Bad Memories
Chapter 6:They Will Never Fade
BlackDove682:Wow...that does make me really happy. I almost didn't believe it...then I checked your profile...you actually went through all the trouble of joining just to review...Screw immitation that is the sincerest form of flattery:) I only joined to take advantage of the favorites list, I was having a lot of trouble finding (and even remembering) all the fics I was reading, now with the e-mail alerts I havin't even looked at my fav. list for awile...cause I just get the e-mails. Anyway I hope you like this chapter, it is after all the first half of the climax...it's continued on in the next chapter. Well as always it was nice hearing from you and I hope you read, enjoy and review as always:)
Angel Caida:It's nice to see that the endangered spieces known as the 'Repeat Reviewer' isn't entirerly extinct:) To answer your question, yes they are confronting her, and well... let's just say the aftermath continues on to the next chapter. So here is your update, you can sleep easy now:)Hope to hear from you again.
Sternum:To tell you the truth it caught me off gaurd too. At first I didn't even think to have her drink...but in the third ch. when she realizes she lookes half dead and hungover, well I wrote that line, and I'm always trying to make Raven act more like an adult then any of the other titan's , so I decided, just as a whim, to have her drink...and to my surprise it solved a lot of the problems I was worried were going to stump me. Like what do I do to fill in time untill the titans find out about the cutting, and why I always knew they were going to find out through a secret camera...I was worried that I couldn't make up a belevible reason for them to violate her trust. So as you can see, it filled in a lot of the hole's in my story, I think my story would have only been half as good without it.
Chibi Lauryn:Thanx for the complements, and yes they will find out...although not all of it...I, after all have to save some meterial for the sequel:)
nightwingluver:It's good to know my original idea of making a 'Really dark depresing and dramatic(My three fav. 'D' words) story, is coming true:)
DarkChild5:Thanx...here you go.
Poisyn:Wow my longest review ever. I'm glad you like my story so much(It would really suck if my longest review ever was a flame)It's a good thing you don't cut, I do and I can't stop unfortunatly:( But on the upside I'm not suicidal (Usualy...) I'm glad your not one of those people that try's to make there friend stop cutting before there ready...that never ends well. And your review actualy saved me from putting another authors note at the beggining of this story, cause I saw an issue of a magazine that had the TT's on the cover (It was on the TT's card game)but they had mini profile's on all the charaters and under Starfire they mentioned the whole slavery thing...which I had never even heard of before...so I was going to ask, and now I don't have to:) It also helps to know more about the other titans past, that will deffinetly help me more in other stories.By the way can you give me some more detail on the whole 'Starfire in slavery' thing, it has me interested...
And just a stupid side question...some one sometime back at the end of a chapter made an off handed remark that"If seeing Starfire naked offends you then never read a Teen Titans comic book, the artists were always drawing her naked..." now I can't imagine a comic book featuring tten's made in the 80's would contain nudity...but it's been bugging me so...since you've seen them you can finally put my suspitions to rest.
And your right about the whole light in the tunnal thing...unfortunatly in this fic that light turns out to be the headlights of an on coming semi...but don't worry, the sequel will end on a high note...well, somewhat high.
ashley:Here you go!
MyGildedCage:I'm glad to see that my story is interesting enough to bring in people from other genre's:) And thanx you for your complements P.S.: If you know of any Harry Potter fic's where Hermione cut's please tell me either there names or id numbers, thanx:)
Adin-Darklighter:Sorry for misunderstanding…it was a words thing. Thanks for your, again review. I hope you continue to enjoy my storyKataphraktoi887:Thanks, that was what I was going for….so here's your update already
Graciously Taken: Thanx for your complements. I'm sorry that your foks found out (I can't imagine what I would do if that happened to me) Here's the next chapter, hope to hear from you again.
Queenie-97:Better late then never I always say.
katherine ():Thank you, I try
HermioneGranger22491:Glad you liked it so much. Here's your update
To bad Lost1n7heDark didn't review...I think she's in Korea though, at least that's what she said in her story...so I'll forgive her if she give's me a final opinion when she returns:)
And no one has yet to answer if I was right about the whole dark soul comment I made at the beggining of Chapter 1...you know how Raven said her magic uses a part of her soul and since everything to do with her magic is black, does that mean that her soul is black? (The full question is at the beggining of chapter one)
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Author's Note:That's it! I'm changing my Pen name back. Let me explain. When I first put out the first chapter of this story I looked for it a few hour's after...and I couldn't find it...no big deal, I didn't expect to find it that soon...but I wanted to see if it was on my profile...like the one you guy's can look at by clicking on my user name. So I went to the search engine and set it to 'Pen Name' and typed in my user name...and it couldn't find it...I tried a half-a-dozen less specific search's and determined that my pen name..was no where to be found! So that freaked me out (I explained some of this in the second chapter)So I changed my name to the first thing I could think of...and I still couldn't find it. So if I can't see my pen name in either way I gonna' change it back to 'Raven D. Naobi' (Because 'Raven's Darkness' is just lame and uninspired)just after I post this chapter. Just a head's up for you.
