A/N Chp 9 very weird, very…very weird. Be warned!

But first to my reviewers, I apologise to the essence of popsicles, cos I intend to draw this story on for a painfully long time (not really). Thankyou to Shellmel, and yes I should read bored of the rings, I think my dad has it in the bookcase. To Gods Girl, glad you find it amusing. Thank you for reviewing the chappy to Hotdogfish, and SNAITF and KAITLIN (melamin venea)

I hope you all in joy this… chapter! It's extra long to say MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all! I hope you all have a lovely day! Ps, reviews are cool.

Day two of travelling, day two of boredom, day two of Sarahman's insufferable annoyingness. Kaitlin had spent the night under a large apple tree, Sarahman had spent the night complaining to Kaitlin about gravity. She had woken up that morning with Sarahman's morning breath wheezing ' It's time to wake up Kaitlin, dude man,' and as you can imagine, was not happy. After a breakfast of tomato soup, Kaitlin now squatted on her olliphant riding into the distance whilst chewing her pureed mint leaves. (Middle age toothpaste.) Rolling plains of grass rolled out in front of her; some yellow as ripe corn, others as green as really mouldy candy-floss. Every now and again there were splashes of colour from newly opened flowers. Kaitlin used a long stick she had found recently to whack the heads off a few of those particularly cheerful ones.

Sarahman pulled his mutated frog next to Kaitlin, it gave a disgruntled ribbet, then continued hopping in time to the olliphant's slow walk.

'Er, what's put you in this fine mood this mornin' dude stud?' Sarahman asked innocently.

'You really want to know?' Kaitlin asked just as innocently. Sarahman nodded.

'Your breath.'

'Oh?'

'Yes.'

'Why?'

'Well,' Kaitlin began, 'I found out this morning from your wake up call that it is a strange concoction of mayonnaise, eggs, an assortment of different drugs, plain bacteria and stink bugs.' Sarahman smiled, unfortunately Kaitlin was close enough to see some poor insects amputated leg twitching violently between his blackened teeth.

'Wow dude! You should like totally be one of those copper breath tester people man! You like totally got it all right! If I was some crazy loono dude who had been drink riding, or taking illegal substances, I would like, totally be in jail man!' If only, thought Kaitlin.

'What I really meant to say is, er, let me spell this out for you… YOUR BREATH STINKS SO MUCH I NEARLY WENT INTO A COMA.'

'WoW Dude! No WAY man! So what your sayin' is, I don't need to go into delusions with drugs, all I need is my breath?'

'Yes.'

'Wow! That bad huh?'

'Yes. Smell for yourself.'

Sarahman began trying to blow up his own nostrils, which wasn't hard considering how large his nose was. Sarahman's pupils dilated and his eyes glazed over.

'That should keep him quiet for a while.' Despite her reasons, Kaitlin felt disturbingly guilty for that small deed, but in reality, she was doing everyone a favour.

The olliphant plodded on with precision, it was going so slow she might as well have walked, and anyway, why was her father so obsessed with these creatures? One of the black horses would have been better. What really made Kaitlin angry was the way he treated the poor creatures! The nails that poked cruelly out of the horse hooves, the sticky congealed blood on the flanks where they were repeatedly kicked with spurs. A tear slid down her cheek, it was so cruel.

Kaitlin and co, were slowly approaching a thick forest, she drank in the fresh minty air of crushed pine leaves. Oh how she loved forests, she preferred them so much more then the wide-open planes, the damp fresh smell favoured above the smell of dust and charcoal.

Suddenly there was a very badly played chord coming from a tall large oak tree. Kaitlin scratched her head thoughtfully; not many Orks played the loot, or birds. There was another chord strike, and then a test hum, as if the player was using the badly played G chord as a guiding note for the beginning of the song. Suddenly the " Musician" jumped from the tree, strumming his loot enthusiastically, and… singing.

'Ohhhhh, what be a fair lady like ye

doing over the planes?

Dancing about the flowers,

Leading a moonlight pony…Okay, maybe not, Or that be the weirdest looking pony I've ever had the fortune to meet.'

Kaitlin looked the -what could only be an- elf, up and down. He was dressed in a sky blue tunic, a crest of a goat wearing a black and white tailcoat riding on a strange machine consisting of two wheels embroidered on the chest. The thing the goat was riding looked like some kind of artificial horse, a modified cart, not something she imagined you could balance on like that goat was doing. Kaitlin was beginning to dread starting that school, it seemed the people there might be not what you'd call sane. She looked up into the Elf's dark mischievous eyes.

