Mario Made me Kill

John Lindsey

4-25-03

Yes, it is true; video games force teens to resort to violence in any and every situation... Usually such violence leads to insanely long killing sprees that don't end after said teens are thrown in jail for life: sometimes they do not even end when a teen is sentenced to death! I know many of you do not believe me though. In fact, back when I first started playing video games (1860) I would have thought the same thing. But my friends I have found out (through my own personal experiences) that video games do in-fact cause teens (like me) to violently assault friend and foe alike. I will now tell you my story, how Mario made me... kill!

It was a sunny afternoon, and I had just finished a long hard day of school. I was quite bored and, having no social life, knew that my time spent at home would be equally boring. So, I skipped down a cobblestone walkway and all the way to my local Bob's Video Game Emporium.

I opened its door and stared in awe at the rows and rows full of video games and video game accessories. I hadn't played too many games in the past, but I knew that they were a good way to blow some... time. I walked up to the cashier and stared at her seductively.

"Are you finding everything okay... Sir?" she asked.

"Well, I found you didn't I?" I whispered this... seductively, and then continued, "I think that you and I should make like video game characters and... reproduce."

"Security!" she screamed, and some goofy looking kid who was stocking the shelves came running over.

"Mr." he yelled in the manliest voice he could muster, "If you aren't buying anything, then get out!"

"What, I am buying something!" I yelled defensively.

I reached over to the nearest shelf and pulled down the first game I saw. That game was called Super Mario 64, and if I had known that such a game would turn me into a merciless killer, I would have bought two copies (one for my pet rock).

"Thank you..." said the goofy looking stocker, "Now I assume that you have a Nintendo 64 to play that on?"

"Of course I do... chum." I said as I stealthily slipped a Nintendo 64, an extra controller, some memory cards, a Gameshark, and a Pokemon action figure under my jacket. I figured that no shopkeeper would be clever enough to see me hide the soon to be stolen goods there.
"Good." He replied while scratching himself, "I wouldn't want to have to get... violent."

It struck me strange that this seemingly docile teenager, who most likely played many video games, would use the "V word" so freely. I hid my fear in a forced snicker and then went to pay for my game... I walked up to the cashier once more, purchased my game, and then casually walked out of the store. I hadn't gotten more than three paces in before I felt the weight of some person leap upon my back.

"You won't be stealing games from my store!" shouted my assailant (the cashier).

I tossed her aside, and then started running (violence didn't even seem like an option to me at the time).

"Stop thief!" the cashier yelled while running after me. The stocker joined her in her pursuit, and so did several ring wraiths. I continued sprinting down the cobblestone walkway, and decided it would be best to lose them in the forest.

I ran off of the pathway, and into the thicket! Why pursuers were gaining on me, so I used my last remaining invisibility potion. I did this, and "vanished" into thin air. My pursuers were taken aback by this feat, and realized that their efforts had been in vain.

"Mark my words thief... I will kill you with a method I learned from a little game called Tetris Attack if I find you! And, I will find you..." shouted the voice of the still goofy-looking stocker.

I nearly soiled myself in my fear, but I made it safely to my house none-the-less.

Part Two!

As I entered my cardboard house, I noticed that something was amiss... My 60" screen TV was missing, and I knew one of my neighboring hobo "friends" must have committed this detestable crime. I cried for a while, but soon got over it.

I really wanted to play my new game at this point, so I crawled in the window of a nearby house. No one seemed to be home, so I jumped on a bed for a while. After the novelty of this action wore off, I decided to try out my new game.

I crept over to the TV (I didn't want to startle it), and ever so gently inserted my... Nintendo 64 cord into its back. It took me nearly an hour to figure out how to turn the darn thing on, but I managed.

I stared in awe as the game screen loaded.

"It's a me, Mario!" said a voice as a strange, Italian, disembodied head appeared onscreen.

I giggled for several minutes (I do this often), and then started playing with the game controller. As I hit a series of buttons, I noticed that the disembodied head was being stretched and pulled at my whim. I was having a grand old time, for I had discovered the greatest game ever! It was in this moment of joy that, well, Mario... talked to me.