Second off, what the hell is with the new system? I even get e-mail chapter alerts when I update. And I have to go through a lot more bull shit to post chapter's now. I'll probably get used to it eventually...but for now it's a pain in the ass!
Oh, and one more thing, since this fic deals with Raven cutting...among other things...I suppose I sould say that if you cut or know some one who does, there's a great web site called incase this damn website takes it out...there is a dash between self and injury) this is a great site for cutters or the family and friends of one. They have an art gallery...with some very graphic artwork, a short story section...it's mostly filled with suicide fics, but most are writen very well. And most importantly it has a forum and a chat area, the one down side is that to join you have to be approved by the system administrator, I don't think any one's ever been turned down, but it just means that you probaly will have to wait a week before you are approved. My user name there is Raven D. Naobi (What my pen name here will be soon) send me a PM if you join...though I warn you, I don't go to that site as much as I would like...its a privacy thing...don't want my parents to walk in and see "Self Injury. A Struggle" on the PC screen, so it might take a very long time for me to respond.
Anyway, on with the show.
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Raven walked into the main room once again refreshed, her theory about cutting helping her sleep was correct, and she had one of her best night sleeps ever. She quickly moved in and started to make her herbal tea.
"Raven?"She recognized the voice as her 'fearless leader'.
"What is it Robin?"Raven asked as she turned to see her friend's sitting at the table in the same places they were yesterday. "Oh, yea...my rehab..."Raven didn't even care a little about what they made her do, because of the cutting, and the lack of the dreams screwing with her head, she felt happier, clearer, and more relaxed then she ever had.And all it took was doing something she did anyway...only more so.
"Actually, that's secondary..."He responded, trying not to tip her off as to what he was going confront her on.
Raven furowed her brow in confusion "And just what could be so important as to over ride helping me with my 'problem'?"
"Something new has come to our attention, another problem you have been keeping from us..."The other titans looked very sadened after Robin said this.
Raven's face would have faltered if she were normal, worry would have covered her face, but being her, and in the best place mentaly she had ever been, she just said "Great another insignificant thing you think is ruining my life..."
"This isn't insignificant"Cyborg said defencivly
Raven still kept her cool and reponded "Well...?"
"We were worried..."Robin started "So we used the security camera's to watch you..."
Raven intentionally let a small amount of anger show on her face 'They were spying on me?' Raven quickly retraced her steps to remember if they would see anything incriminating on the camera's in the main room or the hallways, nothing, she had been extra careful.'So what could they be talking about?'
"You were spying on me?"Raven said, still with some anger on her face.
"Yea, and were all glad we were.."Beastboy said sternly
"What is that supposed mean?"It was just a question, Raven was sure she didn't do anything suspicious...so what could they possible mean?
"We witnessed a...strangeness on the camera..."Starfire looked down in sarrow after saying this.
"I didn't do anything wierd..."Raven said defencivly "Not in the hall, or the main room"
"We aren't talking about the camera's in the main room...or the hall..."Robin started "We used one of the secret camera's...the one in your bedroom..."
This time the emotions that appeared on her face were not intentional. Fear, anger surprise...all clearly evident on her face.
"My bedroom?"Raven asked in disbelief, her voice was only a whisper, but the other titans heard her.
"We saw you cutting yourself pretty badly last night..."Cyborg said simply, in the gentelist voice he could.
Raven fell to her knees, surprising the titans enough that they all raced over to help her, completely disregarding there previous plan to keep there distance.
"What, give's you, the right?"Raven's voice was shaking with anger"To use a hidden camera to secretly watch me in my room, and then lecture me about anything?"
"Raven, we are truly sorry for invading your privacy"Starfire started "But...what you did to your self..."She couldn't finish, luckely Raven was happy to do that for her "is my buisiness...you have no right to teel me what to do with my body..."
"Raven you have a problem..."Robin said trying to defend Starfire from the seething anger in Raven's voice
"Just because you think it's a problem, doesn't make it one"Raven's voice was still the angryest they had ever heard it, though she still couldn't find the strength to lift herself off the floor.
