Title: Interlude 2: Misdeeds Undone
Author: Jo. R
Rating: 13+
Category: Sarah/Daniel UST/Friendship, Angst, Drama, Sam/Jack Relationship/Friendship
Season/Sequel: Set between season eight and nine, 2nd in the Interlude Series
Spoilers: 'Chimera', 'The Curse'. Very slightly for 'Threads', 'Singularity'
Archive: Random Ramblings, SJA, Heliopolis, GateWorld, Novel Archive.
Summary: Sarah tries to put the past behind her and appease her conscience.
Disclaimer: Still not mine, never will be – though I might claim Sarah Gardner if they don't do something with her character!
Author's Notes: With huge massive HUGE thanks to Fairygnomes for being all organised and making sure this happened this year (it's the second or third year in a row the three of us have talked about doing something like this!) and Ruth for being supportive and keeping with her groovily evil reputation (be warned, Interlude readers, be warned… eg). Thanks also to our lovely beta readers, Allie and Jo – you guys rock! hugs
Men. Women. Children.
She'd helped to kill them all.
Jaffa who'd looked at her with fear and reverence in their eyes. Who had died believing in her, believing in her kind. Believing their souls would go to Kheb.
Believing a lie.
The glass of brandy in her hand was untouched but she held onto it desperately, treating it as her own remaining link to reality. She hadn't been able to sit down since her nightmares had woken her, since her trembling fingers had dialled the numbers she'd memorised but hadn't found it in her to call before.
Nine hours ago.
Nine hours and she still saw their faces.
Heard their voices.
Heard her own.
None of it had faded as daylight had beaten back the night.
None of it had faded as the sounds outside intruded on the oppressive silence in her apartment.
She still heard his voice in her head.
Osiris.
The parasite that had violated her, forced her hand. The being that had laughed sadistically in her head as she wept for all of the lives he'd taken.
For the lost souls whose blood still stained her hands.
She still heard his laugh sometimes.
Still thought that he was with her.
The therapist she'd seen, Doctor Mackenzie, had been easily fooled into thinking she was okay. That she had recovered from the trauma and the terror.
She wondered sometimes if maybe she'd been as easily fooled into believing it was over.
Sarah shuddered and walked to the window. Stared down at the empty road below and pushed back a fresh set of tears.
"Where are you, Daniel?"
The fifteen hour journey between Colorado Springs and Minnesota seemed to take longer on the way back than it had on the way there three days earlier.
Daniel drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as they crawled through traffic at an unbearable pace, well aware of the concerned looks Sam kept throwing him.
Well aware her looks would soon be accompanied by exasperated sighs.
He wasn't entirely without sympathy for her as his foot hit the break again. She'd lasted six hours so far, one longer than Teal'c and three longer than Jack.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her mouth open.
Knew what she was going to say.
Pre-empted it with a quick glance in her direction. "You could've stayed with Jack and Teal'c. I'm fine."
"You're allowed to be concerned. Sarah's a friend."
His hands tightened momentarily on the steering wheel, relaxing only when he forced them to.
Only when he saw her knowing look.
"She's a friend I haven't heard from in over a year."
"That doesn't mean she's any less of a friend. You were dead for over a year. It didn't change anything." She smiled when he glanced at her. "You're worried about her, you're allowed to be. You said she sounded upset when she called."
Daniel nodded, remembering the sound of her voice. Remembering her words and find himself suppressing a shudder. "She was more than upset, she was scared. Desperate. Damn it." He glared at the red break lights of the truck in front. "We should be there by now. I should be there."
"Try to relax," she advised softly, ignoring him when he turned his glare on her. "We're almost there. An hour more, tops. You're undoing all the good being away did."
He snorted but didn't say anything. Returned his gaze to the window.
"I'm sorry you weren't here."
"What?" Her apology took him by surprise. He turned his attention back to her only to find her gaze fixed to the scenery passing at an incredibly slow rate – if at all. "Why are you apologising? It's nothing to do with you."
"Isn't it?" Her voice was resigned, her words accompanied by a sigh almost too quiet for him to hear. "You guys were there because of me. I know the General told you you had to go for my sake."
"He didn't tell us. He asked."
Asked because he knew it was the only way she'd agree to go in the first place.
Because she needed to get away from work, from the SGC.
From the memories of the man she'd buried and the one she'd walked away from.
Daniel shifted uncomfortably in his seat, the guilt he felt worse than the impatience gripping him just a few minutes before. "I'm sorry, Sam."
"You've got nothing to be sorry for."
The way she kept her gaze averted suggested otherwise.
He opened his mouth to speak, to say something even if he didn't know what, but closed it as the traffic in front started to move.
They continued in silence, with Daniel racking his brain for something to say. Fluent in twenty-three languages and he still couldn't find the words he needed to make her – to make himself – feel better.
To make amends with the woman who'd stuck by him for almost nine years, the longest any woman had stuck with him – including his Mom. The person who'd be there to help him through the memories of his parents death, withdrawal from something a lot more potent that any drug on Earth, helped him come to terms with the loss of his wife.