"Hello special one... It's a me, Mario!" he said ecstatically.

"You... already said that once Mr. Mario," I replied.

"So I have special one, so I have! Anyway... press the "secret" start button, and you fill get to play an even better part of the game."

I didn't believe the floating head, but I went ahead and pressed start anyway. What happened in the next couple of hours is now just a blur of happiness to me. At first, I was quite frightened by the fact that I was making this onscreen character brutally assault innocent young animals. I cried in horror the first couple of times I smashed a goomba, but Mario urged me to keep playing, and soon... I enjoyed this violence.

I would have kept on playing until I died of malnourishment, but I heard someone open the front door... I faintly recalled that this was not my house, but that didn't seem to matter at the moment. I knew that whoever had just entered, wanted to take my Mario away from me. I turned to faced the TV screen, and saw the disembodied Mario once again...

"Special one?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied dutifully.

"You realize that our nemesis Bowser has just entered our house, don't you?" Mario asked.

"Bowser?" I replied, "What shall I do with this Bowser, Mario?"

"You must... kill him! Just like you did the goombas and the goofy-looking turtle creatures!"

"But Mario, I'm not a murderer!"

"Oh, well you will be shortly," he said violently, "What Mario says goes, or I won't give you anymore mushrooms!"

"No, not that!" I screamed.

I then bolted into the next room where an extremely old man and women were standing. They were startled to see such a fine young man in their house, and ran towards a nearby telephone.

"No Special One, they're calling the cops! You must stop them... Grab their tails, swing them in circles, and then throw them into the kitchen trash compactor!" yelled Mario's voice from the other room.
I did as the voice requested, but could only manage to handle one fogie at a time. The other (the old man) managed to dial in 911 before I tossed him to his death, Mario style.

Part Three

I knew that the police would show up shortly, but I had to get in a little more Mario 64 playing time before I ran away. I went back into the other room, and saw Mario smiling at me fiendishly on-screen.

"Congratulations Special One, you have just assaulted your first old couple! But, the real old couple await in another castle..." he proclaimed.

"I don't get it, what do you mean?" I replied while scratching my head.

"It is not important right now... The cops will be arriving shortly, and we must escape from this place."

"But if I run away, how are you supposed to come with me? You are just a floating head on a television screen!" I shouted.

"I'll just have to come to you in my "physical" form. Now quick, go into the bathroom and help me out of the toilet... Sometimes I get stuck while traveling through the plumbing. I am rather large you know; too much pasta," said Mario, before laughing joyfully.

I heard a gurgled laugh coming from down the hall, and I assumed this was the entrapped Mario. I ran towards the sound and ended up in a rather luxurious bathroom. It was at this time that I realized that I really needed to... relieve myself. I ran to the toilet to "do my business," but then remembered the whole Mario thing.

Sure enough, I saw a pair of legs sticking out of the toilet bowl. I kind of wondered how he traveled through pipes backwards, but I decided to forget about that for now and save him.

I grabbed onto one of his legs, and pulled with all of my might! I eventually got him dislodged from his death trap, and anxiously awaited for his wise instruction.

"It's a me, Mario!" he shouted in his usual jolly way.

"Let's see..." I replied, "That is the third time you've said that."

"So it is..." he said, "But that is not as important as our mission at hand. You see the princess has kidnapped my pal Luigi; that's why he hasn't accompanied me in any adventures as of late. Well, he did escape her vile clutches long enough to get lost in some mansion, put Peach re-caught him soon enough."
"What is this gibberish you speak? Princess Peach is a "good guy," and would never kidnap your brother for her weird sexual fantasies!" I yelled loudly.

"Momamia! I didn't say anything about 'sexual fantasies...'"

"Oh..."

"Get your mind out of the gutter! Though the reason behind her madness is not really your business, I will tell it to you anyway so that I can waste some time, and we can have a dramatic 'escape from the cops' scene..." Mario said this, and then ran to the kitchen where he began making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for our "trip."