"If it's not a problem why haven't you told us?"Robin asked, he had a scowle on his face, while he had anticipated resistance...that didn't mean he welcomed it.
"I'm not the most out going person in the world if you havin't noticed!"Raven's face was rapidly turning from anger and hate, to sarrow and hurt, and tears were starting to appear in her eye's.
"Friend..."Starfire was going to finally ask what she had been wondering since last night "Why? Why would you hurt yourself?"Her voice was full of pain and pleading
Raven opened her mouth, wether it was to tell Starfire to shut up and leave her alone or explaine why, will forever remain a mystery, for as soon as she opened her mouth, she calapsed.
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The creepy kid was back again. Though Raven no longer thought of him as just 'the creepy kid' She had learned alot about him from some of the men.You see some wanted to converse with her after they were done, just small talk, she had no idea why, but she didn't care, not anymore at least, at first it made her feel even more violated, if that was possible, these men didn't even think of her as enough of a human to feel emotions like hate and resentment toward them. But now, she used it to her advantage, not only could she get information from the men, but some started to do margenally nice things, bringing her small amounts of food, or something like that.
But by far the biggest advantage was the information she had recieved on the kid, his name was Samiel, and he was her half-brother. Apperantly her father, the bastard, had a lot of women, and while he was not that fertile he did have children every once and awile. And this kid had the destict pleasure of growing up in the U.S. and now that he lived here he was treated like she used to be, like royalty.
Until her sixth birthday her father treated her like a princess, which she kinda' was. Her father was after all the king of this island.Apparantly the only thing Samiel was not allowed to do was rape her. And this was obviously eating away at him, cause for awile he had been obsessing over her, she would definetly have to deal with this, somehow...
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"What's wrong with her?"Said a voice in the distance, who was it, Raven didn't know, or care, all she cared about was pushing the piano off her head. This proved difficult since she couldn't move her arm's
"Wait, I think I saw her move!"Said another voice...it was Starfire, she could only tell because her voice was so destict...and her head was less fuzzy now.
"Raven, can you hear me?"That was deffinetly Robin.
Raven tried to say she could, but it only came out as a moan. She finally had the streagth to open her eye's. She was immediatly blinded, when her eye's finally adjusted, she realised she was back in the containment cell.
"Are you all right?"Cyborg asked
"What am I doing here?"Was the first thing she asked, it worried her, could she have attacked the titans again?
"We had to restrain you, this was the only place to do it..."Robin answered motioning around the room
"Restrain...why?"Raven asked as she stuggled against the leather straps that bound her hands and feet.
"Here let me help you"Starfire said as she walked over and began to undo the straps. As soon as she was done Raven sat up rubbing her wrists.
"We had to restrain you"Robin started"Because when you passed out you started thrashing and screeming...your powers were out of control too..."
Raven's eye's widened, "What?"
"We had to move you here to stop you from blowing up the tower"Beastboy said in a surprisingly somber voice, now that she looked around the room, all the titans looked absolutly devestated.
"Raven...you said somethings while you were passed out...do you have any idea what I'm talking about?"Robin asked, he had a worried expression on his face 'Oh, shit! What did I say? I had a dream of my past...I could have said anything...'
"I have no idea what you are talking about"Raven said falling back on her ever present option of strict denial.
"You said'It's you fault daddy, you let them touch me'"Raven's eye's went wide, she remembered this, it was just after her fathers betrayal. Raven's head droped, tears fell down her cheeks, as silent sobs racked her body, in here her magic didn't work, it was turned inward, so she could feel all the emotion she wanted to...if she was willing to deal with the unbarable phyical pain.
"Raven..."Beastboy started"That didn't mean what we thought it did...did it?"
Raven's silent sobs were silent no more, they echoed off the walls making them sound louder then they were. The titans had no idea how to handle this, normaly they would try to comfort someone...but nothing was normal about Raven crying. Starfire was ofcaurse the one to comfort Raven. She sat down beside her and gave her a comorting hug.
"Friend...what happened...?"Starfire asked in a softer voice than usual
Raven straightened herself slightly and stoped crying, though her face was no where near her usual lifeless, indifferent expresion, instead her face covered in fear, hatred and shame.
"You wouldn't want to know..."Raven said in only a whisper.
"Yes we do..."Robin said firmly
"No...you really don't..."Raven said, her usual monotone returning.
"Yes we do.."Robin said even more firmly"No matter how dark and depresing your past is...it's your past, so we do want to know"Robin gave her his most determined look
"Obviously your past is affecting you, and your a vital part of the teem...how do we know you wont pass out in the middle of a battle right when we need you?"Cyborg asked with determination on his face.
