BlackNymph: Well, I got the idea for this when, well, I mentioned in a disclaimer what I would do if I owned HagaRen, and a reviewer said that she would like to see the end result of this. I got to thinking, and I figured "Hey! This is a series where power is everything!" And then I somehow wound up with this. (The review was on E-Fiction, so don't look for it here)
Disclaimer: I do not own HagaRen (as stated above) or the much-missed "Behold the Power of Cheese" commercials (which I still say should have been released on DVD, or at least VHS --)
Please Note: None of this is done in earnest. I repeat: NONE of this is done in earnest.
Please Also Note: This is the result of a slight mental breakdown. Were I in my right state-of-mind, this would be a helluva lot less funny, and would make more sense. Probably shorter, too.
Enjoy…
Chapter One: Restorative Powers
Sandaled feet stomped through the hallways of the Elric household, the owner running madly to his late father's study, swinging a set of scrolls wildly.
"Brother! Brother!" called Alphonse Elric, turning the corner of the room sharply only to slip on the hard-wood floor and slide the rest of the length of the hallway. Upon crashing into the wall, he rose into a sitting position, shook his head to clear away the many colorful dots that clouded his vision, and stood, racing back to the study.
This ordeal happened a grand total of four times before the elder brother—Edward—stupidly stuck his head out from the doorway. A loud crash was heard by their neighbors—the Rockbells—who simply shook their heads and continued breakfast.
Ed groaned, rather dizzy, and tried to untangle himself from both his brother and the—now completely torn-up—tartan rug their mother had always insisted on keeping in the halls. With some effort from the latter two, Ed and Al managed to get themselves untangled. The two brothers shared a look, nodded, and Ed returned to his seat at the desk, and Al to the beginning of the hallway.
The younger sighed once, and calmly walked the length of the hallway, turning deliberately into the study (he didn't quite like having his head ram into the wall, you see), where he then stopped.
"Now, brother?"
Ed turned back to face him, golden eyes taking in the distance that his brother was from the desk. "Take a step back." Al did so. "Another." Al did so again, clutching the scrolls in his hands tightly. "Okay, now go ahead."
The younger boy nodded once, then took off running into the room, screeching to a halt next to his brother's chair, his side bumping into the desk. He waved the scrolls in the air. "I found them, brother!" he exclaimed.
The tartan rug, which now lay in a mangled heap in the corner, sweat-dropped.
Ed stood up quickly, accidentally knocking over the chair he had been sitting in. He stared at it for a minute before stooping down and gently setting it back into the position it was in prior to falling, then sat in it once more. He waited another minute, and gave a nod to Al.
Al waved the scrolls around once more, smiling excitedly. "I found them, brother!" he shouted gaily.
The tartan rug sweat-dropped again.
The elder carefully pushed the chair back with his feet, still sitting, and made sure that he was far enough away from the desk. After making sure that this was the case, he stood up quickly again, slamming his hands on the desk and grabbing one of the sheaves of parchment. He scanned through them eagerly before sighing. The blonde boy rolled up the page, carefully placed a rubber band 'round the middle, and set it gingerly into an open drawer in the desk.
Al squawked indignantly. "What'd you do that for?" he demanded, snatching it back up, unrolling it to see for himself what was wrong with what he had spent almost a week turning his room upside-down to find.
"Al, those are the blueprints to one of your crazy ideas." Ed told him, sitting back down.
Al frowned. Sure enough, it was the entire plan for his own personal invention. "Hey!" he yelled, waving the rolled-up paper around. "The computer's gonna make it big one day, you'll see!" He turned out to face the window, still waving the scroll. "You'll all see!"
Ed stood, raising his hands to his brother's shoulders consolingly. "Calm down, Al. I understand that you're upset, but be serious. Who's ever going to give up books for a hunk of plastic?"
Al paused, considering for a moment. He looked at the scroll, then back at Ed, then back at the scroll. "Yeah, you're right." He admitted, dropping the blue-prints over his shoulder, where they were then grabbed by an invisible hand.
Meanwhile, in the US of A…
The Invisible-man bowed to a lighted, beeping throne, the rolled blueprint being presented in his upturned, and still rather invisible hands. "My Lord…"
The man in the technological throne shifted, his face still covered in shadow. "You have done well, my slightly less intelligent minion."