Helped him deal with the guilt when another woman he'd loved had become a tool of the Goa'uld.
Pulling up in front of the building Sarah had identified as hers, Daniel hesitated in joining Jack and Teal'c on the sidewalk. "Sam."
"Forget it, Daniel. You're tense, I'm tired." She turned to him with a small smile, fingers already unfastening her seat belt, her other hand creeping closer to the door handle. "Go check on Sarah. I'll see if I can keep the others outside."
She got out of the car before he could comment. He hit the steering wheel, swore under his breath and opened the door to join them.
And immediately found himself on the receiving end of two equally dark looks.
"We'll wait for you out here." Sam broke the silence, giving the two men flanking her looks that dared them to argue. "If you need us, just call."
"Sure. Thanks, Sam." He resisted the urge to put his hands in his pickets and slink away like the guilty part he felt like and headed inside.
Hearing the two questions asked as the door closed behind him and hoping whatever was wrong with Sarah warranted drawing their vacation to an unhappy, unplanned close.
"You okay, Carter?"
"Are you well, Colonel Carter?"
She closed her eyes for a split second, willing the sarcastic report rising to her lips to pass unsaid. She had tried – and failed it seemed – to keep anything from showing on her face when she got out of the car but somehow, as usual, they'd picked up on the slightly strained atmosphere.
It was.. sweet.. in a way. Nice to know they cared. But at the same time it made her want to shout and scream that she was okay.
That she wasn't going to break.
She'd had a good time at the General's cabin, had felt relaxed, even happy, and she knew that was because she hadn't felt like they were waiting for her to break down on someone's shoulder. At the cabin they'd been content to let her enjoy the moment but ever since Daniel had announced he had to leave and she'd suggested they should all go in case they were needed, things had changed.
It was as if they thought she was okay when she was away from Colorado but that she'd crumble when she got back.
As if the memories would be too much for her.
As if she'd managed to leave them at home in the first place.
"I'm okay. Just tired."
She wondered, not for the first time, how to convince them that she was okay. How to explain how she felt to them in a way that wouldn't have them exchanging knowing looks and assuming she was in denial.
She wasn't.
She had made peace with her decision to end her engagement. If there had been any doubts in her mind or in her heart that it wasn't the right thing to do, she would still have a ring on her finger.
As for her father.. She'd tried explaining it to General O'Neill, twice. Once as they looked on from the observation room, once as they sat alone on the small dock behind his cabin. She thought maybe he understood it, that she felt she'd had a second chance at getting to know her father so was grateful for that instead of being resentful at his passing like everyone else expected her to be.
Of course if he did understand that then he had to be so concerned because he thought she wasn't over her break up with Pete and that was stupid.
He of all people should know she was okay with the end of that relationship. Yes, they'd skirted around the issue at the cabin but the fact that she was there at all should have told him what he needed to know. The simple fact that she was there, with him, and had been alone for a whole day and whole night should have been enough to convince him.. To make him aware of where her thoughts were or at least of the direction they were heading.
She remembered Daniel and Teal'c arriving, finding them sitting on the dock fishing. She was sure they'd both been surprised to see them on the dock – fully clothed at that – and was without a doubt convinced their friends had expected something to happen, something to have changed, if their reactions to the sleeping arrangements were anything to go by.
She'd slept soundly in the General's bedroom while the man himself had graciously commandeered the couch, leaving Daniel and Teal'c to share the guesthouse just a few metres away from the main building.
Maybe they thought the General joined her after the lights had gone off but they would be disappointed if that was the case.
Regulations were still an issue.
A big issue that meant however comfortably she'd slept in Minnesota, she'd done so alone and would continue to do so now they were home unless something changed.
Until it changed.
It would, eventually. Even if she had to take the initiative and make it happen herself though given their conversation at the cabin, she was hopeful they'd find a solution together sometime soon.
"Carter?"
"Colonel Carter?"
From the looks on their faces and the glance they exchanged, Sam got the feeling it wasn't the first time they'd called her name. Got the feeling they'd asked her another question she was supposed to reply to with the standard 'I'm fine, really' but had somehow missed her cue.
"I'm fine. Just faded out."
It was the wrong thing to say.
Again, they exchanged a look.
Then the hand hovering at her back got a little more insistent and she found herself being led away from Teal'c, towards the General's truck.
"Sam." Her name sounded foreign said by his voice and from the quirk of his lips, it looked like he found it just as weird. "Why don't you sit in the truck, okay? Just.. get some rest. Take it easy. You've had a long day."
Technically, it'd been a long night since they'd driven through it but she decided not to mention it. "I'm really fine, Sir. Daniel might need.."
"Daniel will be fine. If he needs something, he'll call then we'll go up. Until then." He opened the passenger door and motioned inside expectantly. "Sit. Keep warm. Take a nap if you need to. You said you were tired."
Unwilling to argue, Sam settled herself in the passenger seat, sparing him a small glare when she noticed the satisfied look on his face as he shut her in.
