The Wrath of My Muses
DISCLAIMER: Waaah, not mine. (sniff, choke, sob)... do you get the impression that I'm terribly bored of doing disclaimers and that I have no ideas for any new ones? If you did, then you're RIGHT. XP
"Alright, everyone," Alexis said. She marched up and down in front of the other fourteen Muses in the Muse Protection Association. Five of them were sitting on the biobeds, still recovering from various injuries inflicted upon them by The Almighty Panamint. The others were standing next to the biobeds, waiting for Alexis Weller—a.k.a. Secret Super Spy #1—to give them instructions.
Now don't go thinking that everybody was pleased about taking orders from a 13-year-old girl. Each had their own reasons for thinking that he or she would be the better leader. But Alexis won out, since she had gotten the most votes. From her Secret Super Spies, of course.
"It pays to have connections," Catwoman had mumbled unceremoniously, just before TAP had dumped her in Lake Tahoe along with Adam Cartwright.
"I think we should split up into groups," Alexis was saying. "Us Secret Super Spies will act as reinforcements for Catwoman, Hoss, Spock and Scotty. If everything goes OK, they'll be doing the actual confronting."
"You would," grumbled Catwoman.
"Quit your whining or else I'll blackmail TAP into making Batman a Muse, too, and then you'll get arrested and thrown in the brig!" Robin threatened.
"Vhat can ve do?" asked Chekov.
"I've already figured that out," Alexis told him. "You and the other injured Muses will stay here with McCoy and keep an eye on the different corridors and such, just in case TAP decides to write in the Cavalry to throw us ALL in the brig."
"You are aware that the odds against her being able to do that are enormous aren't you?" said Adam. Just before McCoy stuck yet another hypo in his arm.
"The last thing we need is another Mr. Spock aboard," the doctor grumbled.
"…Anyway," Alexis tried to continue. "We'll use the Enterprise's communicators to keep in touch. And Chekov, if you DARE say communicators were invented in Russia, you won't live long enough to see the end of this mission because I'll tear you to pieces!"
"I didn't say a vord!" the Ensign protested
"Now that we all know what to do…" Alexis started again.
"Let's go already!" Bianca cried impatiently.
"I'm the leader, and I'll say when to go!" Alexis scolded. "So let's go already!"
And so, the nine Muses marched determinedly out of Sickbay and headed down to The Almighty Panamint's somewhat obscure quarters aboard the Enterprise. In fact, they were so obscure that you probably would have missed them if you hadn't been looking for them: they were located directly under Chekov's navigation board-type-thing. You might even call it a 'secret lair' instead of 'quarters'.
Pushing aside the control panel, Hoss led the way down the cobwebby stairs. Luckily, there were no spiders in the webs, since The Almighty Panamint hates spiders. She just added the webs because they looked spooky and cool. But, as Alexis Weller would say, that's beside the point.
At any rate (another Alexis quote!), it was fairly bright down there for a secret lair. The a la "Saturday Night Fever" disco ball was the same shade of green as Little Joe's jacket. All of the walls were the same shade of green as Dick's elf-shoes. All the carpeting was the same shade of green as the leprechauns from Bonanza (do you get the impression that TAP likes green?) From the Patented Panamint Intercom System, "Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel, was playing. Extremely loudly, I might add. So loudly, in fact, that Spock had to cover his ears to proceed.
And there, sitting in the middle of the floor with her mom's laptop and a bag of Kraft® shredded mozzarella, was The Almighty Panamint herself.
The Muses stood there, stunned (well, Spock was too busy covering his ears to be stunned, but…). In fact, everyone was too surprised to comment on the fact that, if the current song was true, then TAP would be alive for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time indeed.
"That's her?" Robin whispered incredulously. She wasn't at all like anyone had expected. Who would have thought that a short, frizzy-haired, Billy Joel-loving teenager could cause her Muses such agony?
"…I guess so…" Hoss said with a shrug. He had created many frightening mental images of TAP beforehand, but this was much more frightening than anything he had imagined!
"So let's get her!" suggested Catwoman, eagerly brandishing her cat 'o nine tails.