Invisi-man bowed again as the seated man leaned forward, revealing himself to be a middle-aged, balding man with glasses and horrible complexion. "Thank you, my lord Bill Gates."
And the next few minutes are filled with maniacal, cackling laughter.
Back in Risembool…
"Here brother, try this one." Al handed him another of five remaining scrolls he held.
Ed took it, sending a slightly hesitant look to the stack of at least thirty others playing Go Fish in the corner with that tartan rug. He looked over it…and paused…
…And paused…
…And paused just a little bit more…
Suddenly, without any hint of warning, he leapt from his seat, causing the chair to fall backwards again. He frowned, gently placed it back in a standing position, and hopped once to the left. Satisfied, he jumped up, throwing a fist into the air. "Eureka! We found it, Al!"
The younger put up a finger. "Actually, brother,I found—Brother?" he sighed upon seeing that his brother was not listening, but instead had elected to do a victory lap around the study, his arms occupied in an odd impression of the Cabbage Patch.
Al sighed once and sent a look to the corner, where the tartan rug and useless scrolls shrugged at him. He shrugged back, and joined his brother in their terrible dance-session.
Later that Night…
"One-two-three!" the two golden-eyed boys shouted in unison, thrusting their hands out at the same time.
"Scissors—"
"Rock!" Ed yelled gleefully to himself, hugging his hand. "You know what that means, right Al?"
The younger boy hung his head, his shoulders slumping dejectedly before sending a look to the pile of what appeared to be garbage on his right. He scowled, nudging an aluminum soup can with his foot. "Fine. I didn't want your stupid ingredients anyway…" he grumped, stuffing his hands into his pockets, and going off to skulk and search for his own human-ingredients in the kitchen.
Disappointed, Al opened the door to the refrigerator, searching through it with as little zeal as he could muster. Sure, the water would be no problem, he admitted this with a glance at the sink. Unfortunately, there was little in the fridge besides a can of tomato paste—which he remembered wasn't supposed to be there anyway—and an entire wheel of cheddar cheese.
He considered the two, finally deciding on the cheese, as it would take up the mass of the human, whereas the tomato paste would not. He merely reached his arm in and swept this onto the floor, where it then proceeded to explode an be consumed by the tartan rug—after a grueling battle with the rejected scrolls.
The boy reached into the fridge, and began to heave the giant wheel out. He was surprised at how heavy it was, but finally managed to lug it into the living room.
After a few minutes, he managed to mold the cheese into a life-sized version of a human woman, and had by them gotten a large bucket of water and placed it next to the cheese-woman. Who cares if it wasn't enough? Cheese has water in it…right?
It took much longer to get the transmutation circle in place, and when that was done, he looked out the door into Ed's dubbed "Transmutation Room." Inside, Ed was also carving what seemed to be another false human. Upon further scrutinization, Al realized that not only was it in better proportion than his, but Ed had somehow managed to turn all of his material into marble and had carved a perfect replica of…
…David.
Al's jaw dropped, and he stomped back into his room, plopping down on the floor, waiting for his brother to make the signal.
"Ready Al?"
He jumped up, placing his hands on one of the outer rings of the circle. "Ready brother!"
"Go!" they shouted in unison.
There was a flash of light, and the two boys passed out.
The Next Morning…
Ed woke up and groaned. As soon as he opened his eyes, he screamed, and raced out of the room. "That thing…" he mumbled to himself, closing the door and locking it. "Not human…"
He paused…
And paused…
And finally remembered why he had paused. "AL!" he shouted into the next room, darting in when he heard a, "Brother!" from inside.
And inch from the doorway, he stopped, and his jaw hit the floor.
Al waved, and hugged the being he had created, a rather happy smile on his face. "Hi brother!"
Ed stared, jaw still on the floor. "Eh?" Was all he could make out.
Now, the original intention was to bring back their mother, and that was more or less what Al had tried to do.
It wasn't his fault Pamela Anderson showed up instead, was it?
(A/n: Insert picture of Ed as seen on manga page 86)
Meanwhile, In Heaven…
In his large computer chair, God leaned back, grabbing a cube of cheese on the platter that had been delivered to him earlier that morning.
"Take that, Mr. Superior!" he shouted, pointing downward at Ed in his GLOOM state. "Behold the power of cheese!" And he snickered.
BlackNymph: Remember, this is not written in seriousness. I'd appreciate reviews, but seeing as this isn't entirely sane, I don't expect any.