1A/N: The LO:CI crew belongs to Dick Wolf. Dr. Rizzo and Lt. Kowalski are mine.
As promised, this is the final chapter of "Final Breath." I want to express sincere thanks to the faithful readers of this story and special thanks to the faithful reviewers: Lina-Baggins, Justawritier; Netherfield, 08ClassicRockChicky08, Cbraithwaite, The X-Pig and Bammi1.
I truly had a blast writing this and "torturing" our poor Bobby. I think next time, I'll have to resurrect Alex and write something happy :-)
Thanks, again. I hope you enjoy it.
Eulogy
Bobby had fallen asleep and woke up close to noon. He felt rested and more calm, but wondered how many more times it would take before he could wake up not asking himself if it had all been a bad dream. He had found a can of Coke at the back of the fridge. That and the handfuls of Cocoa Puffs which he ate directly from the box would have to suffice as his breakfast and lunch. He now regretted not sticking around for his bagel. He showered (his second of the day, but he needed it) and even shaved again, as his "five o'clock" shadow had appeared early, as it always seemed to do. He looked in the mirror as he rubbed some styling mousse in his hair. Remembering that Alex didn't like his hair brushed straight back, he just ran his fingers through it, letting the curls fall where they may. He remembered her saying that the stubborn curls in the front, which always seemed to fall in little ringlets on his forehead, made him look cute and boyish.
Dressed in his darkest blue suit – a Joseph Aboud which fit him perfectly – he headed for the funeral home. He was lost in thought on the drive, keeping himself composed, trying to prepare himself for the afternoon and night ahead and his first sight of Alex since he was pulled from her hospital room three days earlier. He couldn't stop himself from wondering about what organs – what pieces of her were used to save some stranger's life. It was just like her to find a way to be of service – to be useful to someone – even in death. The thought that some parts of her were still living somewhere in the City, or even across the Country, somehow gave him solace.
He realized that he was feeling a little better and had promised himself that he would be strong and hold himself together over the next few days. He would do it for Lewis and Deakins and Rizzo – he had already been enough trouble to them. He would do it for himself and for Alex. She would have hated to see him hurting so much.
"There," he thought to himself as he pulled into the parking lot, "I made it through that whole thought process and drive without a tear." He knew he was just trying to boost his own confidence. He inhaled deeply and told himself he was doing better. A dozen or so cars were scattered in the parking lot and Bobby assumed that most people would come at night, after work.
He entered the funeral home, which was beautifully decorated and immaculately kept. Soft classical music filtered through the air. He followed the sign which read, "Det. Alexandra Eames" with an arrow pointing to the right. He signed the guest book and took one of the small memorial cards, placing it in his breast pocket.
There was no mistaking his imposing figure, as he entered the doorway of the viewing room. The scent of flowers filled the air, their aromas just as beautiful as the flowers themselves. The entire perimeter of the room was lined with arrangements, three rows deep. Bobby looked up the aisle, slowly walking towards the casket centered at the head of the room. Now it was real. He was seeing it with his own eyes. It was her reddish-blond hair. It was her profile; (there was no mistaking that pixie nose), yet, an irrational voice in his head kept saying, "maybe it's not really her."
It was then that Alex's mother noticed Bobby. Bobby saw her tell her husband and the small group of people they had been talking with, "Bobby's here." She walked towards him to meet him half way in the aisle and they embraced, kissing each other's cheeks. She was petite like her daughter and the familiar motion of bending to kiss her felt comfortable.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered." "I know, Bobby, me too," she said, patting his back. She walked along side him, holding his elbow as they walked to the front of the room.
Alex's father shook his hand and pulled him into a hug; "Bobby, how are you?" he asked. "I'm okay," he lied, and Johnny Eames knew it. They turned back towards the group, as Alex's mother announced, "Everyone, this is Alex's partner, Detective Robert Goren." One by one, they shook Bobby's hand and offered their condolences on his loss.
One of the women said, "We met once before...at a Memorial Day bar-b-que." Bobby forced a smile, "Right, I thought you looked familiar." He wondered why people always tried to make small talk at times like this, but then realized it's what people have to do – life goes on for the living.
Alex's mother saw Bobby's eyes look towards the casket. She didn't know if he was ready yet to approach it, but she thought it might be a good time, before too many people began arriving. She moved next to him and gently put her hand on his arm.
"Bobby, do you want to come up with me and see our angel, or would you rather go alone?"
He thought to himself, "This is her daughter; how much pain and loss must she be feeling, and here she is, trying to comfort me." Then he wondered about what Deakins had told Alex's family. Surely they would be wondering where he's been for the past two days. He didn't want to refuse her kind offer.