"It would be irisponcible of me to allow you to continue on as a titan if you are...unstable..."If she wasn't going to willingly tell them...he could always blackmail her.
Raven looked into Robin eye's, she knew what that look meant, he was willing to go through with it...she always knew she would have to tell them some day...but why this day?
Raven, once again, sighed in defeat"I'll need a cup of herbal tea..."
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Raven was now huddled, with her knees up to her chest in a chair in the corner of the white room, she had decided to tell her story here, after all, her emotions could only kill her here instead of her friends.
Robin, Starfire, and Beastboy all sat in chairs in a semi-circle around Raven, there was one empty chair, it belonged to Cyborg, who was just now returning from the kitchen with Raven's tea. As soon as he handed it off to her he sat down.
Raven took a deep breath to steady herself "Where to begin...well I guess the very begining would be best...my conception..."Raven quickly took a sip from her tea before continuing.
"...I was concieved when a demon named Trigon...well he.."Raven was struggling to find the least startling way of saying this...'Screw it' "He raped my mother..."
The titans looked shocked, Rape? That was how Raven was concieved, this was certainly a big deal that would have affected her a great deal mentaly and emotionally...Plus...Raven was a half demon, that would explain a lot, now that they thought about it...
But the titans also knew that even though Raven's life story started with a rape...it would most likely only get worse.
"Apparently my mother was killed right after I was born by some of my fathers minions" Raven took a deep breath"Actually...she was killed because I was born...my father never let a women who gave birth to one of his children live..."
"Apparently...?"Robin asked
"Yea...I never knew my mother...she was killed the day after I was born...I only heard about what my father did to her after I escaped from him..."
Robin nodded in understandment, and Raven continued.
"For the first six years of my life I lived on a remote island that he owned"Raven smirked slightly at her niavity at the time"He treated me like royalty...any thing I wanted I got...and every one else on the island beside's my father himself had to do what ever I said...I was a spoiled brat..."
This was even more surprising for the titans, her past was supposed to be depressing, and she was treated like a princess? And by her evil father no less, this wasn't making a whole lot of sence.
"...Maybe that's why..."Raven's eye's droped and her voice quivered, she took another deep breath and "About a week after my sixth birthday...two men came into my room in the middle of the night...they took me to the basement of my fathers estate, took off all my clothe's and threw me into a very cold, very dark, and very small room."
Raven took a moment to take a sip of her tea to calm her self down 'Not even to the worst parts and I'm already losing it'
"I was scared beyond belief...I had lived a very sheltered life, nothing frightening had ever happened to me before, but I still yelled that"Raven smirked and chuckled at what she was about to say"That my father would rescue me, and have all of them killed slowly for doing this to me...it was then when they told me that they were doing this because my father told them to..."
"The first night in that room I didn't sleep, not only because of my father's betrayal, but I was so pampered that I would never be able to fall asleep, naked, on the cold stone floor"
"And then around noon the next day a man opened the door, at first I was happy...I thought I was finally being let go...then he asked me 'Is it true?" I didn't know what he was talking about, so I just stared, it didn't feel right, plus I was naked in front of a man I had never met before...I was in the corner of the room with my knees held tightly to my chest and he just said 'My friends think I'm crazy...that there's no way the king would do this to his own daughter, but I said to them there's nothing that basterd isn't willing to do to any one...and here you are...ripe for the pickings...guess I was right' ...then he started to undress...now I was only six years old, I had no concept of sex...so I also had no concept of rape..."
Raven took this oportunity to gadge the titans reactions...the titans looked at her with pity filled eye's, she hated pity, she didn't need it and it didn't change what had happened to her, so she just took a sip of tea and continued.
"...I was young...and he was rough...so by the time he was done I was in shock...I didn't regain a grasp on reality until after he had already left...it took a minute to remember where I was, or what happened to me...and even longer to notice the pool of blood forming around my crotch..."
Raven intentionally didn't look at her friends, she could almost feel the shock eminating from them...if this was the only time she was going to tell her story...so she didn't want to side step important stuff.
"He came again the next day, and the day after...after about a week other men started to show up too..."
Raven grabbed her knees and held them even more tightly to her chest...these were not her happy memories...and spilling her guts meant having to re-live them...and that was taking it's toll. If it had been anywhere else her powers would have gone out of control...but in here...they were turned inward...the pain was worse then when she had to keep pressure on the cut's Starfire had opened. But she could handle it...she had always had a high pain threshold, that had helped her through some tough time's...