"Anyway..." he continued, "If you had played the game Super Mario 2 then you would know that Luigi is the highest jumper of all of us heroes, while Peach just floats the furthest. She was always jealous of his abilities, and frequently told us how much further she could float if she could jump high as well.

And, she has figured out a way to make this possible! She plans to amputate poor Luigi's legs, and then replace hers with them. I have tried to talk to her via messenger pigeons: to try and convince her how much better robotic spring legs would be for her task, but I just can't convince her... She says such legs would be way too costly!"

"This is astounding and all, but why do you need me to help you on this mission?" I asked.

part four

"I need you because..."

Mario was cut of by the sound of police sirens. A voice then came booming in from some police officer's megaphone.

"Surrender fiend! For we have this whole house surrounded."

"Never coppers! I have the Mario as my ally, and I shall defeateth you!" I shouted out a nearby window.

I heard a gunshot, and had to dodge some bullets matrix style before I was safely back within the depths of the house.

"Release the kittens!" shouted the "copper" as several of his lackeys (police officers) procured some cages and opened them up.

Many kittens leapt out and began a savage attack upon the house...

"No! The door is keeping them at bay, somebody go open it!" shouted the commanding officer as he stifled a sob.

"No, please, not the door," one cop yelled, "Why can't the cats just climb up the walls and into that open window?"

"Because... I had them de-clawed." the commanding officer proclaimed.

"And... How exactly are they supposed to dismember the perpetrator without their claws?"

"I hadn't thought of that..." the commanding officer replied as he pulled out a tear gas canister from who knows where, "We'll just have to do this the old fashioned way!"

He threw the canister at the still closed door, and was shocked to see it bounce right back.

"Ahh, why? You should have just thrown it in the window!" gasped one of the cops as he began to choke on deadly tear gas.

I was watching this display from the window, when Mario grabbed me by the arm.

"Special One..! Don't you realize that this is the best time for us to run? Let's go!" He pulled me out of the front door, past the kittens and cops (which were now attacking each other in their confusion), and down the street where we jumped into someone's car (it was unlocked...).

Mario hotwired it with his plumber splendor, and we sped down the road to apparent safety.

Part five

We didn't make it very far before we smashed into a tree (plumbers can't drive), and Mario was badly injured. Fortunately for both of us, he had a spare "super mushroom" which he brought to his mouth with his few remaining fingers...

He was instantly healed, and did a wild jig to show his infinite pleasure. He spun in a circle, and threw up a peace sign followed by a classy "west syiide" sign.

It was in this moment of triumph that I was attacked from behind from some one I couldn't quite see in the darkness. This assailant had a video game controller, and was mercilessly strangling me with it...

"Die... thief!"

He shouted, and I immediately knew it was the stocker from the game store I had visited earlier. I tossed him aside with relative ease, and then noticed that he has bleeding profusely.

"What... happened to you?" I asked with pretend concern.
"The... The Ring Wraiths turned on me. But no matter, I got the best of them," he shouted as he held up the severed ear of what was obviously a Ring Wraith.

"Gasp!" I said.

"Um... I thought 'gasp' was a sound effect, why are you actually saying it?" the stocker asked inquisitively.

I aimed a kick for his spleen and sent him crashing through several deer. He slowly got up, and it was then that he took notice of Mario (who was still dancing around like a moron).

"It'sa him, Mario!" the stocker said.

"Itsa me, Mario!" replied the jolly plumber, while he added a few steps to his jig.

I aimed a kick for his spleen and sent him crashing through several deer.

He glared as though he wanted to impale me with his mustache, but then reverted back to his jolly plumber self.

"Twas a good kick special one... You are going to need skiyyals like that if you want to defeat Bowser. Now practice more of them on this stocker!"

"Um... Did you just say 'skiyyals' Mario? Since when did you become a gangsta?" I asked.

"I... um... well. Just be quiet and maim this freaking stocker!"

