Never Knows Best
xxx
We dance around the topic like it will bite us and end this forever, when the truth is it changes nothing. School, he always says carefully. Brother. Fire. School.
We pretend. Pretend that there is something.
There is nothing.
I am never knows best.
He is simply waiting.
Can't he smile? Show me some teeth, Takkun. Show me some teeth.
Scrape. Flesh. Dirt. Bone.
I worry after him. Lose my shoes for the third time. Run out of money for cigarettes. Wonder when Takkun will show up, because he always does he always he always does show up.
Wonder when I'll be good enough.
Blue. Brown. Yellow.
Like some circle, incomplete. When will we stop this? Takkun, the kitten, sleeps on the shore of the water. A metal angel spinning off the top of my past. A god. A fire.
"She's very beautiful."
"No she's not."
"What's her name, Takkun?"
"Doesn't matter."
My camera flashes.
"Come on, Takkun. What's her name?" her eyes are black, I think. I think. I've only seen her from a distance. Her hair is long. She's Takkun's age.
He's quiet. Silence runs on through space and time, looping planets, taking me to Takkun, on his wedding day, with that beautiful young girl. I see a western style wedding. I see family. I walk down the aisle, touch the bride's elbow and whisper, "By the way, what was your name?"
"Ninamori."
Takes me a moment. Takkun wakes up and rubs himself against Takkun's leg. I smile.
This happened some time ago. Now, I wait, wonder.
Takkun, Takkun, Takkun.
It changes nothing.
Yes, Takkun, I burned down the school all those years ago.
Is that what you wanted to know?
You would ask me if that was true.
Does it matter? Does it matter?
How many times do I have to say it, Takkun?
It doesn't matter.
I will say what you want me to say.
Until.
I feel tired a lot. Well, I don't lead the healthiest of lifestyles, after all. Smoke. Don't like to go home, so don't sleep in a bed much. Don't eat much other then stale bread.
Takkun's father asked me if I was poor, once. Takkun looked so shocked, stammered, sweated, looked at me, looked at his father as though he might kill him.
Part of me likes being protected.
Part of me hates it.
I am poor. My family, however, is not. My family, however, does not want poor little Mamimi to be draining away their money on her filthy habits. Especially when the grades come around.
Mamimi. Only child and the last hope of her family, and she almost killed her father when she chose the local high school instead of aiming for Tokyo U.
I just wanted to be with Takkun.
The other Takkun. Not the kitten. Not the brother. Takkun.
Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me.
xxx
"Look around you, Mamimi."
I look at the back of her head, instead. All that's visible is the strap of her goggles. Her torn jacket, jeans, combat boots. Haru. Hara. Haruko. The best thing since sliced bread. I smile at her pink hair. Those who didn't like Haruko didn't know Haruko. She was the one to invite me in to Takkun's house. Sneered at Takkun's father when he said I shouldn't be here and kicked him out, demanding ice cream and magazines, him stuttering the robot was supposed to do things like that, her slamming the door in his face.
We sit in front of the sliding door in the back, Haruko facing outside.
"What do you mean?"
She turns and her strange yellow eyes on me. Red shutters to life deep inside them.
"There's something wrong with everyone in this place."
Everything rushes to a stop.
At the bridge, he shows up. The kitten rests his head against my ankle.
"Still have that stupid thing?"
"You have a cat."
"Not mine. Grandpa's."
Pause. The still of silence. The river rushing by.
"I renamed him."
He's quiet. Doesn't respond.
"His name is Nuka, now."
"Oh."
Another pause.
"I…" he begins, eyes blank as always, "I have to go."
He turns and walks away. I stand, look after him, but don't follow.
"Wait," I call, turning, "Naota!"
Freeze frame.
Shock stillness.
The river even goes away.
He whips around. I've never seen emotion like this. Not on Naota.
I smile. Glad.
"Naota."
I have something to tell you.