DISCLAIMER: Kimberly Hart isn't mine: Saban has her. You all know who Bill Engvall is. I forgot what site these came from, but you can find some of these on his extremely funny cds. This conversation is in Kim's words. And now…

PINK CONVERSATION WITH A BLUE COLLAR GUY a/k/a THE STUPID SIGN

By: C.A. TURNER

Man, Bulk and Skull are the living definition of stupid! I asked them about this book we're supposed to read by the Bronte sisters for lit class. Their response: "We didn't know Mary-Kate and Ashley could spell." Morons!

I stormed into the Youth Center, and sat next to this guy, who looked way familiar to me, like someone I had seen on TV. But, before I could muse on that, I got mad about Bulk and Skull again, and started to tell this poor guy. It was spooky, like he knew what I was talking about.

He looked at me and said: "Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign.""

I almost fell off the stool, laughing. I told him about Skull's latest stupid question at the school bake sale for the park playground. Trini and I had made these delicious chocolate cakes, and we were carrying them to the Youth Center, when Skull stupidly asked "Are those for the bake sale?" Trini looked him straight in the eye and said "Nope. Madonna's having a sex party here, and needs refreshments. Here's your sign." For some reason, I put that with this man, who said: "Boy, I know what you mean, miss. It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

After a series of giggles, I continued: "A couple of months ago my boyfriend Tommy went fishing with a buddy of his, they pulled his boat into the dock, he lifted up this big string of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" Tommy shouts: "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

He was rolling when he continued: "I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

It was obviously my turn. Still giggling, I said: "Jason, a friend of mine, was flying with his grandfather to his aunt's for New Year's. On the runway, the plane hit a deer, and they had to go back. Jason called his little sister and told her what happened, and she gasped 'My God, Were you on the ground?' Jason said "Nope. Santa decided to make one last run. Here's your sign."

The man laughed and gave a knowing smile before continuing "Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

I then added "We were trying to help Zack sell his car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. They get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, Zack could have stopped him."

The laughs continued, then: "I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign.""

My last one: Trini had just locked her car keys inside by accident. I came by as she was using a hanger to try and unlock the door, and I couldn't help myself. I asked her 'Lock your keys in your car?' I deserved this. She said 'Nope. Just washed it, and I'm hanging it out to dry. Here's your sign.'

The gentleman finished with: "I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

We were still laughing when a chauffeur came in and said "Mr. Engvall, the car is fixed, we're ready to go."

I then said: "Nice talking to you. I'm Kimberly Hart.

"Nice to meet you, Kimberly. Here's 6 tickets to my show tomorrow for you and 5 of your friends. I'm Bill. Bill Engvall.

My mind went right into the deep freeze. I quickly recovered and said "We'll be there. Thanks." He then kissed me on the cheek and left.

Tommy, Jason, Zack, Trini, and Billy are not going to believe this! In the meantime:
Anybody you know need a sign today? The next time someone says something stupid, ask them where their sign is.