She relaxed somewhat, though the pain didn't stop, and continued her story"By then I was starting to weaken...they weren't feeding me much...just enough that I wouldn't die ...but I was always weak from hunger...after three weeks...well I think it was around three weeks...being kept in a cold lightless room take's away your sence of reality...I had no sence of time..."Raven snapped out of it and returned to her point"After three weeks...or so... I was to weak to put up any real struggle...that made it easier for them...it continued on like that for awile..."
"...It was about the third month that I noticed a man looking in on me...at first I really didn't give him much attention, he looked harmless...innocent, like I had been just months before...after a while I started to fantasize that he was going to rescue me from that horrible dark abyss my life had become..."Raven stoped and smiled to herself"He gave me hope...something I despretly needed..."Raven's smile turned to a frown"But the bad thing about hope...is it can be taken away..."
The expression on Raven's face was unreadible...the closest any of the titans could figure was a mix between anger, disgust and shame.
"...after about a month he finally entered my cell...at first I was sure he was going to save me...but I was wrong...he was not just as bad as the other men but worse...he was the first...the first to cut me..."
Raven closed her eye's and absentmindidly brought her right hand up and started to rub her stomach.
"He used a knife on my ab's the first time...then he raped me...he showed up every day and did the same thing...after him...many men started to cut and burn me..."
Raven sat and contemplated something for a moment, completely disregarding the sarrow filled exprestions on the faces of her friends, a month ago this would have never been a consideration, but she was showing her emotional scars...why not her physical? Why not get everything out in the open?
Raven brought her legs down from her chest and reached her hand up to her neck, as she began to take off her leotard.
The titans were to shocked to stop her, she had underwear on...but 'They have to see this...they have to see what they did to me to understand.'
As soon as the leotard started to slip past Raven's shoulder, they stated to see them, by the time her bra was uncovered there mouth's were opened, and by the time her stomach was uncovered, they were in shock, from her shoulders to as far down as they could see (High pubic region) nothing but scars, burns and cuts, thousands of them, some cut's were only the size of a fingernail and had almost completely faded, others were huge slash's that where nearly a foot long and still red...though it looked purple against her skin. From what they could see it also looked as though the cut's continued on under her bra and at least near her pubic area. The scars so completely covered her body that from a distance her skin would look purple.
"My god..."Was all Robin could say.
"This is what they did to me over the course of six year's...this was on top of...and usually during the rapes..." Raven shifted uncomfortably under there gaze...this was the first time she had ever shown any of her scars to anyone...it wasn't as bad as she had thought it would be...but it was still the most embaresing and shameful moment she had expirianced since she had joined the titans.
"Raven...why didn't you show use...?"Cyborg questioned
"Why sould I have is a better question"
Starfire had tears running down her face and Beastboy was still in shock.
"All of the cuts and burns you see are the one's serious enough not to heal...there were more that healed long ago..."She said touching some of her scars absentmindidly, she hated them, not just because they were ugly, she could handle ugly scars...she had givin herself a lot over the years...but the self inflicted scars reminded her of battle's she had won, of time's when she could feel free of her life and rejoyce...but the scars they gave her...well the memories they stirred up weren't nearly as happy...they reminded her of battle's she had lost...she hated these scars...and unfortunatly..."They will never fade..."
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Authors Note:Whoa...that was the hardest chapter to write ever...even after my second edit it still looked clunky...well I edited it again and again, so hopefully it finally looks presentible. You have to under stand my frustration...this is the climax of the story...this was what I've been waiting to write since befor I started writing this story and it's gotta' be the hardest thing to write ever, I mean it, even just to have it so it wasn't Raven constantly talking was a mountain of work...
Well only one more chapter left, it will have the end of Raven's story and ...well the end of mine:) But to those of you who like this story be happy, because there will be a sequel
Well, more of a second part...and i'm taking a trip over summer vacation so I wont be able to post it till I get back...but I will have a labtop with me so I can still write, Yay!
As an added bonus at the end of this story there will a list of...well, when I come up with an idea for a fanfic. I write it down in file so I can make the story later...and since I'll have all summer to write I'll post my idea's straight from the file(slightly altered so it won't give away the ending) and you can all vote on the top three you want to see, now two thing's to remember. One, I have another story going right now (First Love Lost, it's a Terra/Raven Yuri)it's not done...and unfortunatly it wont be by the time I go on my trip, so I already have the sequel to this store and that one to write...so no garrenty that I will actually get around to writing those one's you choose right away...but I will eventually. And the second thing is, please remember that originally they were just reminders to myself...so there not real good summeries.
So be sure to vote at the end of next chapter. And as always, please Review:)