The weeks went by. While Daniel hadn't been physically injured from his vision, it quickly became apparent he was haunted by whatever he had seen. He didn't want to talk about it. Samantha found it particularly frustrating. Daniel seemed determined to push her away. Well, she wasn't going to let him. She endured his shortness, his aloofness, his rudeness until he cut her a little slack… and then a little more, until they would stay up together and talk for hours about everything.
Everything except the details of his vision. He just said he had been corrupted by power, and done some pretty awful things in line with the Goa'uld mentality, but he didn't give her details, and he clammed up whenever she asked for them, so she let it go – for the time being.
So more weeks went by, and Daniel and Samantha became closer and closer until it was obvious to everyone but Daniel that there was something between them, something more then friendship. It frustrated Samantha that Daniel couldn't, or wouldn't see it. More then once she had contemplated making the first move, but she didn't want to scare him off. He obviously had some issues to deal with. He would make the move when he was ready.
In the meantime, Samantha quietly transferred out of SG-1. She didn't give her reasons, though it was obvious to everyone but Daniel she did it to stay two steps ahead of a court martial. She worked on making Daniel feel comfortable around her, comfortable enough to make the first move.
He never did. It became the running joke of the Stargate Command. Every week a rumour cropped up about two (seemingly random) people, the type you get in any workplace, and when and where they'd had sex. With Samantha and Daniel, it was just if and when they would ever kiss.
Samantha had no idea what the problem was. It couldn't be Sha're. While there would be some part of him that always mourned his wife, he was ready to move on, she knew that with all her heart. And it couldn't be that he wasn't aware of what she wanted – she had made that obvious in dozens of subtle and explicit ways. He seemed to be deliberately disregarding her signals. Why would he do such a thing?
Finally, when he was walking her to her car one day for a well-earned break at home, they were talking and laughing like great friends. She looked up at him and saw his blue eyes sparkling down at her, and leaned up to kiss him.
His instinct was to kiss her back. Oh, God she tasted so good. He had been thinking about kissing her since their mutual attraction had been obvious. Just thinking? Try obsessing. And it was exactly as he had expected, only better. In his thoughts, her lips hadn't been as soft, her mouth hadn't been as warm, the chemistry between them so electrifying…
An image flashed through his head of her body hanging from the balcony of the four-poster bed and he shuddered, pulling away from her involuntarily.
" Daniel? " Samantha asked, concern in her voice. " Danny, what's wrong? "
" Nothing, " he lied.
She put her hands on her hips. " Rubbish, " she said. " You kissed me back, and then you freaked out. You don't even have the excuse that you're not attracted to me, because I know you are. You wouldn't have kissed me otherwise. "
Daniel felt flushed. " I am attracted to you, " he admitted in a tone that said he would rectify the problem if he could. " But we can't do this. "
" Why not? " Samantha challenged.
" Because we can't. "
" Is this about the military thing? Because they can't do anything to me now, I'm not your superior officer. "
" It isn't about the military, " Daniel said honestly. " I can't explain it. "
" Is it about Sha're? "
" No. "
" Is it about Jack? "
" No. For crying out loud, Sam, I don't have to give you a reason! " Daniel yelled, drawing the attention of several people around them.
" Yes you do, " Samantha argued. " Goddamn you, Daniel Jackson, I've been sending you signals ever since you woke up from your visions. I don't know how to make it more obvious. And then you kissed me back, I know that you want me, you can't just say 'we can't do this'. We're already doing it, Daniel, we're just not sleeping together. "
The idea of sex with Samantha brought back memories that Daniel had been attempting, without much success, to repress. " Don't talk like that, Sam, " he ordered.
" Then kiss me. " She grinned mischievously.
" No. "
Defiantly, Samantha tilted her head back. God, she looked… so kissable. She was doing it deliberately, too. She was determined to break his resolve, determined to turn him on pass the point of what she assumed was his gentlemanly restraint. " You want me, don't you Daniel? " she asked in a low, throaty voice. " You want to kiss me, and you want to do more then that. " She pushed her body against his intimately. She licked her lips suggestively. Her fingers stroked his chest in a way meant to get him worked up.