I looked into the stocker's beady eyes, but before I could "finish him," he kicked me hard, in the spleen. I was knocked backwards and crashed through many deer.

One deer looked past me and proclaimed, "Fellow deer of Shrubbery Infested Forest! We must amass and kill these humans who keep crashing through us!"

The three deer that were still alive in the forest made a beeline towards the shopkeeper, and ate him...

While they were eating, Mario and I slipped off to apparent safety.

Part 6

But we were mistaken, for the area ahead was very "unsafe."

There was a sort of obstacle course set up in the forest, and it looked quite formidable. There were many strange forest creatures running around (none of them were deer), and they were definitely rabid.

"It looksa like we're going to have to go through this obstacle course if we want to make it to Princess Peach's hideout," boasted Mario, "The princess must have taken a page from The Book of Bowser and built this deathtrap infested labyrinth!"

"But… Can't we just go around the obstacle course?" I asked.

Mario was stunned by this simple question, and scratched his head as he contemplated this enigma.

"I… guess we could just go around it!" exclaimed Mario, "I wish I had known of this method in the past though, it would have saved me a lot of trouble all those times I had to rescue the princess…"

Mario sprinted off into the forest far away the death traps and bottomless chasms of the "obstacle course," and I followed him.

I could hear the anguished cries of the creatures we had just avoided… They knew their lives were now meaningless. The cries stopped after a while, and I assumed the creatures jumped into some lava pits or something… There were definitely lava pits in that "labyrinth."

Mario and I made a great team… We frolicked through that forest and soon forgot about all of our troubles. We built tree houses and the like in our youthful vigor, and just enjoyed life.

But unfortunately, all good things must end. Mario and I had spent so much time "frolicking" that we forgot all about saving poor Luigi…

And one day, by chance, we happened upon Princess Peach's castle. We decided to let ourselves in and see what ol' Peach was up to. The pastels used in the castle furnishings were simply smashing, and Mario ate a doughnut.

It was then that Princess Peach, with Bowser by her side, entered the room we were in. She had Luigi's legs on and looked like she could jump a mile high.

Mario and I commented on how great she looked, which had to have made Bowser uncomfortable. You see, they were a couple now, and several of their ugly looking reptile-human hybrid children ran into the room. They played around for a while, but I got annoyed and stepped on them all.

"Oh look Pineapple…" commented Bowser, "Another one of our guests has trampled upon our children."

"My name is Peach… How many times do I have to tell you that?" said the Princess while sighing lovingly.
"Of course you're right… You're always right." Replied Bowser, and he began to cry.

Mario ran over to comfort him, and the princess gazed at them with a tear of joy in her eye. Two mortal enemies had become friends, and this was a moment to be cherished by all.

Just then, I had an epiphany. I turned to Peach and said "Say, where's that old chap Toad? Mario says Toad was always a swift runner, and I never got to know him.

"Oh, he's our servant now! I'll summon him in," said Peach as she rang the servant bell.

Toad came rushing in as fast as can be, and there was the whole gang, all in the same room. I knew that if I killed them all, that I could replace my legs with Luigi's legs (so I could jump as high as the Princess most assuredly can with them), my hat with Bowser's turtle shell (so that my head would be protected from falling rocks next time I went hiking), my stomach with Mario's Stomach (so that I could eat lots of pasta and koopa troopas), my third leg with Toad's third leg (his has to be faster), and last but not least my brain with the brain of the master strategist Princess Peach!

"Who built that obstacle course?" I yelled and pointed at the wall behind Mario and the others.

Every single one of them looked, and I was able to destroy them with my "flailing arm" attack before they even realized what was happening. I used all of their parts just exactly how I mentioned above, though I ended up discarding Peach's brain. If she was dumb enough to fall for the old "look over there" trick, I didn't want her intelligence.

So that my friends is how Mario made me kill so many people. Honestly, it's all his fault. And I'll kill again too… There are so many other Mario game characters who's powers I need. The piranha plant is next on my list.

I love you all.

Fin