"Shhhh!" Alexis hissed. She stuck her arm out in front of the eager crowd and forced them to listen. TAP had begun talking to herself—a bad habit that just showed some more of her eccentricities:
"Now let's see," Panamint muttered. She stuck her hand in the bag of cheese, pulled out a handful and started munching on it like a normal person would do with popcorn. "Pasha got overheated from dancing in a ballet, so… what should happen to him after hitting Kirk with a soap-covered sponge?…"
Dani, whose favorite Muse just happened to be Chekov, began to snarl quietly until Agent 006 told her to shush. And Chekov, who was watching everything on the viewscreen from Sickbay, was not pleased with what he heard, either. So he turned away and checked another random viewscreen to make sure that the Cavalry wasn't storming down the halls or anything.
No-one noticed as the song changed to "Just the Way You Are". Yes, that is important to this story.
TAP continued her extremely one-sided conversation: "…And if Little Joe tried to operate a car, then it's inevitable that he'll crash into a few things, right! Bwahahahaha…!"
According to a report from McCoy, the youngest Cartwright had vanished from Sickbay and was now trying to operate a squad car in Connecticut.
The Almighty Panamint just continued to snicker evilly as she watched poor Joe zooming around the streets and running over garbage can lids.
Finally, TAP realized that "Only the Good Die Young" was no longer playing.
"This one's boring," she grumbled. However, just as she was about to put in one of her Motown CDs, she froze. None of the Muses liked the look in her eyes as she began typing furiously once more.
Even without the aide of the communicator, the Muses could hear someone upstairs in Sickbay, screaming his head off.
"Well, that canna be good, can it?" Scotty said under his breath. But Robin, who had never been known for her quietness, panicked instantly.
"DICK!" she exclaimed.
The Almighty Panamint, who is by no means deaf (although her mom would probably beg to differ), heard the cry and whipped around. She spotted nine of her Muses and grinned at them. Everyone had to admit that she had a very nice smile. You might even say it was a 4,000-dollar smile. And why might you say that? Because that's how much the braces cost.
"Ah, my Muses!" TAP welcomed them. "Come in. Sit down. Have some cheese. There's plenty."
"What have you done with Dick?" Robin demanded.
"Oh, nothing much," TAP replied with a shrug. "I just turned his hair purple, is all."
"ALL!" Hoss bellowed. "Why you no-good, thievin' little worm!"
"Don't worry—it'll wash out," Panamint told them. "And I'd watch what you call me, or else I know a couple brothers of yours who are going to end up at the bottom of the lake again. Maybe I'll even put them back on Gilligan's Island…"
"That's part of the reason we came to talk to you," Heather announced. "Spock, tell her!"
"I believe, Miss Panamint, that—"
"MISS!" shrieked TAP indignantly. See, TAP is a very informal tomboy and doesn't like being called 'Miss'. At all. And so, to get revenge, she quickly began typing. Next thing the Muses knew, "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees was blaring over the Patented Panamint Intercom System. And Spock was dancing to it. And singing.
While the Muses stood (or sat) in stunned silence, TAP began laughing hysterically, apparently finding it funny. And, as soon as the song ended, she changed it to "Last Train to Clarksville", also by the Monkees, and had Spock hoof it to that as well.
"Why don't you grow up?" Catwoman spat. Before anyone could stop the villainess, she had roped TAP's bag of cheese with the cat 'o nine tails and dragged it away from her grasp. Panamint instantly stopped typing, putting Spock back into a somewhat normal state. Everyone watching from Sickbay gasped aloud. And Dick was too shocked to say anything, let alone one of his (in)famous 'Holy' expressions.
"You stole my cheese."
It was a simple statement, but the tone spoke volumes. And even Catwoman—yes, Catwoman herself—was beginning to regret her impetuous action.
"You stole my cheese."
There were nervous mutterings and little gasps from the Muse Protection Association. They knew that, if they were going to do as their name implied, they'd better do it fast before Catwoman ended up tied to a St. Bernard in Siberia.
"We are here to apprehend you on charges of violating the Prime Directive," Spock said, stepping forward.
TAP, temporarily forgetting her cheese crisis, turned to stare at Spock.
"You are here to WHAT?" TAP demanded incredulously.
"You heard the man… er… Vulcan… well, you heard him!" Heather exclaimed, trying to sound official but failing miserably.