A few minutes, she promised herself. She'd just close her eyes for a few minutes, let them think they'd won, then she'd rejoin them on the sidewalk and wait.
Her eyes began to close just as her cell phone started to ring.
She was trembling and sobbing but wouldn't let him close enough to touch her. Close enough to comfort.
Daniel pulled his phone out from his pocket and hit speed dial two, having to wait only a matter of seconds before Sam picked up.
"I need you. Just you. Apartment 307. Door's open."
He hung up, not needing to wait for an answer and went back to watching Sarah where she paced on the balcony outside. Too close to the railing for his liking.
The door had been unlocked when he got there so he let himself in when she didn't answer his knocking and found her, hysterical, babbling about people and children and death and it somehow all being her fault. Blood on her hands, fire and flames and the children, oh god the children.
She didn't seem to hear him when he spoke but skittered away like a spooked horse when he tried to get too close. Moved to stand on the balcony, pacing, occasionally stopping to look over the side.
Contemplating the road below.
Almost as if she was considering..
No.
He shut his eyes tightly for a moment, a moment not long enough by half but all he could allow himself under the circumstances.
"Daniel?" He jumped, startled, at the sound of Sam's voice, so caught up in fighting back the images his mind tried to conjure. "Sorry"
"It's okay. She's out there." He motioned to the open doors wit one hand, removed his glasses with the other. "She won't.. She acts like she doesn't hear me but she won't let me get near."
"I'll see what I can do." Sam flashed him a quick smile and walked towards the balcony doors, steeling herself with a deep breath as she went.
Sam surveyed the wreckage in the apartment as she pushed herself forward, biting back a sigh. Broken furniture, shattered glass. An underlying smell of something – brandy – and the weeping she could hear coming from the balcony were all bad signs. Signs of desperation, of a woman in a very fragile state of mind.
Damn.
She didn't know what to do or say but she knew why Daniel had called her. She was a woman, after all, and it seemed that even after eight years together, they still thought that meant she was better equipped to handle situations like this one. Or maybe he thought that she was in a fragile state of mind herself and could therefore relate to the troubled woman on the balcony.
Double damn.
"Sarah?" She fixed what she hoped was a reassuring smile on her face and stepped out onto the balcony, stopping herself from going any further when Sarah spun around in surprise. "Hi. Do you remember me? I'm Sam Carter, one of Daniel's friends.."
"He tortured you."
Sam didn't have to ask who the 'he' was but had to remind herself as the eyes locked on her froze her to the spot that 'he' wasn't still using the guise of the woman in front of him.
Tears ran down Sarah's face, her eyes red and her voice shook a little but there was strength underneath it. "I tortured you. I know who you are, Major Carter. You can't want to help me. I wanted to kill you."
Sam restrained herself from correcting the other woman and instead nodded. "You didn't torture me. You got it right the first time, Sarah. He did."
The lucid look faded from her eyes. "I am him. Was him. He was me. Inside of me. He made me do things. Horrible, bad things I remember in my dreams."
Sam risked moving closer, acting on instinct. She wrapped her hands around Sarah's elbows, her grip strong but not enough to hurt. Probably enough to bruise but Sam wouldn't let herself think about that. "It wasn't you. None of it was you. You are Sarah Gardner. You are not responsible for anything that you remember, okay? You were a prisoner and you fought back as hard as you could and eventually you won. You broke free, Sarah. Remember that."
Another sob escaped the former host and she shook her head vehemently, her eyes wild, her hands clutching at Sam's – either to try and free herself or to hold on for dear life, she hadn't decided. "I'm not free. I can hear him laughing in my head. I'll never be free." Her grip tightened and for the first time, Sam looked down and saw blood from Sarah's palms staining her own. "I killed them. I'm going to kill them. You have to stop me. Please. Kill me."
"No one's going to kill you." Sam glanced over her shoulder and was relieved to find Daniel hovering as near to the balcony doors as he dared. Drawing strength from his presence she returned her attention the woman in front of her. "I want to help you, Sarah. Will you trust me to do that?"
Sarah stared at her, calming down just enough to hold Sam's gaze. It occurred to her that she'd never liked her, this other woman, not really. She didn't know her enough to like or dislike her so how could she trust her?
Could she trust her?
Daniel did. Daniel who she'd called for help who was in her apartment but wasn't the one trying to calm her down. Why was that? Had she stopped him?
"I trust you." She wasn't sure why but she did. Daniel did so that had to mean something. And he – the Goa'uld – had hated her so that was something, too.
"Good. That's a good place to start." Sam gently eased her hands from under Sarah's and took one of Sarah's hands in hers, leading her indoors slowly.
Treating her like a child.
She wasn't a child.
She felt like one but she wasn't.
Oh, god. The children she'd killed. The lives she'd destroyed before they'd really had a chance.
She whimpered and tried to pull away. Tried to go back to the balcony where she could work up the courage to.. to do something she didn't even want to think about.
