The Wrath of My Muses
Chapter Four
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own them, except for Denny and the Secret Super Spies. SO DON'T TAKE'EM! And I probably should apologize for taking so long, eh? Please don't hurt me... Dick has already spanked me enough for the day... ecch... XP
First, Dick vanished, much to everyone's (especially Robin's) unhappiness, although no-one was exactly surprised. A viewscreen appeared in the court-martial room, and the other Muses watched in horror as they realized that Catwoman had placed her greatest adversary back on the ledge in King Tut's crocodile pit.
"You've got 6.5 minutes before the ledge disappears and you're eaten alive by those reptiles. And this time, Batman isn't going to save you!" the villainess cackled.
"He'll never marry you!" Little Joe howled at the top of his lungs, which is quite loud indeed. "Especially not if you kill Dick!"
"Oh, yes he will!" Catwoman shot back. "I've got the laptop, remember? I can make him do whatever I want!"
Then she got to typing again. This time, it was Agent 006 who disappeared.
"My dog!" Alexis exclaimed, sounding close to tears. And that's not an easy thing to do with Alexis Weller. "Bring him back, Catwoman! Where'd you put him!"
The viewscreen split into two halves to show Agent 006 in the tiger cage at the Bronx Zoo. They could hear Catwoman laughing evilly at the sight of little dog vs. great big hungry tigers, and the sound of more typing floated down the corridor to their ears.
Denny went missing next, and—for the first time ever—the viewscreen split into three halves (I know something's wrong with that sentence, but that's what Catwoman typed because she was so anxious to get rid of Denny that she wasn't really paying attention to her grammar.)
At any rate, that third half showed the tribble in the age of the dinosaurs, being chased by a very-hungry looking T-Rex. Denny managed to take shelter in a tree (didn't know tribbles could climb, did you?), but everyone knew that that wouldn't last very long against a hungry carnivore.
But Catwoman wasn't done quite yet. Chekov was typed out next, and the viewscreen showed that he was, once again, a starry Gelert in Neopia.
"I never liked him anyway," Catwoman explained. "Too much of a whiner. And NOW," she added with a malicious grin. "It's time for The Almighty Panamint to go."
"See what you've done!" TAP scolded her Muses, outraged. "If you had just let me type what I wanted and hadn't interfered, we could all be having nice, normal lives right about now! Not to mention the fact that all of my CDs would still be in one piece, all you left was Frank Sinatra… ah-hem… but NO! YOU had to go a wish for something else! 'The grass is always greener', right!"
"You're the one who was torturing us!" McCoy protested.
"Yeah—what're you talkin' about?" Hoss added.
"At least I tortured you because I like you!" Panamint protested. "She's just doin' it because she hates you and wants to get revenge!"
TAP barely had time to finish this sentence before Catwoman typed her out of the court-martial room, too.
The Muse Protection Association—with the exception of Spock and, of course, Catwoman, Dick, 006, Denny and Chekov—exchanged glances, not even bothering to check where their writer had ended up. For once in her life, Panamint had a good point.
"So… what are going to do?" Heather asked, somewhat sounding repentant.
"Get TAP's laptop back," Alexis replied simply.
"Are you crazy!" cried Robin. "If we give her back that computer, we'll be back to torture of all kinds and—"
"Its better'n lettin' Catwoman keep it," shrugged Hoss.
"Well, just how do you suggest getting it back?" McCoy asked. "Catwoman has the computer, and it's a sure bet she won't make things easy for us."
"We'd better do something fast before Dick becomes croc chow," Robin said, glancing at the viewscreen to see how much of the board was left. Not much, that was for sure.
"Forget about Dick!" Scotty cried. "What—"
"FORGET DICK GRAYSON? NEVER!" screeched Robin indignantly. And if The Almighty Panamint had been present, she surely would have agreed.
"Yeah, forget the Boy Hostage—what about 006 and Denny?" Alexis exclaimed.
"And Chekov? He's the best navigator we have!"
"The heck with them!"
"Oh, yeah!"