"Come with me," he softly said.
They approached the casket, first standing above her, then kneeling on the padded bench. Alex's mother kept her arm around Bobby, holding tightly around his waist; a physical reminder that he wasn't alone. He felt her presence and was glad for it. He gazed down at Alex's face. She looked so peaceful and beautiful, like a sleeping angel. Bobby prayed for her soul to be at peace. He wondered if there really was an afterlife and, if so, had Alex be reunited with her husband?
The pang of jealousy that that thought evoked made him feel guilty. He made a mental note to talk to Dr. Rizzo about why it seemed he turned everything around to be about him, even at a time like this. "Could I really be so self absorbed?" Then he felt more guilty about having these thoughts run through is mind while Alex's dead body lay before him. He returned to thinking about her. He had spent so much time over the past two days thinking about her, talking to her in imaginary conversations, telling her everything he had always wanted to say. He didn't know what else could be said or prayed, so he merely knelt there, looking at her face, thinking to himself how much he loved her and how much he would miss her.
He removed his handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed the moistness from his eyes. He was doing better than he expected. He again told himself that he would be able to get through this. He turned to Alex's mother with a slight nod, indicting that he was done. They rose from the bench and Bobby took her hand.
"Thanks," he whispered.
She smiled, "Bobby, can I talk to you for a minute?"
He nodded and she led him towards the side of the room, to a small, private parlor. They sat next to each other on a small sofa; still holding hands. "How are you feeling? We were worried about you."
Bobby looked at her, but hesitated to answer. He wasn't sure what, if anything, Deakins had told Alex's family, so he simply replied, "I'm all right."
She smiled, "Good. When the Captain visited that night and told us that you had been admitted to the hospital, John and I were very worried."
Bobby sat, listening silently, thinking, "Oh God, what did Deakins tell them?"
She continued, "I knew something like that would happen. I mean, we visited all the time and you were always there; not sleeping, not drinking or eating properly; you were emotionally and physically drained – – it's no wonder they had to admit you for exhaustion and dehydration."
He looked at her and smiled, while making a mental note to thank Deakins for covering for him, "I'm fine now – I know I should have listened to you and gone home to sleep and eat, but I...I couldn't leave her."
"I know, dear," she said, patting his hand, "She knew you were there...somehow, I'm sure she knew you were by her side – her partner right to the end."
Bobby nodded and dabbed his eyes again, as Alex's mother grabbed some Kleenex for herself. "You ready to go back out there?" she asked.
"Yes, thanks."
They rejoined the group of mourners who had come to pay their respects. More family, friends and neighbors, and some Officers, too.
When the afternoon viewing came to an end, Bobby sought out Alex's parents to say good-bye and let them know he'd be back later.
"Why don't you just stay with the family, Bobby? We're going up the road to a little place for dinner and to relax a bit," Johnny Eames said.
"I don't want to intrude." Bobby said.
"Don't be silly! You're family!" Alex's mother exclaimed. "You probably haven't had a decent meal today, have you?" she asked.
"How did mothers always seem to know these things?" Bobby asked himself, as he answered aloud to her, with eyes downcast, "Cocoa Puffs."
"Cocoa Puffs! What are you trying to do, end up back in the hospital?" She looked at him with admonishment, "You're coming with us."
Bobby knew better than to argue.
They walked towards the parking lot. "Do you want me to drive?" Bobby offered.
"Sure, if you don't mind. That way, I can have some wine with dinner!" Alex's dad joked.
"Oh, you!" His wife said, as she nudged him in the shoulder.
xxxxx
Aside from the time he spent with Lewis, this was the most normal Bobby had felt in a while. Alex's parents made him feel welcome, like he was part of the family. It felt good to sit down among family/friends and, suddenly, Bobby realized he was starving – everything on the menu sounded delicious. He thoroughly enjoyed his meal, and the company. These brief moments of happiness were a welcome relief from the constant aching sadness, and his thoughts drifted again, thinking to himself, "I might as well enjoy this. I'll have plenty of time to be alone later – like for the rest of my life."
After the meal, they returned for the evening viewing, which was much more crowded than the afternoon had been. Dozens of police personnel who had worked with Alex over the years, all the way back to her days in Vice, as well as Bobby's old friends from his days in Undercover Narcotics came to pay their respects. None of them knew the right words to say, but their presence spoke volumes and Alex's family and Bobby all appreciated the show of support.
Captain and Mrs. Deakins arrived and Jimmy immediately sought out Bobby, anxious to see how he was holding up.