"It's okay, Sarah. You're okay." Another soft smile was sent in her direction and again she let herself be led. "I just want to look at your hands, okay? Make sure you're not hurt too badly. Then we'll go somewhere safe and we'll talk."
Her hands?
Sarah stared down at the hand that wasn't being held and started in surprise.
There was real blood on her hands.
Her blood.
Not the imagined blood of the people she'd killed. Maybe she hadn't imagined it at all. Maybe it was all hers.
Why was she bleeding? Was she hurt?
She couldn't remember.
"It's okay," Sam repeated, easing her over to the couch, easing her onto it. "Just relax, nothing's going to happen to you. No one's going to hurt you. You're safe now."
More tears came but Sarah pushed them back.
Couldn't let herself cry again, couldn't let herself believe..
She wasn't safe, and neither were they. The people in her dream, the faces in her mind.
He would get revenge on them all and she wasn't sure she could stop it.
Doctor Mackenzie looked up knowingly when they entered the infirmary, abruptly bringing his conversation with Doctor Brightman to an end. Sam shifted uncomfortably when his gaze came to rest on her, wishing she could back out of the room. Wishing Sarah didn't have her hand locked in a death grip making it impossible.
Daniel and the General were with them, Daniel because he wouldn't leave Sarah and the General because.. Well, she wasn't sure why he'd tagged along exactly. Something to do with having a former host on his base that made him nervous, probably.
Teal'c wasn't there. His presence had clearly made Sarah uneasy so he had found something else to do on reaching the SGC.
"Ms. Gardner. I have to say I'm not surprised to see you again."
Sarah took a step back at the Doctor's words, Daniel glowered and Sam thought she might have growled. Maybe. There was a muffled chuckle from behind her so it was a possibility.
"I don't want to talk to him. He doesn't understand."
"You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to." Sam stepped into soothing mode when Daniel and Jack remained silent, throwing the two men a look that asked who'd called the shrink in the first place. "Just let Doctor Brightman check your hands and then we'll go and talk."
"My hands?"
"Yeah. You cut yourself on a glass, remember?" With an encouraging smile that slipped slightly so she could glare at Mackenzie, Sam led Sarah to one of the beds, motioning Doctor Brightman forward while keeping Mackenzie back with a look. "I did what I could do but thought you should take a look in case I missed something."
Doctor Brightman kept the fussing to a minimum and proved to be a greater ally than Sam had ever expected when she threw Mackenzie a look when the psychiatrist tried to start up a conversation, even going as far as to warm him that if he didn't leave her infirmary she'd have him forcibly removed.
Sam smiled triumphantly and made a mental note to be nicer to the doctor in future before turning her attention back to the matter at hand. The General and Daniel, she noticed, stayed conspicuously silent.
"Sarah, would you mind if Doctor Brightman stayed with us?" The question took the doctor in question by surprise almost as much as it did the person asking it. Sam shrugged one shoulder and tried to keep most of the desperation she felt from showing on her face. She was out of her league and wasn't afraid to admit it. Besides, the doctor had more experience handling fragile people and since she obviously wasn't going to get any help from the guys, she wanted to make sure there was some form of back-up in case she found herself any more out of her depth. "You can trust her. She's a good person."
Sarah blinked and stared at the doctor through solemn eyes, clasping her hands together as tightly as she dared. "I don't mind."
"Doctor?"
"I've got plenty of time." Doctor Brightman returned Sam's look with a nod and sat down on bed beside Sarah, arching an eyebrow when the woman shuffled away, unconsciously moving closer to Sam.
Sam smiled her thanks and reached out to take Sarah's hand. "Do you want to tell us what you remembered, Sarah? What made you so upset?" She noticed the approving look Doctor Brightman sent her way and mentally thanked the people who'd once asked her the very same questions after her experiences with Jolinar. At the time she'd hated it, resented their interference but now she was grateful she had something to fall back on.
For a moment there was silence. Then Sarah started talking in a quiet, unsteady voice, faltering in parts as she told them what she remembered.
What she'd done.
"There was a device, set on a timer. A series of bombs all over the planet in the most populated areas. He did it because some of them had stopped believing in him. It was supposed to be a warning to the rest of them, to lead them back to his way of thinking." She let go of Sam's hand, wrapped her arms around herself as big, fat tears rolled unnoticed down her cheeks. "We went back a few weeks later to see if they'd learned their lesson, took some supplies to help those who had survived and win them over. They were all so grateful. So pleased to see us. They had no idea it was our fault. He played it up, said he'd tried to warn them and tried to stop it but that he could only safe a few of them. He could only save those who were loyal."
Her shoulders trembled, her voice broke.
"They thought they were the lucky ones but I know they weren't. There wasn't enough food, enough help. He wanted them to struggle, to prove their worth. To be punished. People started to die. They were dying even as they told me how thankful they were. Men and women starved themselves to try and save their children but they were weak and died anyway. So many of them were sick, the water was undrinkable. They could have all been saved but he wouldn't. He stood back and watched it happen, watched as fever and disease took hold of them. They were waiting for him – for me – to save them."
