o.o What do you get when you add insomnia and late night TV? This little number! XD This was extremely fun to write. This is based off the Direct TV commercials coming on lately. o.o if you don't know what those are, WHO CARES? It's still funny!

Poor Alucard..I abuse him. X3

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or Direct TV.

Alucard yawned as he walked down the stairs leading to the basement. It'd been an extremely long night; The usual shoot-everything-until-it-dies mission. And while it was extremely fun killing things, it got very boring very quickly. All the vampire looked forward to now was sipping on his blood pack and going to sleep.

Little did he know that sleep would not come easily for him, oh no! Little did he know that deep within the bowels of the basement lurked an enemy more terrifying than any he had ever known! Little did he know of the horrors that awaited him! Little did he know the horror of cable television!

Our victim- I mean, Alucard, walked to his room, not even bothering to open the door, sighing with relief when he saw his blood chilling in a bucket. He strolled over to it, eagerly taking a sip, when he noticed something strange. His coffin was glowing a weird blue color. It glowing red was normal, but blue? Something was up with that.

Narrowing his crimson eyes, he walked up to it, his bloodpack in one hand, his gun in the other. Carefully, with the grace only years at the ballet could achieve, he kicked open the coffin...What? You guys didn't know that Alucard did ballet? How do you think he got such a strong posture?

Alucard found himself staring at a blue screen with the words "Direct TV" on it.

This was most unusual.

"About time you got home!" The TV suddenly screeched, shocking the vampire so much, he dropped his blood pack. "God, look at the mess you just made!"

Alucard just stared at it, his eyes as wide as plates.

"How the fudge do you vampires live in these coffins?" It continued, not moving, yet somehow speaking. "So cramped...Anyways, I'm here to tell you about Direct TV." It cleared its...It sounded like it cleared its throat.

"For your convenience, we offer a range of base packages all with local channels included. TOTAL CHOICE - Over 135 Channels$41.99/mo!
Want a great introduction to DIRECTV® service? Our TOTAL CHOICE package delivers over 135 quality channels of movies, sports, family and music programming, plus you'll get your local channels. Enjoy your favorites and a whole lot more — all at one low price!"

Alucard was now cocking his gun, his eye twitching. He was going to shoot the possessed machine and put it out of its misery. Plus, it was seriously freaking him out.

"Hey, wait a second!" The TV protested as he aimed the Jackal at it. "You can't shoot me!" Mr.Jackal begged to differ. The TV started screaming as it was shot at, screaming bloody murder, which only seemed to scare Alucard more. He actually started to panic and started shooting it with the Casull.

Finally, Alucard ran out of bullets, and the TV was a smoking mess. The vampire sighed with relief and turned his back to it when he froze at a voice: "Oh, dude, that was NOT cool!" Slowly, he turned his head, his eyes twitching, and once again found himself staring at the blue screen of Doom.

"What? Did you think a few bullets would stop me?"

It was Alucard's turn to scream as he plastered himself againist the wall as the TV quoted more of what Direct TV had to offer.

Well, all this screaming attracted some attention, mainly from Seras Victoria. She hurried to her Master's room, kicking open the door, her Harkcannon ready. "Master, what's wrong?" She cried and stared in disbelief at the TV. "What is that and why is it smoking?"

"It was..talking to me!" He shouted, giving it a deathglare. "I'm serious, it was talking!"

Seras gave him a look that questioned his sanity. "..Master..It's just a-"

"Well, hello there, hot stuff!" The TV quirked and gave a wolf whistle. Seras nearly dropped her gun like Alucard dropped his blood pack. Except she was so taken back that she promptly shot the TV. And the TV, along with Alucard's coffin and a wall, blew up into a million pretty sparkly pieces. And they could STILL hear the TV screaming: "I REGRET NOTHING!"

Integra glared at Seras and Alucard, her eye twitching like crazy. Seras looked embarassed while Alucard was eyeing her desk suspiciously. "...There was a TV...and it talked to you...Talked to you BOTH...And that's why...you shot it..." Integra said slowly, looking down right evil.

"There's no way that thing is gone.." Alucard murmered, ignoring his Master. "It's around here...Waiting...I bet it's in your desk..."Integra hurled the silver ash tray at him.

"PAY ATTENTION, YOU IDIOT!"She snapped and was about to throw something else when an all too familiar voice came from her desk.

"Ha! Not even explosions can take me out!"

The three looked at each other and slowly exited the room as the TV started ranting again about the wonders of cable.

Random? Yes. Pointless? Yes. Hilarious? XD Yes! This TV isn't gone yet! o.O Not by a long shot. I hope everyone enjoys this! Read and review!

Adios!