(Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans. No, really.)
-CHAPTER FOUR: PHAT RIDE-
"Aaauugh! Bored! So bored!"
Evelyn had already had enough mindless daytime TV to last a lifetime, and it had only been four days since she had come into existence. Drinking sugary soft drinks and teasing Beast Boy were still good, but they had run out of Mountain Dew just that morning, and Beast Boy was becoming more and more difficult to corner—she had jumped on his back and demanded a piggyback ride earlier, but he had just screamed, morphed into a cheetah, and darted out from under her, dumping her unceremoniously onto the floor. Evelyn had caught Raven stifling a laugh at that turn of events, and had gone to sulk in front of the TV. That was only two hours ago, and she had already gotten tired of yelling at the people on the screen who wanted to "talk to Frank one last time".
"No! He's a phony! A fake! A charlatan! Not a real medium! But I can help you talk to Frank for as long as you want! Stabbity, stabbity!" Evelyn yelled, but her heart wasn't really in it. She needed something else to focus her attention on, and fortunately for her, Robin entered the room just as she was casting about for something to do.
Evelyn hung her head upside-down over the back of the sofa, watching Robin as he got himself a bottle of water out of the fridge. He was sweating, and had obviously just been working out, or training, or something. He was ignoring her, so Evelyn decided to get his attention.
"Hey, Roooooobiiiiiiin!" she yelled, still hanging her head upside-down. She heard Robin sigh from the kitchen.
"Yes, Evelyn, what is it?" he asked.
"There's nothing to doooooooo," Evelyn whined.
"That's funny. I manage to keep myself busy somehow," Robin said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Evelyn snorted.
"Oh, yeah, sure, but you have Starfire to schtupp. I can't even get Beast Boy to give me a piggyback ride," she said. Robin stared at her thoughtfully for a moment.
"I'm going to pretend I didn't just hear that," he said, finally, and turned to leave.
"Craaaaaaap!" Evelyn yelled, frustrated. Robin stopped in the doorway.
"You know, if you want something to do, you'll have to go find something to do. There's plenty to do if you just look," he said, and then stepped out into the hallway, letting the door hiss shut behind him. Evelyn stared at the ceiling and frowned thoughtfully.
"Go look for something to do, eh?" she mused aloud. "Hmmmm…"
Suddenly, inspiration struck her. She jolted to her feet and struck a heroic pose.
"Aha! I have it!" Evelyn shouted. "I shall go once again to the mall!"
OOO
"Hey, Beast Boy, do you want to go to the…"
"AAAAAAUUUGGH! She's come for me!" Beast Boy screamed, and ran down the hall, skidding around a corner and narrowly missing a collision with a ficus plant.
"Crap."
OOO
"Hey, Starfire, do you want to go to the mall?" Evelyn asked, standing at the threshold to the alien girl's absurdly pink room.
"Oh, I am most sorry, Acquaintance Evelyn, but right now Robin is teaching me some of the do of ju, so as to improve my effectiveness in battle," Starfire said, pointing over her shoulder at where Robin was sitting on her bed. He was trying to ignore the pile of stuffed animals that all seemed to be staring at him.
"What? Why would you do that in your bedroom instead of the training room?" Evelyn asked in confusion. "Wait a minute…"
Her eyes widened as a realization struck her, and she pointed an accusing finger at Robin.
"Aha! I knew it! Schtupping!" Evelyn yelled, and then she ran off down the hall.
When she had gone, Starfire turned to Robin, her curiosity evident on her face.
"Friend Robin, what is this 'schtupping' of which Acquaintance Evelyn spoke?" she asked. Robin sighed.
"You really don't want to know, Starfire. Trust me," he said.
OOO
"Hey, Raven, are you in there?" Evelyn asked as she knocked on Raven's door. Raven opened the door a crack and glared at her evil double.
"What do you want?" she growled. Evelyn opened her mouth to ask her if she wanted to go to the mall with her, but paused and thought for a second.
"Wait, what am I doing?" she said to herself. Raven cocked an eyebrow at her.
"Ahh, never mind. It was nothing," Evelyn said. Raven closed her door without another word.
Phew, that was close, Evelyn thought. What the hell was I thinking? Asking Raven to go to the mall with me? Am I crazy? Well, more than normal, I mean. Meh, whatever.
OOO
"Hey, Cyborg, will you drive me to the…"
"No. I'm busy."