Sarah cleared her voice, unwound her arms so she could clasp her hands tightly. Her voice softened, her words punctuated by the occasional sob. "There was one child in particular, a little boy. Both of his parents were dead but his house was in ruins. He stayed with them, curling up between their bodies to get through the night."
She broke off, trembling.
"I have to go back. I have to see.. I have to try and save them."
Daniel moved forward to comfort her when she broke down. She resisted at first but gave in when he started to move away, burying her head against him.
Sam stood and slowly made her way over to Jack, the two sharing a look, an understanding, as Doctor Brightman approached.
They could go back but the chances of there being anything, anyone, to save were slim.
"It's been over a year," Doctor Brightman spoke quietly, echoing their thoughts. "If it was as bad as she remembers.. Without intervention, those people will have died a long time ago."
"We still have to go." Sam steeled herself against the flash of concern that appeared – briefly – on the General's face. She hated the thought of encountering so much death so soon after losing her own father but couldn't see that there was a choice. Sarah needed closure and she needed SG-1 to give it to her. "Sir, she's been repressing this for months. The only way she's going to be able to put it behind her and accept that she played a role in it is to confront it."
"You sound like Mackenzie."
Sam frowned at the insult. "You're the one who ordered me to see him."
"Yeah, you still haven't told me how that went."
Beside them, Doctor Brightman snorted. She'd read the report, cleared the Colonel for duty. In her eyes, the Colonel offering to show Doctor Mackenzie just how it felt to lose her father was a perfectly normal, natural response. Even if she had threatened to do it with a staff weapon and part of his anatomy.
"I have to agree with Colonel Carter, Sir." Doctor Brightman rejoined the conversation, keeping her amusement at the memory from showing on her face. "We can take some supplies, show Ms. Gardner we're going to do everything we can to help."
"We, Doctor?" Jack arched an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest to ward off the feeling of being attacked from all sides. "Planning your first trip through the Stargate?"
"I should go, if not to help any survivors but to help support Ms. Gardner and Colonel Carter." Doctor Brightman shot Sam a slightly apologetic look. "This won't be easy for you, Colonel. It's your first mission after losing your father and it's not going to be a nice one. Ms. Gardner has latched onto you, you're her support system. I'd like to be there to help you both."
In an almost unconscious gesture, Sam mimicked Jack and crossed her arms defensively. Sighing in defeat when she heard the truth behind the doctor's words. "It's alright with me. Do we have a go, General?"
Jack hesitated, studying her. She needed a good night's sleep, he knew. Not a goddamn mission to a open cemetery. He also knew she'd take it personally if he refused – hell, it was personal. It shouldn't be – couldn't be, not yet – but it was. "Tomorrow, 1300 hours. I clear a spot in the schedule. You take Teal'c with you," he continued, casting her a look when she opened her mouth to protest at the delay. "Doc, can you help Sarah get some sleep? She's exhausted and will probably need her strength tomorrow."
Doctor Brightman nodded, hearing her dismissal in his words.
"Sir.."
"Carter. Take a walk with me." He saw her pause, glance back over her shoulder. "Daniel and Doctor Brightman can take care of her. You need to take care of yourself."
For a moment it looked like she was going to argue but like the good soldier she was, she swallowed the retort and said it all with flashing eyes before preceding him out of the infirmary.
"Carter."
"Yes, Sir?"
"Wait up."
She didn't stop but slowed down. She glanced at him out of the corner of his eye when he caught up but didn't say anything and the look on his face was enough to make her stop completely.
He looked more than concerned. Nervous.
"Is something wrong, Sir?"
If anything the sound of her voice seemed to make him more uncomfortable. "Not really. I was just.. thinking." He glanced up and down the corridor. Twice. "About what was said at the cabin."
Her features softened even as her heart rose upwards in the direction of her throat. She schooled her face into a neutral expression. "Yes?"
His gaze met hers, hiding nothing. "Any regrets?"
"No." The reply was instant, genuine. For a moment they just stared at each other, then he nodded and took a step back.
A step away.
"Good. Just checking. Go get some sleep, Carter. It's not going to be easy tomorrow."
"I know, Sir. I can handle it." She raised her voice a little. Had to in order for him to hear as he walked away.
"If I didn't think you could, you wouldn't be going."
The only people who slept easily were Teal'c and Sarah. The former because he had the discipline not to let what he was told disturb him, the latter because she was sedated just enough to keep the nightmares at bay.
Daniel spent an uncomfortable night in the chair beside Sarah, waking occasionally when he thought he heard something. He did his best to keep the images her memories had created in his mind from surfacing and found they he was successful – when he was dozing. When he was awake he just couldn't forget. Couldn't not see the picture she'd so clearly painted for him.
Jack was taken back to another time, another place. In the few hours sleep he matched to snatch he relived events from his own past with new memories, Sarah's memories, thrown into the mix. He saw women and children walk aimlessly, begging for help in a language he didn't understand but the message, the desperation, still managed to get through.