Robin looked as if she was going to punch out the lot of them before Hoss stepped in the middle of the feuding Muses.
"What do you three think yer doin', fightin' like that? We gotta fight Catwoman now, not each other!" the big man rebuked.
"I've got an idea!" Robin cried, ignoring Hoss' scolding like a pro (which she was). "We can capture Catwoman, trap her in a Jeffries Tube and put on a tape of the "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"! Now THAT is TORTURE for you!"
"Tapes are rather outdated," Spock reminded the group. "I'm afraid there are none aboard the Enterprise."
"Well, I think Robin has a good point for once," Dani agreed. She almost laughed out loud when she imagined the look on Spock's face when he heard the song. "Since Alexis installed internet access, if we can get the laptop back from Catwoman, I can pull up a music video! That should do the trick!"
"But how do we get the laptop?" Little Joe questioned.
Unfortunately, just as he finished this sentence, he vanished. The viewscreen split once again to show a rather frightened-looking Joe standing on top of Eagle's Nest. And for you non-Bonanza-fans out there, Eagle's Nest is a big rock that was used in the episode when we learn that Joe is afraid of heights.
"Umm… would you guys stop arguing and just get me down?" Joe asked shakily, covering his eyes with his arms.
"Don' you worry, little brother—we'll stop that Panamint and git ourselves back home in no time. Jist you wait!" Hoss hastened to reassure the young man.
Hoss instantly disappeared and was soon on top of Eagle's Nest with his still-cowering brother. Catwoman sniggered in amusement as Hoss' facial expressions changed to show his rapidly growing nervousness.
"Boy, am I glad you're here with me, Hoss," Joe said. He sounded relieved. "I know that you're not afraid of anything, and now we can get down!… Um, Hoss? Hoss…?"
But the gentle giant had some extremely disappointing news for his brother. He was afraid of something. Unfortunately, that something happened to be 'heights'.
"We've got ta do somethin'!" Scotty exclaimed.
"Like what?" asked Adam, sounding unusually calm for someone whose only younger brothers were trapped on top of a giant cliff at the mercy of Gotham's Princess of Plunder.
The group stood there, looking blank.
Spock seemed to have an idea.
"I wonder what would happen if we were to try replicating a similar device and use that as a weapon against Catwoman. Perhaps, if we were to create a more powerful computer, we would be able to overpower her laptop and return things to the way they were before she began typing," he suggested.
"¡Estupendo!" Dani agreed in her native Spanish. "Lead on, O Great One!"
Spock raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as he and the remaining Muses hurried down the corridor toward engineering. Why engineering, you ask? I don't know—but it seems like a good place to replicate a computer, don't you think?
Well, since engineering is quite a long way from the court martial room, Catwoman had time to type two more Muses out of the picture. Alexis ended up in history class on Exam Day, while Robin was dropped back into the Superman-verse.
Now there are only seven of us left, thought Heather. We'd better move it before I end up in front of a firing squad in 19th-Century Mexico or something!
Well, I don't know how they did it, but they somehow managed to make it all the way to engineering without losing any more Muses to a whim of Catwoman's.
It only took a total of five minutes to replicate a laptop. It looked exactly the one that belonged to Panamint's mother, except there were no DELL® things on it and it was a slightly duller shade of gray compared with the silvery metallic color of its predecessor.
"That looks—!" began Bianca, right before she disappeared. For what seemed like the millionth time that day, the viewscreen split into smaller pieces and in the most recently added piece, the remaining members of the Muse Protection Association watched as Bianca was tied to a giant barbecue on a rooftop. A few rather oddly-dressed random henchmen brought over a giant magnifying glass and aimed it directly at Bianca's head.
"I remember that episode!" yelped Heather. "Robin wouldn't stop yapping about it—Bianca has one minute before she's either choked to death or gets one of the worst cases of sunburn in history!"
Actually, those were the EXACT words Catwoman used in that episode. And Catwoman, who doesn't like being imitated, promptly typed Heather onto the set of a sci-fi TV show. And Heather who, as you know, likes sci-fi about as much as Robin likes Superman, was not pleased. At all.