She certainly knew what she was doing. She was determined to break Daniel's resolve. And it was working. He had vowed he would never touch Samantha as more then a friend, but she was making it difficult… very difficult… his breathing became laboured as he couldn't help but focus on those kissable lips…
" You want to take me to bed, " Samantha said brazenly. She knew by the way Daniel's body tensed up, by the look in his eyes that she was turning him on despite himself. She grinned triumphantly to herself. " Kiss me, Daniel, " she ordered.
Daniel's mouth came crashing down on hers. Samantha was surprised by the force of his kiss ; it was hungry, passionate. She had never been kissed like that before. She had never imagined being kissed like that before. She felt her knees start to buckle underneath her.
Daniel pinned her against her car and kissed her until the burning desire he felt for her gradually faded away, and he was left feeling shaky and remorseful over the intensity of his feelings. Needing her more then he wanted her away from him, he hugged her tightly. " Please don't make me do that again, " he begged in a choked voice.
Samantha gently pulled Daniel's head away from her neck and looked into his eyes. He was on the verge of tears – why? She couldn't fathom it. " It's OK, Danny, " she said. " I wanted you to do it. "
He reminded himself that this was real, this wasn't his vision, he wasn't about to act in the same way. " Let me go at my own pace, " he begged in a tone that made Samantha's heart wrench. " I don't want to be… violent… like that… with you. "
Samantha looked at him quizzically. He called that violent? She called it passion. But clearly he had some issues and if he wanted to take things slow – well, it was an improvement on just being friends. " OK, " she agreed. " I'd still like it if you kissed me. "
Daniel's kiss was sweet and light, gentle, as if he were afraid to break her. Samantha resisted the urge to heat things up.
" I liked that, " she said softly when he broke away. He was smiling at her. He had the warmest smile. He made her feel like she was the only woman in the universe. Of course she wouldn't push him.
" I like you, " Daniel replied, and he almost convinced himself that he wasn't the man who had violated Samantha. Oh, he knew that was a version of himself at had been corrupted by power but still –
It haunted him that he could be corrupted by power like that, that he could do that to Samantha. There wasn't a night that went by that he didn't relive the nightmare – that he didn't see Samantha's body hanging from the canopy, driven to suicide after what he'd done to her…
" Daniel? Are you OK? " Samantha asked. Her lips were smiling but her eyes full of concern as she looked up at the man she'd just convinced to kiss her. His eyes had become clouded over as he thought about something unpleasant.
Daniel smiled, but his smile didn't reach his eyes. " It's nothing, " he said. He could never tell Samantha what he was capable of doing to her. Desperately, he embraced her in a tight hug. " I don't deserve you, Sam, " he whispered hoarsely.
Samantha was shocked by the desperation in his voice. What had he ever done to make him think he didn't deserve her? She looked up at him, cupping his face in her hands. " I don't know what gave you that idea but you do, " she insisted. He responded by holding her tighter. " You do deserve me, Daniel Jackson, " she said again, hoping her conviction and sincerity would help drive away the clouds that haunted his mind.
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Three months passed, and Samantha was almost climbing the walls in frustration. Her relationship with Daniel was at a virtual standstill. They hadn't progressed beyond hugs, kisses and holding hands, for all Samantha's attempts. He seemed determined not to go past first base. If she didn't know him better, she'd think he was gay and call the whole thing off.
And it wasn't just his disinterest in sex. He was always distracted, like he was entirely there, and he treated her like she was made out of porcelain. She could kick his ass, for Christ's sakes, he should know she wasn't a china doll!
The truth was, Daniel was petrified of what he could do to Samantha. Of course he wanted to have sex with her, more then once he had woken up hot and sticky, something he hadn't done since he was a teenager, but he couldn't bring himself to make that move. For him, sex with Samantha equalled rape, and he couldn't go through with it. Every times things got a little too steamy he was reminded of her deal, violated body and he felt like the scum of the earth.
No, he couldn't go through with it. Better to wake up every other night hot and sticky then submit himself to the memories that came whenever he got too close to Samantha.
