth, Commander Fuyutsuki said to the pilot,
I feared it might damage my hair;
But now that it's all falling out anyways
I think it does not matter.

You are old, the Second Child said, as Rei mentioned before
And have grown quite skinny
But you do yoga in front of the door
What kind of fool does that?

In my youth, the vice-commander shook his balding head
I did national gymnastics
And using this magic potion, a hundred yen a box,
That tastes like rotten apples.

You are old, said the Third Child, and your teeth are brown
And you never brush them, day in and day out.
Yet you drink black coffee three times a day
Do you think your teeth will ever recover?

In my youth, the old dude said, I was a professor
And the height of fashion was coffee.
The obsession I have with it is so great
I drink it every hour.

You are old, said the Fourth Child, no one would think
That your eyes are so slanted.
But you juggled S2 engines with only your nose
How did you manage that?

I have listened to three children, and that's enough
The grizzled commander said
An angel's attacking, get in your EVA
Or I'll toss you out of NERV forever!

Asuka gaped. How did she know all that? She looked at Misato for answers, but found that instead of Misato, a giant chrysalis took the place of Misato-Millipede. Suddenly, it burst open and out popped, you guessed it, Misato-butterfly. (I don't know if millipedes develop into butterflies, but let's just pretend they do for the story's sake) "One side will make you fatter, and the other will make you uglier." The butterfly said.

"WHAT!" Asuka screamed, her shock forgotten.

"Just kidding." Misato grinned and gave a big wink. "One side will make you grow taller, and the other will make you shorter."

"OF WHAT!'" The red-head screamed.

"Mushroom, duh!" With that, the major disappeared into the blue sky, never to be seen again, we hope.

Shrugging, Asuka pulled off two pieces of the mushroom the millipede had inhabited. She bit one piece, and found herself shrinking. Quickly, she ate a chunk of the other piece. Cursing Misato to the depth of the seventh hell, Asuka realized something was very wrong. She looked down. The trees were only half of her height. Then, a head popped out of the treetops. "Hey! I'm trying to finish my notes on the MAGI!" Naoko Akagi yelled, waving a thick wad of paper. "AAAAAAH! It's an Angel!" With that, she fainted, and fell off her tree perch, plummeting to her sad, unlamented death. Asuka sweatdropped. She took a lick of the piece that will make her smaller, and shrunk herself to regular size. Walking around a bit, she found a large fancy house. Bored, she walked up to the door. The sign read, 'The House of the Duchess.'

To Be Continued…

Author's note: WHO IS THE DUCHESS! Feel free to send in your guesses! Give me your thoughts on this too. How was 'You are Old Commander Fuyutsuki?' The rhythm was a bit off. I have a piece I'm working on for my violin teacher, and he wants me to play it at 90 beats a minute. That is really slow! I was forced to turn on my metronome and listen to it for an hour. It's playing even as I type this. Very annoying. As for Naoko (Ritsuko's mommy), well, let's pretend dead people can come back to life in Wonderland. Kinda pointless though, as she dies a few seconds later. The caterpillar doesn't turn into a butterfly in the book, but did in the movie. Please R&R!