"¡Ay Caramba!" Dani groaned. She was now the only one left to represent the Secret Super Spies in the MPA, just like Adam was the only one to represent Bonanza. And as for Batman… well, it was nice having them in the club.
There were now just five Muses left to save the day.
"You'd better do the typing, Mr. Spock," said Adam.
"Are you insane!" McCoy exclaimed. "Spock has about as much of an imagination as you do—Catwoman would never get what she deserves if we leave it up to him!"
Well, Catwoman heard exactly what the doctor said and decided to relocate him to the Batman episode with Tinkerbell, the 'deadly Batman-eating tiger'. But since there were no Batmen on the premises, Tinkerbell looked as if she'd settle for 23rd-Century doctor and still be quite satisfied.
"Hurry!" Scotty urged.
"Yes!" Dani concurred. "If we make it through this without saving Dick, Robin would make our lives miserable for eternity and beyond!"
There was a terrified shriek from Alexis' small section of the viewscreen.
"I can't answer these questions—I hate history!" she bellowed. The other students in the room didn't even seem to notice. "I'm going to fail, I just know it!"
Just as Alexis said this, there was an odd noise accompanied by a growl from Dick's viewscreen. There was approximately one inch left of ledge, and that was going too quickly from the Boy Wonder's taste.
And from Denny's part, the tree had snapped, and the tribble was once again rolling for his life.
"TYPE!" the Muses yelled in Spock's ears. The Vulcan, still as imperturbable as ever, somehow managed to figure out how to type within about three seconds. With lightning-quick precision and accuracy, he was able to override the orders given from Catwoman's laptop and to lock her in the brig.
There was plenty of cheering from engineering, and Dani even went so far as to throw her arms around Spock and hug him tightly. She was so worried that she'd never see the Secret Super Spies or Chekov again, and he had saved the day!
Once things had calmed down a tiny bit, Spock hastily brought all of the Muses plus The Almighty Panamint back from their near-experiences with the great beyond (if you know what I mean).
"And now!" TAP exclaimed. "To get back at Catwoman!"
She snatched the new laptop away from Spock and typed as fast as she could. Even all the way in engineering, the Muses knew that Catwoman was now in a Jeffries Tube, with a music video of 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins' playing at maximum levels.
The villainess hissed and tried to plug her ears, but it didn't really help.
"Don't worry—you are still one of my Muses!" Panamint said to her as a way of consolation.
But her efforts were in vain. Catwoman couldn't have heard anything if she had wanted to.
"I gotta admit," Hoss said. "I sure am glad ta have TAP back instead o' Catwoman."
There was a general murmur of agreement, even as Spock's eyebrows shot upwards as he finally had a chance to really analyze Catwoman's torture-song.
"Thanks!" exclaimed Panamint happily. "And I'm glad to see you, too."
"So you can give us back our computer now," Scotty said, holding out his hands to take the laptop whenever TAP was ready to give it back. "You've got yours back, so you dinna need ours."
"That's what you think."
Everyone froze.
"What do you mean by that?" Dick asked. He sounded as if he didn't really want to know the answer but was just asking out of a general curiosity.
"Well, you see," TAP began. "If I take back my mom's old laptop, and give you back this one, then you'll be able to override my orders from now on, which means that you'd totally kill any torture-story ideas I've got. And when I take Catwoman out of that Jeffries Tube to use her in a story, you'll override that as well."
"So in other words you won't give us back our computer," Little Joe concluded.
"Exactly," Panamint agreed. "And I'll just take that…"
She promptly typed her mother's laptop onto the dining room table back at her house. Right before typing all of her music CDs back together.
"We can confiscate our laptop, though," Dani spoke up. "She's still been charged with violating the Prime Directive, remember?"
"Oh, yeah!" Alexis grinned. "The Almighty Panamint, I hereby convict you of charges of violating the Prime Directi—"
But Alexis was too late. Panamint had already rewritten the Prime Directive to exclude anybody from the early 21st-Century who loved cheese, Billy Joel CDs and the color green.