"I'm okay," Bobby nodded and said, shaking the Captain's hand, then receiving a hug and kiss on the cheek from Mrs. Deakins. A couple of other Officers had made their way over to Bobby, so the Deakins's excused themselves to go pay their respects.
By the time 9 o'clock came, Bobby was feeling the effects of the long, emotionally trying day. Alex's parents invited him to accompany the family to a local diner for coffee and a late dessert with the family, but he declined this time, just wanting to go home and go to bed.
Bobby enjoyed the cool breeze of the evening air, as he drove. He was glad he had made it through the day, feeling a sense of accomplishment at being able to control the emotions that had been dictating his behavior of late. He pressed the "scan" button on the stereo, looking for a familiar tune to keep him company on his ride home.
...static... "Don't wanna' let you go, I never can say good-bye girl..." ...static...
"I'm a lonely man, living in a world of dreams, I've got everything, but the one thing that I really need" ...static...
"Think of me; you know that I'd be with you if I could" ...static...
"The first time, ever I saw your face..." ...static...
Bobby was growing increasingly angry and upset with every song. The radio continued scanning.
...static..."I've been used to having someone to lean on, and I'm lost, Baby I'm lost..." ...static...
"The future's uncertain and the end is always near..." ...static...
"And tell me, how do I live without you..." ...static...
"Damn it!" He exclaimed as he slammed his hand against the on/off button, and the SUV fell into silence.
He entertained the thought of stopping by Carucci's on the way home, but came to his senses. The last thing he needed was to drink himself into oblivion. It wouldn't help matters, anyway. He would still wake up to the sobering reality of Alex being gone and would have to deal with a hangover, to boot. He decided he didn't need anything added to the headache he already had.
Bobby felt a slight gnawing in his stomach and almost wished he had gone with the Eames family for dessert, so he decided to stop and get coffee and a snack at Dunkin' Donuts. After arriving home and quickly getting undressed –– his boxers and undershirt would do –– he put the TV on, channel surfing until he found an interesting story on the Discovery Channel about the ancient Mayan Ruins and the legend of the twelve crystal skulls. He sipped his coffee, knowing that the caffeine at the late hour would be about as good for his sleep that night as the two chocolate glazed donuts would be for his waist. "I'll start working out again next week," he lied to himself, as the delicious, sweet glaze melted on his tongue.
Friday had been much the same; rising somewhat early and finding nothing in the kitchen for breakfast. He immediately dismissed the idea of going back to the coffee shop, too embarrassed to face the clerk. He, instead, opted for the other direction, heading for the nearest Starbuck's only two blocks away. He grabbed The Times and The Daily News on the walk back to the apartment and lazily flipped the pages, catching up on the latest news.
Bobby selected his darkest charcoal suit for the wake on Friday, along with the shirt and tie that Alex had given him for Christmas. Every time he wore that suit, Alex made a point of telling him how handsome he looked and how she liked the way it matched his salt and pepper hair.
Bobby hated the sting of the aftershave on his freshly-shaved skin, but laughed to himself as he imagined Alex's voice, with a typical sarcastic barb: "Oh sure! Now that I'm gone you can shave two days in a row. I knew I'd never live to see the day!" He was going to miss being teased by Alex. Even when she was trying to be sarcastic and give him a hard time about something, there was always a hint in her voice of the underlying sweetness and affection she had for Bobby.
Friday's wake services were just as crowded as the day before. They followed the same routine, going out to eat in between the afternoon and evening viewing. Lewis, who had come to the night service, accompanied Bobby and Alex's family for dessert and they sat talking over cake and coffee until almost 11:00 p.m. Bobby had also planned ahead and brought his own CD's for the ride home.
Upon arriving back at his apartment close to midnight, Bobby felt wide awake. He sat in front of the TV, while polishing his shoes, badge and the buttons on his dress uniform – another "skill" from his years in the Army.
xxxxxxx
Bobby examined himself in the full-length bedroom mirror. Like his fellow Officers, every time he put the uniform on, he stood a little straighter –prouder– adding to his air of authority (as if his 6'4" frame needed any extra help). He was supposed to meet the family at the funeral parlor at 9:00 a.m. for the start of the Police-escorted motorcade. He wanted to arrive early, to afford himself sufficient time to spend a few minutes alone with Alex, before the casket would be closed forever and loaded into the hearse for the procession to Saint Patrick's.
Bobby took a final look at Alex, said his last good-bye and fought with all his might to hold back the tears. One of the hardest parts of his day was yet to come.