Finally, Samantha confided in Doctor Janet Fraiser. " I don't understand, " she said. " He's attracted to me, I know he is, but he's just… it's like he's not interested in taking things further. "
" You know Daniel, " Janet said, " he's pretty sensitive and he adores you. I'd say he just doesn't want to rush things. Better waiting too long then rushing things. "
Samantha gritted her teeth, thinking about how painfully slowly things were going between her and Daniel. No, not even slowly – they had ground to a halt, not moving beyond kisses and hand holding and making out that was pretty tame, even by Samantha's high school experiences. She was an adult now, with adult wants, and she wanted more from Daniel then kisses.
" It's not just that, " Samantha said. " He treats me like I'm a china doll or something. He knows I can kick his ass. It's like he's petrified of hurting me – but why? "
Janet shrugged. It did sound a little out of character for Daniel. He was by nature very sensitive, but what Samantha was describing seemed over the top even for him. " I don't know, " she admitted. " Maybe you could be a bit more aggressive. Men can be pretty thick, sometimes. "
" Except when it comes to sex, " Samantha pointed out.
Janet smirked, thinking of her ex-husband. " Don't be so sure, " she disagreed, and the two women laughed cospiritally at the male species.
So Samantha, with the same single-minded determination that had made her a Major in the airforce, set about getting Daniel into bed. And she vowed it would be so amazing that Daniel would be sorry he had taken so long to make the move himself. Samantha grinned wickedly, enjoying the challenge in the same way she enjoyed getting the better of Maybourne, only this was much more pleasurable then duelling with Maybourne. Samantha Carter could be very seductive when she wanted to be – damned near irresistible, or so an ex boyfriend had said.
A few days later, she and Daniel were in his quarters, making out. She loved his kisses, loved feeling his arms around her, but she wanted more. With practiced deliberation, she ground her abdomen against his, eliciting an involuntary groan as she stimulated his more sensitive areas. She smiled in triumph when she felt his manhood harden against her thigh.
Her triumph turned sour when Daniel repositioned himself so she couldn't do it again and kept kissing her as if nothing had happened. Samantha gritted her teeth, wanting to scream at Daniel's stubbornness. " Damnit, Daniel, " she growled in frustration. " If you were to rape me you'd show more enthusiasm then this. "
It was an inappropriate thing to say, she knew, and not a little bit crass, but she certainly hadn't expected him to react the way he did. He jumped off her, a look of absolute anguish in his eyes, and backed into the furthermost corner of the room, putting as much space between him and Samantha as he could without actually leaving. And if he'd been thinking, he would have left. His brain had turned to complete much, the only thing permeating his thoughts the memory of his vision. Samantha, obviously unintentionally, had brought it all home for him in one terrifying swoop.
Samantha, obviously, had no idea why Daniel had reacted as violently to her comment as he had. It hadn't been in the best of taste, of course, but he should have known she was joking. Of course she hadn't been suggesting he rape her. " Hey, I was only joking, " she said contritely. She walked towards him.
Daniel tried to back further into the wall, which he couldn't, but if he could have defied the laws of physics, he would have. To be close to Samantha right now – he wished the earth would open up and swallow him whole. He wished he was dead. He felt the familiar guilt and shame for what he'd done to her – even if she didn't know it – and wished he was dead rather then have Samantha look at him with concerned, loving eyes. He didn't deserve her love or concern. He deserved to be dead.
He flinched when Samantha touched him, cowering in front of her. " Go away, " he begged.
" No, " Samantha said firmly, trying to pull a clearly distraught Daniel into her arms. She was stronger then him, but he was determined to resist her. It cut her deeply that he didn't want to be anywhere near her. A minute ago, everything had been great, and now – " Daniel, what's wrong? " she asked. " You've been acting strange ever since you woke up from your vision. You're afraid to get close to me and you treat me like a china doll. You're distracted. Please, Danny, what's wrong? " she begged him to open up to her.
Daniel turned his head from Samantha, not wanting to face her searching eyes, afraid that she would see to the depths of his soul what he had done. " I can't tell you, " he said in a strangle whisper that broke Samantha's heart. He was tormented about something, something do bad he felt she wouldn't understand.
" Yes, you can, " she coaxed gently, turning his head and looking into his eyes so he could see how much she loved him, that she loved him so much that there was nothing he could tell her that would make her turn away from him.
Daniel squirmed under the penetration gaze of Samantha's eyes. " I can't, " he insisted brokenly, tears welling in his eyes.
