To all my reviewers (since I'm too lazy to thank you one by one), domo arigato! Please continue to read and review this little comedy. –silverlilies
Asuka-chan in Wonderland
Chapter 7: The Mad Tea Ceremony
In front of the house, a large vermillion rug was laid on the grass. Kensuke, the military nerd, had bunny ears on like Rei except they were brown sat on one end. He was clad in an elaborate hare suit, all covered with hair (fur, actually; pun intended) and had his legs tucked underneath him. Across him on the huge rug sat Toji, with a western style tuxedo on. He had a tall hat with cards glued around it. They were both drinking green tea and had bento boxes set in front of them. On the middle of the blanket was Hikari, and she was curled into a ball. Asuka immediately noticed something strange. The class president had a pair of mouse ears and whiskers.
"Hey! There's no room for you!" Kensuke-Hare shouted irritably, flapping his fake ears.
"Don't be stupid! Hot chicks don't fall out of the sky like rain you know! Join us! Let's have some fun!" Toji-Hatter cried. He looked kind of drunk (don't ask me how you get drunk off tea; my only defense is that nothing makes sense in this land).
Just as she was about to punch the guy's brains out, Hikari-Dormouse woke up. "YOU PERVERT!" She screamed as she socked Toji in the face. Kensuke just stared at him sadly and continued sipping his tea. Uncertainly, Asuka walked over and looked at what seemed to be her best friend. Hikari just glared. "Don't try to steal him from me!" She hissed, suddenly pulling Toji toward her. "My preciousssssssssss"
Feeling slightly nauseous, Asuka turned away. "Don't feel bad," Kensuke advised her. "That's just their way of showing their great love for one another."
Asuka sweat dropped. Lunatics, she thought frantically, they all belong in the loony bin!
"Would you like some yakitori?" Kensuke offered, ignoring Toji and Hikari, who were crying and hugging. Asuka was sure there was a sunset behind them. She turned her head back to Kensuke, sickened by the spectacle. "I don't see any yakitori." She pointed out.
"That's because there isn't any. We have domburi, gommaae, gyoza, korokke, nikujaga, tempura, and udon. Would you like some?" Kensuke said. His voice sounded remarkably like Pen-Pens.
"Don't offer something you don't have!" Asuka snapped, pissed, her rage starting to turn her face red. Huge veins were sticking out of her head. Kensuke's eye twitched. He could see hell's flames behind her.
"Tea?" he offered pathetically. "We have gyokuro, sencha, bancha, houjicha, and kocha."
It didn't work. Asuka was on a war path now. "WHAT THE F-CK! YOU IMBECILES! MATCHA IS USED DURING A TEA CEREMONY! NOT GYOKURO, NOT SENCHA, NOT BANCHA, NOT HOUJICHA, AND DEFINITELY NOT KOCHA. THAT'S NOT EVEN JAPANESE!"
As Asuka stopped to catch her breath, Hikari took her eyes of Toji (they were staring at each other like lovesick adoles- wait, they were lovesick adolescents. My bad) and stuffed the Second Child's mouth with yakitori.
"So that's where the yakitori went." Kensuke muttered to himself.
Asuka shot Hikari a glance that screamed 'traitor' and probably would have killed the poor girl if looks could kill. (If they could, I'm sure I'd be dead by now ;)
As it was, the dormouse/girl sat down and continued staring sappily into Toji's eyes. Swallowing the yakitori, which Asuka found to be surprisingly good, Toji suddenly spoke.
"Why is a crow like a drawing board?"
"Who cares!" Asuka whined, upset with Hikari's 'betrayal.'
"Fine, what time is it?" He tried.
"Who gives a F- - k!"
Kensuke took out a watch. "Hm, my watch died."
Hikari and Toji both jumped up. "Let's fix it!" They chorused.
Asuka winced. If they were pilot and EVA, their syncoration would be at 101 percent. (Had to write the percent out. The percent sign seems to get canceled when I upload something.)
She watched in horrid fascination as they pried the watch open. They lathered the contents of the bento boxes into the watch, and somehow it all fit. (For a cultural explanation on all the foods, it's at the end of the chapter) When the closed the watch, it went berserk and exploded, splattering Asuka with the mush of what was once food.
At that moment, Asuka didn't care that killing these freaks was going to send her to the devil's den. About to strangle them with her bare hands (an End of Evangelion reference, for those of you who've seen it), she was thwarted yet again.
Hikari sang a song like this:
"Twinkle Winkle little mat,
How I ponder where you're at
Up above the fools you fly
Like a yakitori in the sky
Twinkle Winkle—"
Here, she was cut off, as all her audience were about to fall asleep. "Well," She huffed, "If you don't have the wits to appreciate my song, then I'll tell a story." It went:
"Once upon another land, there lived three children.
The first was quiet and freaky (all part of her charm)
The second was loud and obnoxious (you can here Asuka's indignant 'hey!')
The third was whiny and spineless (agreed)
The fourth was dashing, handsome, gentle- "GET ON WITH IT!" Asuka yelled
The fifth was a smartass and kind
Then one day, a big bad monster came. They killed the monster and lived happily ever after. The end."
Everyone yawned. Asuka got up. It was time. Everyone suddenly backed away from her, frightened by her killer aura. "That was the last straw." She whispered.
The view zooms to the sky and we hear screams of pain and cries of 'uncle!'
Asuka walked away slowly, one of the bento boxes that remained tucked securely under her arm. She had a bubbly, cheerful air about her. She noticed that one of the trees had a door carved in it. Happily, she went through the door and returned to the hall of doors. She used her mushroom to shrink herself and managed to get into that pretty little garden. If anyone backtracked, they would find an incredible scene of carnage at the house of the March Hare and many groans of pain. Asuka had finally reached nirvana, as she meditated happily in the garden.
To Be Continued…
Cultural notes: yakitori: skewered grilled chicken with sauce
Gyokuro, sencha, bancha: common green tea made of dried tea leaves. Gyokuro is the highest quality, and bancha is the lowest.
Houjicha: common green tea made from roasted leaves (brown)
Kocha: English tea
Matcha: bitter green tea, made from tea leaf powder. Traditionally used in the tea ceremony
Domburi: bowl of cooked rice with toppings
Gommaae: side dish, usually with sesame and a vegetable
Gyoza: Chinese dish (I can make it!) of meat and other filling wrapped with dough and cooked
Korokke: croquettes
Nikujaga: meat and potatoes
Tempura: sea food and other stuff deep fried in tempura batter
Udon: thick noodles
This is all from my research for a technology project where I used a computer to create a menu. I made up a Japanese restaurant called Sakura Niwa (Cherry Blossom Garden) and made a menu for it. I still have the research typed up. Lol
Author's Note: Well, this chapter is definitely more cultural. My voice is heard less. Not a lot of graphic violence. Not my prob. Look carefully, this fic is a Humor/Parody fic, not a horror/action. Asuka is steadily becoming more OOC, but who gives? Next is the chapter you've all been waiting for, the QUEEN'S GOLF COURSE. What insanity will ensue? Find out next time, on ASUKA-CHAN IN WONDERLAND. Sorry, just had to capitalize that. Lol. R&R!