After four hours sleep and waking up twice from the same nightmare, Sam gave up on trying to sleep and just lay on her bunk staring up at the ceiling. Trying not to see her father's face superimposed onto those of the dead she knew they would find. He hadn't died that way and she wouldn't allow her own memories to be affected by the horrors she knew she was going to have to face.
"The MALP showed nothing. Just ruins of what must've been a big civilisation."
"The air?"
"Breathable. The planet's atmosphere is very similar to Earth. We should be okay, Sir."
Jack nodded, the answer being both the one he wanted and hadn't wanted to hear. "SG-1, you have a go. You're scheduled to check in at 1500 hours. That gives you plenty of time to look around and determine if there's anything you can do."
"Yes, Sir." Sam nodded and left when he motioned it was okay for her to do so, rejoining her team in the gateroom. She glanced up at the control room window, nodded when she found him watching through the glass and looked away as she gave the order. "Move out."
From the control room he watched them leave. Wondering if it'd ever feel right for his team to go without him.
It wasn't a pretty sight. In fact it was one of the worse they'd seen. All three members of SG-1 were vividly reminded of another planet they'd been to years ago, where almost everyone had been wiped out by disease.
Everyone but a child they'd taken home and claimed as their own.
The only difference was they'd arrived days after the destruction of those lives when they'd found Cassandra. Here they were a year too late.
Instead of bodies, they found bones.
Instead of hope, they found death.
After an hour of walking in silence, out of respect for the dead, out of grief, Sarah stopped abruptly. She'd been leading the group, with Daniel at her side, knowing he was ready to catch her if she fell.
Knowing she needed him as her knees buckled and she crumbled to the ground.
The ruins of the house were still there, covered in growing grass and moss but she recognised them. Recognised the building as being the one where she'd first encountered the child she couldn't get out of her mind, whether she was awake or asleep.
With Daniel's help, she got back onto her feet.
Took three shaky steps forward and found she couldn't keep back the sob that sounded too loud in the deathly quiet.
There were not two, but three skeletons on the ground.
Two adults and a child, the latter between the two bigger sets of bones, spine bent as he curled up to them for warmth.
She wept bitterly, fell to the floor beside them and screamed at the injustice at it all. At the guilt eating her from the inside out.
"Sarah. Come on, you don't have to see this."
She did. She couldn't not see it.
She saw it, picture perfect frozen in time, even as the tears blinded her. Even as she closed her eyes.
"I killed him. I killed them all."
"No." Colonel Carter joined Daniel at her side and from the corner of her eye Sarah saw suspicious trails down her cheeks. "You didn't do this. Listen to me, Sarah. You are to blame for this. Osiris is. He killed these people. He destroyed their world and let them die. Do you hear me?"
"No. No, I killed them. I set the device. I remember.. I remember doing it. I remember leaving thinking it was okay because I was okay. I remember coming back and seeing their faces and hearing their cries and walking away. I walked away. They should be alive but they're not. They're dead because of me. Because I let it happen."
Someone – either Daniel or Colonel Carter – tried to comfort her. Tried to put an arm around her.
Sarah shook them off. Violently. She didn't want their comfort, their kindness. She didn't want their understanding and their support.
She wanted their hate, their disgust.
She wanted them to despise her as much as she despised herself.
She wanted them to want her dead, because that was what she deserved.
But they wouldn't hate her. They knew too much, understood too much. Colonel Carter, she recalled from somewhere, was once a host, too. She knew what it was like, knew the helplessness, knew there was no way to control it.
They wouldn't kill her no matter how much she wanted them to make it end.
No matter how much she begged.
No. They were too good for that. The only way to make it stop was to end it herself.
She forced herself up, pushed passed the arms that reached out for her. Pushed away their concern.
And ran, as fast and as far away as she could.
"O'Neill."
"Teal'c. Good to hear from you. How's it going?"
"Sarah Gardner is missing. We encountered the remains belonging to the child of which she spoke. She blames herself for his death and for the death of his people. Doctor Brightman and Colonel Carter believe she plans to injure herself to compensate."
"Damn it. Do you need back up?"
"Colonel Carter does not believe so. She said to tell you that the matter is in hand. She believes if anyone else travels to the planet it may make it harder to convince Sarah Gardner she should return with us."
"Is Carter there now?"
"She is not, O'Neill. She and Daniel Jackson are still searching."
"Right." Jack paused, signed heavily. There were times he hated his job. "Tell Carter she's got another two hours."
"Understood, O'Neill."
The wormhole disengaged as Sergeant Harriman appeared beside him. "General O'Neill?"
Jack stifled another sigh and turned, wondering if he looked as weary as he felt when he saw concern in the other man's face. "Walter?"
"The President is on the line for you. He said you called earlier and asked for a conference."
Ah. Right. He could tell Harriman was intrigued – usually he was kept informed of such arrangements – but this wasn't usually. It was a personal matter. He started up the stairs to the briefing room, wishing he'd managed a few more hours' sleep the night before. He was getting too old to survive on lots of coffee and very little sleep. "Put him through to my office. Hold all other calls."