" Why not? " Samantha demanded. She could see Daniel was close to breaking point, and she wanted to make him break so all his bottled feelings would burst out.
" BECAUSE I RAPED YOU! " Daniel screamed, his resistance breaking as his guilt overflowed his restraint. " In my vision… we were together… we started kissing… then you made me angry… I wanted to control you… so I raped you… every night… until you killed yourself… rather then live with me… " His voice became softer and more broken as he relived his nightmare to Samantha. He sobbed brokenly, his body shaking from the weight of his guilt as Samantha held him. He was too miserable, too broken to try and shake her off. " I hurt you… you begged me not to… begged me… til you couldn't take it anymore… " his voice trailed off as he recalled Samantha's dead body, and his cavalier attitude towards it.
Samantha listened as Daniel's unburdened his conscience, and she understood why he had been so haunted by his vision. She knew he loved her, and to know he was capable of that, even under the influence of Goa'uld technology – she held him tighter, wishing her love was enough to drive his demons away. " Oh, Danny, I'm so sorry, " she whispered. " It must be terrible for her. "
Daniel looked at her, his blue eyes full of tears, but incredulous at her support. " Why are you here? " he demanded, his voice clearly betraying he thought her a fool. " I just told you – "
" I heard, and I know that's not you, " Samantha interjected. " Danny, after all we've been through, don't you think I know you and what you're capable of? That was a different you – isn't that what Shifu wanted to prove? That the power of the Goa'uld can only corrupt? And after you learned that, you didn't want the power anymore. You made a choice not to embrace that side of you. That's what matters. "
His guilt making it difficult to believe Samantha's words, as much as he wanted to, Daniel tried to pull away from her. Samantha was stronger, and kept him against her, his head against her chest, her arms wrapped around him. Part of Daniel was comforted by the reminded that Samantha was stronger then him. It had been a blow to his ego in the past, when she had proven herself to be fitter, stronger, faster then him, but now it was a reminder that he wouldn't be able to overpower her by sheer strength. He needed the technology of the Goa'uld to do that. Gradually he quietened in Samantha's arms, crying silently, letting his guilt out.
Finally he said, " I don't deserve you. "
Samantha kissed the top of his head. " Yes you do, " she said. " You just have to get over your guilt to see it. Danny, you need to see someone about this. "
Daniel sniffled. " And tell them what? I raped my best friend is a vision about alien technology given to me by an alien-Abydonian halfbreed child? Hell, you guys didn't believe me about Marchello, why should anyone else? "
Samantha felt the twinge of guilt that she always did when she remembered the time they'd all thought Daniel had gone crazy, and had him locked up. Daniel had a point, there weren't many outlets for talking about the problems of working for an ultra-classified government project. " We have an on-site phycologist, " she reminded him. " And I want you to talk to me. "
Daniel lowered his gaze. " I can't, " he whispered. " You don't want to hear it, Sam. "
She hugged him. " Yes I do. I don't think you understand how much I love you. I want you to let me in, Danny, I don't care how ugly it is. "
Daniel sniffled. " You'll be sorry you said that, " he told her, but she thought his tone was a tiny bit more lighthearted. She hoped he understood that she loved him, and she was there for him, no matter what.
There was a long silence, then Daniel said, " Sam I need you to let me take things slow. "
So that's what he meant, Samantha thought. All these months she'd been trying to work out what guy in his right mind would turn down sex – that was it. She felt guilty for the time she'd baited him into kissing her in the carpark. She remembered the violence of his kiss, and shivered. She'd thought he was just being passionate. She knew her Daniel wasn't capable of the violence he described, but still… it must have been so gradual for him. It could have started with a violent, passionate kiss.
" We can go as slow as you want, " she reassured him. " If you just want to hold hands – if it kills me from frustration – we'll just hold hands. "
Daniel raised his head to kiss her lightly on the lips, an unspoken assurance that he wanted to do more then just hold hands – but not go all the way. " I love you, Danny, " she told him as she hugged him. " I love you more then I can say. "
" I love you too, " Daniel whispered, and he dared to hope things might yet turn out OK.
I'm not sure how to end this one, so any suggestions you guys have would be much appreciated! Otherwise, I might leave it as is.