"Dammit!" Evelyn yelled as Cyborg closed his door in her face. "Now how the hell am I supposed to get to the freakin' mall?"
Evelyn wandered the halls of Titans Tower, sulking.
Stupid Titans, not wanting to take me to the mall, she thought. I really wanted to get some CDs. The music selection in this big dumb T sucks. I even managed to hang on to one of the Titans' credit cards from last time we were at the mall, too.
Evelyn's reverie was rudely interrupted when she found herself out of hallway to wander, having walked down a dead end. She looked at the door that stood at the end of the hall—it was labelled "Garage".
Hmmmm…the garage, eh? Let's see…garage equals vehicles, vehicles equals T-Car, and T-Car equals…mall! Sweet!
Evelyn grinned widely and stepped up to the door, expecting it to open automatically like most of the other doors in the tower, but it did not. She frowned.
"Come on, you stupid door! Open!" she said. Several small lights blinked on a panel mounted next to the door.
"Voice code identification required for entry," said a computerized voice.
"Uhh…Raven?" Evelyn said.
"Analysing. Match. Voice code accepted. Have a nice day," said the voice, and the door hissed open.
Evelyn gleefully entered the garage, thanking heaven, hell, and whoever else might be listening that her voice was exactly the same as Raven's, and headed straight for the T-Car.
"Okay, that's phase one over with," she muttered to herself. "Now, I just have to hope that the tin man left the keys in the ignition and…aha!"
Cyborg had indeed left the keys in the ignition. Evelyn grinned evilly.
"Oh, baby! Mall, here I come!" she said, hopping into the T-Car and turning the key. The engine rumbled to life, and Evelyn giggled maniacally in anticipation.
"Awesome! Now, which one is the gas pedal?"
OOO
After a few false starts, Evelyn eventually got the hang of driving. She wasn't all that great at following the rules of the road, but then her only experience with driving had come as a passenger of Cyborg's, so that might be excused. Of course, being the incarnation of Raven's dark side, it was highly unlikely that Evelyn would have bothered obeying traffic laws even if she was aware of their existence, but never mind that for now. Three run red lights, two trips down one-way streets going the wrong way, and five near misses with other cars later, Evelyn found herself at the mall.
Ahh, glorious, glorious capitalism! she thought, standing triumphantly in the food court holding her "acquired" credit card to her chest like it was some kind of magic talisman. What beautiful music we can make! And speaking of music…
Evelyn skipped into the nearby HMV, drawing stares from several bystanders, but she ignored them and immediately began searching for the CDs she had come for.
Right, so that's Kasabian, Hot Fuss by the Killers, Brothers and Sisters Are You Ready by Big Sugar, Elephant by the White Stripes, Songs for the Deaf by Queens of the Stone Age, the Clash's Greatest Hits—anything else? Evelyn thought, grabbing each CD in turn. Ooooh, the Whipped soundtrack…that gives me an idea…
Having found what she was looking for, Evelyn made her way to the checkout. A rather preppy looking blonde was working the cash.
"Hi, did you, like, find everything you were looking for?" the cashier asked.
"Actually, no," Evelyn said.
"Oh, well, can I, like, help you find something?"
"Sure. I'm looking for the Fountain of Youth, the meaning of life, a round square, Pegasus, the Arc of the Covenant, and William Shatner's dignity," Evelyn said. "I'd also like some candy and a balloon, preferably helium." The cashier just gawked.
"It doesn't matter what colour the balloon is, if that makes things any easier," Evelyn added.
"Um…I don't think we have any of those things in stock…" the confused girl said. Evelyn shrugged.
"Well, then I guess I'll just go with these CDs, then," she said, brandishing the credit card.
"Oh. Okay," the cashier said, and did her best to get Evelyn out of the store as quickly as possible.
OOO
Aside from the CDs, Evelyn actually had relatively little in mind to do at the mall. Apparently she had inherited Raven's views on buying superfluous outfits, if not her particular taste in fashion, for she had decided that she didn't need any more clothes. Besides, her money, or rather the Titans' money, was much better spent on three cases of Mountain Dew, a five-pound bag of Peeps ("Always in season!"), and the largest bunch of helium balloons she could find. Between the sugar, loud music, and helium-induced falsetto, Evelyn was having the time of her life—driving over a hundred miles an hour in crowded downtown Jump City traffic was only icing on the cake. She giggled like a maniac and sang along to the music in her high-pitched helium voice.