"Yes, Sir."
If the wind got up just a little more she wouldn't have to think about it. She wouldn't have to jump, she could just let herself be pushed gently off the cliff into the ravine below.
Her body shook, her legs threatened to give out on her but still she couldn't do it.
She couldn't end it.
She wanted this. She really, really did. So why was she still standing there on the ledge instead of striving towards oblivion?
"Sarah."
"Oh, God, Sarah."
"You don't want to do this."
She heard the anguish in Daniel's voice. Heard the small tremor in Colonel Carter's.
"This isn't the only way out for you."
"Isn't it?" The words were bitter and her eyes stung. Sarah reached up and wiped away some of the moisture from her cheeks, knowing it was futile as it was instantly replaced with more. "I can't live like this. I have to be punished."
"Punished for what? For doing nothing?" There was a shuffle, the sound of dirt and dead leaves crunching underfoot as Colonel Carter and Daniel moved closer. "You did nothing, Sarah. That's your only crime."
"I killed them."
"How?"
"What? I told you.. There was a device.. Lots of bombs.."
"Did you plant them in the cities? Put them together, get a kick out of thinking about the destruction they'd cause?"
"Sam.."
"No, Daniel. She needs to hear this. We tried the gentle approach and it didn't work. Answer the damn question, Sarah. Did you get a thrill out of imaging it? Of picturing this? Did seeing the remains of that boy and his parents make you glad? Did you congratulate yourself on a job well done, pat yourself on the back?"
"No. No I couldn't do that. I could never do that."
She was sobbing, her chest aching with the effort. Her head pounding even as the words made her nauseous.
"But he could. Osiris. This made him happy. I bet he was over the goddamn moon when he saw that kid. When he watched a poor little boy take the only comfort his dead parents could give him. You felt it, didn't you? His pleasure. His delight that his little plan worked so well."
"Yes. Yes I felt it."
"And how did that make you feel, Sarah? Did you enjoy it, even for a second? Come on, be honest. You felt powerful, right? Like a god. You held their lives in your hands, had all the control and you loved it."
"No! No, no, no! I hated it! I felt sick! I felt.. I wanted to die. I couldn't bear it.." She spun around, her expression dazed, the pain on her face raw and hard to look at. "How can you say that? You said you understood, you said.."
"I know what I said, Sarah. I believed it. I still believe it. Listen to yourself." Sam took the last step forward and grasped Sarah firmly by the arms, taking a step back away from the ledge and pulling the other woman with her. "I know right now you hate me for what I said but it needed to be done. You didn't have any control. You hated what was happening and you wanted to stop it but you couldn't. Listen to that. You. Couldn't. This isn't your fault. They died because there was a parasite in your brain who wanted them to die. A tumour you had removed. It's gone. He's gone. He's not coming back. You can't change what was done in the past, he took that from you but the future's yours. It's in your hands. Take it and live."
She broke, splintered apart into what felt like thousands of pieces. Sam eased her further away from the edge and into Daniel's arms, relinquishing her hold when she was sure Sarah wasn't going to run and jump.
"You did a good job, Colonel." Doctor Brightman joined her as she stepped aside, laying a hand on Sam's arm. Felt it tremble beneath her palm.
"She's going to hate me."
"For a while," the doctor agreed. "But in time she'll thank you. You just told her what she needed to hear."
"And in the meantime I feel guilty for kicking her when she's down."
"You did what was necessary, Colonel Carter. You saved her life."
"Maybe." Sam glanced back at the broken woman in her friend's arms, felt partly responsible for helping to break her. "She's still got a long way to go."
"She won't go through it alone. We'll get her counselling – not Mackenzie and I'll help her as much as I can."
"As will Daniel Jackson."
"Teal'c." Sam looked up at him when he joined them. Looked away when she caught the look in his eye. Concern. Not for the woman behind them, for her. "Did you talk to the General?"
"I did. He will be pleased that we are able to return on time."
Sam glanced away, blocked out the sound of desperate weeping and shuddered at the desolation all around them. "So will I."
Jack was waiting for them when they got back, his expression unreadable.
"Everyone okay?"
"In a manner of speaking, Sir." Sam managed a tired smile, one that didn't meet her eyes and died when she realised he wasn't returning it. "With permission, I'd like to get Sarah to the infirmary."
"I'd like to get us all to the infirmary," Doctor Brightman chimed in. "Just to be on the safe side."
"Permission granted." Jack gave them a short nod and turned away abruptly. "Debriefing at 1800."
"Yes, Sir."
Doctor Brightman ushered Daniel and Sarah out of the room first, her first priority her patient and the person helping hold her together. Teal'c and Sam followed at a slower pace, exchanging a look at the General's odd behaviour.
He skipped the debriefing in favour of sitting with her. After a quick two-minute phone call, Daniel had received permission from Jack and resumed his position beside Sarah's bed in the private room Doctor Brightman had cleared for them.
