AUTHOR'S NOTE: After yet another long break without the updates I'm back at this story. I have no idea how many chapters this may go through, but 'it is not ours to question why. It is but us to do and die' or it goes something like that. Anyway back to the show.

Chapter 7: Who am I? Who can I be?

Spring 21

The last few days have passed in such a speed that I am left on a daze of emotions. I meant to write so many times in the last week, but I really have only time to express my emotions truly at night. I feel more alive under the moon and stars. I think that is because I can look up at the sky and know that, not far away, Jack is sleeping under the same blanket of black. Every time I slip in my bed and ready myself to write about the day, I start thinking about Jack, about how he spoke to me, how he looks, how he acts, everything about him. I think about him so much that I start to blush with girlish delight. Maybe that sounds a bit sappy, but how can I lie about how I really feel?

He's come in to see me everyday, Jack has. Is it really to see just me? I think so. He rarely looks over the books, but mostly he and I just start right into a conversation and sometimes he even brings me gifts like flowers from the mountains. It makes me so happy and my heart beats so fast. There are days that I have to keep myself from just leaping over the desk and throwing my arms around his body and telling him how I feel. But I can't. I just can't. Why should this be so hard? Its three little words: "I love you." Why can't I say that too him? I've tried so many times, but the words always stop dead in my throat. Every day I tell myself "Today is the day. Today I tell him." That's a laugh. I should know by now that I may never tell him. Sometimes I think that I may wait so long that he will find someone else. If he ever falls in love with another I don't know what I'd do. My heart would never recover from such a blow.

On the 18th the village holds it annual horse races. Riders from all over the country visit this little piece of land to ride. The small village can be a bit crowded with the staying riders and their families, but the business is good for us. The doctor gives check ups to make sure all riders are fit to race, the Inn hold the guests in their rooms, the general store sells them trinkets, and some of them even visit the church for a sermon. In fact even I get a few passers by to come in and look around. Maybe it all works out. However this year one of the racers hurt his arm and couldn't compete and guess who the mayor asked to take his place? Jack. He agreed at once. I saw him that day with his horse (which was now full grown) I told Jack that I was betting on him and that he should do his best. Normally I do not bet at these types of things, but I have full faith in Jack so I put a little money under his name. Looking at the stats sheet, Jack was the underdog. The number next to his name was 23. I bet that may have hurt his feelings.

The race was started after an hour or so. Jack was in the 6th gate. He looked so determined and I saw raw passion burning in his eyes. He looked so handsome. The starting shot was fired and in a flash everyone rushed out of the gate. Jack received and early start, but that was only short lived. The man in the 1st gate, Aaron something, closed in. The two fought neck in neck until the end. The track is not that long, but everything moved in slow motion. There was a cloud of dust after the race. I held my breath as the judges spoke over the winners. After what felt like forever, they spoke the winner. It was Aaron Right from Restful Farms. I felt hurt inside. I shouldn't have, I wasn't the one who lost, but I care so deeply for Jack that I think in some way, I share his pain. Later that day I saw him petting his horse on the nose, his back to me; I shyly came up behind him.

"I'm sorry you lost, Jack."

He turned around to look at me. I expected to see him quite sad, but he was smiling right at me. He beamed like a child.

"Thank you, but did you see how close it was? I may not have won, but I was so close. You know what that means? We have a chance for next year."

He turned slightly back to his horse as he said that.

"So then, you're not upset?"

"A little, I guess. But you learn more from losing then winning, right?"

I admired his inner strength; he was taking it so well. I respected in then, being about to take such a loss. I was so wrapped up in what I was thinking that I didn't even realize what I did next until it was over. I placed on hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek. He was sweating from the stress and the day's heat and the taste was a bit salty, but my insides fluttered none the less. He looked at me, blushing; a look of slight shock was on his face. Without a word, I left, half running, not believing what I have just done.

I didn't see Jack for over three days after that event. I feared that what I did was too forward. I feared many things like maybe he didn't like me that way or that I scared him off. I was thinking about going to his farm today to see him, but he came to me instead. He came into my library with his hands behind his back only a few minutes before I was closing. He was smiling right at me.

"Jack. It's been too long. What is that you're hiding?"

"A gift." He said with a sly smile

"For whom?" I asked.

"You. Think of it as a thank you."

I was sure it was for the kiss. He was thrilled with the kiss and wanted some way to return the favor. If he really wanted to do that he should have just gave some hit as to the extent of his affections for me.

"Mary, you had so much faith in me at the race and I wanted to win so badly for you. The mayor told me just how much money you put down for me."

"Jack I-"

"And it was far too much. I'm sorry I caused you to lose so much. You deserved something for compensation. So……I got you this."

He pulled the item out from his back and showed it to me. It was a box of chocolate, more then that, it was my favorite kind. I saw them on the shelf at the store and wanted them so badly, but I was broke from the races. And now here they were in front of me.

"Your mother said you loved these. Go on. Take them."

"Jack I couldn't."

"Please."

"Jack……thank you."

I took them from his hands.

"Mary? Are you alright? You look like your about to cry."

"No. I'm alright."

I was about to cry. The fact that Jack went to such pains for ME, the feeling was just wonderful. I had to wipe away tears from behind my glasses.

"Thank you. I'm sorry, but we're closing soon. Could you-"

"I understand. You're welcome."

Jack started to leave and paused at the door and spoke one more thing to me before stepping back into the outside world.

"And Mary, thank you; for everything."

I now sit in my bedroom, looking at myself in the mirror. I'm an average height for my age and I don't weight much at all. I suppose at that walking on the mountains keeps me in shape. My hair is black like my mothers and my eyes are an equal color. I know that black is a strange color for eyes, but if Popuri can have like cotton candy, then I can have eyes like midnight. Forever to be in front of my vision are my glasses. I wasn't always so blind. My vision started to go when I turned thirteen. I was taken to the clinic. The doctor said that my eyes were straining from all of the reading I have done over the years and they will most likely worsen over the years if I continue to bury myself in my stories. But asking me to stop reading is equal to asking a person to stop breathing. I must read, it's what I love.

As I stare at myself in the looking glass I wonder what any man could ever see in me. I don't think I'm much to look at, just a shy little girl with almost no breasts. The other girls have something wonderful going for all of them that I never could. Karen is so outgoing and strong, Popuri's smile could light up the darkest mood, Elli's cooking is to die for, and Ann's the most through cleaner this village will ever have. On top of that they are all beautiful, even from a woman's standpoint. So why to I try so hard to gain Jack's attention when I know he deserves so much better then I could ever hope to give? I suppose it's because my heart would allow anything else. My heart has caused me too much trouble as of yet. It's not just my feeling for Jack; it's also what I think I'm doing to Gray…………

-Mary-