"We get some rules to follow, that and this, these and those…no one knows! We get these pills to swallow, how they stick in your throat…tastes like gold! Oh, what you do to me, no one knows!"
Suddenly, in the rear-view mirror Evelyn saw a flash of blue and red lights.
"Crap! It's the fuzz!" she cried. "Okay, Evelyn, stay calm—remember what Cyborg said when we went to the mall before. I'll just say I'm on my way to beat up some villain or something. That's the ticket!"
Evelyn pulled over to the side of the road, and the cop got out of his cruiser and made his way up to look through Evelyn's window. Evelyn rolled it down and tried to grin disarmingly. The officer looked startled for a moment that he was dealing with a purple-haired teenaged girl with four glowing red eyes, but he quickly adapted to this strange situation—he was a Jump City boy, and being able to deal with the odd and unexpected was one of the side benefits to growing up there.
"Excuse me, miss, but do you have any idea how fast you were driving back there?" the cop said.
"Pardon?" Evelyn asked.
"I said do you have any idea how fast you were…could you please turn the music down?" the cop said, struggling to be heard over Evelyn's music, which was still set to "Eardrums Bleed Now" volume. Call Cyborg what you will, but he was certainly honest when it came to labelling his creations.
"What?" Evelyn asked. "Hang on, I'll turn down the music!" The cop sighed and continued once the music was brought down to a reasonable level. (Incidentally, this setting was labelled "Turn It Up, Wussy!")
"I was asking you if you have any idea how fast you were driving back there," he said.
"It's okay, officer, I'm a Teen Titan, on my way to apprehend a supervillain," Evelyn replied. Her last shot of helium hadn't quite worn off, though, and the slight falsetto edge to her voice kind of put a damper on the dramatic effect she was trying to create. The cop cocked an eyebrow at her.
"Uh huh," he said, glancing over the cases of Mountain Dew, the huge bag of candy, and the brightly coloured balloons that filled the T-Car. "Well, this certainly looks like the Titans' car, but frankly I'm having doubts about you."
"Are you suggesting that I stole this car?"
"Did you?"
Evelyn glared at the police officer for a moment, then grabbed one of the many balloons, untied the end, and sucked back a good dose of helium.
"You can't arrest me, officer!" she cried, her helium voice back in full effect. "I represent the lollipop guild!"
"Please step out of the car, miss," the cop said.
"I smell bacon, I smell pork, run, run piggy, I have a fork!"
The cop backed a few feet away from Evelyn's window and pulled his gun.
"Miss, please step out of the car, now!" he shouted.
"You'll never take me alive, copper! Aahahahahahaaaa!" Evelyn shouted back, and slammed her foot down onto the pedal.
The only problem was that it was the brake pedal.
Evelyn looked down at her foot in confusion, then turned back to the cop and laughed nervously.
"Heh, heh. Just give me a minute here," she said, then turned her attention back to her feet. "I could have sworn that I had this figured out…okay, so the skinny one is the gas…"
She slammed her foot down onto the correct pedal this time, and sped off, laughing like a maniac and leaving one very bemused police officer behind. He walked back to his cruiser and got on the radio.
"Dispatch, this is car twenty-three. I think I'll be needing back-up," he said, then added: "Oh, and you might want to tell the Titans that somebody's stolen their ride."
OOO
"One, take control of me, you're messin' with the enemy, said it's two, it's another trick, messin' with my mind I wake up, chase down an empty street, blindly snap the broken beats, said it's gone with the dirty trick, it's taken all these days to find you, aah ah-ah-ah ah aah! I tell you I want you! Aah ah-ah-ah ah aah! I tell you I need you!"
Evelyn was singing along to her music again. The situation was a little different than before, however, because now she had nearly a dozen police cars chasing after her. Under the skilful direction of Cyborg, the T-Car would have easily been able to outrun and outmanoeuvre even twice that many police cars, but Evelyn was barely even a novice driver, and she quickly found herself boxed in by white and blue police cruisers. When the one in front of her put on its brakes, Evelyn was forced to slow down as well—this was not because of anything to do with some sense of civic duty, as Evelyn didn't actually have one, but rather it was her survival instincts that wished to avoid a collision. Civic duty or not, broken bones are broken bones, she reasoned, especially when they were her bones that were broken. Eventually she was at a complete stop, and police officers surrounded the T-Car with their guns drawn.
"Wait! Don't hurt my baby!"