The motorcade made its way through Manhattan. Thirty Police motorcycles, lights flashing, sirens blaring, lead the way, followed by the silver hearse, three cars full of the floral arrangements and the limousines carrying the Eames family, Bobby and Captain Deakins. Once on Fifth Avenue, the sidewalks became lined with Officers – New York City's Finest, as well as cops from New Jersey, Connecticut –even as far as Pennsylvania– all snapping a crisp salute to their fallen sister as the motorcade passed by.
The procession stopped in front of Saint Patrick's, where the sidewalks and steps to the Cathedral had become packed with Officers and Officials, the media, mourners, and curious onlookers. The pall bearers carried the casket up the steps, to the strains of the bagpipes of the Police Honor Guard.
Bobby had always been awed by the magnificent Cathedral; its Gothic spires stretching hundreds of feet into the gray morning sky. Inside, the tons of imported marble and the ceiling, which reaches over 300 feet high, provide an amazing acoustic environment for the organ, which houses more than 7,000 pipes. The Cathedral, which seats approximately 2,400 people was packed, save for the first few pews, which were reserved for family and City Officials.
As the procession passed through the enormous bronze doors, Bobby recalled an article he had read years before, wherein then Cardinal Spellman had said, "At its portals, the world seems left behind and every advancing step brings Heaven nearer and deepens the soul's union with Divinity." Bobby now understood. The meaning of the Cardinal's words had become almost palpable. Every step closer to the altar felt like a step closer to God. A feeling of comfort overtook him, as he thought of Alex being in this better place. She deserved nothing less.
Today's Funeral Mass was going to be officiated by John Cardinal O'Connor.
The Eames family, together with Bobby, Captain Deakins and Mr. Carver sat in the first pew on the left-hand side, in front of the pulpit. Across the aisle, on the right side, were Mayor Bloomberg, Police Commissioner Kelly, Chief of the Police Department, Joseph Esposito, former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and Senator Charles Schumer.
Cardinal O'Connor began the Mass with a welcome blessing. The first musical interlude was the Ave Maria, beautifully performed by a local singer and friend of the Eames' family, Robert Bannon. The Mass continued and, in lieu of the Homily after the reading of the Gospel, the Cardinal announced, "Detective Robert Goren will now offer the Eulogy for Alexandra Eames."
All eyes were upon Bobby as he proceeded to the pulpit. He raised the microphone to suit his height and looked at the assembly before him: A sea of midnight blue, some faces he recognized and thousands he didn't, but that didn't matter. Today, like every day, they were brothers-in-arms, but today, all were here to honor his Partner.
He began: "My name is Robert Goren. I have had the honor and privilege of calling Alexandra Eames my partner for the past five years. Some of you who know me might say that that fact alone should entitle her to a medal. (There were soft chuckles throughout the crowd).
On behalf of the Eames family and myself, I would like to thank you all for attending today to honor our fallen sister. Your outpouring of support has been tremendous and is greatly appreciated.
Alexandra Eames was an exemplary Officer, working her way through the ranks from Patrol Officer, to the Vice Squad and, finally, to the Major Case Squad, earning the respect of her peers and superiors along the way. Her loyalty and dedication to the Department over the past fifteen years was unwavering. She performed under difficult circumstances many times, always rising to the occasion with her professionalism and compassion for the victims and families of victims we encountered.
Detective Eames comes from a long, proud line of Police Officers, including her father, John and her cousins, Daniel and Kevin. She took great satisfaction in knowing she made her family proud.
I could not have asked for a better Partner. She was always beside me; backing me up, both on the street and in Captain Deakins' office. (That brought another chuckle from the crowd and Bobby caught a glimpse of the Captain's smile). But, as you Officers know, just because your Partner backs you up, doesn't necessarily mean they agree with you, and I can assure you there were plenty of times over the years that I faced the ire of my scrappy 5'3" Partner. However, at the end of the day – – every day – – I knew that she was in my corner and by my side.
I feel her loss tremendously today and I don't expect that feeling to fade in the days, or years ahead.
Alexandra Eames was an amazing, special woman. A beloved daughter, sister and aunt; a dedicated Officer who loved this City and her job. She will be sorely missed by her family and friends, of whom I am honored to count myself among.
I will be forever grateful for the time we spent as partners and friends. Not a day will go by for the remainder of my life where a memory of her does not touch me.
(Deakins couldn't believe Bobby was actually getting through this and doing an excellent job keeping himself composed. He didn't know how Bobby had found the strength. He was so proud of him).
In concluding, I feel that perhaps I should clarify something. Throughout this Eulogy, I've referred to Alex as my "Partner" several times, but in rethinking the meaning of the word, I realize I may have misstated her role. You see, the word "Partner" has an implied connotation; to most people, when they think of the word "Partner," they think "half" of something, and, half of something is only fifty percent, but...