He wasn't going to leave her, wasn't going to walk away. She'd convinced him, once, that she didn't need him but he wouldn't buy it again.
He wouldn't let her walk away this time.
No matter how many times she asked, no matter how hard she pushed.
"Daniel?"
The voice was tired, weary. Unsurprising considering everything she'd been through.
"I'm here."
"I'm glad." She tried to sit up, gave him a weak smile of thanks when he moved to help her. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
Sarah shrugged. Accepted the glass of water he handed her but refused to meet his gaze. "I blamed you."
"What?" Surprise competed with hurt. Neither won. "For what happened to you?" She nodded, a single tear falling down her cheek and he swallowed the lump rising in his throat. "I guess I am to blame.."
"You're not. Not at all." She did meet his gaze then, her eyes bright but trusting. "I'm sorry for blaming you. That was unfair of me. I wouldn't let you help me because I wanted to believe you were responsible for what happened to be but you weren't. "
"Sarah.."
"No, Daniel. I won't let you blame yourself and I know you won't let me blame myself. Not anymore." She took a deep breath, reached out for his hand and held it. Looked at him hopefully. "I know I don't have any right to ask this but will you help me? I.. I can't do this alone and.."
He didn't let her finish. Daniel moved a hand to her face, a finger trailing over her lips to silence her. "You don't have to ask."
With a tearful smile of thanks, she moved into his arms and let her head come to rest on his shoulder, closing her eyes tentatively.
Waited for the images to come and smiled in relief when they didn't.
Maybe it would be okay, eventually.
The debriefing was quick and relatively painless, finishing just twenty minutes after it started. General O'Neill dismissed them all and gathered his things, the first to leave the room when he was usually the last.
Doctor Brightman and Teal'c followed his lead, the latter throwing Sam a look as she lingered behind.
Taking a deep breath, Sam walked towards the closed door to his office and knocked on it sharply. She waited for him to call out it was okay for her to enter and was just about to give in to the urge to go grab a bunk and get some sleep when the door swung open.
"Carter."
"Sir."
They regarded one another in silence until he caved first and stepped aside to let her enter.
"Are you okay, Sir?" She watched him walk over to his desk and lean against it instead of walk around it and retake his chair.
"Sure, Carter. Why do you ask?"
"Because you don't look it and you don't sound it." She answered immediately, arms folded over her chest, eyes narrowed. "Did something happen when we were off world?"
"Not exactly."
"Do you think I handled it badly?"
"No! Of course not. You did a great job. An excellent job. Couldn't have done it better myself."
She glanced towards the door he'd left open and let her arms drop to her sides. "Then what did I do to have you act like this?"
"Like..?"
"Like you're pissed off at me, like you're the one who's starting to regret what we said.."
"You think..? God, no." He sat up, crossed the room and closed the door. Stood in front of it, beside her. "I spoke to the President after Teal'c radioed in. About what we discussed."
"Oh." He watched her stiffen, saw her square her shoulders as if preparing for the worst. "Right."
He saw the look cross over her face, defeat mingled with something else and shook his head. "No, it wasn't like that. It wasn't bad. It.. Things have been put into motion."
The disappointment was replaced with confusion and she turned slightly to look at him. "Then why..?"
"Nervous."
The blush staining his cheeks made his answer believable.
"Nervous?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
Jack squirmed, shuffling on the spot. His gaze rose to her forehead and his reply was mumbled. "Because I'm trying to figure out how to ask you out on a date without sounding like an idiot. Like I am now."
"You don't sound like an idiot."
"First time for everything."
"When?"
It was his turn to be confused, his gaze flickering back down to her eyes. "When what?"
"The date," she prompted, staring at him expectantly. Ignoring the fluttering in her stomach. "When?"
He blinked once. Twice. Looked at her in surprise. "Just like that?"
"Sure. You wouldn't be asking if it'd get us into trouble, right?"
"Right. It's been.. cleared." It didn't sound very romantic when he put it that way but Jack snorted mentally. This was Carter. And him. It wasn't about romance.
Not yet.
"Good. So.. when?"
"Ah.. I hadn't got that far."
"Okay. Call me when you do." She couldn't keep the smile from her face any longer and turned away, heading for the other door, the one that led out into the maze of corridors.
She got three steps away from the office when she heard him move out into the corridor behind her, turning in time to see him glance up and down the deserted hallway.
He looked up, his smile tentative and more than a little sheepish. "Tomorrow. Seven okay?"
"Seven's fine."
"Good. Now go get some sleep, Carter. That's an order."
"Yes, Sir. Goodnight, Sir."
"Night, Carter."
Sam turned away again and resumed her original course, the smile spreading on her face as it sunk in. It was a strange, unbelievable thought and a strange, unbelievable feeling. One that left her feeling strong enough to handle whatever nightmares were waiting for her when she closed her eyes.
To Be Continued in Episode Three - Twisted Tapestry Part 1 by Ruth M. King