The cops looked up to see Cyborg, carried by Starfire, arrive on the scene, followed closely by Robin on his R-Cycle and finally Raven, materializing from inside her glowing black astral form.
"Wait, the girl in there is your daughter?" one of the cops, a lieutenant, asked.
"What? No, man, I mean the car," Cyborg said. "Do whatever you want to the little bitch inside."
"Hey! I heard that!" Evelyn yelled.
"Oh, you are so dead when I get my hands on you!" Cyborg yelled back, shaking his fist.
"You mean if you get your hands on me! Eat my dust!" Evelyn shouted, and pressed down the gas—her survival instincts were now much more preoccupied with avoiding being caught by the Titans, so it wasn't worrying about smashing into police cruisers any more. Nothing happened, though, and Evelyn stared at her feet as she had done several times in the last few hours.
What? The skinny one is the gas, right? she thought. Then why isn't this thing…
She paused and looked around. The frame of the car was coated in an inky darkness, and Evelyn turned to see Raven standing a few feet away, her eyes glowing white.
"Get. Out. Of. The. Car," she growled through clenched teeth. "Now."
Evelyn gulped nervously, knowing she was caught. She opened the car door and swung her legs out, resting her feet on the pavement.
"Okay, you caught me," Evelyn said. "But how are you guys going to deal with…a hostage situation!"
She reached behind her and grabbed one of the many yellow marshmallow chicks from the immense bag sitting in the passenger seat. She held it up for everyone to see, and then held her other hand like a gun, placing her extended index finger at the unfortunate fake bird's temple.
"Everyone back off, or Mr. Peeps here gets it!" Evelyn shrieked—everyone present stared at her in disbelief. "I'll do it, I swear! Get me three million dollars, a chopper, and a large pepperoni pizza, now! Meet my demands or I'll execute one Peep every half hour, on the half hour!"
As Evelyn continued her tirade ("How many innocent marshmallows will it take, huh?"), she didn't notice that the Peep she was holding began to glow black until it was forcibly jerked out of her hand.
"Hey! What the…" Evelyn said, and stared at the small marshmallow bird as it floated in mid-air in front of her. "Uhhh…"
Suddenly, the yellow marshmallow was propelled through the air faster than the human eye could follow. It bounced off of Evelyn's forehead with a dull 'fwap', snapping her head back with the force of the impact and leaving a vaguely bird-shaped mark.
"Ow! Hey!" Evelyn whined. "Raven! I know that was you!"
Raven smirked, then encased Evelyn in a field of black energy and lifted her into the air.
"Cyborg, the T-Car's all yours. I'll take her back to the tower," Raven said, and flew off with Evelyn in tow.
"Hey! At least let me take a Mountain Dew for the trip!" Evelyn shouted, but nobody was listening, especially not Raven.
OOO
"Is she totally insane?" Beast Boy cried. The Titans were holding an impromptu meeting to discuss what they were going to do with Evelyn, who had been locked in her room ever since their return to the tower.
"Gee, Beast Boy, let's see," Raven said, sarcasm noticeable even in her near perfect monotone. "She stole the T-Car to go to the mall and buy, amongst other things, silly little marshmallow birds. She then led the police on a sugar-crazed car chase, ending with her attempting to take one of the aforementioned marshmallow birds hostage. No, Beast Boy, she's perfectly sane."
"Oh," said Beast Boy, scratching his head. "'Cause, you know, she seems kind of crazy to…"
Raven interrupted him with a smack on the head.
"That was sarcasm, you dolt," she said. Robin sighed.
"Look, you guys can bicker all you want later," he said. "For now, we need to figure out what we're going to do with Evelyn."
"I say we stuff her in one of the holding cells and throw away the key!" Cyborg said. "She stole my baby, and now she must pay!"
"I am unsure that that is the proper course of action," Starfire said hesitantly. "The only reason she was able to get to the T-Car at all was because we had forgotten to change Friend Raven's access code to enter the garage. Besides, the T-Car is undamaged, correct?"
"Star's right. It was an oversight on our part, and nothing much came of it," Robin said. "Not to mention that none of this would have happened if I hadn't told her to go look for something to do. She probably would have just spent the entire day bored in front of the TV otherwise."
"You can't be serious!" Cyborg cried. "You mean you're not going to punish her at all?"
"No, no, she will be punished, just not locked up in a holding cell," Robin said. "I think a week locked just in her room should be enough."