'The name is Haldir,' he said, sticking out a strong muscular arm, fortunately with a hand on the end, not that Kaitlin was looking as she was far to engrossed in his biceps. He coughed and managed to gain Kaitlin's attention once more. She was about to shake the hand when he gently lifted it up to his lips and kissed it. Kaitlin couldn't help but smile. 'So you are Kaitlin, and that is?' He asked pointing in the 'stoned' Sarahman's direction.

'Sarahman.'

'Oh?'

'One of G-Gandalf's friends,' she stuttered, she had never seen an elf before, and this was a gorgeous young male one.

'mmm,' he murmered knowingly, 'drugey?' Kaitlin nodded. The elfs eyes moved from her face to that of the pony on a leech. Kaitlin gulped as his dark brown hair (Dyed) with subtle golden highlights wavered in the breeze. 'Well I know how to fix that up,' he stated cheerfully before waltzing over to stand in front of Sarahman's glazed eyes. 'It is a remedy my mother taught me… believe you me I know about addictions! Twas' tea, I'm allergic you know. The only thing to wake me up from those rides…' He put his head at an inquiring angle, as if studying the old man, then thumped him hard in the face with his fist.

'OW-Ow Dude! Watch where you put your friggin' fist Stud man.' There was another hollow sound as Haldir's fist came into contact with Sarahman's jaw once again.

'Stop it!' Cried softy Kaitlin as she leapt… no no, walked of the Olliphant.

'Dude! OW STUD!' There was another thud.

'Wow old guy, what have you been smoking!?' Haldir said with much confusion before hitting the ball gown-wearing weirdo again.

'STOP IT HALDIR!' Kaitlin said holding onto the Elf's arm.

'He's still in a trance!' replied the elf. 'Can't you here all the garbled nonsense that escapes his mouth?'

'He always talks like that!' There was another thud. 'What was that for?' Kaitlin inquired crossly, 'I told you what was wrong with him!'

'I know I know!' said Haldir, 'I was on a roll, his head is so brittle to the punch, it makes an amusing crunching noise, you should try.'

'Oh Ok,' Kaitlin stepped forward. 'NO! What am I doing? Arg!' She let out a noise to show her frustration, yet to the others, she only succeeded in sounding like a drunken pirate.

Sarahman rubbed his face defensively. 'Man! Your fist is friggin' hard!' he said, stating the obvious.

The elf scratched his chin thoughtfully, and lifted up his beautifully carved loot, that was missing more then a few strings, then strummed it enthusiastically.

'Oh, Sarahman

had a face like a pan

once Haldir hit him in the face!

His nose was askew

His mouth black and blue

And his cheeks like a hole-y suitcase.' Kaitlin couldn't help but clap; Haldir sang so beautifully, pity about his loot playing. Haldir bowed with a grin on his face and a mischievous glint in his eye.

'Ow man that hurts, that hurts dude.' Sarahman added deeply clutching the frail corset covered area where his heart was.

'Oh what ever… "stud"!' Haldir tested the word, and found it far from his liking. 'Go back to the charcoal pits where you came from, I'll assist Kaitlin from here on.' Haldir lifted his hand and flicked it dismissively at him. 'Shoo shoo now. There's a good… "dude"' (poor poor Sarahman, the 'uncool' old guy unable to stand up to the trendy strong elf, besides, the elf had a good pair of lungs on him, and fists.)

'Yes Sarahman,' Kaitlin added, a lot more kindly then Haldir. 'I'll be fine. Send my love to father.'

Sarahman sniffed and nodded, he promised himself he wouldn't do it, but he already felt his all ready watery eyes moisten. 'I'll miss you, don't forget to come back and marry me.. Man' he said almost forgetting his hippy slang. 'We are still betrothed you know.'

Kaitlin patted the old man's vein knotted hand holding the reigns of his frog. 'No we are not, Father was thinking about it, but we are not betrothed yet.' She almost added the "and I hope we will never be PRUNE face" then controlled herself.

'Yeah, push off now, there's a good fellow.' Said Haldir, realising he had to talk kindly to the old fellow, who was not quite there. Kaitlin handed Sarahman his rucksac.

'Bye,' Sarahman said feebly, tears streaming down his face, 'I love you… stud.' Both Kaitlin and Haldir shuddered. Then the old man put on his viel, sat correctly in the side saddle position, and tapped the frogs er.. flanks with his hand. The frog turned, then leapt, leaping and bounding Gayly (?) into the distance. Sarahman's veil waving in the breeze behind him, like a runny marshmallow.

Kaitlin had to elbow the wide eyed elf standing next to her in a daze. 'That,' he said, 'was the weirdest thing I have ever seen…'

Don't you just love these characters?… cough…