"That's right," Scotty affirmed, just as TAP pulled out another bag of cheese and began eating it compulsively. The cheese, that is, not the bag. "Ye've been charged with tellin' the Cartwrights about 'television' an' 'Bonanza'. Therefore, ye broke the Prime Directive, which is enough ta send ye ta the brig."
The Almighty Panamint just started typing. Scotty vanished and, as far as the Muses back in Sickbay could see, reappeared in the movie "Titanic" just as the ship hit the iceberg. And let's not even mention what he looked like in those early 20th-Century clothes…
"CONFISCATE THAT COMPUTER!" Alexis ordered. The Muses made a mad dash for the laptop, but all collapsed in a heap as TAP yanked it away in the nick of time.
"Don't you touch it!" she scolded. "It's not mine, and if you break my mom's new laptop, you're gonna be grounded for life!"
"Well, you're the one who's using it for no good!" Catwoman cried.
"You should talk," grumbled Robin.
Ignoring her, Catwoman proceeded to rant, "Bring Scotty back now or I'll—"
TAP typed something up as rapidly as she could, which is almost 100 words per minute. Just like the engineer, Catwoman disappeared and was soon spotted on a sandy beach with a cold, orangish drink in her hand and lots of palm trees in the background. Everyone was startled, except for Spock and TAP.
"Now that you're in Margaritaville, maybe you can find McCoy's lost shaker of salt!" Panamint giggled, thinking she was quite funny, even though nobody else did.
"That don't look nothin' like no Margarita," Hoss objected.
"Well, I don't drink alcohol, so I made it up," The Almighty Panamint shrugged. "I've got an imagination, you know."
"So we noticed," Bianca muttered.
"You watch it, or else…"
Nobody—not even TAP—noticed as Spock leaned over a bit and whispered something in Alexis' ear. She nodded, thinking it was a good plan. Even though she would probably end up in Sickbay permanently if she dared to try it. Which she would.
And Spock, who was not in the least nervous (his plan was very well laid out, after all), hastily thought of a topic of discussion that would interest The Almighty Panamint long enough.
"Have you viewed any new installments of the television program Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In as of late?"
"Oh, YES!" TAP cried excitedly. "I'm SO glad you asked!"
And she launched into a very long, very animated, very detailed explanation of Episode #something of Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, not even thinking it suspicious that SPOCK had popped the question.
Meanwhile, TAP had ceased typing on her mom's laptop, offering Alexis the perfect opportunity to swipe it and dash back up to Sickbay with the silvery notebook under her arm.
A loud cheer rose from the MPA as they ran upstairs after Alexis. Except for Hoss, who grabbed The Almighty Panamint around the waist and carried her to the brig.
"PUT ME DOWN AND GIVE ME BACK MY MOM'S LAPTOP OR SHE'LL KILL YOU!" Panamint bellowed, kicking furiously. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU…!"
But Alexis was too busy typing everybody back into perfect health to pay attention to TAP's threats. And everyone else wasn't paying attention anyway, except Spock, but he wasn't worried about the now defenseless Panamint at all.
Me: Reviews are always appreciated.
Dick: Gee, that's subtle.
Me: Just do the replies. I have to go set my tape to record Jeopardy!
Dick: Uh-huh. Sure.
Me: You know I do! Now reply or else I'll have Catwoman attack!
Dick: That won't take much prompting...
Reviewer Replies
Jay-Trusedale-Go Bonanza? Thank you, but... go BONANZA? Hm... I don't think Catwoman or Alexis or Chekov liked being left. Little Joe, however, was absolutely thrilled to pieces... ;)
The Tribble Master-We're glad you like the story, but PLEASE watch where you point that chainsaw! You're scaring 006! But yes, bashing up Picard does sound like a good idea...
Me: It's cloudy, it's gonna rain, then it's gonna snow, and I'm bored to death. No, not literally.
Dick: Rats. (snaps figures)
Me: Eh, why don't you... why don't you... goshdangit, I ran outta insults!
Dick: Ha, ha!
Me: Just you wait till next time, Boy Hostage!
(Major war ensues. Chekov and Little Joe look on in confusion.)
Little Joe: Say, do they do that often?
Chekov: Yes. Don't vorry about it. That's normal for them.