"Wait, wait," Beast Boy said. "You're going to ground her? What are you, her dad?"
"No, but she did break the rules, and as team leader it's kind of my responsibility to enforce those rules," Robin replied.
"It sounds like you've decided already," Raven said, and she turned to leave.
"You don't agree with my decision," Robin said. It wasn't a question. Raven sighed.
"Locking her in her room won't keep her out of trouble," she said. "She'll find some way out, or at the very least some way to cause problems without even leaving her room."
"Well, then we'll just have to add more time to her punishment if she does," Robin said.
"If you say so," Raven said with a shrug, and left to go back to her room. Robin stared after her, and ran a hand over his face, then turned back to the others.
"Okay, I'll go tell her what the deal is," he said. "We'll take turns bringing her meals and so on—we aren't going to let her starve or anything."
"Awww…" Cyborg complained, but he seemed to accept the decision.
The Titans went their separate ways, and Robin headed towards Evelyn's room. He opened the door, and saw Evelyn lying spread-eagled on her bed. She turned her head a little to look at him, but said nothing.
"Okay, Evelyn, you're going to be confined to your room for a week," Robin said, trying to be as matter-of-fact as possible. "We'll be bringing you your meals and so on, and we can bring you things if you ask for them, within reason, but you will not be allowed to leave your room."
"Lair," Evelyn said.
"What?"
"Not my room, my lair. We've been over this," Evelyn said.
"Oh, right, sure. Your lair," Robin said. "Anyway, if you cause any problems during the week, we'll add on more time to your confinement as we see fit. Is that clear?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure," Evelyn said, waving her hand vaguely.
"Is there anything you want for now?" Robin asked. Evelyn sat up.
"Could I have my balloons back?" she said. "Oh, and some of my Mountain Dew and Peeps?"
"Yeah, sure," Robin said with a sigh.
"Yay! Balloons and sugar!" Evelyn cried, pumping a fist in the air.
Robin shook his head and left the room/lair.
This just keeps getting weirder and weirder, he thought.
-END CHAPTER FOUR-
Author's Note: Peeps are just weird, man. They kind of scare me. Not in a run-in-terror, fear-for-my-life kind of way, though, more in a vaguely-disturbing-concept way.
Anyway, what could Evelyn have meant by saying that the Whipped soundtrack gives her an idea? Might it have something to do with how it is getting harder to effectively bug Beast Boy? Would I have said that if it didn't?
Semi-interesting side note: Evelyn's preoccupation with Mountain Dew has raised a rather odd issue for me while writing this. There are certain differences in terminology between Canada and the United States, including what to call soft drinks. I usually call them "pop", as is (I think) the general practice in Canada (which is where I live). However, I know that Americans usually refer to them as "sodas". Reading this chapter (and the last couple of ones, too) carefully, you might notice that I haven't used either word at all to apply to soft drinks. If you don't want to reread them, which I don't blame you for something this small and superficial, just take my word for it. Anyway, I figure that the minor changes in spelling between Canadian and American English (mostly extra little Us here and there, like in "colour") probably won't be noticed too much, and if they are they will most likely be put down to me being yet another fan fiction author who can't spell worth a damn. However, if people don't know that "pop" is just another word for "soda", that might create confusion. I realize that this is excessively neurotic of me, especially to bring it up in an author's note like this, but I just found it kind of interesting that it bothered me that much, and I didn't really have much else to talk about here.
To My Reviewers:
Blackbird: Thanks. I sometimes worry about the whole PG-13 thing. I think that most of the time the whole censorship thing is just a little bit silly, so having to actually play by the rules can cause some concerns to arise. Oh, well. And the Moonites automatically make anything cooler. Those two episodes are about the only really good ones of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, if you ask me. Well, the mummy one was kind of funny, but most of them just made me want to go buy a milkshake just so I could kick it.
Ultimate R-Man: That's why I have Split rated as PG-13. Man, Reboot was my life a few years ago. I used to have the Pirates of Penzance-esque finale song memorized. Good times.
Sorceress of Demon Otters: Yay for ass-whooping indeed. Where would Beast Boy be without regular beatdowns from Raven?
Mini Black Raven: No worries. As I said, I didn't mean to single anyone out.
Gespenst: Here is the next chapter, and there will most likely be at least two more, possibly three. Evelyn is funny, but it might be a mistake to forget that she is also evil…MUWAHAHAHAHAAA! Ahem.