"Cheater!" yelled the Secret Super Spies (plus Dick, Chekov, McCoy, Little Joe and Denny, but nobody understood what Denny had said and just ignored him).
"Maybe so, but I've just got too many great torture-stories to let you stand in the way!" Panamint declared. "I've got two for Chekov, and… okay, Joe, I'm not really writing Bonanza stories anymore, so you're off the hook… one planned for the Secret Super Spies… but have I got something for Dick! A total of…"
Panamint appeared to be doing some quick calculations in her head.
"…Fifty-four Dick-torture stories!" was the final amount.
"Fifty—!"
Dick's face had paled considerably. Fifty-four!
"Holy publication…" he managed to say. Hoss subtly shifted behind him, just in case he needed to catch something (or someone.)
"You won't get away with this!" Bianca warned.
"Watch me!" Panamint dared. "Bwahahahaha…!"
And with that, the frizzy-haired teen promptly vanished, taking her music CDs and her cheese with her.
"She's gone!" Robin cried unnecessarily.
"But I think I know where she's gone—follow me!"
And with that, the thirteen still-baffled Muses followed Adam Cartwright down the corridors of the Enterprise. He seemed to know the place surprisingly well for someone who was from the mid-1800s.
They arrived at Chekov's navigation post. Hoss, with a little help from Spock and Scotty, moved the consol aside to reveal…
…Nothing.
Panamint's secret lair was gone.
"Holy disappearing acts!" Robin exclaimed.
"That's my line!" Dick objected.
"Will you two put a sock in it!" shrieked Alexis. "Once again, we've got ourselves a real problem—The Almighty Panamint is out there somewhere, with a more powerful laptop, with fifty-seven new ideas for torture stories! And who knows how many other ideas she could cook up in the near future?"
"Spock, are you sure we can't replicate an even MORE powerful computer?" McCoy asked. He almost sounded like he was begging, which is quite unusual for him.
"I regret to inform you, Doctor, that that was the most powerful laptop that our computers are able to manufacture."
Everybody turned to Scotty.
"What?" he asked.
"It's up to you now," said Adam. "If you can fix your computers so that they are able to create a laptop even more powerful than Panamint's we might have a chance."
The engineer shrugged and said, "I'll try."
Unfortunately, before Scotty could even get started, every member of the Muse Protection Association—including Catwoman—had been typed off the Enterprise and into Neopia Central. And from somewhere out in cyberspace, Panamint was cackling evilly at thoughts of her next story…
The End
Me: Ehehe... boy was that FUN!
Dick: Speak for yourself!
Me: I am. Believe me, I am. And I'd watch what you say to me... remember all those ideas I have for torture stories.
Dick: So? You'd write them no matter what I did!
Me: True. Now do the replies.
Dick: (growling)
Reviewer Replies
The Tribble Master-Yes, Kelley was in 'The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars'. About 40 minutes into the movie, he shows up as Viking I (or something like that). And believe me, you'll recognize him. :) And Denny says that YES, Fluffy #1 should DEFINITELY get pink highlights. They'd look real good. ;)
Trekkie in a TruckerHat-Thanks for reviewing and for thinking this is entertaining! Poor redshirts, though...
Otal the Fox-Well, Otal, since we failed, I guess I won't be writing you any letters any time soon.(unhappy sigh) And I had planned out exactly what to say, too... :(
galleena-Thank you. Us poor Muses definitely need all the encouragement we can get with an author like TAP. And Panamint has long since switched to semi-sweet chocolate chips, so... yes, I know, she's really strange...
smileycool13-Haha... I knew it was only a matter of time before you'd figure out TAP's secret identity, LOL. :) Glad you liked her insane little story.
Dick: Oh Taaaaaaaappp...
Me: (nervously) Why don't I like the sound of that?
Dick: (to Denny) ATTACK!
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
(Is currently being chased by a ferocious Denny who is waving a giant baseball bat in the air and bearing all 2700 of his sharp little tribble teeth)
Dick: Hehe...