(Bobby had to swallow hard to fight the growing lump in his throat. His voice was beginning to crack, ever so slightly. He continued)
...but to me, she was everything.
May you rest in eternal peace, my dearest friend."
He stepped down from the pulpit, walked to the center of the aisle and placed a gentle kiss on the top of the casket.
He had done it; made it through. He returned to his seat, realizing that Dr. Rizzo had been right as he thought to himself, "I could have said a thousand more things about Alex, but I'd rather hold them here, privately, in my heart."
xxxxxxxx
Six weeks had passed. Bobby had returned to work the Monday following the funeral. For the first couple of weeks, his fellow detectives tiptoed around him. He remained without a partner; Deakins didn't want to rush him and force somebody upon him and, to be honest, there wasn't exactly a bunch of people knocking down the door asking to be partnered with him. Alex's Will had been read, her bequests carried out, her property distributed and her apartment emptied and rented. Every ending was a new beginning.
Bobby spent the majority of his time as he had always done: visiting the library, reading, working too much overtime and spending too much time at Carucci's – alone. He would hang out with Lewis every now and then and every Wednesday evening was reserved for appointments with Dr. Rizzo. Sometimes, the two of them would meet for dinner, more like friends than doctor and patient, just to talk, just as Rizzo had promised. And it did make Bobby feel better.
Saturday afternoons were reserved for visits to the cemetery; first for Bobby's mother, then for Alex, always with bouquets of flowers. Bobby was particularly anxious to visit on this upcoming Saturday, because he had received notice that the new headstone was finished and in place.
xxxxxxxx
Bobby sat in Deakins' office as the two men reviewed the facts of Bobby's latest case and bounced ideas off each other. Deakins wondered if enough time had passed by now and decided to broach the topic of "partners" with Bobby.
"Bobby, I see the overtime you've been putting in. You think you're ready for some help on these cases?" Deakins asked, with his guard up.
Bobby scowled, "I'm not working that much," he protested.
"Well, just promise me, Bobby, if things start to be too much, if you feel overwhelmed, let me know and I'll see what I can do."
Bobby totally ignored Deakins' statement and continued reviewing the facts of the case at hand.
They were interrupted by the Captain's phone. Deakins pressed the "speaker" button and answered:
"Deakins."
"Hey, Jimmy, how ya' doin'?"
"Bill, I'm good. How 'bout you?"
"I've been meaning to get back to you, Jimmy...sorry...I've been swamped."
"That's okay Bill, I know how it is."
"Anyway, you wanted to know the names of the two Task Force Detectives who got the lead on the Eames case."
Deakins bolted upright and grabbed a pen. "Yeah, Bill, go ahead. I have Detective Goren here in my office."
"Okay, it was a Detective Peter Grimaldi. He, umm, he just left the Department a couple of weeks ago, Jimmy – – took a job with the DEA."
Deakins was scribbling notes. "Okay, and the other?"
"That was a Detective Lyn Bishop."
Deakins and Bobby looked at each other, speechless with surprise ...and an eerie feeling.
"Lyn Bishop?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I know her. She spent a few months here at Major Case a while back," Deakins explained.
"Well, she must have liked it. My info says she put in for a transfer – she wants out of the Task Force."
"Thanks for the information, Bill. I appreciate it."
Nothing further was spoken. It didn't have to be. Bobby could see the wheels spinning in Deakins' head. The feeling in his gut told him that he would soon have a new old partner.
xxxxxxxxxx
It was a beautiful afternoon. Bobby arrived at the cemetery and made his way to Alex's resting place. He stood, holding a huge armful of flowers, admiring the workmanship on the sparkling new granite before him. He softly read aloud to himself:
"Alexandra Eames
Beloved daughter, sister and aunt.
1966 - 2005
NYPD
Honorable Servant
Irreplaceable Partner
1990 - 2005"
Bobby looked to the right, reading the headstone of Alex's late husband. Just as he suspected, she was laid to rest, side by side with him, for eternity.
He looked to the left of Alex's grave, assessing the newest addition to the small plot of land:
"Robert O. Goren
1960 - "
There would be many years ahead for Detective Robert Goren. He wasn't in a rush to write his epitaph.
THE END
Musical credits:
The Jackson 5 - Never Can Say Goodbye
France Joli - Come to Me
Todd Rundgren - Think of Me
Robert Flack - The First Time (Ever I Saw Your Face)
The Chi-Lites - Have You Seen Her?
The Doors - Roadhouse Blues
Leann Rimes - How Do I Live Without You